₦airaland Forum

Yesterday I made a post about how I feel my wife
isn’t really adding value to my life.

https://www.nairaland.com/8631753/wife-isnt-adding-value-life

A lot of people attacked me in the comments, asking how I could expect a woman who gave birth to two children in three years to start working.
But let me clear something up.

When I said we had two children, I was only referring to the number of kids in the house. In reality, we have one son who is 2 years old, and my wife’s niece who lives with us. She’s about 12 years old, and that’s the second child I mentioned in the previous post.

Before we got married, we talked about her having her own business. She even chose something she said she was passionate about — makeup and beauty. I supported her and paid almost ₦400k for her to learn the skill at the time.
After we got married, I even opened a shop for her so she could start the business. But around that same time she got pregnant and said she couldn’t manage the shop because of the pregnancy. I understood and supported her.

Even with that, I still paid the rent for the shop for another 1 year and 6 months, just to make sure she had enough time to eventually start when she was ready.

After she gave birth, another issue came up. She said the shop was too far and she couldn’t be carrying the baby there. At that time the baby was around 6–8 months old.

So I suggested something simple: whenever I’m home, she can leave the baby with me and go to the shop. Her niece was also around, so the two of us could look after the baby.
Eventually she started going.

Before leaving she would bathe the baby and then head out. While she was gone, I took care of everything — feeding the baby, making sure he slept, watching over him. I didn’t complain because he’s my son too. I just wanted to make sure she had peace of mind to focus on the business.
Since she wasn’t making any money yet, I even gave her ₦4,000 transport money every day to support her (the distance was about 20 minutes at most)

But she didn’t even last one month before she stopped going.
Her reason was that the place wasn’t moving. Mind you, this was a very busy and popular place in town.
I encouraged her and told her business needs consistency. Customers don’t just appear overnight.
Then she complained about not having a signage, saying people couldn’t easily notice the shop. I paid for a proper signage for her.
Still… nothing changed.
Eventually she just stayed home until the shop rent expired, even though she still had about four months left on the rent when she stopped going.
Later she said she wanted to start selling women’s clothes from the house. Again, I supported her and gave her money to start.
Three months later… nothing came out of it.
At that point I was honestly frustrated and told her I wasn’t going to keep giving money for new businesses again.
Since then she has basically stayed at home doing very little. Most of the day she’s pressing phone. She cooks sometimes, yes, but even taking care of our son is mostly done by her niece.
My son even started school in September, so he’s no longer a baby that requires full-time attention.
Sometimes I even do my own laundry because she doesn’t really handle much in the house.
So honestly I keep asking myself… what exactly is her role in this marriage?
Another thing that worries me is this: what if something happens to me tomorrow? How would the family survive if she has no income or any drive to do something?
I’ve tried talking to her many times. She will act serious in the moment and promise to change, but after some time she just goes back to the same routine.
About a year ago I went through a very difficult financial period. A bad business deal left me in debt and I had to sell my car, something I really didn’t want to do. That was one of the lowest points of my life.
But during that period she didn’t really offer me any support.
Recently she told me she needs a new phone that costs almost ₦700k.
And honestly I just sat there thinking…
When things were good, I never complained about providing. But the economy now is very hard. Fuel alone is around ₦1,250 per litre as I’m writing this.
At this point, I’m honestly just tired.

Following.

First of all, people will always attack you irrespective of the perspective you put forth - the same people who attack you for being expressive about how you feel will also throw tantrums if you bottle it up.

Here's an analogy I heard one time, "What do you think will happen, if one day, you enter a taxi, and the taxi man says he wants to carry you to his own destination"?

You won't agree because what we know about taxis, is that they carry you to YOUR OWN DESTINATION.

What this means, from your writeup, you enabled her POOR FINANCIAL DRIVE - and the guts to even ask for #700k for phone!!!!

I'm not one to disrespect other people's wife sha. But God abeg ooo; after squandering my money, and your obviously lackadaisical attitude towards personal hustle, dem no born you well to ask me.

🤧 My own temper go good for marriage so? Cos me nor go take half of wetin you write up there.

Firstly, she seems like someone who isn't business oriented so forcing her would do little or no good......as some Nigerians will say "if it didn't dey, e didn't dey".

Secondly she is very happy and comfortable the way she is now because the bulk stops at your own table.

To solve this problem you'll have to consider the Options below but you must be strong willed to implement any of them...
1) Find what she is good at which of course might not be the businesses you're starting for her but something she is oriented towards and enjoys doing it that can bring income to her.

2)Dissolve the marriage and count your losses and move on seeing that you and her aren't compatible and don't align in mentality.

3)Find a way to put her in an uncomfortable situation like refusing to foot her own personal bills and let her see the urgency of needing to do something for herself...like let her survival instincts be activated again because she seems very docile now.....BUT this one would be very difficult to achieve because it would require a STRONG MIND on your own path and some SCHEMES that might be interpreted as being weekeed/h**rtless.

All in all you'll require a lot of STRONG WILL to solve this problem and you might have contributed by ignoring certain red flags before the marriage.

funkmrflexx:
✓ Before we got married, we talked about her having her own business. She even chose something she said she was passionate about — makeup and beauty. I supported her and paid almost ₦400k for her to learn the skill at the time.
After we got married, I even opened a shop for her so she could start the business. But around that same time she got pregnant and said she couldn’t manage the shop because of the pregnancy. I understood and supported her.
Even with that, I still paid the rent for the shop for another 1 year and 6 months, just to make sure she had enough time to eventually start when she was ready.
✓ After she gave birth, another issue came up. She said the shop was too far and she couldn’t be carrying the baby there. At that time the baby was around 6–8 months old.
So I suggested something simple: whenever I’m home, she can leave the baby with me and go to the shop. Her niece was also around, so the two of us could look after the baby.
Eventually she started going.

Before leaving she would bathe the baby and then head out. While she was gone, I took care of everything — feeding the baby, making sure he slept, watching over him. I didn’t complain because he’s my son too. I just wanted to make sure she had peace of mind to focus on the business.
Since she wasn’t making any money yet, I even gave her ₦4,000 transport money every day to support her (the distance was about 20 minutes at most)
But she didn’t even last one month before she stopped going.
Her reason was that the place wasn’t moving. Mind you, this was a very busy and popular place in town.
I encouraged her and told her business needs consistency. Customers don’t just appear overnight.
Then she complained about not having a signage, saying people couldn’t easily notice the shop. I paid for a proper signage for her.
Still… nothing changed.
Eventually she just stayed home until the shop rent expired, even though she still had about four months left on the rent when she stopped going.
Later she said she wanted to start selling women’s clothes from the house. Again, I supported her and gave her money to start.
Three months later… nothing came out of it.
At that point I was honestly frustrated and told her I wasn’t going to keep giving money for new businesses again.

Again, having a passion for something is not go ahead to pour money into making a business out of it. This woman, again, from your OP did not have business accumen. So, while I understand your frustration, she is not to blame for all of this. 🥱🥱

There are so many people who spent many decades and millions of dollars in wasted investments to come to that realization which is that passion does not translate to business accumen. 🥱

If you want to divorce her because you have changed your mind and would like to find yourself someone else, fine! But don't pretend she is the bad person here and the reason for it all. So, dead the attempts to make her out as the bad person in your marriage. 🥱🥱

She ought to have been properly trained on how to properly navigate those businesses.She just can't wake up and start a business just like that. Did she keep track of the monies she gained and lost in the business? Did she put in any effort to market the business online as well? How many customers did she retain? etc . So many parts to this thing.

guysis:
She ought to have been properly trained on how to properly navigate those businesses.She just can't wake up and start a business just like that. Did she keep track of the monies she gained and lost in the business? Did she put in any effort to market the business online as well? How many customers did she retain? etc . So many parts to this thing.

The excuse of "the place is too far" is a laziness manifestation. Business is not convenient at its early stage, but you have to keep showing up.

OP has said the niece does a lot of the taking care of the baby, so what's she doing with her time - being that her money was not invested in the business, she didn't care what was lost or how to recover; so na OP enable her attitude towards hustle.

My question remains, OP what was she like before you popped the question? It's hard to turn a trophy wife into an industrious woman.

funkmrflexx:
Yesterday I made a post about how I feel my wife
isn’t really adding value to my life.

https://www.nairaland.com/8631753/wife-isnt-adding-value-life

A lot of people attacked me in the comments, asking how I could expect a woman who gave birth to two children in three years to start working.
But let me clear something up.

When I said we had two children, I was only referring to the number of kids in the house. In reality, we have one son who is 2 years old, and my wife’s niece who lives with us. She’s about 12 years old, and that’s the second child I mentioned in the previous post.

Before we got married, we talked about her having her own business. She even chose something she said she was passionate about — makeup and beauty. I supported her and paid almost ₦400k for her to learn the skill at the time.
After we got married, I even opened a shop for her so she could start the business. But around that same time she got pregnant and said she couldn’t manage the shop because of the pregnancy. I understood and supported her.

Even with that, I still paid the rent for the shop for another 1 year and 6 months, just to make sure she had enough time to eventually start when she was ready.

After she gave birth, another issue came up. She said the shop was too far and she couldn’t be carrying the baby there. At that time the baby was around 6–8 months old.

So I suggested something simple: whenever I’m home, she can leave the baby with me and go to the shop. Her niece was also around, so the two of us could look after the baby.
Eventually she started going.

Before leaving she would bathe the baby and then head out. While she was gone, I took care of everything — feeding the baby, making sure he slept, watching over him. I didn’t complain because he’s my son too. I just wanted to make sure she had peace of mind to focus on the business.
Since she wasn’t making any money yet, I even gave her ₦4,000 transport money every day to support her (the distance was about 20 minutes at most)

But she didn’t even last one month before she stopped going.
Her reason was that the place wasn’t moving. Mind you, this was a very busy and popular place in town.
I encouraged her and told her business needs consistency. Customers don’t just appear overnight.
Then she complained about not having a signage, saying people couldn’t easily notice the shop. I paid for a proper signage for her.
Still… nothing changed.
Eventually she just stayed home until the shop rent expired, even though she still had about four months left on the rent when she stopped going.
Later she said she wanted to start selling women’s clothes from the house. Again, I supported her and gave her money to start.
Three months later… nothing came out of it.
At that point I was honestly frustrated and told her I wasn’t going to keep giving money for new businesses again.
Since then she has basically stayed at home doing very little. Most of the day she’s pressing phone. She cooks sometimes, yes, but even taking care of our son is mostly done by her niece.
My son even started school in September, so he’s no longer a baby that requires full-time attention.
Sometimes I even do my own laundry because she doesn’t really handle much in the house.
So honestly I keep asking myself… what exactly is her role in this marriage?
Another thing that worries me is this: what if something happens to me tomorrow? How would the family survive if she has no income or any drive to do something?
I’ve tried talking to her many times. She will act serious in the moment and promise to change, but after some time she just goes back to the same routine.
About a year ago I went through a very difficult financial period. A bad business deal left me in debt and I had to sell my car, something I really didn’t want to do. That was one of the lowest points of my life.
But during that period she didn’t really offer me any support.
Recently she told me she needs a new phone that costs almost ₦700k.
And honestly I just sat there thinking…
When things were good, I never complained about providing. But the economy now is very hard. Fuel alone is around ₦1,250 per litre as I’m writing this.
At this point, I’m honestly just tired.

I read both the first and the second story you have written ; I just came to a conclusion that you are the only one who understands your pain. Truth is before u decide to put this issue online, you must have really been fedup about the whole situation. However, Yoruba people has a saying , cutting off the head is not a solution to an headache. You both need to sit and talk. If possible change ham give her. Let r knw you are not going to foot any unecessary bills again. Tell her frankly to either start up something or get nothing. You need to stand your ground but not in a violent way. Be the one to account for all r transactions. Finally, dont involve third party. It is too soon to start involving people who will mock you .

funkmrflexx:
✓ Another thing that worries me is this: what if something happens to me tomorrow? How would the family survive if she has no income or any drive to do something?
I’ve tried talking to her many times. She will act serious in the moment and promise to change, but after some time she just goes back to the same routine.
✓ About a year ago I went through a very difficult financial period. A bad business deal left me in debt and I had to sell my car, something I really didn’t want to do. That was one of the lowest points of my life. But during that period she didn’t really offer me any support.
Recently she told me she needs a new phone that costs almost ₦700k. And honestly I just sat there thinking… When things were good, I never complained about providing. But the economy now is very hard. Fuel alone is around ₦1,250 per litre as I’m writing this.
At this point, I’m honestly just tired.

Nigeria is damn near littered with evidence of what would likely happen if you are no longer in the picture. You never needed a special book to realize this for yourself. You, however, choose to ask the question after the fact. 🥱🥱

2. How can you honestly expect a woman who had no financial independence of her own before marriage to magically begin to offer you support after marriage? Come on naw .. make una dey reason these things well, well. You literally married her expecting her to depend on you for everything she needs, only to then flip scripts on her after realizing you bit off more than you could chew. Stop digging these holes for yourselves only to cry fowl when the hole eventually begins swallowing you up whole. 🤨🥱🥱

Honestly, I for don run comot from this marriage tey tey. Start a supermarket for her.

funkmrflexx:
At this point, I’m honestly just tired.

Na only man know the load him carry for head when daybreak.

Cheer up brother.

Kobojunkie:
Again, having a passion for something is not go ahead to pour money into making a business out of it. This woman, again, from your OP did not have business accumen. So, while I understand your frustration, she is not to blame for all of this. 🥱🥱

There are so many people who spent many decades and millions of dollars in wasted investments to come to that realization which is that passion does not translate to business accumen. 🥱

If you want to divorce her because you have changed your mind and would like to find yourself someone else, fine! But don't pretend she is the bad person here and the reason for it all. So, dead the attempts to make her out as the bad person in your marriage. 🥱🥱

She is not to be blamed , which woman has ever accepted accountability before in history of the world? Always blame the men

This one has married wrong

This is the aftermath of a stubborn boy who married because of beauty and love
You never see anything arindin!

Cerebellum:
This one has married wrong

This is the aftermath of a stubborn boy who married because of beauty and love
You never see anything arindin!

take it easy on him ooo, Nigerian men too dey love and the women are not wired to appreciate the love all they want is money, I can beat my chest and tell you 90% of Nigerian women do not love their husbands they married out of pressure not love.

ExudeLoveToAll:
✓ She is not to be blamed , which woman has ever accepted accountability before in history of the world? Always blame the men

Accountability for what? 🥱🥱

Look, I suggest you thoroughly work on your comprehension skills this year...there is still so much time. 🥱🥱

bigpriik:
✓ take it easy on him ooo, Nigerian men too dey love and the women are not wired to appreciate ✓ the love all they want is money, I can beat my chest and tell you 90% of Nigerian women do not love their husbands they married out of pressure not love.

This ain't a matter of appreciation or the lack of it. 🥱🥱

2. Look, these women do not force themselves on you. So, if you don't like them or feel you shouldn't share your treasures with them, then simply avoid them altogether. It is irrational for you to come playing victim after getting exactly what you bargained for. 🥱🥱

Op, what kind of wife did you set out to marry from the get go? A housewife or a working wife? This is something you should have decided even before marriage.

Men like you marry housewives and they don't complain. From the look of things, you just need to come to terms with the fact that you married a lady whose orientation is being a housewife. What you need to do now is to make sure she does her housewifery roles very well, like the idea of you doing your own laundry has to stop. Let her take up that responsibility and let that be the reason for you spending on her. You have to sit her down and make her understand that it's either she finds something doing to make money or she fully embrace her roles as housewife.

Think about getting her a paid employment (even if it means bribing a LGA or State Govt HR next time you hear they are doing recruitment with all the money you have been throwing into her failed businesses) not everyone is good at running a business venture independently.

Once you considered only love and beauty in marrying, na things like this you go see because see finish go set in. Love dey die because it doesnt pay bills and the beauty go fade in your eyes.
Financial consideration is important for both parties. As it stands na only women dey consider financial prospects now and future while men na beauty and love.
OP na the package you wanted that you got. Afterall you didn't come to nairaland to ask us for advise when you were asking her hand in marriage.

funkmrflexx:
Yesterday I made a post about how I feel my wife
isn’t really adding value to my life.

https://www.nairaland.com/8631753/wife-isnt-adding-value-life

A lot of people attacked me in the comments, asking how I could expect a woman who gave birth to two children in three years to start working.
But let me clear something up.

When I said we had two children, I was only referring to the number of kids in the house. In reality, we have one son who is 2 years old, and my wife’s niece who lives with us. She’s about 12 years old, and that’s the second child I mentioned in the previous post.

Before we got married, we talked about her having her own business. She even chose something she said she was passionate about — makeup and beauty. I supported her and paid almost ₦400k for her to learn the skill at the time.
After we got married, I even opened a shop for her so she could start the business. But around that same time she got pregnant and said she couldn’t manage the shop because of the pregnancy. I understood and supported her.

Even with that, I still paid the rent for the shop for another 1 year and 6 months, just to make sure she had enough time to eventually start when she was ready.

After she gave birth, another issue came up. She said the shop was too far and she couldn’t be carrying the baby there. At that time the baby was around 6–8 months old.

So I suggested something simple: whenever I’m home, she can leave the baby with me and go to the shop. Her niece was also around, so the two of us could look after the baby.
Eventually she started going.

Before leaving she would bathe the baby and then head out. While she was gone, I took care of everything — feeding the baby, making sure he slept, watching over him. I didn’t complain because he’s my son too. I just wanted to make sure she had peace of mind to focus on the business.
Since she wasn’t making any money yet, I even gave her ₦4,000 transport money every day to support her (the distance was about 20 minutes at most)

But she didn’t even last one month before she stopped going.
Her reason was that the place wasn’t moving. Mind you, this was a very busy and popular place in town.
I encouraged her and told her business needs consistency. Customers don’t just appear overnight.
Then she complained about not having a signage, saying people couldn’t easily notice the shop. I paid for a proper signage for her.
Still… nothing changed.
Eventually she just stayed home until the shop rent expired, even though she still had about four months left on the rent when she stopped going.
Later she said she wanted to start selling women’s clothes from the house. Again, I supported her and gave her money to start.
Three months later… nothing came out of it.
At that point I was honestly frustrated and told her I wasn’t going to keep giving money for new businesses again.
Since then she has basically stayed at home doing very little. Most of the day she’s pressing phone. She cooks sometimes, yes, but even taking care of our son is mostly done by her niece.
My son even started school in September, so he’s no longer a baby that requires full-time attention.
Sometimes I even do my own laundry because she doesn’t really handle much in the house.
So honestly I keep asking myself… what exactly is her role in this marriage?
Another thing that worries me is this: what if something happens to me tomorrow? How would the family survive if she has no income or any drive to do something?
I’ve tried talking to her many times. She will act serious in the moment and promise to change, but after some time she just goes back to the same routine.
About a year ago I went through a very difficult financial period. A bad business deal left me in debt and I had to sell my car, something I really didn’t want to do. That was one of the lowest points of my life.
But during that period she didn’t really offer me any support.
Recently she told me she needs a new phone that costs almost ₦700k.
And honestly I just sat there thinking…
When things were good, I never complained about providing. But the economy now is very hard. Fuel alone is around ₦1,250 per litre as I’m writing this.
At this point, I’m honestly just tired.

l

Let me tell you a little story, when I was still into yahoo stuff before YouTube came into my life. I had just one client, he was paying steadily, then one day he just stopped talking. I felt maybe his phone lost signal or something but this went on for like a month then I knew something was wrong. All my hope was on this guy.

House project, marriage crashed. I just became unlucky. Then my old school friends told me I should prepare for one of our other friends wedding. Bro. I was dead broke then but I could not tell my friends. Fortunately a friend introduced me to YouTube.

I got monetized after uploading my 7th video. Infact I hustled more than I ever did in my life cos there's no excuse not to attend the wedding cos they attended mine. That's how I broke the chain. One thing I noticed is that if you are too comfortable on one source of income one day something unfortunate might happen and you will regret it..

I later paid for a tool called "Been verified" to know what happened to this guy then the bombshell he passed on a month ago. I didn't even know the cause of his death till today. If you don't handle this wisely you will just waste away and what if something happens to you your son will suffer for it.

Stop pouring water into a basket. Best thing is to invest in yourself and leave that your wife. If she's needs anything let her get her herself and please stop whining like a child and let her sort herself out. She's nothing but a termite.

Recently she told me she needs a new phone that costs almost ₦700k.

One of the things I've learned about women is that they are insatiable. So if you like provide her heavens and earth, she fit still say e no reach, say na Mars she want. So brother, do your best and leave the rest to God. Don't overkill yourself. Try to enjoy life and only take care of what is within your control. Anything else, is worry that you cannot control.

When things were good, I never complained about providing. But the economy now is very hard. Fuel alone is around ₦1,250 per litre as I’m writing this.

Another reason women keep demanding is because they don't wear the shoe where it pinches. She is asking you for these things while you are worrying about how to provide. It's normal. Just understand that women, most of them are like children. When you see how children behave and ask for things, it's because they have nothing to worry about. As a father, what do you do when your child says papa take me to Dubai tomorrow? There is your answer.

What some men fail to understand is that relationship and marriage are not the same, marriage is a serious business, that thing you overlooked while dating will make you go nuts when married.
I want to ask you, was she like this when you dated her? If yes, then you brought it upon yourself. That's why when it comes to marriage, don't ever marry because of beauty and nyash, this things are not what makes a woman, but some men wouldn't listen.

Ú

Makaveli217:
What some men fail to understand is that relationship and marriage are not the same, marriage is a serious business, that thing you overlooked while dating will make you go nuts when married.
I want to ask you, was she like this when you dated her? If yes, then you brought it upon yourself. That's why when it comes to marriage, don't ever marry because of beauty and nyash, this things are not what makes a woman, but some men wouldn't listen.

Oga, some women will pretend till you marry them. Wife was working assiduously during courtship, but upon marriage, she jus slowed down. After all, I take care of the bills to the T.

I complain sometimes, but each time I feel less of whom I am.

My consolation is that I can only get better with adversity.

Men stay strong, our societal expectations is weighty enough. 😔

The lamentation has entered part 2 when you can just throw her out and marry 7 new wives same day or even remain single for the rest of your life.

Afterall, it has been agreed on social media especially this platform that men should not get married but you guys will say one thing online but do something very different offline.

If the woman was hard-working and making money,you will still complain that she is proud and difficult for you to control or that she is denying you sex,that she is cheating and that's why her business is booming,she is not cooking,not taking care of your child and home,etc.

Now you have seen the one that prefers to sit at home ,be domesticated and depend on you for everything including the air she breathes,you are still complaining.

Abeg rest!

Your wife was basically mentally designed to be a housewife.... I won't even say a real housewife... A real housewife will keep the home up and running and endeavor to not worry her husband

But this your own wife that's a housewife is just a baby mama in disguise

Know this and know peace ✌️🕊️

You don't love yourself, divorce her ASAP and move on before you die, once you get accident she don leave you go meet another man ASAP.

Things are really tough at the moment with regards to the Nigerian economy...time for full-time housewife has passed.

Stop giving her money easily whenever she asks for it so she'll know that things are hard

You are trapped in a role of pure provision with no partnership. Your wife has successfully established a dynamic where all your resources flow to her, and in return, she provides the minimum required to maintain the structure of the marriage (occasional cooking, presence in the home) while outsourcing the actual work of childcare to a niece.

Her actions—abandoning multiple business ventures despite significant support, requesting an expensive phone during your financial hardship, and offering no support during your crisis—are not failures or oversights. They are evidence of a successful strategy: securing your income without the obligation of contribution. Your fear about what would happen to the family if you could not provide is the core vulnerability; it reveals that your value in the relationship is conditional on your ability to produce

Your attempts to motivate her through communication and support will continue to fail because the current arrangement benefits her entirely. She has no incentive to change. You face a choice between accepting a life of resentful provision or disrupting the family unit by confronting a reality she has no interest in acknowledging.

I now understand why the bibles warns us about bad wife. May God strengthens you