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Nairaland Forum / Entertainment / Jokes Etc / Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego (1488390 Views)
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Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 11:42am On Oct 04, 2013 |
A GIRL'S FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES:- "Wow I just found the love of my life...Nothing will ever stop me from loving my man♥." . ,, ,, . ,14 DAYS LATER:- "Never make sum1 a priority when u're just an option to them..!" . ,, ,, . 2 DAYS LATER:- "I HATE love so much!" . ,, ,, . 3 DAYS LATER. "I'm happy to remain single and I will never fall in love again." . ,, ,, . 5 DAYS LATER:- "I'm looking for a man to love and treat me right." . ,, ,, . 15 DAYS LATER:- "When u deeply fall in love with a right person, u realise why it didn't work with anybody else but him. I love my guy so much....mmmuaaa h. " . ,, ,, . 8 DAYS LATER:- "smh..!! All men are the same!!!!!" 22 Likes 4 Shares |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 3:16pm On Oct 04, 2013 |
A Funny Conversation Between A Man And His Daughter. The Girl said: Dad, I’m in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am here in Nigeria and he lives in London. We met on a dating website, became friends on facebook, had long chats on whatsapp, he proposed to me on skype, and now we’ve had 2 months of relationship through Viber. I need your blessings and good wishes, daddy. Her Dad replied: Wow! Really!! Then get married on twitter, have fun on tango. Buy your kids on e-bay, receive them through gmail. And if you are fed up with your husband sell him on OLX. 16 Likes 2 Shares |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 7:37pm On Oct 04, 2013 |
Akpos and his best friend Kome sat in the exam room to write their final exams. Kome had studied very well for the paper while Akpos had not. This is what went on between them in the exam room. INVIGILATOR : 10 mins more… AKPOS : Kome, are you done with the theory? KOME : Yes, but I am now doing the objectives. AKPOS : Ok then pass the theory to me, for me to copy because I have not done anything. KOME : Is that so? Ok take it and copy because time is not on our side. AKPOS : Thanks INVIGILATOR : Get ready to stop work…… KOME : Hey Akpos, give me my paper. AKPOS : Oh Kome, I couldn’t do it oo…it was too much, so I cancelled your name and wrote my name there… KOME : What!!! INVIGILATOR : Stop work!!!. 10 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 7:15am On Oct 05, 2013 |
Son: wow! The fabulous Super Eagles Of Nigeria will be playing a football match with Malawi. Can we go to the stadium tomorrow? Dad: No. U have to queue up to get tickets and even stand during the match. You can see it better on TV. Daughter: Can we make it to the trade fair this weekend? Dad: No sweety, there is grand sales live show on TV every Saturday. We will watch everything on TV. Wife: Honey honey, let's go have a wonderful time at the Nigeria Music Awards this evening. Dad: Hmm. No Darling, it will be broadcast live on TV. Better on TV at home Dad: Daaarling, I'm hungry. What are we eating for dinner? Wife: U can watch Daughters Of Sarah on TV. They are preparing yam and oil beans. Enjoy dinner. Everything is better on TV. 11 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 8:23am On Oct 05, 2013 |
At a church service on a sunday in northern Nigeria, while service was still on, all of a sudden a boy stood up and shouted bOMb! bOMb!! bOMb!!! Immediately every one was running helter skelter some even fainted while some said their last prayers, even pastor sef prayed last prayer, then the boy ran to the alter picked up the Microphone and shouted ApriLLLL fOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOL.... 6 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 5:18pm On Oct 05, 2013 |
Akpos was seated in a bus and a lady came in. Because the bus was filled up, she had to stand. Akpos said out aloud: I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortably seated, it bothers me. The Girl asked: So what do you do? . . . . . . . . Akpos replied: I close my eyes and sleep. 10 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 9:53pm On Oct 05, 2013 |
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along, delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor? Scroll down for the answer. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. 7 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 4:44pm On Oct 06, 2013 |
A Drunk 18yrs old boy ask a married woman out. The woman gets pissed and tells her husband Akpos the scenario. Akpos tells her to invite the boy over so that he can beat the hell out of him. He also tells His Wife that he will hide under the bed and wait for the boy. The woman did as her hubby requested. When the boy gets there he kisses the woman and takes off his T-shirt and his body is full of scars so the woman asks "why so many scars??". The boy replies: "I like to lay with married women and usually i get caught so i kill their husbands. If someone shows up now he'll be Number 20 on my murder list". The boy continue kissing the woman and then the woman tries to reach out to her husband Akpos under the bed. A small voice came up and says: "If you tell him am here, i swear, i'll kill u before he kills me. 6 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 6:27pm On Oct 06, 2013 |
Akpos was on his way back home early one morning when he came across robbers. They got hold of him. He struggled and struggled but they over powered him. When they searched him and found only one torn N20 note on him, the following dialogue ensued. Robbers: (Angrily) Wait, so it is dis nonsense tear tear N20 dat is makin u to struggle with us, are u nt afraid of our gun, dere's bullet inside o. Akpos: No o, why wuldnt i b afraid of u people's gun wen bullet is inside, I thought u all want to collect d N10,000 i'm hidin inside my socks on my right leg shoe. 6 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 8:51pm On Oct 06, 2013 |
Boy: Babe, i want to show you something. Girl: What is it?? Boy: But can i show you this in your room? Girl: Okay. Boy: Can we close the door? Girl: hmmm okay Boy: Can we close the window? Girl: Okay. Boy: Can we turn off the light? Girl: Yess. Boy: Grab my hand. Girl: *grabs his hand* what is it? Boy: Look at this, my watch glows in the dark!!! 4 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by Nobody: 10:45pm On Oct 06, 2013 |
I HATE HAVING DREAMS.. The last time i dreamt, i died in the dream and went to heaven. I met with an angel who i begged for another chance. He agreed to send me back to the earth but on the condition that i will come back as a female chicken. I had no option than to agree, so i was sent back to earth from heaven. When i came back as a female chicken, i met a male cock who got me pregnant. After months of my pregnancy, time to deliver came. I hatched the first egg, followed by the second, third and fourth. While i was trying to hatch the fifth egg, I heard a sounding slap on my face. I woke up immediately from my dream and saw my friend standing by my bedside, he looked at me and said "Mumu! you don sheet for bed oo" 17 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 9:13am On Oct 07, 2013 |
Akpos: Madam, how much are your eggs? Egg Seller: Big ones go for N30, small ones N25, cracked ones N5. Akpos: Ok Madam crack six big ones for me. 9 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 1:16pm On Oct 07, 2013 |
Akpos And Rukewe were throwing stones to bring a mango down from a tree. Rukewe suggested, "Maybe it is not ripe, why don't we confirm first?" Akpos climbed the tree & went to touch it to make sure it was ripe.., "Yep, it is ripe!" He climbed down & they continued throwing stones at it with much more effort this time... 2 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by Hackerjay(m): 5:44pm On Oct 07, 2013 |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 10:05am On Oct 08, 2013 |
A couple watching an EPL match together. After five minutes: Wife: Is that Saint Obi? Husband: No. He is Mikel Obi. Saint Obi is a Nollywood Actor. Wife: Mikel Obi is smart. He should be in Nollywood movies like his brother. Husband : He does not have a Nollywood actor brother. Wife: See Another Goal in less than a minute. Husband: No. It is called action replay. Wife: Looks like Enyimba is going to win this match. Husband: It is not Enyimba. It is Man U vs Chelsea. Wife: Why is the umpire calling for a Firing Squad. Husband: He is called a centre referee and he is not calling for a firing Squad. It's a free Kick. Wife: Did the spectators not pay for the tickets? Why is it a Free Kick? Husband: #Mute , not uttering a word.#. Wife: Now is the centre umpire talking to his wife on the phone? Husband: No, he is communicating with his linesman. Wife: Why is he showing only red and yellow cards? Is there not any Blue card or something? Frustrated husband turns off the TV. *Wife turns it on and watches "African Magic".* Husband: Who is this Mercy Johnson? Wife: Listen to what they are saying and Don't disturb me. 5 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 1:06pm On Oct 08, 2013 |
Wife: Our house girl is pregnant? Husband: That's her problem. Wife: I heard you are responsible. Husband: That's my problem. Wife: I can't take this from you! Husband: That's your problem. Wife: The neighbours are talking. Husband: That's their problem. Wife: This house will not contain me and you. Husband: That's our problem. Let everybody carry and solve their problem. One word for Husband. 4 Likes 2 Shares |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 5:06pm On Oct 08, 2013 |
A doctor summons a woman & asks to know why, after the husband had complained to him dat the woman no longer allows him to sleep with her. The woman said; I work so hard for d family. It happens like dis, i get ready for work in d mornin, i take a taxi to work, on gettin dere, dere's no money on me, d taxi driver asks; do u want to pay or what? I go for or what. At work, i fail to meet up d daily target, my boss asks; do u want me to sack u or what? I go for or what. Goin back home, i take a taxi, on gettin home, no money on me. The taxi driver asks; do u want to pay or what? I go for or what. Dats it! The doctor then leans forward and says; So, do u want me to tell ur husband or what? 5 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 6:25pm On Oct 08, 2013 |
A robbery operation was being conducted on cars caught up on traffic by robbers. They were robbin all d cars one after d other. On gettin to a range rover sports car, their leader hailed d occupant and allowed it to go. Why did u allow dat car to go?....one of d robbers asked d leader. He replied; D person in dat car is an ex governor of dis state, our elder in robbing and our former leader but has retire. 5 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 7:49pm On Oct 08, 2013 |
One night armed robbers were tryin to break in and rob a rich man's house. The rich man quickly called d police with his phone and Akpos, a newly recruited police man answered d call and assured d man he's comin. As he was comin alone, d armed robbers halted him; come here, where are u goin wit dat gun? Akpos the police man suddenly stopped & started shiverin. He replied; i heard u are robbin here so i decided to come & use dis gun to support u people! The armed robber shouted; is dat not police uniform u are puttin on. Akpos quickly replied: No o, it's my night gown. 1 Like |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by chycoroxie(f): 9:30pm On Oct 08, 2013 |
Dame Patience went out for drink with some of the top women…. Waiter brings their bill: Dame Patience N10,400 Ngozi Okonjo. N10,250 Dora Akunyili. N10,450 Turai Yar’adua. N10,200 Total. N41,300 She says: I will pay for everyone else, but Total must pay for herself because I didn’t invite her, afterall she owns petrol stations all over Nigeria! .....=)) =)) 8 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 8:53am On Oct 09, 2013 |
A maid wanted a salary raise. Madam wanted 3 reasons why she wanted a raise. Maid: I can cook Better than you. Madam: Who told you that? Maid: Your husband told me. Madam: OK, second reason? Maid: I can iron better than you. Madam: Who told you that? Maid: Your husband told me. Madam: OK, and the third reason? Maid: I'm also better in bed than you. "This time Madam was furious & was gettin ready to break her head" Madam: Did my husband say that? Maid: No the driver told me I'm better in bed than you are. Madam: Please lower your voice. I will increase your salary. 7 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 9:58am On Oct 09, 2013 |
HOW TO PROPOSE TO A LADY THE NORMAL WAY... First thing to do is hire a helicopter, invite her for a ride (we all know that no girl will reject a helicopter ride). Immediately you are in the sky, bring out the engagement ring and propose to her by saying .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. "Marry me or get out of my helicopter" No girl can ever say no to that.. Try it and see! 6 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 11:46am On Oct 09, 2013 |
Akpos is right back from school hungry and tired. Mum: oh Akpos, u're back? Akpos: Yes mum Mum: How was school today? Akpos: Fine mum Mum: What were u taught in school today? Akpos: Agriculture. A topic on Desert Mum: Wow! Dats gud, so what is a desert? Akpos: A desert is a place where grass never grows Mum: Example? Akpos: Dad's head 4 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 2:22pm On Oct 09, 2013 |
A man was going around 1.00am alone in his car and got to a checkpoint. The police man stopped him and asked for everything which he gave out. The police had nothing to ask again, in order to charge him, the police man said; "I charge you for driving alone at this time of the day, if you have an accident now who will go and tell your people ?" The man replied: I'm not alone, Jesus Christ is with me here, The Holy Spirit, Angel Gabriel, Angel Micheal and five other angels are with me here. The police man said: "All these people inside this your small car? I charge you for overloading. 4 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 3:23pm On Oct 09, 2013 |
Ways to know if you have mouth odour. 1. You always win an argument quickly. 2. You are explaining something to your friends and they are looking at another direction. 3. Any time you yawn, dogs always bark. 4. You want to kiss your girlfriend and she tells you "I don't like kissing". 5. You want to whisper to your friend's ear and he starts begging you that he already know what u want to say. 6. You try to sing for a little baby and he/she starts crying. 7. Pastor is praying for everybody in the church, when it got to your turn, he instructed you to say AMEN in ur mind. 3 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 4:21pm On Oct 09, 2013 |
Pastor Akpos told his church members, that he saw a vision that he should pray for all working class members of the church. So he said all church members should bring their working tools on sunday. On sunday, as he was starting the program, he said everybody who brought their working tools, should stretch it forward and face him. All members did as he said Tailors stretched their Scissors towards him. Teachers stretched their Chalk towards him. Bankers stretched their Pen towards him. And about 15 members of the church who were hunters and Police Men, also stretched their Guns towards him. Not noticing there were guns pointed at him Pastor Akpos said to all the workers to start making use of their tools as they do in their normal way of life. Tailors started clipping their scissors. Teachers started moving their Chalk. Bankers started signing with their Pen And the 15 members with Guns released their erroneous bullets towards Akpos. . . . . . . . . . Akpos has been flown to Germany for treatment over 15 bullet wounds. I pray he survives. 1 Like |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 6:51pm On Oct 09, 2013 |
Wife: Honey can i use OUR Blackberry? Husband: No problem, It's on the table. Wife: Can i use our jeep? I want to get something from the market. Husband: But you have ur own car ok here is the key. Wife: Erm, erm, honey..... erm, erm can i use our ATM Card? I want to withdraw our money. Husband: If i give you our slap, you will not see clearly with our eyes to drive our jeep to withdraw our money. 1 Like 1 Share |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 2:45pm On Oct 10, 2013 |
Akpos comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "My husband! I am one month overdue. Is like am pregnant! The doctor gave me test today, but until it's sure, we wuldn't tell anybody." The next day, Akpos' wife receives a telephone call from PHCN because they had not paid their bill. Am I speaking to Mr Akpos? "This is he's wife. She replies. PHCN guy: "You're a month overdue hope u all know?" How did you people know? stammers Akpos' wife. "Madam it's in our files" says the PHCN guy. She shouts "how did it enter u people's file?" Phcn guy: We have a system of finding out who's overdue Akpos Wife: Oh my GOD !!!!!!, this is too much, what kind of thing is dis? Phcn guy: Madam, I am sorry, I am following orders, I have to inform you that you are overdue Akpos' wife: no problem. I'll tell my husband when he comes back. That night, she tells Akpos "They know i'm overdue at PHCN o!", The next day Akpos rushes to PHCN office. "What is happening? i heard dat u people has a file dat my wife is overdue. Does it concern u people!"he says angrily. Just calm down, says the lady at the reception at PHCN, its nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us. Akpos: Pay u people for what? What if i don't pay? Lady: Well, in that case, sir, we have no option but to cut yours off. Akpos: If u cut it what will my wife do? Lady: I don't know. I guess, she would have to use a candle!!! Akpos fainted!! 6 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 2:45pm On Oct 10, 2013 |
Akpos comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "My husband! I am one month overdue. Is like am pregnant! The doctor gave me test today, but until it's sure, we wuldn't tell anybody." The next day, Akpos' wife receives a telephone call from PHCN because they had not paid their bill. Am I speaking to Mr Akpos? "This is he's wife. She replies. PHCN guy: "You're a month overdue hope u all know?" How did you people know? stammers Akpos' wife. "Madam it's in our files" says the PHCN guy. She shouts "how did it enter u people's file?" Phcn guy: We have a system of finding out who's overdue Akpos Wife: Oh my GOD !!!!!!, this is too much, what kind of thing is dis? Phcn guy: Madam, I am sorry, I am following orders, I have to inform you that you are overdue Akpos' wife: no problem. I'll tell my husband when he comes back. That night, she tells Akpos "They know i'm overdue at PHCN o!", The next day Akpos rushes to PHCN office. "What is happening? i heard dat u people has a file dat my wife is overdue. Does it concern u people!"he says angrily. Just calm down, says the lady at the reception at PHCN, its nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us. Akpos: Pay u people for what? What if i don't pay? Lady: Well, in that case, sir, we have no option but to cut yours off. Akpos: If u cut it what will my wife do? Lady: I don't know. I guess, she would have to use a candle!!! Akpos fainted!! |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 5:01pm On Oct 10, 2013 |
Akpos applied for a job and after the interview, the boss called him and said "After going through your C.V, i am proud to tell you that you've been employed and we want you to use your knowledge and experience to drive this company to greater heights" Akpos got angry and said "Sir, with all due respect, i read Mechanical Engineering in Delta State University Abraka, i don't only have a B.sc but an M.sc and you expect me to be a driver? 2 Likes |
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