A baby boy was born in
hospital laughing instead
of crying, the more the
nurses beat him, the more
he laughed so hard, suddenly the
doctor
noticed he had something
in his hands, so he pulled
the tiny hands apart and
discovered he was holding
3 abortion pills. The baby then
turned his
head looking at his mother,
laughed again and said
"NO WEAPON FASHIONED
AGAINST ME SHALL
PROSPER!"

A nursery two girl asked her
teacher,"Ma,can my Mum get pregnant?" The
teacher asked,"how old is your mum?" The
girl said,"she is forty yrs old." The teacher
replied,"yes,sh e can." The girl asked
again,"can my sister get pregnant?" The
teacher asked,"how old is your sister?" She
replied,"she is nineteen years old." The
teacher replied,"yes,sh e can." She then finally
asked,"can I get pregnant?" The teacher
replied,"u are just five yrs old,so,u can't get
pregnant." The boy behind him,her
classmate,poked her and said,"I told u,we
have nothing to worry about."

PROSTITUTE: Oga U wan do?..
AKPOS: If only u
go do am like my wife..
PROSTITUTE: Yes na!
How she dey do am?..
AKPOS: She dey do am
for FREE

A plane carrying politicians crashed into a
farm.
When the police arrived, they found out that
the farmerhad
already buried them.
The following conversation ensued :
POLICE : Are you sure they were dead ?.
FARMER : Yes, I'm very sure, though I heard
some screaming
"Help me! I'm still alive o!", but you know
these politicians,
they lie a lot!

HOW WILL YOU FEEL IF. . . .
1. You wake up in the morning, look into the
mirror and you cant see your face?
2. You take LUX bath in it doesnt lather on
your body. . .
3. You shittz well well into a chamber pot
after taking purgative and after, you see crabs
in the chamber pot
4.You take picture with your webcam and you
see Mugabe 5.You call people with your
phone for 2 days and none of them answer
6.You go to the market to buy meat, and
butcher says he wont sell it to you! 7.You post
a joke and after 7 days still 1 Like and 0
Comment
8.Guy, you go for check up and doctor tell you
say you get belle!
9.You mess well alone in your room and mess
nor dey smell. . . 10.You dey shittz for bush
and your own shittz come dey tell you say" do
quick!, do quick!!"

A wife treats her husband by taking him to a
strip club for his birthday.
At the club, the doorman says, "Hi Jim, how
are you?"
The wife asks, "How does he know you?"
Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him."
Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?"
Jim says to Wife, "Before you say anything,
He's on the Darts team."
Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do you crave the
special again?"
The Wife storms out dragging Jim with her &
jumps into a taxi. The Taxi driver Says, "Hey
Jimmy boy!
You picked up an ugly one this time..."
.
Jim's Funeral is on Sunday!!!

Akpos woke up from sleep and found a letter
on top of the fridge, he took the letter and it
reads..
"It's no more working and i can't continue
staying here, i'm gone and till something is
done about it, i'm not going to come back"
Akpos opened the fridge, took out a chilled
drink and took a sip.. With surprise on his
face, he said..
"But the fridge is working now, what the hell
is she talking about?"

>>>Conversation between a Rat and Man
Rat: (with tiny voice) hello.
Man: hello, who am i speaking wit?
Rat: na Mr John be dis abi?
Man: yes u are speaking wit Mr John, who is
dis pls?
Rat: so u no recognize my voice abi? Na me ur
room mate.
Man: u say what?.
Rat: ur room mate Rat. I dey ur room now..
Man: i beg ur pardon?
Rat: which yeye beg u dey beg me. i never
chop since yesterday wey u waka comot. I
check that place wey u dey put food i no see
anything. I check d kitchen nothing. I even
check ur fridge no single food there. E be like
say u wan kill me abi.. No problem, i jux say
make i let u know say That ur certificate 4
inside your wardrobe wey dem write LAGOS
STATE UNIVERSITY I don eat d"LA"comot.
Remaining "GOS"STATE UNIVERSITY. Let me
see which work u go take "GOS"state
university find....
(rat ends call)

Akpos is applying for a job as a signalman for
the local railroad and is told to meet the
inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Akpos a pop
quiz, asking: "What would you do if you
realized that two trains were heading
towards each other on the same track?"
Akpos says: "I would switch one train to
another track."
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.
"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the
manual lever down there", answers Akpos.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
challenges the inspector.
"Then," Akpos continued, "I'd run back up
here and use the phone to call the next signal
box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"In that case," Akpos argued, "I'd run to the
street level and use the public phone near the
station".
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh well," said Akpos, "in that case I would
run into town and get my Brother Ofego".
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why
would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash."

Akpos is applying for a job as a signalman for
the local railroad and is told to meet the
inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Akpos a pop
quiz, asking: "What would you do if you
realized that two trains were heading
towards each other on the same track?"
Akpos says: "I would switch one train to
another track."
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.
"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the
manual lever down there", answers Akpos.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
challenges the inspector.
"Then," Akpos continued, "I'd run back up
here and use the phone to call the next signal
box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"In that case," Akpos argued, "I'd run to the
street level and use the public phone near the
station".
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh well," said Akpos, "in that case I would
run into town and get my Brother Ofego".
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why
would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash."

Bill Gates organized an enormous
session to recruit a new CEO for
Microsoft Europe. Five thousand candidates
assembled in
a large room. One candidate is
Ayodele a Naija guy. Bill Gates thanked all the
candidates for
coming and asking those who do
not know Java program to leave.
Two thousand candidates leave the
room. Ayodele says to himself, "I do
not know JaVa but I have nothing to lose if I
stay. I'll give it a try. Bill Gates asked the
candidates who
never had experience of managing
more than 100 people to leave. Two
thousand leave the room. Ayodele says
to himself "I never managed anybody
by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay.
What can happen to me?" So
he stays. Then Bill Gates asked candidates
who
do not have management diplomas to
leave. Five hundred people leave the
room. Ayodele says to himself, "I left
school at 15 but what have I got to
lose?" So he stays in the room. Lastly, Bill gates
asked the candidates
who do not speak Serb-Croatian to
leave. Four hundred ninety-eight
candidates leave the room. Ayodele
says to himself, "I do not speak one
word of Serb - Croatian but what do I have to
lose?" So he stays and finds
himself with one other candidate.
Everyone else has gone. Bill Gates joined them
and said,
"Apparently you are the only two
candidates who speak Serb - Croatian,
so I'd now like to hear you have a
conversation together in that
language." Calmly, Ayodele turns to the other
candidate and says, "Wahala wa o!"
The other candidate answers "O gaju o

Bill Gates organized an enormous
session to recruit a new CEO for
Microsoft Europe. Five thousand candidates
assembled in
a large room. One candidate is
Ayodele a Naija guy. Bill Gates thanked all the
candidates for
coming and asking those who do
not know Java program to leave.
Two thousand candidates leave the
room. Ayodele says to himself, "I do
not know JaVa but I have nothing to lose if I
stay. I'll give it a try. Bill Gates asked the
candidates who
never had experience of managing
more than 100 people to leave. Two
thousand leave the room. Ayodele says
to himself "I never managed anybody
by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay.
What can happen to me?" So
he stays. Then Bill Gates asked candidates
who
do not have management diplomas to
leave. Five hundred people leave the
room. Ayodele says to himself, "I left
school at 15 but what have I got to
lose?" So he stays in the room. Lastly, Bill gates
asked the candidates
who do not speak Serb-Croatian to
leave. Four hundred ninety-eight
candidates leave the room. Ayodele
says to himself, "I do not speak one
word of Serb - Croatian but what do I have to
lose?" So he stays and finds
himself with one other candidate.
Everyone else has gone. Bill Gates joined them
and said,
"Apparently you are the only two
candidates who speak Serb - Croatian,
so I'd now like to hear you have a
conversation together in that
language." Calmly, Ayodele turns to the other
candidate and says, "Wahala wa o!"
The other candidate answers "O gaju o

Akpos who has no wife, no child, no money,
no home, a blind mother, infact very very
poor.
But one day, he saw a magician who
promised to grant him only one wish.
Magician : tell me one thing u wish and i will
do it for u right now
Akpos : ok, i have one wish, i want my
mother to see my wife carrying two out of my
kids in my hummer jeep parked near the
swimming pool in one of my many mansions
situated at london city.
magician
.
.
.
Fainted

Teacher: "What is 1+1?
Children: "8"
Teacher: "Correct"
Teacher: "What is 2+5?"...
Children: "14
" Teacher: "Correct"
Teacher: "What is 4+6?
Children: "20
"Teacher: "Good, it will remain like that until
government pays my salary!

Akpos: Baby how much do u luv
me?.
Girlfriend: Very much!
Akpos: Would u do anytin 4
me?
Girlfriend: Yes i will do anytin. Akpos, how
much do u luv me?...
Akpos: I love u pass my
granny.
Girlfriend: Would u die 4 me?.
Akpos: Baby, i will answer dat question in our
next world.

SOME FUNNY IRONIES OF LIFE
1. A poor witchdoctor who
promises you wealth.
2. A Dentist with rotten
teeth and bad breath.
3. When a Company Driver's
children walk at
least 2km to
and fro school everyday.
4. The Principal's child
who have repeated class
more than any other
student.
5. The Professional Boxer
whose child gets bullied in
school.
6. A Vet Doctor that is
scared of dogs.
7. A book street Vendor selling
books on how
to become
a billionaire
8. A Farmer whose mother
died of starvation.
9. A Gym instructor with pot
belle.
10. A carpenter that uses
only plastic chairs at home
11. A Single and lonely On Air
Personality "DJ" talking
about
love matter and match making
over the radio.
12.A Mechanic without his
own vehicle
13.A doctor suffering from
flu and malaria
14. uncircumcised doctor doing
circumcision
15.Someone promoting gay
rights when he’s happily
married to the opposite sex.
16. iPhone supplier who has a
nokia 3310.
17.A manager at MTN who uses
AIRTEL

Father-In-Law: Akpos where are u?
Akpos: Sir, i heard ur
voice and i hid myself becos i beat my my
wife.
Father-In-Law: Why did u beat ur wife?
Akpos: The apple u ask us not to eat, d wife u
gave me ate it and instead of tempting me
with it she
ate all.
Father-In-Law: Akpos becos u have wish and
have wanted to eat
d apple which i commanded u not to eat,
foolishness, uselessness, illitracy, mumuness
shall be ur portion.
Akpos: But Sir as u have already curse me, let
me just eat d apple so dat my curse will not
be in
vain.

NIGERIA CARS AND THEIR STICKERS.
Cars in nigeria now zoom the streets with
stickers associated with the class the car
belongs to;just look @ these;
On most jeeps like Hummer,Lexus,yo u will
see the stickers''The Lord has lifted me
up;And other post cars in that category like S-
class,E-class ,Honda Accord,you will see the
sticker''I am apple of God's eyes''.
On 505,504,and other tokumbos.you will see
the sticker,''Touch not my anointed and do
my prophet no harm''.
On cars like the good old beetle and panel
vans,you will,see,the stickers''let the weak
ones know that i am strong''.
There are other cars especially those that
cannot pass any other roadworthy test;these
cars are simply moving junks.They have no
brand name or country of origin.They are
more likely to fall apart at any moment.You
may need to hold the doors with your hand
or with a piece of string.Guess what sticker
you will see on these cars?,''Relax, God is in
control''.

A guy was sending a text message to his
girlfriend:
Hello baby?-
Message not sent.
And waited for about 5min
Baby i love u y nt talking to me?- Message
not sent.
Ha baby u hurting my
felings for u!-
Message not sent.
Baby am talking to u,
whats wrong with you? -
Message Sent.
Baby dont eva cal my
number again it's over between us!-
Message Sent.
What kind network dey courses dis kind
confusion?
A.mtn
B.glo
C.etisalat
D.airtel
E.others
F.none of d above

A Journalist to a
Doctor of a mental hospital & the following
conversation ensued :
JOURNALIST : How do you determine to admit
a patient or not ?
DOCTOR : Well, we first fill a bathtub with
water till the top. We then give a teaspoon, a
glass cup and a bucket to the patient and ask
him/her to empty the bathtub.
JOURNALIST : Obviously a normal person
would use the BUCKET because it's bigger.
DOCTOR : No, you're stupid! A normal person
would pull the DRAIN PLUG! Nurse, admit this
idiot in Ward 7!!

A Man missed his wife who travelled, so much
that he felt the matrimonial bed was too big
for just him alone. Then, he decided to sleep
on the sofa, dinning chair and sometimes in
the library, children's room and the Guest
room. When the wife came back, she asked
the maid if her husband was sleeping fine
while she was away. But the maid answered:
Madam, since u left, Oga has not been
sleeping in u people's Bedroom, He has been
sleeping around
ooooooo.The woman screamed & fainted!!!
see what grammar can cause...

Akpos enters a church n
finds the priest.
Priest: How may I help
you son?
Akpos: Im looking for
my wife, she said she
would be here but
as I can see she's not
around. Now that am
here, I would like to
confess
They go to the
confession area Akpos:
forgive me father for I
have sinned
Priest: What are your
sins my son?
Akpos: The other day, I
went looking for my
wife at her home
but she was not there. I
found her sister alone, I
slept with the
sister.
Priest: Oh, that is sin,
but at least you came
to confess Akpos: Then
another day I went
looking for her at her
aunt's
place but she was not
there, I found her cousin
alone, I slept
with the cousin
Priest: You know that is
wrong my son
Akpos: Then the other
day I went looking for
her at her
working place. She was
not there, I found her
colleague alone... Priest
interrupts: Let me
guess, you slept with
her colleague
Akpos: Yes father
Then there was total
silence after that.
Akpos: Father?
Akpos: Fatherrr?
Still no reply Akpos:
Father are you dia??
Akpos peeps through
and finds out that the
priest is no longer
there . He looks for him
and finds him hiding.
Akpos: Why are you
hiding father?
Priest (shaking with
fear): I've just realised
I'm the only one
here and you came
looking for your wife.

Akpos decided to follow his friend Osas
on a hunting trip deep in the forest of
Okomu reserve in Iguobazuwa. Akpos
has never gone hunting while Osas has
hunted all his life. When they got to the
middle of the forest, Osas told Akpos to sit by
a tree and not make a sound
while he checks out an antelope trail.
After he got about a quarter of a mile
away, Osas heard a blood-curling
scream which scared away nearby
antelope. He rushed back to Akpos and yelled;
"I think I tell you say make you
quiet?"
Akpos replied : "Shuo, I try o, I really try.
When green snake waka pass my leg I
nor shake body or make peem sound.
When gorilla come dey breath hot and smelly
smelly air for my face, I nor
shake body or make shekele sound. But
when two squirrel waka enter my
trouser leg, one come tell the other one
say, "Chei, see as this two palm kernels
big like coconut, we nor go fit chop dem
finish for here, so make we pluck
and carry dem go home", naim I come
start to halla.

Akpos was in a
business meeting
where other
moguls and wealthy
men were present. Rich
businessman Akpos
was looking for a way
to
oppress the other rich
men and show he was
the
richest.
He shouted for his
driver: Driver! Driverrrrr.
Come
here quickly!
John the driver came
quickly to his oga,
Akpos.
Akpos now seeing that
all eyes were on him
after
the way he shouted
loudly for his driver,
continued to talk loudly
to the driver:
"Driver, go to my house,
not the brown house o,
the white one. Not the
white one in Banana
Island
o, go to the white one in
Victoria Island. Not the
one on Adeola Odeku
street you hear, but the
one
on Etim Iyang Crescent.
Not any ofmy semi-
detached houses ie 22A
or 22B, but go straight
to
the 3 storey detached
house with swimming
pool,
CCTV, electric gate,
wifi, marble-finished
with all
rooms ensuite at No. 31.
Ehen! Now take this
remote control for the
large
black gate, press this
button and it will open.
When you enter, you will
see a blue 2013 Porsche
Cayenne okay.. Now
perpendicularly
opposite
that 2013 Porsche
Cayene is a silver 2013
Land
Rover LR4 Jeep, It is not
that one.
Trigonometrical
ly 35 degrees to the LR4
is the grey 2013 Lexus
V8,
It's not that one. This
2013 Lexus V8 is very
close
to a black Mercedes
Benz Gl 4matic. The
4matic
Benz is just behind a
Gold Coloured Chrysler
300c,
the Chrysler is beside
my Red Escalade ESV
which
is in front of my white
2013 Escalade EXT,
blocking
a Hummer H3T,
opposite a blue 2013
BMW M5.
Then make a u-turn by
the BMW and you will
see
three recently
purchased powerbikes
from the US
of A. Now take a
diagonal sharp turn to
the
extreme left and you
will one oldddd archaic
car, a
2012 white Prado jeep,
which I will soon throw
away. Just beside that
is my built-to-intern
ational-
specifi cation swimming
pool, opposite of which
is a wine red 2013 Prado
Altitude.Now you have
reached there.
Go to the boot of the
wine red 2013 Prado
Altitude,
open it, you will see red,
white and blue
briefcases.
The red one contains
dollars, $10 million. Don’t
touch it. The blue
contains Pounds, 8
million
pounds. Don’t touch it.
The white one contains
Naira, I arranged them
in hierarchical order -
1000s, 500s, 200s,
100s, 50s, 20s
denominations.
Don’t touch them. Now
near theseboxes, you
will
see a crocodile skin
Christian Louboutin
limited
edition wallet!
Check inside the
designer wallet and you
will see a
N10 note. Take that
N10 and buy me N5 pure
water and bring it here
promptly! I’m very
thirsty!
Buy very cold one o and
you better not forget to
bring my change!

STUPID QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS..
- NA YOU BE THIS?
ans- Nooo, na my papa wey him small
-NA YOUR FACE BE THIS?
ans- Nooo, na my hips
-NA POLICE STATION BE THIS?
ans- Nooo, na primary school, you no see
their uniform?
- Give me your number.. 080360... SO NA MTN
YOU DEY USE?
ans- Nooo, na NEPA
- (A guy sees walks to you on ur wedding and
says) SO NA YOUR WIFE BE THIS?
ans- Nooo, na my mama classmate
- (Calls you around 2a.m and ask) GUY ARE
YOU SLEEPING?
ans- Nooo, i was pounding yam

AKPOS: Please, send an ambulance
fast! My friend just had an
accident. He's bleeding from the
nose and ears, and I think both of
his legs are broken!
OPERATOR: Where is your
location?
AKPOS: Gba--ja-bia--mi la Street.
OPERATOR: Please, spell the
Gbajabiamila.
[minutes of silence]
OPERATOR: Are you there?
[Still silent]
OPERATOR: Hey, mister! Are you
there!?
AKPOS: [Panting] Erm...Erm...so
sorry for the delay. I couldn't spell
Gbajabiamila. So, I've dragged him
to Oni street. Should I spell it
now?

Teacher - "We are the descendants of
Adam and Eve."
Akpors - "...Excuse me sir, but my dad
says
we are the decendants of ape."
Teacher - "We are not talking about ur family
here"

Akpos was listening to adverts
on a radio station, he just listened
to MTN advert and the next
advert was Obituary:
RADIO ANNOUNCER: With deep
sense of loss but total submission
to the will of God we announce
the death of our father, great
grand-father, in-law, uncle,
brother and step- father.
Akpos: aaaaaaaahhhhhhh , Five
people die in one famillllllyyyyy
yy!, was it accident or Fire that burnt them?
Who will remain in
the family now eeeehn?

One day Akpos was going home from school,
on his way home, he met a man and asked
him
''Excuse me sir, what's the time?''
The man replied
''It's 15 mins to 4.00pm''
Akpos continued walking and told the man
''When 4.00pm reaches, you can Kiss my ass!''
The angered man started chasing Akpos
so that he could beat the boy up for the
insult...
He ran after him for about 2mins until they
reached where a certain old man was
seated... Akpos ran to the old man and said
''Hey granny.. Look at this man... He wants to
beat me!''
The old man asked the young man who was
chasing Akpos
''.... What's the problem man?''
The young man replied
''This little brat asked me what is the time and
when I told him that it was 15 mins to
4.00pm, he told me that when 4.00pm
reaches, I should kiss his ass!''
The old man paused and looked at his watch
and told the young man
''But why are you in such hurry? You'll have to
wait 7 more minutes before you can Kiss his
ass!''

Conversation between Governor Akpos and
his secretary...
Governor Akpos: Secretary, REMEMBER me
about this when we get to the office.
Secretary: You mean I should REMIND you sir?
Governor Akpos: Ok, correction me and lost
your job!

Akpos and his best friend Ofego sat in the
exam hall to write their final year exam.
Ofego had studied very well for the paper
while Akpos had not.
This is what went on between them in the
exam hall.
INVIGILATOR: 10 minutes to Stop work.
AKPOS: Ofego are you done with the theory?.
Ofego: Yes but am now doing the objectives.
AKPOS: Ok then pass the theory to me for me
to copy cos i have not done anything.
Ofego: is that so? Ok take it and copy cos time
is not on our side.
AKPOS: Thanks!
INVIGILATOR: Get ready to stop work......
Ofego: Hey Akpos give me my paper.
AKPOS: Oh Ofego i couldn't do it o...it was
too many, so i cancelled ur name and wrote
my name there.
Ofego: What!!!
INVIGILATOR: Stop work!!!

Akpors: I'm in a big trouble!
Johnny: Why is that?
Akpors: I saw a mouse in my house!
Johnny: Oh, well, all you need to do is use
a
trap. Akpors: I don't have one. Johnny: Well
then, buy one.
Akpors: Can't afford one.
Johnny: I can give you mine if you want.
Akpors: That sounds good.
Johnny: All you need to do is just use some
cheese in order to make the mouse come
to the
trap.
Akpors: I don't have any cheese.
Johnny: Okay then, take a piece of bread and
put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
Akpors: I don't have oil.
Johnny: Well, then put only a small piece
of bread.
Akpors: I don't have bread. Johnny: Then
what the Bleep is the mouse
doing at your house?