Akpos went to Abuja to see his uncle.
He got to his
uncle’s office very early by 8am and the
secretary said
he should come back by 2pm that Oga is
not
around.
So, Akpos had to hang around till 2pm.
By 1pm, hunger
was wiring Akpos. He had not eaten
since morning and
only had N200 in his pocket. There was no
fast food around the
to eat only
hotels.
Akpos began to feel dizzy so he
decided to find a solution. He looked around
and saw a
fantastic 5 star
hotel. He
adjusted himself, cleaned his dusty
shoe, wiped his oily
face with hanky and entered the hotel with
confidence.
In d lobby, the receptionist at the front
desk said:
are u here to see somebody or
you want to
lodge? Akpos said confidently “lodging!”.
The hotel receptionist said the
cheapest
room here
is N47k per night.
Akpos: “no problem dis place is lovely,
just like the
hotel I slept at yesterday in Dubai
on my way from
United states.
Receptionist said “thank you sir“. Akpos
said:
But can I pay in hard
currency as I've
not changed my dollars?
Receptionist: No problem sir
Akpos: but first, where is your
restaurant I want to eat before I go up to
the
room.
They
showed
Akpos to the restaurant and told
the chef to treat
him well cos he was a new customer that
just
came back from US! The chef
welcomed
him and
gave him the menu. Akpos first ordered
appetiser,
2 bowls of assorted pepper soup
with a
bottle of
red spanish wine. Total cost N18k.
Next for the main meal, Akpos ordered
pounded yam, efo riro
with snail and catfish! - N15k.
Akpos
total bill was
now N33K but Akpos only had N200
They cleared his empty plate
away and
brought the bill. Akpos began to
sweat even
inside cold air conditioned room. The waiter
came twice
to the
table, Akpos waved him away
that he
was still relaxing after the heavy meal.
The staff began to suspect Akpos,
that
he didn’t
have money, they called security
and gathered
round him. Akpos looked at all of
them quietly,
then he
brought out one his phones and
used it to dial
another one in his pocket which
was on
silent. Akpos (on the phone):
Ehen, is it time?
Yes na, the bomb is still with me not yet
exploded.
…In 2 minutes?
Of course, no problem, I will detonate it
on time. I‘m
proud to be suicide bomber, and there
are many people where Iam, so the impact
will be even
better. Yes o.
Government
will have no choice but to listen to our
cause. Before
Akpos even dropped phone, the restaurant
had cleared.
As he walked out of the restaurant,
nobody was in the lobby. Even the street
was
empty!

In USA when husbands arrives from job,
"Hi honey am home"
In Britain,
"Hey sweetie am home"
In Nigeria
"have u paid the electricity bill and please boil this rice and roast the meat before it goes bad.

In USA after work she says
"Welcome honey,how's
Work then she kisses u"
In Britain,
"Welcome home my sweet husband I love u"
In Nigeria
"papa ajiri u are drunk i knew it you are coming from prostitutes house its fine.

In US when going to bed they say,
"Good night my love."
In UK,
"Sweet dreams darling."
In Nigeria
"My husband did u lock the door, windows and release bruno(the dog)"

AKPOS: I want to buy dog food.
Seller: Do you have a dog?.
AKPOS: Yes
Seller: Where is it?.
AKPOS: At home.
Seller: Sorry, i can’t sell you dog food unless i
see the dog
first, it is our policy.
The Next Day….
AKPOS: Do you have cat food?.
…
Seller: Where is your cat?.
AKPOS: It is at home.
Seller: Sorry, i can’t sell cat food for you
unless
i see the cat.
Two Days Later….
AKPOS went there holding a nylon bag.
Seller: What is in your bag?.
AKPOS: Put your hand inside first.
(The seller puts his hand inside)
Seller: It’s cold, what is it?.
AKPOS: It is my shit, i brought it as evidence
because I need toilet paper.

Akpos got a message from his girl friend on
his Birthday “Message Reads” HBD Boo…LLNP,
LYSM TTYL”…Akpos provoked and called her
phone” Kate what is meaning of HBD LLNP
and Those rubbish…Kate replied Haaa:O
Akpos dnt tell me u are dis dumb and local>:/
Oh My Gooosh;, u dnt even know the
meaning of HBD and all dat Mtchwwww. Well,
HBD Means “Happy Birthday”, LLNP means
“Long Life Nd Prospe
rity” LYSM means “Love You So Much” and;
TTYL means “Talk To You Later” dumb ass…
Akpos angrily ends the call and sent her a text
message 2mins later, *message reads* TFY…
Kate called immediately, AKpos wat is the
meaning of TFY? Akpos answered Oh u don’t
even know common TFY ,After much laugh
Akpos replied TFY means “Thunder Fire You>:

Goodluck Jonathan, David Mark, Obasanjo
and former miss world Agbani Darego are
traveling in a train. The train suddenly goes
through a tunnel and
it gets completely dark. Suddenly
there is a kissing sound and then a
slap! The train comes out of the
tunnel. David Mark and Obasanjo are sitting
there looking perplexed. Goodluck Jonathan
is
bent over holding his face, which is red
from an apparent slap. All of
them remain diplomatic and nobody says
anything. David Mark is thinking:
"These men are all crazy after
Agbani Darego". Goodluck Jonathan must
have tried to
kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper
that she slapped him. Agbani Darego is
thinking: "Goodluck Jonathan must have
moved to kiss me, and kissed Obasanjo
instead
and got slapped." Goodluck Jonathan is
thinking:
"Damn it, Obasanjo must have tried to kiss
Agbani Darego, she thought it was me and
slapped me." Obasanjo is thinking:
"If this train goes through another
tunnel, I could make another kissing sound
and slap Goodluck Jonathan again".

Goodluck Jonathan, David Mark, Obasanjo
and former miss world Agbani Darego are
traveling in a train. The train suddenly goes
through a tunnel and
it gets completely dark. Suddenly
there is a kissing sound and then a
slap! The train comes out of the
tunnel. David Mark and Obasanjo are sitting
there looking perplexed. Goodluck Jonathan
is
bent over holding his face, which is red
from an apparent slap. All of
them remain diplomatic and nobody says
anything. David Mark is thinking:
"These men are all crazy after
Agbani Darego". Goodluck Jonathan must
have tried to
kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper
that she slapped him. Agbani Darego is
thinking: "Goodluck Jonathan must have
moved to kiss me, and kissed Obasanjo
instead
and got slapped." Goodluck Jonathan is
thinking:
"Damn it, Obasanjo must have tried to kiss
Agbani Darego, she thought it was me and
slapped me." Obasanjo is thinking:
"If this train goes through another
tunnel, I could make another kissing sound
and slap Goodluck Jonathan again".

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love & want to
date this awesome girl!" Father :
"That's great son. Who is she ?" Son :
"It's Sandra, the neighbor's
daughter" ;
Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said
that. I have to tell u something son,
but you must promise not to tell your
mother. Sandra is actually your
sister. . . . .
The boy is naturally bummed out,
but a couple of months later Son :
"Daddy, I fell in love again and she is
even hotter!" Father : "That's great
son. Who is she ?" Son : "It's Angela,
the other neighbor's daughter.
Father : "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't
said that. Angela is also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the
son was so mad, he went straight to
his mother crying. Son : "Mum I am
so mad at dad! I fell in love with six
girls but I can't date any of them
because daddy is their father!
The mother hugs him affectionately
and says : "My love, you can date
whoever you want. Dont listen to him
He isn't your father".

A man went for a job interview with his wife.
The man went in first and discovered that the
preceeding questions were all the same with
his. So when he came out, he told his wife all
the answers and she crammed them.
The answers were
1.yes
2.monkey
3.Goodluck JONATHAN
4.BOKO HARAM
5.HIV
but when the woman got in, the interviewer
became interested in the woman and decided
to ask her simple questions.
He started: “madam, the man that left must be
ur husband”. She replied…”mhmm”. Then
the man started.
1. Are u single?-the woman replied “yes”.
2. Whats the name of your interviewer?
She said “monkey”
3.who would u say is the greatest terrorist in
the world?
She said “good luck jonathan”
4.who in Nigeria do u wish long life?
She said “boko haram”
5.well, thats good madam, said the man. He
asked bt what wil u give me in return, If I give
u the job? She smiled and replied “HIV”

I'm tired of this Dettol
Adverts, children
nowadays believe there
are Germs
everywhere....
My 5 yr old Nephew goes around with
a Dettol can in his
pocket.
He Sprinkles his friends
before he plays
with them.....
Sprinkles his books
before reading.....
This morning, my tea
and bread tasted
awful...I Took a few sips n bites
before I realized
my
Nephew had poured
Dettol in my
Breakfast to kill germs.... If my
nephew doesn't kill
me,who
will?

Teacher: can u see God?
AKPOS: No
Teacher: can u touch God?
AKPOS: No
Teacher: then u should
simply know dat there is no
God in heaven. stop
deceiving urself.
.
.
.
AKPOS: (clears throat) ma
can u see ur brain?
Teacher: no
AKPOS: ma can u touch ur
brain?
Teacher: no
AKPOS: then that means u
have no brain in ur head stop deceiving urself.

Weekend Phone call

Girl; hi swit ?
Boy; hi baby..where r u ?
Gal; just home watching movies.
Boy; let me come and chill with you.
Girl; Brilliant idea! By the way baby pliz bring me take away and a big coke.
Boy; junk food, coke! baby that food is not good for ur health,u know i don't want u to get sick.
Girl; ok, just get me a cake only.
Boy; Uuuu..remember i told you to
avoid stuff with much sugar, it will spoil ur teeth.
Girl; Gosh! now what will i eat, ok
pass by the butcher and get half liver we shall just cook that.
Boy; What Baby, haven't u been checking news, never trust any meat,
u may end up feeding on dog liver.
Girl; eeeeh ! ok just bring me garri and groundnut of 40 Naira.
Boy; Woow! That's my baby ,,,, am
coming with it right now!.

A man's fiancee said to him,
“Now that we are engaged, we should start
calling
each other pet names”.
He asked her,
“So what do u want to be calling me?”
She said,
“I’ll be calling u TIGER”.
“Why?” he asked.
“Coz u’re handsome, tall, charming, strong,
calculating, smart & very good in BEDmatics”.
She then asked him,
“What will u be calling me?”
The man said,
“Zebra”
The lady still smiling seductively,
“Wow, that’s lovely & sweet. Why did u choose
such a lovely name?”
“Because of ur STRETCH MARKS”

Akpos: Bar man! bring everyone drink cos
wen am drinking, i want
everyone to drink and enjoy.
(bar man obeys)
Akpos : bar man! bring everyone goat meat
cos wen am chewing, i want
everyone to chew.
(bar man obeys).
People began to chant and
celebrate him.
Akpos! Akpos!
Akpos! Akpos!
Akpos : Bar man! bring everyone their bill cos
wen am paying, i want
everyone to pay.

Akpos: Hi friend, i need your Help!

Ochuko: How can i help u?

Akpos: Please, i want to test if the BRAKE of my Car is still working .

Ochuko: How can i be of Help here?

Akpos: Please, just stay at the Front of the car while i drive towards you.

Ochuko: Ok.

After Some Minutes, OCHUKO was rushed to the hospital with Broken Legs while AKPOS
Is Now in the Police Station.

Please who is the FOOL here........Akpos Or Ochuko

Akpos was roaming about the
Lagos international airport.He
saw a wallet on
the road.he picked it up and open
it,he discovered that $5,000 is on it.
He quickly removed it and throw away the
wallet. He turn his car immediately and said
"make i
waka fast before somebody wen
no lost money go be dey claim say him lost
money" .as he was driving
home,he
tune on to wazobia fm radio.there
was a
programme on air.Akpos call the
radio station.
Akpos:hello is that wazobia fm?
Station:yes.wet in happen?
Akpos:i see $5,000 for inside
wallet today.
Station:wow! U are a good
samaritan.do
u want to come to our station?
Akpos: no.....i want u to play me
P.Square
music.....eno easy aa...oooo.baba
God na
ur handwork ......

A pilot was transporting a bunch of mad men
to a psychiatric Hospital.
The mad men were making soo much noise,
such that you could Hear from Land.
So, one of them entered the Pilot’s Cabin;
MAD MAN: Hi Pilot, Please Teach me how to fly
a plane!
PILOT: I would, but under one condition.
MADMAN: What?
PILOT: If you can get your colleagues to keep
quiet.
(5mins.. later, the plane was
very quiet!
MADMAN: Pilot, They have stopped the noise,
Can you fulfill your promise now
PILOT: Wow!! How did you get them to keep
quiet?
MADMAN: “I opened the door and asked them
to go play outside!!!
Pls, Teach me Now…

Blackberry don chop my money tire, na im I come vex yestaday sell am, come take some money buy China phone!



Now am in bigger trouble!!!



1. E go full after 3 minutes of charging.

2. The phone get TV, Touch screen, Nail cutter, Firelighter etc.

3. I fit write Text message with a toothpick sef.

4. The spelling get mistakes e.g NokLa, blackderry, i-Indecency, samswag etc.

5. When aeroplane pass e go record"One missed Call".

6. When a big truck horn; e go show"Charger connected".

7. When Chinese man pass e go show:"One Bluetooth device found".

8. When fine guy waka pass, e go show"Ur favourite food found".

9. When ugly guy waka pass, e go show,"Virus detected".



Abeg I wan sell am!

Who wan buy ooo?

Even as I dey find buyer, e dey show me for screen:"No contact found".



BBpin: 2AF19z00 Ads: for relationship tips www.

Akpos was being asked a question which
he couldn't Answer.
The question was " Which food does
Monkey like so much"
A. Sugar cane.
B. Butter.
C. Banana.
D. Yam
The conversation goes thus:
Akpos: This Question is too Hard sef. Let me
call someone.
Presenter: Who do you want to call?
Akpos: Ogaga!
Phone rings!!!!
Presenter: Hello Ogaga your Friend Akpos is
here on the hot seat, he needs your help to
win N5 million.
Ogaga: yeee!
Presenter: Akpos you have 30secs, your
time starts now.
Akpor: Ogaga!! Ogaga!! How is your family?
Your Wife nko? Ogaga, which food do you
like most?
Ogaga: Banana na.
Akpos: Are you sure?
Ogaga: am......
Akpos: Oga presenter, your card is finish,
recharge, let me call him back.
Presenter: Haha! Your time is up! Will you go
with your friend?
Akpos: yes.
Presenter: Why?
Akpos: He resembles Monkey, that is why.
After winning N5 MILLION.
Presenter: How much will you give to your
friend?
Akpos: How much kee? Monkey don't eat
money. I will give him Banana.

Akpos was being asked a question which
he couldn't Answer.
The question was " Which food does
Monkey like so much"
A. Sugar cane.
B. Butter.
C. Banana.
D. Yam
The conversation goes thus:
Akpos: This Question is too Hard sef. Let me
call someone.
Presenter: Who do you want to call?
Akpos: Ogaga!
Phone rings!!!!
Presenter: Hello Ogaga your Friend Akpos is
here on the hot seat, he needs your help to
win N5 million.
Ogaga: yeee!
Presenter: Akpos you have 30secs, your
time starts now.
Akpor: Ogaga!! Ogaga!! How is your family?
Your Wife nko? Ogaga, which food do you
like most?
Ogaga: Banana na.
Akpos: Are you sure?
Ogaga: am......
Akpos: Oga presenter, your card is finish,
recharge, let me call him back.
Presenter: Haha! Your time is up! Will you go
with your friend?
Akpos: yes.
Presenter: Why?
Akpos: He resembles Monkey, that is why.
After winning N5 MILLION.
Presenter: How much will you give to your
friend?
Akpos: How much kee? Monkey don't eat
money. I will give him Banana.

A man was traveling in his car
along Ughelli-Asaba express
road. He sited a huge bush meat hanging
on a stick and decided to buy it. He stopped
and priced;
Madam, how much is your bush meat?. The
woman replied; Oga, it is N7000. The man
exclaimed;
Haba madam, it's too cost na, how much
will u sell it last?. The woman said; Oga,
bring 6,500.
The man then said;
Ok, go and put it inside my
boot. The woman went behind the car
saying in her mind; If this man opens the
boot, i will drop the bush meat on d ground
and go
and collect my money. Immediately
the boot was open, the woman put the
bush meat on the ground and closed the
boot without putting the bush meat inside,
the man sped off without paying the
woman.
Who is Smarter?

A man checked into a hotel. There was a
computer in his room, so he decided to
send a mail to his
wife. However, he accidentally typed d
wrong email address, and without realising
he sent
the mail to a widow who has just returned
from her husband's funeral. The widow
decided to check her mail, expecting
condolence messages from relatives and
friends. After reading d first message she
fainted. The son rushed into d room, found
his mother on the floor and saw d
computer screen which read: 'To my loving
wife, i knw u are surprised to hear from me,
they have computers here and we are
allowed to send mails to loved ones. I have
just been checked in.
How are u and d kids, d place is really nice
but am lonely here. I have made necessary
arrangement 4 ur arrival 2morrow.
Expecting u darling. I cnt wait to see u.

Little Akpos was attending
his first wedding.
After the service, his
younger cousin - Okon
asked him,
"How many women can a
man marry?"
"Sixteen." Akpors
responded.
Okon was amazed that he
answered so quickly and
asked;
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," Akpors replied, "all
you have to do is add it up,
like the preacher said:
'Four better, four worse,
four richer, four poorer'.

“The thrill is gone from my marriage,” Mr
Akpos' wife told her friend.
The friend suggests, “Why not add some
intrigue to your life and have an affair?”
“But what if my Husband finds out?” asks Mr
Akpos' wife.
“Heck, this is a new age we live in, Go ahead
and tell him about it!” said her friend.
So Mr Akpos wife went home and said, “Dear,
I think an affair will bring us closer together.”
“Forget it,” said Mr Akpos,. “I’ve tried that – it
didn’t work.”

A young girl came back to Doctor and
complained,
"Doctor, last time you did
my abortion, you forgot your sharp
blade inside of me,"
Doctor "Oh I am sorry, did it hurt you?"
Girl, "No but my eight friends went
impotent, ten of them lost their fingers,
and four of them went dumb."

Two men were walking home after a party
and decided to take a shortcut through the
cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle
of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-
tap- tapping noise coming from the misty
shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an
old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping
away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow,
Mister," one of them said after catching his
breath, "You scared us half to death -- we
thought you were a ghost! What are you
doing working here so late at night?" "Those
fools!" the old man grumbled. "They
misspelled my name!"

Boss: Akpos, i dont want my daughter to be leaving dis house anymore, for her nt to get pregnant, i dont want you to let her leave dis compound.

Akpos: Sir, you know dat, ur
daughter is a very stubborn girl. What if she trys to force herself out.

Boss: Fool! Use your head.

Akpos: Ok sir.

*Boss returns from work, he couldnt find his daughter at home.

Boss: Akpos, where is my daughter?

Akpos: Sir dat ur daughter is very very stubborn, wen i remembered
dat u said i should use my head i started to nod her teeth.

Boss: Where is she?.

Akpos: She's in hospital.

A Warri tenant walked in & saw his
landlord's son trying to commit suicide. A
brief conversation ensued:
Tenant: Akpos! What are u doin?
Akpos: I am tryin to commit suicide, as my
father always complain dat my life is
worthless!
Tenant: That is not good na! But why did
you tie d rope on your waist?
Akpos: Bros, it's not easy o! I tie d rope on
my neck, I NEARLY DIE!

A married lady was going into a hotel with her boyfriend when she saw her husband coming out of that same hotel with his girlfriend. On sighting the husband, the lady immediately said, "I've catch you today, useless man, thank God I brought a witness". The man looked at her then turned to his girlfriend and said, "Sister Mercy you see what I told you? If we had left earlier as you wanted we won't have caught her here"

Mary : How was your paper
Gloria ?
Gloria : It was kind of hard;
I didn't know
the past tense of 'think'.
I thought and thought and thought
for
along time then finally
wrote'thunk'
Mary : I guess you're right
because I wrote
thunk after I thought 4 a while.. ...
Mary : Shit! And what
about the past tense
of 'write' ?
Gloria : I dont know what I
wrote; I think I wrote 'written'
Mary : That one I didn't
even bother.
When I saw the next
number asking for
the past tense of 'go', I just went
out of
the Exam Room.
Gloria : Me too, when I
reached that
number I couldn't take it
anymore. Those idiots gave us an
exam
beyond our scope.

A newly married couple brought a female house help from the village to assist in keeping their home tidy so they would have time for their careers and other more important things. One day, the husband decided to give his wife a surprise package. He molded a big heart(to represent love) with the assistance of the house help, a project which took almost the whole day. The wife came back and met the house help sleeping and snoring:

The Wife: Will you get up now! Stupid girl! What have you been doing since morning?

HOUSE HELP: Welcome Ma! Dnt be angry pls. Ur husband and i hv been makin love since morning. It's just now we finish i then decided to lie down a little.