Messi escorts a woman home for
some fun. When they arrive to her
bedroom, the woman says: ‘Make
yourself comfortable, I’ll be right
back’.
When she returns she finds Messi
and two other naked men on the
bed, and she screams: 'What the
hell is this'.
Messi answers nervously: 'I'm sorry,
but I can't perform without Xavi
and Iniesta"

Ochuko: Akpos, why are you
always on Facebook?
Akpos: I like Facebook & I'm
always there for one thing. It's the
only place where you can like
another man's wife without
getting slapped.
Ochuko: So, what about Twitter,
why are you always there too?
Akpos: Twitter is the only place
you can follow another man's wife for free!

Boss : Akpos, I saw you arguing with the
customer that just left. I have told you
before that the customer is always right. Do
you
understand me?
Akpos : (Shouts) Yes sir!, the customer is
always right.
Boss : So what were you arguing about.
Akpos : He said you are an i d i o t sir!

Akpos: Who is the biological
father to Ogaga and Ejiro?.
Wife: What sort of stupid
question is that?. You are their father.
Akpos: You better take those two kids to
their father.
Wife: Honey, why do you say that they are
not your kids?.
Akpos: Because every night when
they are about to pray before
sleeping they will say: `OUR FATHER, WHO
ART IN HEAVEN'

Dad: My Son, please buy me a soft drink.
Akpos: Coke or Pepsi?
Dad: Coke.
Akpos: Diet or regular?
Dad: Regular.
Akpos: Bottle or can?
Dad: Bottle.
Akpos: Litre or oz?
Dad: Oh my God!! What is it??!! Ok, Just buy
me water!
Akpos: Natural or Mineral?
Dad: Mineral.
Akpos: Hot or cold?
Dad(angry): I'm going to strike you with a
broom!
Akpos: Stick broom or soft broom?
Dad: Aha!!! Just get out of here!
Akpos: Now or tomorrow?
Dad: Now!
Akpos: Are you accompanying me or not?
Dad: I will kill you!
Akpos: With knife or with gun?
Dad got frustrated and fainted.

njuwo: Hahahahaha!! I just can't stop laughing. This
is the awkward Truth About some husbands.
A group of men gathered at a church
conference on how to live in a loving
relationship with their wives. The men were
asked, "How many of you love your wife ?" All
the men raised their hands. Then they were
asked, "When was the last time you told your
wife you love her ?" Some men answered
today, some yesterday, majority didn’t
remember. The men were then told to take
their cell phones and send the following text
to their respective wives: I love you,
sweetheart...
Then the men were told to exchange their
phones so one can read the other wife's reply
to the love message.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Have you impregnated someone again
2. That was then, not now
3. You wan borrow money abi?
4. What did you do again? I won’t forgive you
this time.
5. Meaning?
6. Is that a new song?
7. Am I dreaming?
8. If you don’t tell me who this message is
actually for, you will die today!
9. U dis man!! I asked you to stop drinking.
10. Abeg na who be this?

lol

A calabar girl went for a job
interview, she was giving a form
to fill in her data.
As she was filling the form, she
got to part to fill "Sex", she
paused and thought for a while
and then said to herself "If I write
everyday, they'll think I'm
spoilt..."
After thinking for a while she
said to herself "hmmm...I'll just
put twice a week"

One day Akpos was going home from
school, on his way home, he met a man and
asked him
''Excuse me sir, what's the time?''
The man replied
''It's 15 mins to 4.00pm''
Akpos continued walking and told the man
''When 4.00pm reaches, you can Kiss my
ass!''
The angered man started chasing Akpos so
that he could beat the boy up for the insult...
He ran after him for about 2mins until they
reached where a certain old man was
seated... Akpos ran to the old man and said
''Hey granny.. Look at this man... He wants
to beat me!''
The old man asked the young man who
was chasing Akpos
''.... What's the problem man?''
The young man replied
''This little brat asked me what is the time
and when I told him that it was 15 mins to
4.00pm, he told me that when 4.00pm
reaches, I should kiss his ass!''
The old man paused and looked at his
watch and told the young man
''But why are you in such hurry? You will
have to wait 7 more minutes before you
can Kiss
his ass!''

Teacher: Who is a pharmacist?
Akpos raised up his hand
Teacher: So it is only Akpos that
is the most intelligent student i
have in this class? So there is nobody else to
answer the
question except Akpos?
(There was no reply from the
students)
Teacher: Ok, now Akpos, use this
cane and flog them ten strokes of cane
each.
Akpos is full of happy and gave all the
students ten hot strokes of
cane....
Teacher: Oyaa my dear Akpos
tell this dumb students who a pharmacist
is...
Akpos: A Pharmacist is a farmer
who assist people.
The Teacher fainted.

Akpos goes off to Delta State University
Abraka.
Half way through the semester, he has
foolishly squandered all his money.
He calls his father at home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what
modern education is developing! They
actually
have a program here in Delsu that will teach
our dog, monkey-boy, how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says . "How do I
get Monkey-boy into the program?"
Akpos smiling said... "Just send him down
here with N10,000". "I'll get him into the
course dad."
So, his father sends the dog and N10,000.
About two weeks to end the semester, the
money
again runs out.
Akpos calls home again. "So how's
Monkey-boy (the dog name is monkey-boy)
doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm,"
he says,
"but you just won't believe this - they've
had such good results they have started to
teach the animals
how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father,
"No kidding! How do we
get monkey-boy in that program?"
Akpos smiling said "Just send N20,000,
I'll get him
into the class."
The money promptly arrives.
But Akpos then had a problem.
At the end of the year, his father will find
out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
So he killed the dog.
When he arrives home at the
end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's monkey-boy? I just can't wait to
see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," Akpos says, "I have bad news.
Yesterday morning, just before we wanted
to drive
home, monkey-boy was in the living room,
kicked back in
the recliner, reading Vanguard
Newspaper, like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is
your daddy still messing' around with that
woman who lives in town?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you killed that
son of a Naughty Lady before he talks to
your Mother!"

A pregnant woman boards a bus. After
taking a seat, she notices a man smiling
at her. She feels self-conscious and
changes her seat, but he seems even
more amused.
She moves a third time, and he starts to
giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out
laughing.
They both get off the bus at the next stop.
The pregnant woman is furious and
demands an explanation. "What exactly is
so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies
the giggling
man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're
pregnant, and when you first sat down,
you sat under an advertisement which
read 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.'
Then you sat under an ad that read 'Sloan's
Liniments Remove Swelling.' Then
you moved under a deodorant
advertisement which read 'William's Stick
Did the Trick.' And I just couldn't hold it in
any longer when you moved a fourth time
and sat under a tire advertisement which
read 'Dunlop Rubber Would Have
Prevented This Accident.'"

Akpos phoned police to report that thieves
had been in his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering
wheel, the brake pedal, even the
accelerator!" he cried out.
However, before the police investigation
could start, the phone rang a second time
with the same voice coming over the line.
"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got
in the back seat by mistake."
Is he drunk?

Pastor: There is a man here.

Akpos: (Shouts from the crowd) It is me.

Pastor: I repeat, there is a man here.

Akpos: (Shouts from the crowd) It
is me and my family.

Pastor: I say there is a man here.

Akpos: (Shouts from the crowd) It
is me oooooo!!!.

Pastor: They have been sucking your blood for the past ten years.

Akpos: Eh? God forbid! It is not me oooo.

A man and his wife never fought for 25yrs of their marriage.

A friend asked him how he had managed to make it possible.

He narrated,"We went for our Honeymoon in Australia 25years ago, and while riding on a
horse, my wife's horse jumped and my wife fell down. She then got up, patted the Horse's
back and said'this is your first time'.

After a while ,it happened again. She patted the horse again and said'this is your second time". The horse did it again the 3rd time, she brought out a gun and shot the horse dead.

I was so shocked and shouted at her,'Are you crazy!!? What's wrong with you!!? Why did
you kill the horse?. She gave me a grave look and said'THIS YOUR FIRST TIME".
Ever since then we have been living very happily...

A Woman was out golfing one day
when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it
and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me
from this trap, I will grant you three
wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the
frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to
your wishes. Whatever you wish for
yourself, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be
the most beautiful woman in the
world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that
this wish will also make your
husband the most handsome man in
the world, an Adonis whom women
will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because
I will be the most beautiful woman and he
will have eyes only for
me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful
woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be
the richest woman in the world. The
frog said, "That will make your
husband the richest man in the world.
And he will be ten times richer than
you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because
what's mine is his and what's
his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in
the world!
The frog then inquired about her third
wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild
heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever.
Don't mess with them. I
.
.
. .
Attention female readers : This is the
end of the joke for you. Stop here
and continue feeling good
.
. .
Male
readers, Please scroll down
.
.
. .
.
.
.
.
. .
.
.
.
.
. .
.
.
.
.
. .
The man had a heart attack ten times
milder than his wife... I
.
Moral of
the story: Women think they're really smart.
=)) Let them continue to
think that way and just enjoy the
show\=D/
.
.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading
this; it only goes to show that
women never listen!!! =))

A naija lady dat married
a chinese guy were
lucky 2 have a baby girl
after 9months of
marriage.
But after 3months d baby died
and the mother of the
nigerian lady came to
visit them,
but she was just shouting;
i knew it! i knew it!
i knew it! I knew it!
I knew it! I knew it! , And so on.
And then a man that
noticed her shouting, now
called her outside and
asked her wat she
knew and she replied; i
knew that china
product does not last!!!

Akpos: I'm in big trouble!
Ofego: What happened?
Akpos: I saw a rat in my house!
Ofego: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a
trap.
Akpos: I don't have one.
Ofego: Well then, buy one.
Akpos: Can't afford one.
Ofego: I can give you mine if you want.
Akpos: That sounds good.
Ofego: All you need to do is just put some
fish in order to make the rat come to the
trap.
Akpos: I don't have any fish.
Ofego: Okay then, take a piece of bread and
put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
Akpos: I don't have oil.
Ofego: Well, then put only a small piece of
bread.
Akpos: I don't have bread.
Ofego: Then what is the rat doing in your
house?

TEACHER: Why didn't you study?
STUDENT: A year has 365 days for you to
study. After taking away 52 Sundays, there
are only 313days left. There are 50 days in
the summer that is way too hot to work so
there are only 263 daysleft. We sleep 8
hours a day, in a year, that counts up to 122
days so now we're left with 141 days. If we
fooled around for only 1 hour
a day, 15 days are gone, so we are left with
126 days. We spend 2 hours eating
each day, 30 days are used in this way in
the year, and we are left with 96 days in
our year. We spend 1 hour a
day speaking to friends and family, that
takes away 15 days more and we are left
with 81 days. Exams and tests take up at
least 35 days in the year; hence you are
only left with 46 days. Taking off
approximately 40 days of holidays, you
are only left with 6 days. Say you are sick
fora minimum of 3 days; you're left with
3 days in the year to study! Let's say you
only go out for 2 days...You're left with 1
day. But that 1 day is your birthday.
That's why i did not study.
Teacher: Class dismissed.

Teacher: If a lion is chasing you, what would you do?

Akpos: I'd climb a tree.

Teacher: If the lion climbs a tree?

Akpos: I will jump in the lake and swim.

Teacher: If the lion also jumps in the water and swims after you?

Akpos: Teacher, are you on my SIDE or on the lion's ?

omonnakoda: An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water? demanded the Grand Emir. A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One, stammered the wretched Abdul, white man sit on well.

'
Lmfaoooooo!!!!!!!!

Old lady telling a doctor her
problem.''Docto r i
av some problem with gas.
but it really doesnt boda me 2 much.my
fart neva smells and are always silent.
as a mata of fact,i've farted at least 20
times since i've bin here in ur clinic. u didnt
know i was fartin becos they dont
smell and are silent.
DOC:''i see,take dis pills and come back 2
see me next week.''d followin week
d lady went back 2 d doctor and says:'i
dont knw wat d hell u gave me but nw my
fart stink terribly,althou gh they're still
silent.''The doctor says''Good,
nw dat we've cleared up ur nose,let's
work on ur HEARING

After church service, Akpos was
hungry.
He went to a super market and
stole a huge amount of money.
When he was caught. He was taken to the
police station.
POLICE: Young man, why did you
steal such huge amount of money?
AKPOS: officer, it is not my fault.
POLICE: What do you mean by it is
not my fault?.
AKPOS: it is our pastor's fault.
POLICE: (Shouts at Akpos): what do
you mean by it is our pastor's fault?
AKPOS: he is the one who gave me the
magic.
POLICE: which magic?.
AKPOS: In our church today, when he was
praying for the congregation. He said
everything we touch will follow us. So i just
wanted to test it in the supermarket, to my
greatest suprise it worked.

A black man and white man were seated on
plane. The black man had a bunch of
banana, while the white man had a
monkey. The black man wanted to go to
the toilet, he said to the white man "please
watch over my bananas, while am
gone".
He went, came back and found out that the
bananas were all gone. The white man
pointed at the monkey and said,
"your brother the monkey ate all of them".
The black man with a smile said nothing.
Minutes later, the white man said, "please
hold my monkey while i pee".
He came back and met the monkey dead.
He asked the black man what happened
and he replied "this is a family matter,
please stay out of it!

Akpos was once employed in a school and he went to class to teach.

The first day.
Akpos: Good morning students
Students: Good morning sir!
Akpos: I'm going to be your new teacher, do u know what we have
this morning?
Students: No sir!
Teacher: Since u don't know, there's no point of teaching u.

Akpos went and came the following day.
Akpos: Good morning students
Student: Good morning sir.
Akpos: Do u know what we have this morning? Out of fear of the previous day,
they said "yes sir".
Akpos: Since u already know,
there's no point teaching u again.

The third day.
Akpos came to class.
Akpos: Do u know what we are having this morning? Out of
confusion some said
Yes, while some said No.
Akpos: Alright then, let those
that know teach those who don't know.

njuwo: Akpos was once employed in a school and he went to class to teach.

The first day.
Akpos: Good morning students
Students: Good morning sir!
Akpos: I'm going to be your new teacher, do u know what we have
this morning?
Students: No sir!
Teacher: Since u don't know, there's no point of teaching u.

Akpos went and came the following day.
Akpos: Good morning students
Student: Good morning sir.
Akpos: Do u know what we have this morning? Out of fear of the previous day,
they said "yes sir".
Akpos: Since u already know,
there's no point teaching u again.

The third day.
Akpos came to class.
Akpos: Do u know what we are having this morning? Out of
confusion some said
Yes, while some said No.
Akpos: Alright then, let those
that know teach those who don't know.

na sack letter b dat oo.wit immedate effect.

Two Teachers were arguing in the class
and the students were watching.
Other Teachers were trooping in one after
the other.
ENGLISH TEACHER: What a pugnacious and
combatant fight teachers maneuverating
themselves in the presence of their pupils.
CHEMISTRY TEACHER: Stop this now or I'll
balance your equation with acid and base.
MATHS TEACHER: please please stop before i
divide and subtract your names from our
teachers' list.
CRS TEACHER: Oh God of Abraham, forgive
them cos they do not know what they are
doing.
ECONOMICS TEACHER: What a human
behaviour, I'll draw a scale of preference to
know who's at fault.
MUSIC TEACHER: Stop both of you lack voices
to win an argument, your phonet is
voiceless, your treble, and your alto lack
vocal sound.
HISTORY TEACHER: oh my God of century
2013 I'll compare this fight with that of Iran
and Iraq.
BIOLOGY TEACHER: What a shame between
these two species of Homo sapiens. The
knot of your Medula Oblongata is loosing i
must get a Spanner to stop this Osmosis.

A married man died before making love to his wife.

The wife then cuts his manhood embalms it and fixed it on the wall.

Each night she went to the wall to satisfy herself.

One day her neighbour found out.

Then he made a hole in d wall, removed the man's manhood and put his manhood, waiting for the lady.

The lady came with a knife, cuts his manhood and said; Darling, we are moving to a new house.

Mother: Akpos how come the baby is smelling so bad?

Akpos: Early this morning when i was bathing the baby, the water from the tank got finished, i thought and thought but
couldn't find any solution then i decided to put the baby inside the water closet(WC) and flushed the soap away from his body.

AKPOS: Mum, this our grandma is annoying, i wish she will just die.

MAMA AKPOS: Idiot! Is your Mother that will die, not mine.

Who is more stupid? Akpos or his
(biological) mother?

Man: Marry me?

Woman: Do you have a flat?

Man: No.

Woman: Do you have a maruti car?

Man: No.

Woman: How much is your salary?

Man: No salary, but,..

Woman: No but. You have nothing. How can i marry you? Leave please!

Man: (talks to himself) I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari's, 2 Porsches. Why do i still need to buy Maruti. How can i get
the salary when actually I'm the BOSS.

MORAL: Women Please be patient & listen to what guys have to say before jumping into conclusion.