Model 3 I ideal. But we should remember that marriage is about trust, respect and love.

zboyd:
Below are three financial models found in some households but there are others, depending on the couple.

Model 1.

Faith* is a working wife who has proactively argued for gender equality, insists she is entitled to have a career just like her husband but doesn't feel she should contribute financially to the household. She was raised to believe that the man is the head of household, and therefore, responsible for all the bills in the household. In spite of working full-time, she still takes care of all the housework and the needs of their two children. According to Faith*, this method justifies her decision of keeping her money in the bank, rather than contributing towards household expenditures. However, this mindset doesn't set too well with her husband who believes household expenditures should be shared, based on what each spouse makes. He thinks she's using him and he resents it. She and her husband are on the verge of separation because she refuses to budge.

Model 2.

Beatrice* takes great pride in contributing to the household. It gives her a sense of accomplishment. But she feels she should have equal say in household decisions, if a portion of her salary is going towards household expenditures. Unfortunately, her traditionally-minded husband disagrees with her. He was raised to believe that the husband is supposed to be the head of household, not the wife, therefore, the husband has the final say, when it comes to ANY decisions in the household. However, Beatrice* was raised differently. Her mother was also a working wife and shared in all the decision-making in the household with her father. So Beatrice's husband attitude is a source of constant frustration. She's even beginning to resent him. She feels his mindset is backwards and unfair and feels he doesn't respect her or her economic contributions to the household. The thought of being a single mother of two terrifies her but she feels her husband is so set in his ways that there's little hope their marriage can be saved.

Model 3.

Tamar* is a working wife who is married to a husband who believes in gender equality, except in the area of household expenditures. He doesn't expect her to contribute ANY money to the household and has never asked her. He was raised to believe that as a husband, he is responsible for paying each and every bill in the household, including those pertaining to the children, even if his wife is gainfully employed. So any money Tamar makes is her money and none of his business. If he has to take on a second or third job, to make ends meet, so be it. He doesn't tolerate any discussion of the matter. Most wives would envy Tamar's position but she is worried that her husband works too hard at times. She fears he may keel over from a stress-induced heart attack, leaving her a young widow, with three kids to raise. So she saves back most of her salary, in the event her husband becomes incapacitated and the household expenditures fall on her shoulders.

Where do you stand on this issue?

*Names have been changed.

@OP, nice post and quite relevant to the world we now live in.

the only problem i have with the post is that you have painted 3 different pictures of the wife but only one of the husband....that's putting men in a myopic box and that's unfair to the male gender. there are men who believe in the feminist ideologies and will be more than happy to support and marry a feminist. the problem with feminism in this part of the world is that most women now hide under the ideology to commit murder. they want the freedom and perks feminism brings but they dont want the responsibilities that comes with the power. the proverbial faith is a prime example of a woman who wants the freedom of feminism but doesnt want the responsibility that goes with it

the proverbial faith in your post is also a liar if she claims she takes care of the household chores and the needs of two children...no woman can work full time and do that. the househelp paid for by the husband is probably the one doing the chores and caring for the children 80% of the time because she's at work full time like the husband so claiming that as her contribution and excuse for withholding her earnings from the family is a lie

the proverbial beatrice deserves to have a say in the affairs of the family if her husband accepts her contribution to the family finances. if she's putting in 100% of her earnings just like her husband is putting in 100% of his earnings into the family purse, then she deserves to have an equitable say in the family decisions

There is no such thing as free will. Please stop giving women a bad name. If you want to marry a man that will let you keep your money while he works like a mon-key to keep you in luxury then by all means go ahead. But that man will grow to resent you. You cross your legs while he hustles to pay rent, school fees, buy you car, fuel, gen, maid, clothes, jewelry. What will you be doing with your money then?

blueAlphaGirl:
Ps stop encouraging our future husbands to be lazy...remember this is Africa,Nigeria precisely...contribution from d wives side should be a free will and not by force...

Bensondrums:
If Dey dnt contribute wat den re dey using dia money for?d woman is d neck of d family as d man is d head nd d work of d neck is to support d head.

Some wives can be a pain in the neck

MarvellousGod:
I don't stand anywhere! !!!!

I want to work and contribute to my family projects/expenses. .

AND

I must make decisions with my husband, I must have a say.. we must talk things over, he can't just decide alone.... Nobody has the final say in a marriage, decisions should be reached by both couples. ..

QED

This the best!!

Marriage is partnership but our faith and custom confers the status of head of the home on the man. I don't subcribe to a earning wife keeping her money aside because the man is the "head of the home". No partnership works like that. Maybe in the old days, it did but times have changed. Both parties must do whatever it takes to run the home successfully.

Likewise, the husband should never leave all the house chores for the wife because he is the "head of home" or take decisions without consulting her especially when such decision affects her. That is not leadership of love but tyranny. Two heads are always better than one. Even if the wife is not working and a full stay-at-home wife, she must have a say for the husband to consider fairly, achieve a workable compromise before making the final decision.

Any couple able to find this balance have a whole lot less to worry about.

A woman who refuses to share in the family expenditure is greedy and any man who takes advantage of a wife who shares in the expenditure is a lazy bum.

My wife works and keep her salary. I take care as I should as the husband and father of the house. We have gotten to know ourselves to the point that she steps in to make her own contributions by assisting in taken care of some very essential expenses from time time.

Marriage is not a competition between the wife and her husband, but rather two loving individuals who have agreed to come together to build a home. The man should understand he is responsible for the upkeep of his home, irrespective of whether his wife is working. He should not enforce it that the wife will have to contribute to the upkeep of the home. He should just focus doing his bit and take his nose off his womans purse, trust me majority of wives that are respected by their husbands need not be told, they know when to come in from time to time. It works for me.

The key thing is mutual respect. Especially as it relates to a woman, if she feels loved and respected, trust me, the man can sing Hossana.

.

cococandy:
Simple.

I detest men who don't remember you're a woman when it comes to collecting your money but will be quick to remind you you're a woman when they want to have their way.

I would like you to explain this better

Mrbrill:
abelbridge can u help me with somtin?

Like what?

MarvellousGod:
I don't stand anywhere! !!!!

I want to work and contribute to my family projects/expenses. .

AND

I must make decisions with my husband, I must have a say.. we must talk things over, he can't just decide alone.... Nobody has the final say in a marriage, decisions should be reached by both couples. ..

QED

Ahhh! See women liberation.
Dat u contribute to d upkeep of d house doesn't and will never give u an equal standing wit ur husband in d home. Your opinion can be sought on issues, but its never a standard for judgement and/or decision making. You have a say, no doubt. But its a privilege and not a right. Be guided, pls

Yomieluv:
Nice thread.

Three scenarios,different angles.

It takes two to tango,God created woman to be a helper,and not a liability to the man.

If she has the resource to help out,why not,after all,they are building same family.

Well said, couldn't agree more wit u. No wise woman wud wait 2 b begged or coaxed in2 helpin out her family financially

emusmith:
SCAM!!!

Sit in the comfort of ur parents house and type scam and whatever u want. When u face the reality of life u will know how cruel poverty can be.

yes

There is God.

As a married man I must say I find it quite laughable when the ladies here talk about partnership in marriage cos honestly there's absolutely non. Sure the wife ought to be the man's most trusted confidant, and he should be open to her opinions, BUT the final household decision is his and his alone to make. That's why he is the head of the family.

Anyway, back to the topic. Using myself as an example, both I and my wife work, BUT I take care of ALL the household bills cos it's my duty as a husband. That said, I do tell her to save up for the rainy day. You'll never know when it will come.

Let me quickly say, dia is no ryt way, dia is only a way dat works. Wateva works 4 a family, I believ they shud apply dat

MarvellousGod:
I don't stand anywhere! !!!!

I want to work and contribute to my family projects/expenses. .

AND

I must make decisions with my husband, I must have a say.. we must talk things over, he can't just decide alone.... Nobody has the final say in a marriage, decisions should be reached by both couples. ..

QED

mbok wetin b QED?

saymalcolm:
Marriage is partnership but our faith and custom confers the status of head of the home on the man. I don't subcribe to a earning wife keeping her money aside because the man is the "head of the home". No partnership works like that. Maybe in the old days, it did but times have changed. Both parties must do whatever it takes to run the home successfully.

Likewise, the husband should never leave all the house chores for the wife because he is the "head of home" or take decisions without consulting her especially when such decision affects her. That is not leadership of love but tyranny. Two heads are always better than one. Even if the wife is not working and a full stay-at-home wife, she must have a say for the husband to consider fairly, achieve a workable compromise before making the final decision.

Any couple able to find this balance have a whole lot less to worry about.

A woman who refuses to share in the family expenditure is greedy and any man who takes advantage of a wife who shares in the expenditure is a lazy bum.

Point of correction, Marriage is NOT a partnership.

Am surprised but happy to see that there are still some nigerian women who believe in 50/50, I pray you all find the men that will cherish and remain faithfull to you. Infact am 50percent such men will never cheat on you cause you are asserts and not liability. To the girl who chooses to save her money, I am 90pecent sure your husband is a serial cheat and probably has family outside(No its not a curse, its a fact). If women want men to remain faithful to them, show your man you are an assert, and he will think more than twice before cheating on you. Unfortunately most reach men will cheat unless their wives are good wealth managers, Eg Bill and mellina gates.

looking4job:



Sit in the comfort of ur parents house and type scam and whatever u want. When u face the reality of life u will know how cruel poverty can be.

Keep waiting!

yes women should, but out of willingness not compulsion

God created a man and realised that it's unethical and incomplete for a man to be alone without a helper so created a woman through that man.I.e it's still the man inside of a woman .so in any marriage a woman is help (meet) and not help mate.there sud be a compromise BTW d both parties to make a major decision at home if not the marriage Will crashed and both will regret it.

Debonair01:
It beats me a times how marriage has become so broken and everyone trying to make it scientific. I paint another scenario, one which i am very conversant with.

My dad and mum both were working, but no formulae was used for anything (per say), Granted, my dad takes care of the MAIN responsibilities, and my mum the minor ones but these roles were easily interchangeable whenever the need arose.

Pops pays our fees, gives us some upkeep money, Mums usually gives us additional money for other frivolities (clothes, shoes.. just playing around money). In them of house hold stuff, my dad would usually buy the bulk food (bags of rice, beans, yam), but my mum takes care of most additives and fruits and the likes. Some months, moms wld go out and buy the bulk foods (looking back now, she is usually very excited when ever she does, maybe because of exra money she just made or just the joy of buying them) and other times my dad comes home with the food additives. Clothings, each buy for themselves and for one another. (mums real did like buying for my my dad tho).


DECISIONS WERE ALWAYS TAKEN TOGETHER, with few exceptions where apologies are made and efforts to make it up, like my dad buying my mum a gift to apologise or my mum preparing a special delicacy

WHAT IS MY POINT

As much as it might sound quite idealistic, but if my parents could do it for almost 50yrs, any sincere couple can. Just do things sincerely for one another, contribute when you can. and this includes even house chores. it surprises me when pple talk about whose responsibility it is to do what; the answer is.. its both yours, Just do them with joy and love.

ps: i remember when my dad started a building project, and all house hold purchases went to my mum, even our fees a times. But even then, She would contribute some to the building and He some to house. There was no clear cut lines.

This is what it should be. Thanks for sharing this. There should not be a model to marriage, the two have agreed to live same life where they share every thing they have, their bodies, their lives, and whatever they will have. if both are making money, both should see to the building of family in whatever way, financially, spiritually, socially and otherwise. when the children are coming, they both have the responsibility of raising them to be better people in the society. However the God made marriage to be a responsible union. So decisions should be made with regards to the overall well being of every member of the family.

ocelot2006:



Point of correction, Marriage is NOT a partnership.

Ofcos, at least not in d real sense of dat word. But den again, dats basically how it works.
I'm open 4 u 2 tell me wat u tink it is tho

kazmanbanjoko:
.

nope, you did right.

bennyrazz:
model 2 is the best kind of model for any household and just because as a woman you are contributing to household expenses means you have now become the man of the house. No, you are not. You are just supporting and its not as if we won't let you have any say. You would have a say but the final decision is left to your husband.

You are the man!!!Bro!!

This is an interesting topic. To me, there should be NO question that a woman earning income MUST contribute it to the family.

The sad thing is that most of our traditions were formed in the olden days and the hard, harsh light of modern life should has forced us to re-evaluate many of them anew, but many people do not seem to be doing so.

Speaking for myself and my culture, in my part of Igboland, it is traditionally assumed that the man is the overall provider in the sense that in the olden days he had to provide land for the wives and children to farm "smaller" crops like cassava for making garri, etc, while he as the man farmed the "king" of crops, yam, and as such women preferred marrying men who had land to take care of large families and who were "strong" enough as finances were measured in those days (as evidenced by their yam barns).

So men with large, well fed families were respected and honoured.

Now fast forward to 2014. Wealth no longer comes from the land and from farming, but from remunerated activities by way of salaries or from business by way of profit. So as a married man, my possible wealth is no longer assessed by my farming prowess, I have to provide cash. So the old playing field on which the traditional assumption of men being the sole provider has been hit by the fact that manhood and getting a job or raising capital to start a business are no longer correlated. In those days, a woman could look at a man with a small yam barn and call him a wastrel. Can you call a man in these times who has no job or no access to raise capital to start a business a wastrel?

Secondly, take the cost of living. I live in Lagos, and have 2 children. I try to live reasonably well in a decent area (not Lekki Phase 1 level yet, Surulere, Gbagada, Anthony, etc) and have a good car, put my children in reasonably decent and affordable private schools (not Corona o), buy them health insurance, pay for the occasional outings, run and maintain a decent car, etc. At a conservative estimate, I have expenses of a minimum of 3 million naira p.a (not inclusive of hoildays, of which I have not taken any since my first child was born).

Breakdown:
Annual rent: 800k
School fees for 2 children: 280k per term (increases as they get older and go from class to class, but this is waht I'm paying for my 2 children in nursery school)
Transport (fueling 2 cars and maintaining them), electricity bills, food for the adults, baby food, diapers for the one still using them etc cost me a minimum of 120k per month (anyone running a family in Lagos is free to make input here).

So exclusive of any family outings, trips, money sent to my mother and my inlaws, or any frivolities whatever, I need to be earning a mi nimum of 360k monthly to cater for my family leaving me with no disposable income. Actually however, for me to live reasonably comfortably after making all those payments, I need to have a monthly income of about 450 to 500k to leave me with disposable income.

How many people are earning 500k a month? That is a very good salary in Naija today. I know I'm not. I earn about half that after tax and the other outgoings. Therefore i need my wife's salary to be able to cope in today's harsh economic environment. Anybody torturing themselves with outdated traditional notions of "I'm the man, I must provide ALL for my family" is simply on his way to an early grave. Get this - your masculinity is NOT tied up with how much you can earn.

The woman may contributes at her own discretion, she shouldn't be forced. My wife works I haven't feel the impact of her salary in the household expenses and I never really cared as long as she doesn't spend my money stupidly, which unfortunately she always do. I pay the house rent, school fees including the uniforms and the books, buy foodstuff were possible, even buy her hollandaise and still gives her money for house keep.
However, the issue of woman being equal to the man is not biblical(it's western), what if the man has two/or more wives? Because God never chastised or quarrel with anyone for more than one wife, he even gave David his master's wife

This is an interesting topic. To me, there should be NO question that a woman earning income MUST contribute it to the family.

The sad thing is that most of our traditions were formed in the olden days and the hard, harsh light of modern life should has forced us to re-evaluate many of them anew, but many people do not seem to be doing so.

Speaking for myself and my culture, in my part of Igboland, it is traditionally assumed that the man is the overall provider in the sense that in the olden days he had to provide land for the wives and children to farm "smaller" crops like cassava for making garri, etc, while he as the man farmed the "king" of crops, yam, and as such women preferred marrying men who had land to take care of large families and who were "strong" enough as finances were measured in those days (as evidenced by their yam barns).

So men with large, well fed families were respected and honoured.

Now fast forward to 2014. Wealth no longer comes from the land and from farming, but from remunerated activities by way of salaries or from business by way of profit. So as a married man, my possible wealth is no longer assessed by my farming prowess, I have to provide cash. So the old playing field on which the traditional assumption of men being the sole provider has been hit by the fact that manhood and getting a job or raising capital to start a business are no longer correlated. In those days, a woman could look at a man with a small yam barn and call him a wastrel. Can you call a man in these times who has no job or no access to raise capital to start a business a wastrel?

Secondly, take the cost of living. I live in Lagos, and have 2 children. I try to live reasonably well in a decent area (not Lekki Phase 1 level yet, Surulere, Gbagada, Anthony, etc) and have a good car, put my children in reasonably decent and affordable private schools (not Corona o), buy them health insurance, pay for the occasional outings, run and maintain a decent car, etc. At a conservative estimate, I have expenses of a minimum of 3 million naira p.a (not inclusive of hoildays, of which I have not taken any since my first child was born).

Breakdown:
Annual rent: 800k
School fees for 2 children: 280k per term (increases as they get older and go from class to class, but this is waht I'm paying for my 2 children in nursery school)
Transport (fueling 2 cars and maintaining them), electricity bills, food for the adults, baby food, diapers for the one still using them etc cost me a minimum of 120k per month (anyone running a family in Lagos is free to make input here).

So exclusive of any family outings, trips, money sent to my mother and my inlaws, or any frivolities whatever, I need to be earning a mi nimum of 360k monthly to cater for my family leaving me with no disposable income. Actually however, for me to live reasonably comfortably after making all those payments, I need to have a monthly income of about 450 to 500k to leave me with disposable income.

How many people are earning 500k a month? That is a very good salary in Naija today. I know I'm not. I earn about half that after tax and the other outgoings. Therefore i need my wife's salary to be able to cope in today's harsh economic environment. Anybody torturing themselves with outdated traditional notions of "I'm the man, I must provide ALL for my family" is simply on his way to an early grave. Get this - your masculinity (or the lack thereof) is NOT tied to how much you can earn.

jumzzy448:
model 3. let me work and keep my money. so if anything comes up and hubby is not readily available, i can shoulder the responsibility.

Even if stress kills him,? Smh for your kind

MarvellousGod:
I don't stand anywhere! !!!!

I want to work and contribute to my family projects/expenses. .

AND

I must make decisions with my husband, I must have a say.. we must talk things over, he can't just decide alone.... Nobody has the final say in a marriage, decisions should be reached by both couples. ..

QED

exactly! You spoke my mind. I do not belong in either 3. He truth is every relationship is different. My fiance and I both buy household stuffs, he buys and I buy too and if I see one I really like but don't have enough money for it, he adds his money to mine and we buy it. When it comes to decisions he runs every idea by me and I do same in as much as that thing concerns both of us, we decide together and reach an agreement. It works perfectly for us. In fact, most things that ends up being issues in most relationship is nothing to us cos we always find a way somhow to work thing out. Its boils down to perfect communication and respect. That comes top to us.