Dear Nairalanders,

please advise me because i am getting so confused now its crazy. I have been married for less than 3 years, i also have a 19 month old baby. My husband works in one of the good companies in Nigeria, and was recently trasnferred outside nigeria to one of the European countries. About a week to when i was to join him, i got a job offer. It was an offer i had been waiting and praying to get for about 3 years. We were overjoyed as this was just a great opportunity for me career wise and salary wise. The plan was to take the job for the first three months and then move to join him.
so i started the job. Its an awesome job. My boss is the best. After the first month, my probation appraisal is done, my boss tells me everyone is happy with my job and they are already indicating i should get promoted in the next one year instead of 3. This would mean double salary and double experience.

The problem:
My parents, my husband and all feel i am getting distracted, and have advised that i resign and come over. I have already looked and there is no chance of being transferred to the country he works in as we do not have an office there. I have begged him to allow me stay one or two years here and then join him later, but he feels that our marriage is too young to undergo such stress. I have suggested visiting every two months from each of us, and then spending leaves together etc, which he kinda accepted but reluctantly.

Its been eight months i have been working in Lagos, This morning i got an email from the Headquarters about the nomination for an early promotion. I am supposed to submit my CV and then they get the process started. I have told my husband and he said he doesnt think its a good idea. But to me the idea of resigning a good job to go and sit down somewhere and start job hunting again is not an option biko.

Salary wise, we make almost the same amount now, and one persons salary of course we can both live on, but maybe not as comfortable as we would wish.


Please i need advice, has any one done a long distance marriage? is it that risky? What are tips and advice you can give to help so that i can keep my marriage and also keep my job? I cant resign. I prayed for 3 years to get this position. I cant resign. Please i dont want to leave my job and go and sit down somewhere job hunting and starting from scratch. He cant come back to naija unless he accepts a pay cut and a demotion as his transfer came with a promotion. My company is multinational but very hard to get into. Everyday we recieve unsolicited applications for people just applying for my position incase its vacant. I can get another job if i join him defintely as i am a doctor, but its going to take time as i need to register with thier board and of course do some exams (nothing less than six months to one year) and pay will be less than one third of what i make now and a lower lower lower position for me

U see millions of people out thr jobless, dey would kill to hav ur position..... In this current economy of nigeria u want to quit ur job...my dear, u bera hold on to dat job ooo...tel ur husband to his face u aint quittn..he should quit his own too and come join u in lagos na....

Madam hold on to that your job o! But try nd convince your husband why you shld still stay on the Job. What if your husband is transferred back to Lagos/Nigeria then will you start looking for job again? Madam stay on ur job for at least 2yrs as you agreed and then spend vacations or visits with each other.

Since your hubby was transfered by his company abroad, can't he not request for a transfer back to Nigeria on family grounds? This way, he is not coming to Nigeria to sit down as opposed to you going abroad to do nothing?

On the other hand, is your line in hot demand abroad? Is your company an multinational one that will make good references abroad? So your hubby can help you apply for openings where he stays? In that case, it is better you get the promotion to increase your chances of getting another job

Looking for a win win situation because I also do not like families living apart.

Why don't you apply for a job where he is and pray you get it even if it's not as lucrative as the one you're doing now? Distance relationship is a not advisable and moreover family first .

Not enough info.

How's your hubby's Job? Is the pay enough to keep the family going till you find your feet in Europe? Can your hubby get a transfer back to Nigeria? Who earns more currently? What career are you Into? Is it one that you can get a job without much difficulty in Europe? If my memory serves me right, I remember you saying you're a Physician. If so, then it shouldn't be that difficult for you to find your feet over there. Not saying it will be easy though.

I'm not in support of permanent long distance marriage; not at this early stage. And i tell you, making that move will become more difficult overtime especially with the upcoming promotion and perks that come with the new job. So I get where your hubby and family are coming from. Something has to give and some one has to make some sacrifice at some point for the stability and overall good of the family. Selfishness or pride shouldn't have a place in marriage. And this goes to both spouses.

Anyways, whatever you do, make sure your husband is in full support. Both of you are in this together and you guys have to brainstorm on the way forward.

Good luck.

Your husband should try and be supportive now. You need the job for your career and he needs to understand that.

Give him a condition: he gets you a good job where he is first, then you resign and join him.

IMO, you've already suggested a good plan to visit each other alternately at every-two month interval. That should be fine if it's doable.

Best of luck.

You were very much alive before you got this new dream job and you will also be alive without it.
Your husband is persistent about u coming over to his end, pls obey before he gets him self a soul mate there.
Again don't forget u got a baby who needs fatherly care.
Lastly, jobs will come and go but u got only one husband.

#Peace.

Cutehector4u:
U see millions of people out thr jobless, dey would kill to hav ur position..... In this current economy of nigeria u want to quit ur job...my dear, u bera hold on to dat job ooo...tel ur husband to his face u aint quittn..he should quit his own too and come join u in lagos na....

Which one is tell her husband to his face that she aint quitting?your tone of voice suggest you have a beef with the husband.easy man easy.@op go for a holiday and sit your hubby downthats after a nice time.and you guys should talk about the issue*wen you both sit down talk its finished*dont involve a third party

This marriage thing is a big joke

Seek a divorce



Thank me later

Family is like glass,


Job is like plastic.


Whichever you think is more important to you, that's the one you should consider first.

Seriously, I like that your husband is voicing out his opinion, in some cases, the men wouldn't say anything, especially if they have something up their sleeves.

VocalWalls:
Family is like glass,


Job is like plastic.


Whichever you think is more important to you, that's the one you should consider first.

Seriously, I like that your husband is voicing out his opinion, in some cases, the men wouldn't say anything, especially if they have something up their sleeves.

and the woman don't have something up her sleeves for refusing to join her husband?

Acidosis:


and the woman don't have something up her sleeves for refusing to join her husband?

I wrote 'in some cases'

I was citing some other situations.

VocalWalls:



I wrote 'in some cases'

I was citing some other situations.

alright, noted

Acidosis:

alright, noted

Cool.

Good morning.

Madam, its obvious you don't need marriage but career. You don't even sound like a mother nor even come close to a wife.

In the years you will be working in Lagos, who cooks and look after hubby in far away Europe?

Will you also deny your kid the love and doting of a father?

You build a "home" while living with hubby but what are you building now, career?

Divorce him and seek another partner close to you while he find a willing mate that will stay close to him and be there for his family.

Nuff said#

VocalWalls:



Cool.

Good morning.

Morning Sir

AlienSPY:
Madam, its obvious you don't need marriage but career. You don't even sound like a mother nor even come close to a wife.

In the years you will be working in Lagos, who cooks and look after hubby in far away Europe?

Will you also deny your kid the love and doting of a father?

You build a "home" while living with hubby but what are you building now, career?

Divorce him and seek another partner close to you while he find a willing mate that will stay close to him and be there for his family.

Nuff said#

well said!

You want to leave your husband abroad for two years? You must be a standup comedian

Let your boss keep on playing instruments of disaster,while you keep dancing.....

You are being selfish by seeing reasons with yourself alone...

Don't just come back here with a "My husband has 4 kids outside" thread


Until feminism costs some women their life,they would not reason properly..


No matter how hard you tried to sound good in that your post,you are still an unsubmissive feminist to me....


If you are wise enough,you wouldn't compare the chances of getting a job in European countries to the situation in Nigeria....

Cutehector4u:
U see millions of people out thr jobless, dey would kill to hav ur position..... In this current economy of nigeria u want to quit ur job...my dear, u bera hold on to dat job ooo...tel ur husband to his face u aint quittn..he should quit his own too and come join u in lagos na....

I hope you will marry her when she does as you've said

Make some money b4 u join him o
u knw opotunity once lost.....

You want to leave your husband abroad for 2 years?? Are you a joker?

Odilafta:

I hope you will marry her when she does as you've said

lol i dnt like wives who r sit at home wives...dey should go out thr nd support the family also...

Ma'am, distance is not good for marriage oooooooooo. Hmm. The people above me have given tips. Its best to consider ways where no one would loose. Your hubby obviously wants you around him which is a good thing and shouldnt be ignored. Let him find something for you to do where he is before you move. Dnt worry about the pay. Sometimes what you are paid here for a month is what people are paid weekly abroad. You won't like what you willl see or hear if you prove stubborn. Please do not practise distant marriage.

Cutehector4u:
lol i dnt like wives who r sit at home wives...dey should go out thr nd support the family also...

Are you married? What rocks your boat might sink others'.

I swear when God created marriage he never envisaged this kind of crap happening today. He made marriage for companionship after seeing Adam was lonely in Eden and needed someone by his side, not some hustler who puts herself first before her family. I'm out!

You`re in a tough situation. It`s hard to leave a job you`ve been praying to get and finally have, and one you love too.

The agreement was for you to work the job for three months, then join him there, but it`s now 8 months later. I understand it was hard for you to leave the job, considering the profession you`re in, but it seems you just LOOOOVE this job and don`t want to leave and I get it : ). You`ve said you can`t resign (twice) and that leaving your job is not an option. Right now you want to continue working the job for another year or two. If it`s hard for you to leave now, it`s going to be even harder to leave in a year or two from now and start over where he is, then.

Since your husband and baby are in this equation, your decision is going to impact them too, perhaps much more than you realize. I know you`ve suggested visiting every two months and on leaves, but would that be enough to prevent him from seeing someone else? The fact that he wants you there means he misses and needs you. He needs emotional and most definitely physical intimacy. You can`t expect him to be coming home to an empty house every day, eating and sleeping alone. The man is going to be bombarded with loneliness. He`s not going to ask for your permission before he finds himself another woman there; someone who`s readily available to him, but just know that it`s only a matter of time before he does.

It`s either you leave now to reunite with him, then start the process of practicing there (doing the exams, extra courses, etc) so that in a year or two you would be working a decent job there. I know you`re worried about earning less than you are now and working a lower position. You do have to start from somewhere, especially if you`re coming from another country as a medical practitioner. It just depends on which is more important to you, but you have already made up your mind.

Yields:

Since your husband and baby are in this equation, your decision is going to impact them too, perhaps much more than you realize. I know you`ve suggested visiting every two months and on leaves, but would that be enough to prevent him from seeing someone else? The fact that he wants you there means he misses and needs you. He needs emotional and most definitely physical intimacy. You can`t expect him to be coming home to an empty house every day, eating and sleeping alone. The man is going to be bombarded with loneliness. He`s not going to ask for your permission before he finds himself another woman there; someone who`s readily available to him, but just know that it`s only a matter of time before he does.

y'all are making it seem as if the man is the only one that will suffer loneliness and may be decide to hook up with another woman..how about her?..I thought women are the ones that needs attention so much?..if the man can go that length,then she can also do same by getting herself a secret lover while they'll be decieving themselves and lieing to eachother..its just a matter of time,she'll start looking out for a man that will be there when she needs it..she's a human being too..distant marriage is a fake one!!

agohmamuda:
You were very much alive before you got this new dream job and you will also be alive without it.
Your husband is persistent about u coming over to his end, pls obey before he gets him self a soul mate there.
Again don't forget u got a baby who needs fatherly care.
Lastly, jobs will come and go but u got only one husband.

#Peace.

Rubbish!

Emaprince:
y'all are making it seem as if the man is the only one that will suffer loneliness and may be decide to hook up with another woman..how about her?.I thought women are the ones that needs attention so much?..if the man can go that length,then she can also do same by getting herself a secret lover while they'll be decieving themselves and lieing to eachother..its just a matter of time,she'll start looking out for a man that will be there when she needs it..she's a human being too..distant marriage is a fake one!!

If she is so adamant about not leaving, then perhaps loneliness might not be a huge issue for her. Should it be, she can also have an affair with another man in Nigeria, so both of them have that option of being deceitful to each other, while calling each other husband and wife. Keep in mind that she has her baby with her, he doesn`t. Her family is also there in Nigeria, so she has more loved ones close-by, he doesn`t.

Emaprince:
y'all are making it seem as if the man is the only one that will suffer loneliness and may be decide to hook up with another woman..how about her?..I thought women are the ones that needs attention so much?..if the man can go that length,then she can also do same by getting herself a secret lover while they'll be decieving themselves and lieing to eachother..its just a matter of time,she'll start looking out for a man that will be there when she needs it..she's a human being too..distant marriage is a fake one!!

Please ask her. I just don't understand such statements! Being around doesn't stop a cheater from cheating either so it doesn't make sense. I don't understand how is it that it is only marriage that one cannot hold themselves. I know for sure those who are single don't just go phucking around just because they are hor.ny. Is it that na when person get married na that time women go dey start to dey flock like fly on shyt? I just don't understand.