₦airaland Forum

By Peculiar Okafor

Divorce can be defined as the legal dissolution of a marriage by a court or another competent body. In lay terms, it could mean the end of a marriage. Husband and wife saying, ‘I no do again’ meaning that both parties can no longer live together; hence both have a hand no matter how little in whatever caused the separation (though in this part of the world, one party usually takes the blame).

There has been a lot of outrage about the growing rate of divorce in the nation but despite this outrage, there are people who say Nigeria might need more divorces. This write-up will argue for and against the proponents of this school of thought.

Those for the motion of the topic bring forth the following points:

It forces people to respect their partners
These people argue that partners, especially males, treat their significant others better during the dating phase because they are afraid of losing them. They usually bring out their worst behaviours in marriage because they are almost confident of not losing their partners.
So if divorce were acceptable, the fear of divorce ‘might’ force them to treat their spouses better. Emphasis on the word ‘might’.

It teaches the next generation that having a partner takes more than a ring
It is not good for anyone to be alone. Companionship and love are their own rewards; and if we are all honest with ourselves, having that one person that pledges to go through thick and thin with us does make the journey of life more exciting. (If that one person is the right partner). However, some people have taken this as a reason to maltreat their God-given significant other and these people are told to endure because ‘marriage is like that’ ‘ a lot of people are praying to be married.’ People, therefore, believe that if there are more divorces then people would come to realize that it takes more than giving someone a ring to keep that person in your life. Hence the future generation won’t see marriage as a do-or-die affair.

Some people have been known to do better at the demise of a spouse
Stories abound of people who seemed to have found their place after loosing their partners. Maybe because they were now ‘free’ to be ‘themselves’ as their partners held them down. The Argument therefore is that maybe if more people worked out marriages holding them down, the world would get to benefit from a lot of untapped potentials.

Children (especially of a particular gender) do not get to see ill treatment as ‘normal’
If more people left their marriages because they were treated wrongly. i.e, being beaten, lied to, cheated on indiscriminately, etc. this would send a message to the next generation ‘such behavior will get your a** kicked out’.

God permits divorce on grounds of unfaithfulness
This point seeks to pacify the religious folks. One could also argue further that bitterness, anger and hatred which are the results of staying in a pointless marriage are STILL SINS in the sight of God.

Those against the notion put forth the following arguments:

It hurts the children involved
They argue that children need a home with the presence of both the father and mother to grow up into well-adjusted individuals as this was nature’s original intention.

It is against our cultural and religious beliefs
Most people argue that God is against divorce and that in our culture before the advent of westernization, marriages worked.

If people were less selfish, more tolerant and forgiving, there would be be fewer divorces
This puts forth the argument that if you want to get married ‘i ga edibezinu’. Afterall, that’s the only way this love thing can work.

All men (and women) are the same
Presumably, members of each gender have the same sets of bad behaviours,hence there is no need to keep walking out on marriages knowing fully well that you might encounter these with others.

After considering the arguments of both sides, these are my submissions. In making my submissions, please let me state the following disclaimers;

1. I am no marriage expert (to be honest, I am not even married) neither do I have any marriage or counselling experience.

2. I am not an old, bitter, angry hag; I’m in my mid-twenties and really love my life.

3. I was raised in an extremely happy home and believe in the institution of marriage; My parents’ marriage was the kind you see on romantic sitcoms and my father was no sissy. He was a successful Igbo businessman who loved his wife and family and earned their respect out of love. We lost him 2 years ago, and there was no hidden child, family or mistress; everyone had one thing to say about him; ‘He loved God, his wife, family and people around ( and he loved these groups in the order stated’. He was an epitome of a good man and growing up has made me realize how fortunate I was to be his daughter. As per my mother, she gives the woman described in Proverbs 31 a face. Who can find a virtuous woman? I’ve found her and she is my mother.

So, on to my submissions.

We need to respect God, Karma or whatever force rules this world
I’m not talking going to your places of worship once every week and spending other times acting like the devil. I’m talking about acting in a way that says ‘I won’t do this, because I respect and honor God’. It’s that simple.

We all need to know our worth
Human beings are priceless as most religions believe that we are made in the image of God. Hence we should value ourselves and set standards of how we want to be treated and not allow ourselves be treated lower than we deserve.

We all need to value the other person
Live by the golden rule and treat people like the ‘image of God’ that they are. Refuse to allow any one be maltreated and if you meet a person with a low sense of self worth, refuse to allow the person stay that way. Hold those around you in high esteem and watch them rise to the value you place on them.

We need to learn to be whole and complete in ourselves before getting a partner
Marriages/relationships involve a lot and wholeness is required to succeed. Ever heard the term ‘Don’t shop when you’re hungry?’ In choosing a partner, you have to have truly discovered your authentic self and made peace with it before getting married. Note that being an authentic human being also involves acknowledging the need for companionship. No need for this superman/superwoman syndrome.

We need to celebrate the good and condemn wrong
This trend of sucking up and meaningless flattery is just wrong. If a man treats his spouse wrong, then successful or not, he should be called out. We shouldn’t go making excuses like ‘he’s a successful man, women are the ones throwing themselves at him’. We should condemn wrong. The same applies to good behavior, we should extol people for treating their spouses with dignity.Note that the next generation is watching and in condoning or excusing wrong, we give our seal of approval.

We need to teach our children the right values
Enduring and old-fashioned values like respect, contentment, prudence, honesty, humility, equality of the sexes in the sight of God, a heart of service and the fear of God are values we should painstakingly instill in our children. These ‘owo ni koko’ and ‘packaging l’omo’ ideologies might be our own undoing.

Let me conclude by saying that I believe that marriage is a beautiful institution created by God but it is not a do-or-die affair. Rather than argue whether or not there should be divorces, we should spend time teaching our kids respect for God, themselves and their neighbors while instilling a strong sense of self worth and enduring values. If we did these, then the divorce arguments might never arise because everyone will be happy doing what’s right.

http://www.bellanaija.com/2015/02/06/peculiar-okafor-nigeria-might-need-more-divorces/

I hope you are convinced.

divorce is a necessary evil

I totally agree with the author's personal opinion

Let me conclude by saying that I believe that marriage is a beautiful institution created by God but it is not a do-or-die affair. Rather than argue whether or not there should be divorces, we should spend time teaching our kids respect for God, themselves and their neighbors while instilling a strong sense of self worth and enduring values. If we did these, then the divorce arguments might never arise because everyone will be happy doing what’s right.

I concur

.

I quite understand the point the writer is passing across here and agree to some extent with some of her points .......

But, I kinder ask myself..... What is the different things, attitude and responsibility did our mothers did to have make their marriages work during their own time and sustained it till today that our women of today are finding it difficult to do.

Is it that our mothers were quite obedient
Is it that our mothers were understanding
Is it that our mothers were patience enough
Is it that our mothers were religious

Because the rate of ddivorce today is alarming

And if eventually Nigeria does have more divorces, will that make the institution of marriage better and more respectable?

dre11:
By Peculiar Okafor







I hope you are convinced.

This is a great write-up I hope the women are wise enough to get out of an abusive marriage.

crackhaus:
And if eventually Nigeria does have more divorces, will that make the institution of marriage better and more respectable?

Without divorce self....... As the institution of marriage improve self


It all boils down to the persons, personality, purpose and reasons why they are getting married and want to spend the rest of their lives together

Why emphasis on the mothers?.

Did they marry themselves?
Why does it have to be only the attitude of the mothers that make or break the marriage.

Can the attitude of the father not also cause the marriage to stand or dissolve? Or don't you think fathers have responsibilities to be of good conduct too?

It takes two to tango sis/bro.

Islie:
I quite understand the point the writer is passing across here and agree to some extent with some of her points .......

But, I kinder ask myself..... What is the different things, attitude and responsibility did our mothers did to have make their marriages work during their own time and sustained it till today that our women of today are finding it difficult to do.

Is it that our mothers were quite obedient
Is it that our mothers were understanding
Is it that our mothers were patience enough
Is it that our mothers were religious

Because the rate of ddivorce today is alarming

Islie:
I quite understand the point the writer is passing across here and agree to some extent with some of her points .......

But, I kinder ask myself..... What is the different things, attitude and responsibility did our mothers did to have make their marriages work during their own time and sustained it till today that our women of today are finding it difficult to do.

Is it that our mothers were quite obedient
Is it that our mothers were understanding
Is it that our mothers were patience enough
Is it that our mothers were religious

Because the rate of ddivorce today is alarming

Our mothers were managing and had no where else to go. Girls of these generation can comfortably build their own houses.

cococandy:
Why emphasis on the mothers?.

Did they marry themselves?
Why does it have to be only the attitude of the mothers that make or break the marriage.

Can the attitude of the father not also cause the marriage to stand or dissolve? Or don't you think fathers have responsibilities to be of good conduct too?

It takes two to tango sis/bro.

The men changed....... But its small compared to the changes from the women side
I read a thread here that spoke about why husband abroad tends to kill their wiffy and I was awe by the changes that their wives had just within some months that they had reached the foreign land.....

The changes is noticeable among the ladies and if the man sees this..... He will give a negative vibe because he see the person he married not to be the same person he is seeing now

ireneidiva:
Our mothers were managing and had no where else to go. Girls of these generation can comfortably build their own houses.

Who says our mothers aren't building houses
My mother and grandmother did build houses and that doesn't in any way affect their household or marriage

The ladies of today are egoistic,
They want to be the head
They want to have much powers
They want to control their men


And their can't be two captain to an aircraft or two drivers to drive a car...

Islie:
The men changed....... But its small compared to the changes from the women side
I read a thread here that spoke about why husband abroad tends to kill their wiffy and I was awe by the changes that their wives had just within some months that they had reached the foreign land.....

The changes is noticeable among the ladies and if the man sees this..... He will give a negative vibe because he see the person he married not to be the same person he is seeing now

ok I get you. It is the women's fault because they change. The men don't. As usual.

cococandy:
ok I get you. It is the women's fault because they change. The men don't. As usual.

are you not tired of beating a dead horse. Arguing with deaf and blind people over the same thing over and over again no dey taya you

SAMBARRY:
are you not tired of beating a dead horse. Arguing with deaf and blind people over the same thing over and over again no dey taya you

lol I already gave up. Totally agreed with him

SAMBARRY:
are you not tired of beating a dead horse. Arguing with deaf and blind people over the same thing over and over again no dey taya you

God didn't institute any marriage. Make people take am sufri dey lie against God na. Him go vex once day oO...

cococandy:
lol I already gave up. Totally agreed with him

I admire your patience. Don't change it. Maybe you can save a soul or two.

Marriage is not do-or-die affair, divorce if necessary.

tintingz:
Marriage is not do-or-die affair, divorce if necessary.

It is for Christians. Infidelity is one of the few, if not the only reason in which divorce is justified.

Islie:
I quite understand the point the writer is passing across here and agree to some extent with some of her points .......

But, I kinder ask myself..... What is the different things, attitude and responsibility did our mothers did to have make their marriages work during their own time and sustained it till today that our women of today are finding it difficult to do.

Is it that our mothers were quite obedient
Is it that our mothers were understanding
Is it that our mothers were patience enough
Is it that our mothers were religious

Because the rate of divorce today is alarming

To me, I think it is because of the gradual distortion of gender roles.

I mean back then, males complemented females and vice versa. like two electrons, one with a spin up and the other with a spin down. Sharing the same space is always going to be easy because for one, they complement each other and also they need each other.

If you left your wife, you know what you were going to miss (in terms of the roles she was playing in the/your family). Same for the woman.

But these days people just get married for marriage sake. Women don't complement men no more and vice versa. We base our marriages on the every fleeting feeling we termed as love or on the beautiful/handsome idea which comes always with an expiration date.

I mean, these days, what do you need a woman for?(other than sex)
What does a woman need a man for?

Y'all go to work 9 - 6. When you both come back it's straight to bed, no bonding via the wife's cooking. No sense of excitement in coming back to meet your wife, because there's nothing tangible to be excited about.

she comes back from work and transfers aggression gotten from her place of work to an already tired you. And you begin to ponder on smacking her across the room or just walking out. Using the electron analogy, it's almost like two electrons both spin up sharing the same space (because you both are playing the same role), they are always bound to obey Pauli's exclusion principle (divorce in the case of real human).

My point is, these days, our all wise and all knowing generation has managed to smash out so many 'moral' codes that has held humanity for ages *in a sense* Without thinking of the consequences what so ever. Men don't need women and women do not need men in this era we live. You might as well marry you fellow (same sex) friend if you need a wife cause you both would be playing the same roles.

Islie:
I quite understand the point the writer is passing across here and agree to some extent with some of her points .......

But, I kinder ask myself..... What is the different things, attitude and responsibility did our mothers did to have make their marriages work during their own time and sustained it till today that our women of today are finding it difficult to do.

Is it that our mothers were quite obedient
Is it that our mothers were understanding
Is it that our mothers were patience enough
Is it that our mothers were religious

Because the rate of ddivorce today is alarming

From your write up it seems that it takes only one person to make a marriage work.

Afrobasic:
To me, I think it is because of the gradual distortion of gender roles.

I mean back then, males complemented females and vice versa. like two electrons, one with a spin up and the other with a spin down. Sharing the same space is always going to be easy because for one, they complement each other and also they need each other.

If you left your wife, you know what you were going to miss (in terms of the roles she was playing in the/your family). Same for the woman.

But these days people just get married for marriage sake. Women don't complement men no more and vice versa. We base our marriages on the every fleeting feeling we termed as love or on the beautiful/handsome idea which comes always with an expiration date.

I mean, these days, what do you need a woman for?(other than sex)
What does a woman need a man for?

Y'all go to work 9 - 6. When you both come back it's straight to bed, no bonding via the wife's cooking. No sense of excitement in coming back to meet your wife, because there's nothing tangible to be excited about.

she comes back from work and transfers aggression gotten from her place of work to an already tired you. And you begin to ponder on smacking her across the room or just walking out. Using the electron analogy, it's almost like two electrons both spin up sharing the same space (because you both are playing the same role), they are always bound to obey Pauli's exclusion principle (divorce in the case of real human).

My point is, these days, our all wise and all knowing generation has managed to smash out so many 'moral' codes that has held humanity for ages *in a sense* Without thinking of the consequences what so ever. Men don't need women and women do not need men in this era we live. You might as well marry you fellow (same sex) friend if you need a wife cause you both would be playing the same roles.

Do you think everything was better back in the day? Do you think that people were happier and had better lives?

And what solution do you suggest?

carefreewannabe:
Do you think everything was better back in the day? Do you think that people were happier and had better lives?

No I do not think EVERYTHING was better, sure they had ups and downs. But they sorted it out because they realized that they actually need each other. And of course I do think they were happier and lived better lives. At least my grand parents were married till their deaths (both sets). And I'm pretty sure yours too still are/were married (or am I wrong?). That cannot be said for this generation. Most of our grand children would have separated grand parents for sure.

I know of a 43 year old rich lady. Who has been divorced twice. One would expect her to be extremely happy after the divorces (at least she's independent) But her bitterness knows no bounds. Freedom does not necessarily translate to happiness. (Ask Nigeria )

And what solution do you suggest?

Gender roles are getting smashed all over and I don't think they're ever going to come back. If anything, I'll suggest everyone gets married to someone that complements them in another way. Still vague but that's the only thing you I can come up with for now.

Afrobasic:
No I do not think EVERYTHING was better, sure they had ups and downs. But they sorted it out because they realized that they actually need each other. And of course I do think they were happier and lived better lives. At least my grand parents were married till their deaths (both sets). And I'm pretty sure yours too still are/were married (or am I wrong?). That cannot be said for this generation. Most of our grand children would have separated grand parents for sure.

I know of a 43 year old rich lady. Who has been divorced twice. One would expect her to be extremely happy after the divorces (at least she's independent) But her bitterness knows no bounds. Freedom does not necessarily translate to happiness. (Ask Nigeria )

My grandparents have been married for a very looooooong time now.

Yet, my grandmother will tell me to count myself lucky that I have more freedom and independence than her generation; not because my grandpa was a bad husband or her marriage unhappy, but because of all that she has seen in her life and how depressing and devastating the marriage institution became for some people.

Neither my mum nor my grandmother, who have had a long lasting marriage, would want me to live the lives many women of their generation lived.

Gender roles are getting smashed all over and I don't think they're ever going to come back. If anything, I'll suggest everyone gets married to someone that complements them in another way. Still vague but that's the only thing you I can come up with for now.

To be honest, I am so happy that gender roles have become more flexible.
When I think of what I would have missed if I followed the traditional route, I feel that it is a depressing thought.

I would have been trained to be a mother and housewife and my life would revolve around cooking and house chores. What a boring life.

The way I was brought up, I was lucky to enjoy education, primary, secondary and tertiary. I was lucky enough to travel and study in different countries, learn about different cultures, meet interesting people and develop mentally.

I now have a job that I love, that fulfills me and that gives me the feeling that I am able to make a difference every day by helping people.

I am interested in politics, economics, sociology, music, different cultures, literature and able to understand the complexities of life.

I still cook and do my house chores but there is more to my life than that and I would never change with any woman who used to live in the past just because it would reduce the divorce rate.

I see the advantages of the progress we have made instead of focusing on the disadvantages.

I can imagine that the divorce rate equals the number of unhappy marriages in the past, the only difference is that people are not trapped in these marriages any longer, which, for me, is a good thing because I wouldn't want to sacrifice my precious life on an unhappy and unhealthy union.

carefreewannabe:
My grandparents have been married for a very looooooong time now.

Yet, my grandmother will tell me to count myself lucky that I have more freedom and independence than her generation; not because my grandpa was a bad husband or her marriage unhappy, but because of all that she has seen in her life and how depressing and devastating the marriage institution became for some people.

Neither my mum nor my grandmother, who have had a long lasting marriage, would want me to live the lives many women of their generation lived.




To be honest, I am so happy that gender roles have become more flexible.
When I think of what I would have missed if I followed the traditional route, I feel that it is a depressing thought.

I would have been trained to be a mother and housewife and my life would revolve around cooking and house chores. What a boring life.

The way I was brought up, I was lucky to enjoy education, primary, secondary and tertiary. I was lucky enough to travel and study in different countries, learn about different cultures, meet interesting people and develop mentally.

I now have a job that I love, that fulfills me and that gives me the feeling that I am able to make a difference every day by helping people.

I am interested in politics, economics, sociology, music, different cultures, literature and able to understand the complexities of life.

I still cook and do my house chores but there is more to my life than that and I would never change with any woman who used to live in the past just because it would reduce the divorce rate.

I see the advantages of the progress we have made instead of focusing on the disadvantages.

I can imagine that the divorce rate equals the number of unhappy marriages in the past, the only difference is that people are not trapped in these marriages any longer, which, for me, is a good thing because I wouldn't want to sacrifice my precious life on an unhappy and unhealthy union.

Well... good for you

Again, to me gender roles in marriage doesn't mean woman-slave-man-king relationship (or vice versa). It's all about complimenting each other. More of a woman-queen-man-king relationship.

The man and woman should have roles to play in the family, one that both finds complimentary for the marriage to last. If both male and female play the same roles, the marriage is doomed for failure.

Unhappy marriages in the past were a result of poor role play from either party.

Islie:
I quite understand the point the writer is passing across here and agree to some extent with some of her points .......

But, I kinder ask myself..... What is the different things, attitude and responsibility did our mothers did to have make their marriages work during their own time and sustained it till today that our women of today are finding it difficult to do.

Is it that our mothers were quite obedient
Is it that our mothers were understanding
Is it that our mothers were patience enough
Is it that our mothers were religious

Because the rate of ddivorce today is alarming

Yea, in the past, women were raised and trained to endure/tolerate whatever suffering they encounter in their marital homes (and which includes suffering inflicted on them by their spouses in such marriage). However, with the advent of civilization, more women are now enlightened enough to know their rights & the various ways of protecting/defending these rights of theirs.

Theoritically, the write-up makes alot of sense. But putting it into practice is actually where the problem lies.

Afrobasic:
Well... good for you

Again, to me gender roles in marriage doesn't mean woman-slave-man-king relationship (or vice versa). It's all about complimenting each other. More of a woman-queen-man-king relationship.

The man and woman should have roles to play in the family, one that both finds complimentary for the marriage to last. If both male and female play the same roles, the marriage is doomed for failure.

Unhappy marriages in the past were a result of poor role play from either party.

What roles should men and women play?

@bold

Who told you so?

carefreewannabe:
What roles should men and women play?

@bold

Who told you so?

1) Tempted to say complimentary roles
On a more serious note roles to be played are roles that help the bonding between husband and wife become stronger. Okay, consider the scenario of an expectant couple. During this period, the man is expected to be there for his wife. Not on a business trip or vacation far far away. This is a perfect example of a 21st century male gender role in marriage.so many other scenario which do not come to mind right now could also be counted as gender roles.

2)The high rate of divorce in the west tells me so.
Working females and working males barely have time for each other.

Afrobasic:
1) Tempted to say complimentary roles
On a more serious note roles to be played are roles that help the bonding between husband and wife become stronger. Okay, consider the scenario of an expectant couple. During this period, the man is expected to be there for his wife. Not on a business trip or vacation far far away. This is a perfect example of a 21st century male gender role in marriage.so many other scenario which do not come to mind right now could also be counted as gender roles.

That's it? No more? Very vague.

2)The high rate of divorce in the west tells me so.
Working females and working males barely have time for each other.

And the high rate of unhappy marriages in Africa tells you what?