₦airaland Forum

harveyspec:
I'm in a fix kind off

I'm 28, she is 23, she is my first, we are clocking 1yr6months. I have gone to see her father, not to declare my intentions per say but based on invitation, he wanted to know the man dating his daughter. His questions bothered on my job & my family

We haven't had sex but there has been romance. The thing is I'm tired of the relationship.
Am I bored? No
Have I found someone else? No
Do I love her? Yes
Is our communication level good? Yes & no

Why the burnout?
I really poured in my best into the relationship, wanting to know about her, showing care & love in every aspect of her life (academics,finance,siblings, spiritual, physical etc)

Now that I'm tired, some things I had previously ignored, seems a
Big deal to me & also there is this psychological feeling of she is my first, try someone else too


I taught her something about open lines of communication, so when there is an issue we talk about it but it seems she kind of took advantage of it, knowing fully well that I will want to play by such rule. Gradually I began to feel cheated, seeing all the effort I put in & not seeing her's up to a commensurate level.

There was a time I told her I wasn't doing to put in any effort & that it was her time to work, but that yielded no result.

In this 1yr6months, I have called off the relationship on 4 counts, on all counts she cried & pleaded, because I loved her & also the fear of her hurting herself, I find myself rescinding my decision.

What I resolved to do was next occurrence, I won't call it off but withdraw gradually, well it happened again, I withdrew but it was abrupt & we haven't spoken for 2weeks now

She has tried everything & I haven't bulged & don't plan to.

I have resolved that the next relationship, I won't put in 100%, but unleash them in increasing level slowly to prevent this kind of burnout(I'll give myself time before I start the next one, my plan is to make friends:no strings attached)

Herein lies my concern

1. Where do I start from( this was my first relationship, I don't know how to flirt or chase after girls, dont even have them as friends per say)

2. Will I find someone better, folks have been drumming it in my ears that the devil you know.....

3. Hope I ain't making a mistake

Finally, I have my own faults, one being am very principled & whenever there was an issue, she always took the reconciliation step.

Thanks

Cc:babyosisi, cococandy, freecocoa

Preprof:
As it stands our families are aware of our relationship and we are working towards getting married. That is why I changed my church.

carefreewannabe:
I am quite shocked that she is blackmailing you into staying with her by telling you that she will hurt herself if you leave. She needs t grow up and you need to leave. This is the only way for you two to keep your sanity.

amareto:
I don't get this though. Did someone force you to post your story here?

FOREXMART:
Preach!!!!!!!!!!, Word, hard truth. (got banned, this is my alternate moniker). There are four phases in the life of most ladies.
1 Shakara phase (18-24 years). Here the lady just wants to have fun and not ready to take any man serious. I find it very hard to flow with these age brackets cos when ur talking future and something serious they busy talking kim kardashian and telemundo.

2. I think i know what I want (25-29]. Here she is testing the waters but not ready to bear any man's name, just switching guys like she on the freeway switching lanes. Only few escape from these phase of utter dilemma into marriage.

3 werey phase aka "put a ring on it right now am behind schedule"(30-34). Here her body is speaking, she's vulnerable to the bad azz players cos she desperate and her mates are on the second or third issue. At this point u see em join ministries in church where they can be noticed like choir, ushering and greeters department for advertisement.

4 Oh lord have Mercy/I don't need any damn man (35-............). Self explanatory, soup don sour so they on clearance sales,80%offf, at this point even if a he goat purposes she will accept.

God bless the wise sisters who got their eureka moment in the second phase and may God grant the heart desires of sisters in the third phase.

sweetbaby22:
Not really, No marriage is all sweet. There are good times, bad times, sweet times, in between times. There are challenges all the time good and bad. It takes a lot of patient to manage a marriage. Good times don't last, neither do bad times. You just have to stand the test of time. I tell you even marriage of 50 years break up (very strange) but it happens.

So perseverance is the key. To be able to bear each other and over look a lot of things. A woman that stands with her husband whether he cheated or not is a strong woman and the marriage will last for eternity (e.g David Beckham & Victoria Beckham).

These days divorce have spoilt relationships, what happened to for better for worse, till death do us part. People go into marriage with the mentality that if he just misbehave or cheat I am so divorcing ASAP. Its crazy how divorce is more now, no one wants to stand the test of time. Same applies to men, that just cant stick to one woman. But if they put you in their house as wife, then you are the ultimate. If he cheats he will come back. when he comes home and you aggravate the issue by nagging and not giving him breathing space. Then he goes out for good.

In such situation comfort him, make him feel bad for what he is doing cleverly. Do not call the lady, else you are defeated. Claim your husband by showing him more love than ever and then cleverly bring the issue up, if it get tensed change the topic but don't relent. Bring it up another time until it sinks in, prevent massive quarrels.

Marriage is an institution you can never graduate from, we pray for a blissful one, IJN. AMEN!!!!!

analar:
ama kip learning frm you all!

in my little experience! i gv counsel to ppl bt ds gat me disturbed! still on d matter hw to help a lady frnd who is in a serious rtnship in which both family are aware bt recently she z bin twisted in her tots abt her love 4 bf nw whom dy hv bin dating 4 2yrs nw! ..


...@ her place of work, she hz ds colleague whom she report to directly! for mnts nw dy hv grow fond of eachother she understands him& dy talk all tinz openly! a mnt ago! he openly confess his love to her! & saying he has bin keeping it 4 over 5mnts! n wz afraid to tell her cos she may tink he wants to get @ her pants!
bt , he sincere wants her& to build a rtnship into marriage!.....ds he keeps on telling her! 2weeks ago! she went to his place to pick up a impt ditto dy nided to work wit....n according to her! he couldnt ctrl himself...n a kissed&caressed her! wanting a little romance&begging 4 her approval to date!....bt she talkd him out! reminding him dt he z aware she has sum1 she z engaged to!....


...nw...4 d lady! she has sum1 she hz bin dating 4 2yrs old rtnship she wouldnt want to brk his hrt/ d family!....bt
on a 2nd tot she also hv feelings 4 her collegue who she said is nice, taller& a goodkisser compared to her bf. who is @same height wit her
...d only fear she has z her collegue z a sabath &she a Redeemite!....


...my own headache nw....
...her colleague she says knows her bf& well aware dy r dating! bt stil profess his love to her!...

why wud some men just want other ppl cake!...n also, wetin she go do...

...i told her to cut off ties wit d colleagues...bt it kinda affecting their work activities!..
...

...i gv it to d older counsellors o!

sweetbaby22:
Cheating isn't something we anticipate in our relationships. We don't pray and wish for that. However, if something like that happens which isn't like its strange or rare. Please do not just abandon your marriage, same applies to guys who realized his wife cheated on him. As long as its not a life threatening situation of him turning you into his punching bag or her standing on the streets for men to pick her up to have sex with her (for guys).

If you leave this one claiming he cheated on me, who will you meet that will be a saint. My dear once you have said "I DO" you have to stay in it oh. Perhaps you didn't take the marriage vow seriously then.

There are so many ways of dealing with a cheating husband, that no one will tell him he will stop lols

Do you think because he is cheating he wont sleep with his wife, its your time to deal with him. Doesn't mean you wont show him love, still nurture him, give him food, pamper him. But that department make him sweat for it. Every woman is sexy, get sexy night ware, lovely sexy cloths, make him jealous... so many more.

Though if he has been winched or they swore for him that its inside woman virginal he will die. Abeg allow him to die there ....... lols. But give him chances before a drastic decision is taken.

P.S. I am not married yet but I plan to take my marriage vows seriously. I don't pray for a cheating husband but its going to be for better for worse. But if he can't control himself and hits me several times. I am not saying the first time I will run "NO". If it gets to an unbearable stage, I will park my bags oh, my life is more important than marriage lolsssss

To guys

Sleeping with different women can bring you BADLUCK
You don't know where you are sticking your thing, be careful and be wise.

carefreewannabe:
I am quite shocked that she is blackmailing you into staying with her by telling you that she will hurt herself if you leave. She needs t grow up and you need to leave. This is the only way for you two to keep your sanity.

EfemenaXY:
At times like this, I wish there was a "dislike" button.

Unrealistic Nollywood grin-and bear advice.

I bet you aren't married and you you know nothing of STDs and emotional abuse.

Dangerous post, this is.

- 1,000 dislikes.

ladynice:
thanks they think since he is nt calling dem he is nt caring though on his part I been talking 2 him 2 try & cal he has started he is calling My dad more frequent now may God help me

babyosisi:
There is no other way but just be nice and say hello
You shouldn't be afraid to get a no
It's all part of it
At this young age try hanging out as a group
It's a good way to familiarize oneself with the female folk without pressure
That's what I will advise young people to do

harveyspec:
Thanks, it's the statement some folks have bee. Ramming into my ear that the devil u know is better than the angel u don't know

Someone even advised me to continue with her but double date

Firstly I can't do that, it's not my nature

Secondly lets assume I double date & find the "right person", I'll be back to square one of how do I leave her without her hurting herself


I don't want to come out to tell her it's over, cos she will shout, plead, try to make me see reason why we should continue & then the hurting one's self

Hence my cold & silent treatment until its over, but its not easy, it's wearing me out cos it's against who I'm also

Truckpusher:
Oh jeez! Sometimes your advice in this section stuns me.
That guy need to grow up and make decisions.
I don't know why you give these bullshiit advice sometimes .

Ujujoan:
Just to add . . . .

Sometimes we expect God to bless us based on our own expectations, it may not always be that way. But God always gives us what we need at every point in our lives. God's choices always have what is best for us, but it may not necessarily be in the package we will recognize. Untill you open it up and look inside, you may not see it as the answers to the prayers you offered because it wasnt packaged in the way you expected.

A lot of us have lost a lot of blessings in this way.

Looking back now, i see why God chose him for me. We are alike in soooo many ways . . . . Something i would never have seen if God hadnt led me to him because i would never have given us a chance otherwise. I never believed in destiny, but i know now that from the day we were created, we were both destined to be man and wife. This is becoming obvious each passing day.

babyosisi:
I wrote this elsewhere

Here



Njide had just found a lost friend late 2010
A good friend
Chidi was like a brother to her.She remembered many many years ago he was home visiting from his med school in the SW and Njide was home also for the weekend and they met up.
In a conversation she poured out her heart to her friend and brother,she told him she was in trouble,she was fighting a battle in her heart.
He already knew she was engaged to someone but now he heard that there is another young man who had relentlessly pursued her for months and she was beginning to cave in.
She also revealed that she had finally accepted a date with him at his place the following day, Sunday as soon as she got back from the weekend.
Chidi asked her not to go,he pleaded.Njide you and I know what this young man wants,don't go,I don't want you hurt he said.

As Njide rode back in the taxi cab from her parents home she thought about Chidi's words, she also knew loverboy was probably at home waiting to see her in a few hours time.
She battled with these thoughts
She prayed,at the same time she was looking forward to the date,then Chidi's words would ring again,"Njide don't go".
She thought about her fiance also,she was already having doubts about the relationship,she wanted to keep the date,she wanted to be true to herself and God,her heart raced back and forth with thoughts overflowing as the taxi raced down the expressway towards the city she was headed.
Njide arrived the hostel at 4 Pm ,took a quick bath changed clothes and hailed another cab to the campus gate and shortly afterwards was standing at the address knocking.

The first time she met loverboy was by a gate at the hospital,he looked at her and smiled,she returned the smile and instantly his heart spoke to hers and hers to his.They met again at a formal setting where she heard him speak and was totally smitten but kept it to herself then he made his move,she turned down all his dates and here she was a few months later knocking on his door.
He opened the door and smiled,asking after her parents.She thought that was very thoughtful.
He served her a meal, it was beans and yam with a bottle of coke.
She was not a good fan of beans,it always did a number in her stomach but it would be rude to say no so she ate the food and drank the coke.
They talked like they had known each other for years.
She already knew a few things about him from short conversations in the past.
She couldn't help notice that his place looked very neat and that his cologne smelled incredible but she made no comments about that,he shared the flat with a colleague of his,another young man.
It was a lovely evening,they had a great time talking ,the roommate joined in at some point and just as she was about to leave,the heavens opened up and it began to rain.It didn't just rain,it poured and poured and poured very heavily and it was obvious she couldn't go home that night and panicked,she didn't want to sleep in a house with practically two strange men.
She knew him somewhat,she knew they were both in respected professions but she wanted to go home to her hostel.The next day was Monday,she needed to be in class.
But the rain wouldn't stop,then it dawned on her that she was stuck,night had fallen and it was time for bed.

Njide wondered what to do
Had she made the greatest mistake of her life
The power company NEPA had also quickly shut down the electric supply as soon as the first lightning struck.
At this time it was 8 PM ,pouring outside and pitch black.
Loverboy had lit a small florescent lamp that illuminated the living room area and the Njide carried on with the conversation trying hard to act normal.Loverboy assured her she was safe and she relaxed a bit but her thoughts quickly shifted to her best friend and roommate on campus,Ify with flashes of her fiance Okey.
She hadn't told Ify where she was going,Ify knew Njide had a couple of distant relatives in town and her fiance's sister whom she visited from time to time lived nearby,Ify knew she had just returned from Owerri and dashed out again saying she'll be right back.
It was now getting very late,what could be going through Ify's mind ,Njide thought.
This was the 90's,there were no cell phones in Nigeria so they couldn't communicate at that moment.
Around 10 PM it was clear to loverboy that Njide wanted to go to bed.
She had had a long day and needed some rest.
He took her to his bedroom,gave her a shirt and a wrapper to change into,at this time the rains had stopped and the light was back.
She waited for him to leave the room so she could change into the "sleeping wear" but he didn't seem to want to leave then she politely asked him to excuse her and he apologized for being lost in thought,forgetting his manners.
She changed into his clothes and lay on the bed covering herself with the wrapper.
Njide knew there was an extra bedroom they used as a storage space,it had no bed,the roommate was in the adjacent bedroom but there was a comfortable couch in the living room and she expected that to be his bed for the night.
She was soon to find out how very wrong that assumption was.
Loverboy wanted Njide.

queensmith:
Doesn't sound like a great deal.

Preprof:
Good evening all. I have been following this thread since inception but have not been able to comment. I created a new moniker for this purpose. There's an issue I'd like to table before the house and see what advice I would get.
I'm a final year student in one of the universities and have been in a relationship for about three years. My boyfriend has graduated and is currently serving.
Truth be told, I have always thought that I am in a perfect relationship until I spoke with a friend about what has been going on.
I love my bf to the point that I have made sacrifices for the relationship to go on. He disvirgined me. Whenever we have issues I am always the person that apologizes. He made me change my religious denomination.
Sex with him has been far from pleasurable. I do my best to satisfy him but he hardly cares if I enjoy the act. He craves a bj and I oblige him. He only started getting down on me recently. pre-intimacy is hard task for him and when he gets into me, he climaxes within a few minutes leaving me unsatisfied. I have tried to talk to him about it but he accused me of sleeping with other men. Once, he told me I was acting like a prostitute because I was tipsy due to some alcohol I took.
Early this year, he told all the numbers of guys I have on my phone.
I don't make financial demands on him but he hardly gives me anything. He told me to be content wwith what my mum gives me. He scolded me for making a hairstyle that he considered to be expensive (on top my own money o). I bail him out whenever he is in a fix.
He interrogates me about my whereabouts, who I am with and what I am doing everytime he calls.
I have never really caught him with another girl but I recently saw evidence that he was sexting with a girl. I didn't confront him about it.
I have not discussed my bf with anyone until my friend started asking me about him.
I decided to share this with a larger group so that I can get advice on what to do.
Thank you.

Cc: babyosisi, cococandy

djon78:
Adanne babyosisi thank you so much for this wonderful thread, it has educated me so much concerning marriage.

Honestly I now know that if I had ventured into marriage b4 now, I would have made a mess of it because I was never prepared for it. I am in my mid 30's, came accross a lot of ladies in the past 2 years, but none realy gave me the inner convictn or peace. I wasnt even praying seriously then, adding to that my mum was calling me every week to drum on concerning wife. Honestly that was when I knew I had to pray seriously to God to find my wife, as I did sometime last year, I met a young woman in her mid 20's, gotten her masters, working, very homely, sows and designs her own clothes, bakes and designs quality cakes, deeply spiritual, naturally beauty, infact she is an embodiment of virtous woman in Proverbs 30. I did not waste time oh, I made my move immediately, she no gree oh that last year, but I was led not to give up, I persisted, was real to her, she saw me for whom I am when she gave me the chance, our wedding is coming up soon. Kpomkwem
I have now come to realy understand what marriage is, that you have to die to self and the flesh to succede. God had previously dealt with me concerning sex, cos I was chasing skirts like most guys but I ve learnt abstinence, infact by Gods grace adultery has been programmed in my mind as a no no, this my body only belongs to my wife, no other woman, though it isnt easy because am still flesh, but with God it is well.
That is why threads like this is good, it teaches a lot because many people get into marriage not prepared, that is why many marriages are breaking up. A childhood friend of mine, got married last dec in the east, he has a very rich dad. I cldnt make it to his wedding so I visited him at home, I was like wow when his wife came to greet me, I gave her 98% on the scale of beauty, she was like one of those super models. 3 days later I was hanging out with friends, I discovered that my friend that just did his wedding 3 days before who was supposed to be enjoying honeymoon with his gorgeous wife, lodged another woman in a different hotel. I was so angry, sad and disgusted when I got to know of this, it then dawned on me that a lot of people just marry to fulfil all righteousness, they dont take it serious and end up making their partners life with sorrow and misery.

babyosisi:
I love my mother dearly but many times we disagree strongly on this husband and wife issues
I have never seen my father lay a hand on her but she believes in a woman fighting for her marriage ,I will be like mother NO
Sometimes a woman needs to pack up and leave for her sanity sake she will say my dear you live in America and are now thinking like an American,this is Nigeria,a woman's pride is her husband
Odiegwu
The most ridiculous story I ever heard in my life was from my sweet mother
Supposedly it was a testimony at MFM ,whether she heard it live or read it off their newsletter,I cannot remember
Here it goes
One man was cheating on his wife brazenly,he went as far as bringing the mistress in his matrimonial bed and they.will be moaning while the wife is next door in tears
Prayer warriors told her to stay and keep praying for the strange woman to leave her home and disentangle from her husband
It got worse
The man will ask her to come and wipe off the sweat on their bodies and fan them to cool off after they were finished
I said mommy hold up are you making up these things now ,she said no
This went on for ago aid knows how long
Then one day after he was done with the mistress,the Holy Spirit convicted him and he came and knelt and begged her for forgiveness and that was how she prayed her husband back
I said abia !
Then she goes to give testimony-and they shouted praise the LOrd.
I haven't heard anything more ridiculous
Did she test him for diseases?


Mom always had these bizarre testimonies to share when she comes around lol
In another story the husband brought another woman in as a co wife and my mom and other women in the church advised the woman to stay and contend for her marriage and not step an inch saying that a woman cannot chase a fellow woman out of her matrimonial home.
What type of thing is that
So in order to contend for a man that disrespects me,I will stay and take abuse daily in exchange for answering Mrs
Na wa for Nigerians

babyosisi:
I wrote this elsewhere

Here



Njide had just found a lost friend late 2010
A good friend
Chidi was like a brother to her.She remembered many many years ago he was home visiting from his med school in the SW and Njide was home also for the weekend and they met up.
In a conversation she poured out her heart to her friend and brother,she told him she was in trouble,she was fighting a battle in her heart.
He already knew she was engaged to someone but now he heard that there is another young man who had relentlessly pursued her for months and she was beginning to cave in.
She also revealed that she had finally accepted a date with him at his place the following day, Sunday as soon as she got back from the weekend.
Chidi asked her not to go,he pleaded.Njide you and I know what this young man wants,don't go,I don't want you hurt he said.

As Njide rode back in the taxi cab from her parents home she thought about Chidi's words, she also knew loverboy was probably at home waiting to see her in a few hours time.
She battled with these thoughts
She prayed,at the same time she was looking forward to the date,then Chidi's words would ring again,"Njide don't go".
She thought about her fiance also,she was already having doubts about the relationship,she wanted to keep the date,she wanted to be true to herself and God,her heart raced back and forth with thoughts overflowing as the taxi raced down the expressway towards the city she was headed.
Njide arrived the hostel at 4 Pm ,took a quick bath changed clothes and hailed another cab to the campus gate and shortly afterwards was standing at the address knocking.

The first time she met loverboy was by a gate at the hospital,he looked at her and smiled,she returned the smile and instantly his heart spoke to hers and hers to his.They met again at a formal setting where she heard him speak and was totally smitten but kept it to herself then he made his move,she turned down all his dates and here she was a few months later knocking on his door.
He opened the door and smiled,asking after her parents.She thought that was very thoughtful.
He served her a meal, it was beans and yam with a bottle of coke.
She was not a good fan of beans,it always did a number in her stomach but it would be rude to say no so she ate the food and drank the coke.
They talked like they had known each other for years.
She already knew a few things about him from short conversations in the past.
She couldn't help notice that his place looked very neat and that his cologne smelled incredible but she made no comments about that,he shared the flat with a colleague of his,another young man.
It was a lovely evening,they had a great time talking ,the roommate joined in at some point and just as she was about to leave,the heavens opened up and it began to rain.It didn't just rain,it poured and poured and poured very heavily and it was obvious she couldn't go home that night and panicked,she didn't want to sleep in a house with practically two strange men.
She knew him somewhat,she knew they were both in respected professions but she wanted to go home to her hostel.The next day was Monday,she needed to be in class.
But the rain wouldn't stop,then it dawned on her that she was stuck,night had fallen and it was time for bed.

Njide wondered what to do
Had she made the greatest mistake of her life
The power company NEPA had also quickly shut down the electric supply as soon as the first lightning struck.
At this time it was 8 PM ,pouring outside and pitch black.
Loverboy had lit a small florescent lamp that illuminated the living room area and the Njide carried on with the conversation trying hard to act normal.Loverboy assured her she was safe and she relaxed a bit but her thoughts quickly shifted to her best friend and roommate on campus,Ify with flashes of her fiance Okey.
She hadn't told Ify where she was going,Ify knew Njide had a couple of distant relatives in town and her fiance's sister whom she visited from time to time lived nearby,Ify knew she had just returned from Owerri and dashed out again saying she'll be right back.
It was now getting very late,what could be going through Ify's mind ,Njide thought.
This was the 90's,there were no cell phones in Nigeria so they couldn't communicate at that moment.
Around 10 PM it was clear to loverboy that Njide wanted to go to bed.
She had had a long day and needed some rest.
He took her to his bedroom,gave her a shirt and a wrapper to change into,at this time the rains had stopped and the light was back.
She waited for him to leave the room so she could change into the "sleeping wear" but he didn't seem to want to leave then she politely asked him to excuse her and he apologized for being lost in thought,forgetting his manners.
She changed into his clothes and lay on the bed covering herself with the wrapper.
Njide knew there was an extra bedroom they used as a storage space,it had no bed,the roommate was in the adjacent bedroom but there was a comfortable couch in the living room and she expected that to be his bed for the night.
She was soon to find out how very wrong that assumption was.
Loverboy wanted Njide.

babyosisi:
I so disliked that post so much that I had to call a friend of mine who left an abusive marriage to tell her about it and she said she feels so sorry for nigerian women and the false doctrine of stay at all cost
Imagine someone saying she won't leave in a physical abuse situation until it gets unbearable,isn't that someone asking to be killed
If any of the women that died at the hands of their husbands knew that last beating may be the last or that a weapon will be involved that last time,would they have stayed.
I do hope she loses that mindset fast

Unique3:
I doubt you truly understand the essence of what she explained. It's ok. For those who do, honestly, it's deep.

Odillz:
*Climbs okro tree and opens coke*
Fire-on ladies

EfemenaXY:
Osisi, abeg, abeg... come 'n finish up this story. It's cruel to keep us hanging in suspense.

Biko.

babyosisi:
Lol

EfemenaXY:
Yes o!

Or if you're a bit busy, just post the link and lemme read up the rest of the story.