₦airaland Forum

FOREXMARTS:
Tiff lol, now wey u don code say dem dey go arrange ur package for mother's day it will longer be a surprise, but now you have to fake the surprise so u don't disappoint ur kids and hubby. Now i dey pity them lol. There is God oh. Hahahahaha

thorpido:
Your hubby is your hubby but I'm not sure he is your friend.Why would a husband not help out a heavily pregnant wife with house chores?
I think your hubby is the traditional african man and the fact that he's the one handling all finances makes him not want to help out.
Have a talk with him when the mood is right and if after all these,he still wouldn't budge,just do the much you can do each time and you have the next day to do the rest.

Bizbee:
I had a talk with him today, but it yielded nothing positive. He kept telling me its my job to bathe and take care of the kids, that i should go and ask my mum. Funny enough, he can cook, and do chores well without stress if he wants to do them, but he is just being lazy or maybe proving a point to me. he said i cant be assigning chores to him, when i only begged him to start bathing our first son and then we do chores together. Hmm mm, it is well o

Bizbee:
I had a talk with him today, but it yielded nothing positive. He kept telling me its my job to bathe and take care of the kids, that i should go and ask my mum. Funny enough, he can cook, and do chores well without stress if he wants to do them, but he is just being lazy or maybe proving a point to me. he said i cant be assigning chores to him, when i only begged him to start bathing our first son and then we do chores together. Hmm mm, it is well o

babyosisi:
Take it easy,you don't need stress at this time.
First I will say that after this third child you call your last,go and get your tubes tied,so that you deal with just the three and have time to plan and get into your career.
The mistake you made is the same mistake many women make in marriage
We come in being a superwoman,we even see the man taking his own food from the pot,we run and collect the plate and serve him
Big mistake
I guess it is harder for housewives to ask for help because the man thinks you are home doing nothing
My hardest times as a mom was when I had to stay home with two little kids
I was tired all the time.just watching the kids alone was so much work let alone the housework and cookng.
After this baby,you must find something doing
Send them to school and daycare even if 2/3 of your salary will go there,you need it for your sanity sake.
Go to any day care,the workers don't last
Because it if tough caring for children but most men don't understand it and they have to be taught that wisely

Let me tell you something I did especially after my last baby.
As soon as hubby gets home and I say welcome,I run into the bathroom ,sit in a bubble bath with music playing from my laptop and I will be there one full hour or more
Every blessed day
It was one of the best things I did your myself,it was so calming
All the stress of the day disappeared in that water
It was either that or my sanity
Hubby simply got used to it and will sometimes make his own pounded yam and warm soup or wait till I came out.
That may have been the only time I had to myself all day and I needed it.

Sometimes you need to take a walk and leave him with the kids.
There is nothing that teaches a man to appreciate what we do than leave him alone with the kids a few hours or days to handle them he will be a changed man.
Try it
Take a vacation for a few days and leave him with the kids
Go out shopping a few hours and leave the kids behind

For the younger women reading,please do these things from time to time from day one so you don't fight and conquer in the battles some of us fought,I could fill a whole thread with my experiences.
When you are invited to a baby shower or bridal shower,leave the babies behind,he is their father
Invited to a wedding,he doesn't wanna go,share the kids ,give him the two smaller ones,take the older ones.
You have to assert yourself in some things o

I am also married to a traditional man,mine is so traditional he eats pounded yam every night but my mom came visiting when our kids were small and saw him doing housework and thought what a wonderful man,not knowing we didn't get there from day one.

So my sister be wise
[b]Don't take on any more tasks anything you can't handle say it upfront and ask for help or leave it undone
Get used to the scattered environment ,sometimes just use leg and kick the toys one side and pass
When the child misses school a few times or makes him late a few times,he will learn to help
Trust me it works.
But nothing works better than you going on a trip for at least 7 days without the kids
You will come home to a renewed man.[/b]

moca:
Hmn,i just can't get my hand on this.
Why won't a man help in the house?
What is the meaning of traditional african man?
My daddy can outdo my mum in house chores.
My bro can outdo me too.

My hubby can bathe me and the kid if it's necessary and his balls r still hanging.

I blame parents and more especially mothers for not training their make child well.
Can we see the vicious cycle?

A man who thinks he is too big tto help in the house don't know what he is missing. God bless u ma
1. He has his wiffe's love tatooed in his heart permanently.
2. He is teaching his children the art and act of being responsible.
3.he is sending love message across his whole house. The kids especially boys will know that there is no male or female role when it comes to taking care of the house.
4.he is also called blessed by everybody. If I enter a house and see a man pounding yam while iyawo is preparing soup,children r doing one thing or the other,that is the kind of house I sit down to dine with.
I will extoll the man in the presence of his family let his head swell.
Oh,lots of men r really missing out a lot.
How do u show love if not tru all these?

Anytime we r in d village eg for xmas and I'm busy painting my nails with my galfriend,my bro will just enter kitchen and pound his foofoo(he loves that food well)
Mummy graded us one time and said he cooks better than me

All my male relatives cook.
It's a normal thing in my area.

U will see a US based big man early morning one xmas period with long broom sweeping compd. If u ask him what of the children either home or abroad,he will say they r still in bed. Harmattan ish. So he is indulging them.
That they were trained to sweep the compound very early in the morning.
This is a man that is financing almost 20 people and very influential yet sees nothing in sweeping his father's compound.

Common guys,enuff of this rubbish.
U want a happy and fulfilled family life,do the needful.
Remember ur wife is ur jewel.
She is ur queen. Treat her so and see chains of surprised reactions coming from her.
Also if u want ur daughter's husband to worship her,worship her mum.
So u will forever remain a proud husband and father.

How I wish u guys know the benefits and blessing that comes with bending low
That ur parents and uncle's didn't do that and u guessed their marriage was splendid is a big fat lie.
Society made women then not to complain.
Society dictated what happens in d family.
And guess what?
We can see the ripple effect.
Don't let society marry ur wife or father ur children for u.

See what society has gotten nigeria into.
Let's start making d diff from our various homes.
Marriage is sweet if those invoved play their parts well.

shrekandfiona:
when I read your post, it was a "deja vu" for me. Like you I have 2 kids pregnant for my 3rd as well. I married a traditional man who sees the woman as a domestic being. I am working though so what I did was employ a house help he never supported at 1st but I pay her myself. She is not a live in help. She resumes 8am and closes 5pm when I get back from work.

I wake up daily by 5am, cook for the house wake kids up by 6:15am to get them ready for school, their school bus picks them up by 7am, thereafter I prepare for my work. Hubby is still asleep till 8am when he wakes to eat his breakfast. I leave for work by 8:30am by then the help has resumed for cleaning.

can you believe by 1:30pm everyday hubby calls me to ask if his lunch is served at home and me am at work o. I have to call my help at home to make sure his lunch is ready. Note that he doesn't allow the help to cook his meals o. I cook and store away while the help just warms and serve.

It has not been easy but I had to adjust. So my advise to you is to get a help (not live in o) or get a relation like a younger sister or cousin to
help you out because if your hubby is like mine, he will never yield to helping around the house o. I had to even change jobs to a more flexible but lower paying one just to reduce stress

Bizbee:
Thanks so much for this advice. I really need a vacation , which i know he wont agree to because i have asked of one before and his response was , how will a responsible mother and wife leave the kids behind for her own selfish interest. As for leaving the kids with him for hours, hmmm he wont agree at all. just for me to go to the salon to make my hair, either i take the younger one along with me or the stylist should come to the house to make my hair and i will still be taking care of them simultaneously.

whenever he comes back from work i will dish his meal them go into the room to rest from the stress, i usually play soft old school music to help me out. the next thing after his meal he will come with the kids to disturb me saying why the distance that i don't want to spend time with him since he left me since morning. i will try that bath tub thing i know that will work, i will just lock my self in .
it just got dawn on me that he is a real traditional man.

shrekandfiona:
Thank you. You understand. I am not making excuses for hubby but I have come to accept his shortcomings and God has been faithful.

shrekandfiona:
Thank you. You understand. I am not making excuses for hubby but I have come to accept his shortcomings and God has been faithful.

thorpido:
Do a repost or send a mail if you wish.

shrekandfiona:
lol welcome to my world. In fact when I discovered this recent pregnancy, i cried and cried. I kept asking God why me cos I was on contraceptive and I know one more child with my workload was a no no.It was hubby that kept consoling me o

on a lighter note, people like us don't have to deal with weight gain. I have maintained same weight of 60kg till date even after 2 kids. I use a US size 8. When people see me they don't believe I have kids when they get to know they ask how I manage to keep in shape I just laugh. Now am in my 2nd trimester for my 3rd, am weighing 65kg. At the mall a while ago an elderly man was telling my kids to go ask their aunty(that's me o) before they take something off the shelf

I guess our workload has its advantages too My sister Abeg learn not to stress yourself o thinking is stress hard work could be stressful but not as stressful and depressing as thinking. Do not think much of happenings in the house just do what you can especially for the kids. That is what keeps me going on if I tell my complete story eh, people will marvel.

Renaj:
Hello house, please help a sister....
I got the courage to write because of the selfless service y'all are rendering. May God bless you.

I met this guy on Facebook, fell in love and he proposed without us seeing each other(wierd, isn't it?). This all happened within a span of 3 months. Why? This guy who l have never was different from all the guys l' ve met( in a good way). I was reluctant but when we actually met, he was everything he said he is except his age which he lied about. He told me his true age on our first day of meeting, that is, 35 against 30. He said he was scared l may not be real, and that is why he didnt tell me his real age. I will be 23 in June.
On our first day of meeting, we were happy and he insisted on meeting my father with a bottle of wine, which he later did. The next day, l met his mother and she was happy. He introduced me 2 everyone that mattered. Despite all these, l didnt give him a concrete yes!
I am a graduate and just started Msc programme and he is WASC holder. When we just started communication via phone, l knew because of his little errors in written and spoken English, which he does better than most of my course mates in school, but l didnt comment about it. I do correct him and he adjust easily. When we got serious, he told me that he didnt go to the University because of financial constraint. He is exposed though. l told him that l would like him to start an ND program @least and he reluctantly agreed. He is a driver with an oil company in Lagos and barely has time for himself.
Few weeks before we met, he lost his job. He is recently working but the pay isnt much. He has business plans but no capital
He is humble, honest(except the age thing), trustworthy and has a big sense of humor.
I have never been in a relationship. He is my first boyfriend. He lives in Lagos while l live in the east, though we are both from the south east. I have gone to his place and spent 3 days because of a job interview and he never forced me 4 sex,(am a virgin) though we cuddled.
He always seeks for my advice before embarking on anything, and always aims to make me happy. When we started communicating, l was a frustrated applicant on the verge of suicide (lol) but now, though still an applicant, he made me see the whole issue as one of life's hurdles and not a do or die affair.
My fear is that this is my first r/ship. Am scared because l dont know if am being blinded by emotions or not, and him not being financially buoyant. Also a little worried about the age difference. He sometimes hint that l will leave him if l meet a graduate like me or someone richer.
He is a romantic at heart and is planning a romantic proposal in April( l gathered from hints). I am a difficult person, a melancholy and prone to mood changes, but on every occasion, he always have patience and shows maturity in dealing with every issue.
This is new for me, l have no dating experience and don't know if l should say yes with all the differences or date others first. I love him but l need to use my brain too.
Please help!!!
Sorry for the long story.

Bizbee:
I had a talk with him today, but it yielded nothing positive. He kept telling me its my job to bathe and take care of the kids, that i should go and ask my mum. Funny enough, he can cook, and do chores well without stress if he wants to do them, but he is just being lazy or maybe proving a point to me. he said i cant be assigning chores to him, when i only begged him to start bathing our first son and then we do chores together. Hmm mm, it is well o

Renaj:
Hello house, please help a sister....
I got the courage to write because of the selfless service y'all are rendering. May God bless you.

I met this guy on Facebook, fell in love and he proposed without us seeing each other(wierd, isn't it?). This all happened within a span of 3 months. Why? This guy who l have never was different from all the guys l' ve met( in a good way). I was reluctant but when we actually met, he was everything he said he is except his age which he lied about. He told me his true age on our first day of meeting, that is, 35 against 30. He said he was scared l may not be real, and that is why he didnt tell me his real age. I will be 23 in June.
On our first day of meeting, we were happy and he insisted on meeting my father with a bottle of wine, which he later did. The next day, l met his mother and she was happy. He introduced me 2 everyone that mattered. Despite all these, l didnt give him a concrete yes!
I am a graduate and just started Msc programme and he is WASC holder. When we just started communication via phone, l knew because of his little errors in written and spoken English, which he does better than most of my course mates in school, but l didnt comment about it. I do correct him and he adjust easily. When we got serious, he told me that he didnt go to the University because of financial constraint. He is exposed though. l told him that l would like him to start an ND program @least and he reluctantly agreed. He is a driver with an oil company in Lagos and barely has time for himself.
Few weeks before we met, he lost his job. He is recently working but the pay isnt much. He has business plans but no capital
He is humble, honest(except the age thing), trustworthy and has a big sense of humor.
I have never been in a relationship. He is my first boyfriend. He lives in Lagos while l live in the east, though we are both from the south east. I have gone to his place and spent 3 days because of a job interview and he never forced me 4 sex,(am a virgin) though we cuddled.
He always seeks for my advice before embarking on anything, and always aims to make me happy. When we started communicating, l was a frustrated applicant on the verge of suicide (lol) but now, though still an applicant, he made me see the whole issue as one of life's hurdles and not a do or die affair.
My fear is that this is my first r/ship. Am scared because l dont know if am being blinded by emotions or not, and him not being financially buoyant. Also a little worried about the age difference. He sometimes hint that l will leave him if l meet a graduate like me or someone richer.
He is a romantic at heart and is planning a romantic proposal in April( l gathered from hints). I am a difficult person, a melancholy and prone to mood changes, but on every occasion, he always have patience and shows maturity in dealing with every issue.
This is new for me, l have no dating experience and don't know if l should say yes with all the differences or date others first. I love him but l need to use my brain too.
Please help!!!
Sorry for the long story.

Bizbee:
God bless you for this thread, i wanted to create a new thread for advice but found this matured thread with sincere n honest answers.

Hmm mm, where do i start from? I am married for 5 years with 2 children and heavily pregnant for the last child. My hubby takes responsibility of the family for now. I just finished my M.Sc. program awaiting my graduation, i don't work presently. I took in when my second child was just 9 months old, it has not been easy because i am alone with no nanny or house help. In fact since I got married I had been the only one with no help to assist me, i give God the glory for my strength.

To my problem, I have been having issues with hubby helping me with house chores it has been an issue for a while. With my pregnancy I would carry the little baby at my back to the markets, run errands and do house chores. When he saw the pain was much for me he decided to help by doing shopping n going to the market which i appreciate. Now i just entered my third trimester so it quite difficult for me to bend low. i usually wake up as early as 5 / 5.30 am to prepare the children for school. Oga will be sleeping till 6.30 am before he wakes up, at times when i wake late 6am i beg him to help bathe the first child. Today just got me thinking, why my hubby will call me names like lazy brat, bastard, useless, pathetic just because i asked him to help bathe his child so that he won’t go late because he takes him to school. He actually bathed him after a lot of complains but threw my child's shoe and sucks at me to put it on for him with all these abuses following his action. He also said i want to turn it to his job bathing our son.

Now i have decided to show him how a lazy brat behaves from now on. i think he is taking me for granted, because i behave like a super woman at home doing all the chores n errands even when am weak i still manage because i no he won’t help out.
please i need advice because those words are just too heavy for me and am hurting. i did not and will never call him names .

shrekandfiona:
when I read your post, it was a "deja vu" for me. Like you I have 2 kids pregnant for my 3rd as well. I married a traditional man who sees the woman as a domestic being. I am working though so what I did was employ a house help he never supported at 1st but I pay her myself. She is not a live in help. She resumes 8am and closes 5pm when I get back from work.

I wake up daily by 5am, cook for the house wake kids up by 6:15am to get them ready for school, their school bus picks them up by 7am, thereafter I prepare for my work. Hubby is still asleep till 8am when he wakes to eat his breakfast. I leave for work by 8:30am by then the help has resumed for cleaning.

can you believe by 1:30pm everyday hubby calls me to ask if his lunch is served at home and me am at work o. I have to call my help at home to make sure his lunch is ready. Note that he doesn't allow the help to cook his meals o. I cook and store away while the help just warms and serve.

It has not been easy but I had to adjust. So my advise to you is to get a help (not live in o) or get a relation like a younger sister or cousin to help you out because if your hubby is like mine, he will never yield to helping around the house o. I had to even change jobs to a more flexible but lower paying one just to reduce stress

urchbarbie:
#my2cents
U can marry anyone u want tom the gist is, ure d one going into d marriage and u av seen what u like. Hold on to it if ure convinced he is d onem as for being a skl cert holdern make sure he enrolls in a poly/uni n start up a progrm bfr u commit fully. Biko! Times r changing n u won't want to be stuck with someone who can't climb up d ladder cos of his qualificationsm my dad suffered it and made sure he trained his children in d uni to first degree level. U may not mind so much now, but in d nearest future u would. Give him d promise dat u love him, but want d best for ur futures and dat getting a degree would be wonderful

thorpido:
He's the first guy you are having a relationship with so I will say thread with caution.You're just 23yrs so you've got no reason to rush.Just give yourself time.The age gap between you is huge and though some people have gotten married to people who are much older than them,experience has shown that an age difference of few years works better for couples.It enhances communication and understanding better.You are able to flow better.

His education:you are a graduate and he doesn't have a first degree.What prospects does he have for the future?Even if he starts school at 35yrs,what job offer will he get at 40yrs old?
Romance is good,but romance is not enough when the realities of marriage set in.
Think it through so you don't start resenting him in the future should you decide to settle for him.

Renaj:
Hello house, please help a sister....
I got the courage to write because of the selfless service y'all are rendering. May God bless you.

I met this guy on Facebook, fell in love and he proposed without us seeing each other(wierd, isn't it?). This all happened within a span of 3 months. Why? This guy who l have never was different from all the guys l' ve met( in a good way). I was reluctant but when we actually met, he was everything he said he is except his age which he lied about. He told me his true age on our first day of meeting, that is, 35 against 30. He said he was scared l may not be real, and that is why he didnt tell me his real age. I will be 23 in June.
On our first day of meeting, we were happy and he insisted on meeting my father with a bottle of wine, which he later did. The next day, l met his mother and she was happy. He introduced me 2 everyone that mattered. Despite all these, l didnt give him a concrete yes!
I am a graduate and just started Msc programme and he is WASC holder. When we just started communication via phone, l knew because of his little errors in written and spoken English, which he does better than most of my course mates in school, but l didnt comment about it. I do correct him and he adjust easily. When we got serious, he told me that he didnt go to the University because of financial constraint. He is exposed though. l told him that l would like him to start an ND program @least and he reluctantly agreed. He is a driver with an oil company in Lagos and barely has time for himself.
Few weeks before we met, he lost his job. He is recently working but the pay isnt much. He has business plans but no capital
He is humble, honest(except the age thing), trustworthy and has a big sense of humor.
I have never been in a relationship. He is my first boyfriend. He lives in Lagos while l live in the east, though we are both from the south east. I have gone to his place and spent 3 days because of a job interview and he never forced me 4 sex,(am a virgin) though we cuddled.
He always seeks for my advice before embarking on anything, and always aims to make me happy. When we started communicating, l was a frustrated applicant on the verge of suicide (lol) but now, though still an applicant, he made me see the whole issue as one of life's hurdles and not a do or die affair.
My fear is that this is my first r/ship. Am scared because l dont know if am being blinded by emotions or not, and him not being financially buoyant. Also a little worried about the age difference. He sometimes hint that l will leave him if l meet a graduate like me or someone richer.
He is a romantic at heart and is planning a romantic proposal in April( l gathered from hints). I am a difficult person, a melancholy and prone to mood changes, but on every occasion, he always have patience and shows maturity in dealing with every issue.
This is new for me, l have no dating experience and don't know if l should say yes with all the differences or date others first. I love him but l need to use my brain too.
Please help!!!
Sorry for the long story.

Renaj:
Thanks dear, l 've done that but he is financially limited with no time. He prefers going into business and is working towards raising capital.

shrekandfiona:
@renaj, Hmmmm I don't know where to start advising you from but in my honest opinion there are so ooooo many differences between you and that dude. The only similarity is your tribe.

Firstly the age difference is huge. A 5-7 yr gap is okay and anything more than that is a no no for me only if am going into the relationship for financial reasons but in your case the dude sef isn't financially stable.
He knew this that was why he lied initially that he was 30 yrs old. If a 35yr old man is looking for love on Facebook, it will be a red flag for me because I'll wonder what he did with his youth.

secondly, the day you met him physically was the day he persuaded you for him to meet your dad with a wine Why the rush? You were just meeting for the 1st time and he's already eager to meet your parents and you his? Another red flag for me

thirdly the difference in education is just too huge. You're already on your masters and him a wasc holder? And you think inferiority complex wouldn't set in? In fact based on the hints he is already giving you that he thinks you'll leave him for a graduate like yourself is a complex already brewing.

If you were my sister, I'll advise you either get to study him more, his kind of friends, relationship with people etc before agreeing to any solid thing with him or better still leave him and get someone at par with you at least education wise.

you are still young and a V please do not loose that carelessly. The dude may be a predator and is actually nice and caring for a reason. He may have other things he isn't saying. I once dated a dude like that years ago. We were in same town, a waec holder and way older than me. We met physically at my work canteen at lunch and he was way too nice to me. He lied about his age, job, qualification it was later I got to know through his sister whom I became close to. It was devastating for me because he swept me off my feet. I even later got to know he had kids staying in the village with his mum.

so my dear thread carefully though some may be genuine but some are wolves in sheepskin

Renaj:
Thank you dear. He told me that he was badly hurt by an ex girlfriend whom he intended marrying. Though he was the person to break off the relationship, he gave up on any emotional involvement with women till l came along(according to him). That is why he is still single at 35. He looks good at 35.(lol). He insisted on seeing my family because he wanted to prove that he is real and not playing games with me. He took me to his mother because she was enthusiastic about her sons relationship status. His mother who had given up on his son because of his hurtful past in relationship welcomed me warmly. She calls me daily too.
Now, l am officially scared.

babyosisi:
Do not let anyone rope you in
You have time on your hands,tell him you want to get to know him more before making a decision
Get to know this man closely for at least 6 months
You can uncover a lot of things to make you flee or seal your decision in those months
Don't let anyone take advantage of your youth and inexperience
I understand you are in love,that is a beautiful thing but you need to use your head
Take this as an advise from a concerned aunty