₦airaland Forum

figment232:
Bottomline is for a wife to make her husband happy. Op wants to be happily married and he truly deserves it.

kaboninc:
[s][/s]

mira4u:
op deserves to be happy and wife doesn't deserve it huh!! Wife should make her husband happy while she stays unhappy cos of hubby huh!!! You try. Arrant rubbish!!!! You are just like the op. Tyrants and dictators at home who will never lead their home well yet want all their dictates to be o beyed accordingly. Arrant rubbish!!!!

nomanicole:
You seem perfect MR, ur wife may not be complaining because she knows what marriage is about, tolerance, sacrifice and communication, sometimes its good to ket a lot of things slide, every day talkie talkie no dey tire you? U really nag a lot, u are responding more than u should read ehat people are saying, esp hoosing the ones u prefer or you feel are on your side, if ur wife compared the size of ur private part to an ex, im sure she will go home that day, you had the nerve to go to ur friend's house, to ask the wife to cook for you when both or you shouldve lovingly googled and prepared it together. She must really be tolerating so much, you dont demand apology after enforcing your decision, im sure if she comes here to talk about you, we will feel sorry for her. In the end you will ruin a beautiful thing because you have a huge ego, truthfully you need to appreciate your wife, ask her what she wants before you make a decision, its a marriage not temporary contract, you just have to sit down and talk. About the MSc did you even ask her which school she wanted to go before you decided for her cos it was 3mins from your house? Haba mr perfect, like u have made us believe. Tell us ur bad parts and dont come here making people believe you married a stubborn unapologetic woman when all most of us have read is " you are a( i must have it my way) kind of man. You are the one with the issue. I know you wont agree with me cos i did not join to condemn ur wife.

mira4u:
. See them. Birds of a feather

byvan03:
Stop begging for apology, it makes the person less sorry and defensive. Is not easy for a lot of people to apologise and nagging won't make it happen. It is a gradual process, she will learn but you need to stop the nagging. You also can't tell her which ingredient to keep but you can insist on not wanting it in your meal. Next time , just leave the food for her if she adds it.

You are in a nice boat, don't rock it. People like her cannot respond to your orders and aggression, subtle hints and withdrawal pricks their conscience. One day she will apologise and mean it, the one you won't have to beg for. No one is perfect, we are all dented one way or the other.

Peppul:
Bro you just have to live with it, no human is perfect. my wife also does that, she never apologises for anything even when she is @ fault, instead I end up apologising, but that doesn't mean she is bad, jst a way of showing u that she is no perfect. and I never stop loving her. but the most important thing is both party understanding each other...

mrk74:
Thanks.

I've boarded from Nursery through secondary but not at University level since the University was just a walking distance from home.

einsteino:
What I see here is that alot of folks have shitty traits and think it is normal. There is no excuse for not apologising when you are wrong, I once was like you guys, ego wouldn't let me mutter am sorry. but later I realised the scarcity of sorry makes even friendship degenerate and sure as hell it is worse off for a marriage. I am not married but if you are, observe the few reasonably happily married couples around you, they apologise effortlessly.

Though on Op's issue his wife have already apologized.. he noted she asked him to stop being angry and asked if he is still angry, that is one way of apologising if she said it in a right tone.. for someone like me, that is good enough.. the remaining issue is the actual apology which is repentance or desisting from the condiment she puts in his food cos sorry is a useless phrase if there is no change.

cococandy:
'Obey' 'disobey'.

your wife is not a child to demand obedience from. I have a hunch her attitude is a last ditch effort to retain some dignity since you are already treating her like a child.

Change. Engage her like an adult. Talk to her like your mate not your subordinate. I believe you will see some compromise from her.

einsteino:
What I see here is that alot of folks have shitty traits and think it is normal. There is no excuse for not apologising when you are wrong, I once was like you guys, ego wouldn't let me mutter am sorry. but later I realised the scarcity of sorry makes even friendship degenerate and sure as hell it is worse off for a marriage. I am not married but if you are, observe the few reasonably happily married couples around you, they apologise effortlessly.

Though on Op's issue his wife have already apologized.. he noted she asked him to stop being angry and asked if he is still angry, that is one way of apologising if she said it in a right tone.. for someone like me, that is good enough.. the remaining issue is the actual apology which is repentance or desisting from the condiment she puts in his food cos sorry is a useless phrase if there is no change.

mrk74:
Thanks.

We won't break apart. An concerning the nagging it's not what I can expect of me. My kind of nag has been that I've said I don't like this, she acknowledges and in some cases promises to adjust but doesn't. So I remind her when she does it again. At the 4th time, she may get a lecture. Lol. But I don't like it. I think that 1 or 2 times should be enough for someone to make adjustment. Or if you have a problem adjusting then say it and we have a discussion and arrive at a compromise.

I believe we will get there sha. I've already made up my mind not to make a complain more than once.

mrk74:
Thank you very much for your suggestions. I'm very honest in this and I've also tried my best to be objective. She is a wonderful wife and I've boosted to family and friends even before marriage that she is 99% of what I want in a woman and truly she is. Concerning the talk, I had pointed out that we had such a serious talk just before we began our marriage process and I think she had genuinely accepted to adjust and for over a year we didn't get to this point, though I think there must have been some instances I had simply overlooked. As per this very item, it's a very common cooking item that most people can't do without but it gives me running stomach when the quantity is much. My late mother always used it in her cooking but she was very moderate that mistakes were like 1 in 50 times or probably less. I only told her to stop after she can't adjust. And she knows very well the trouble it gives me. But the request is like a sacrifice on her part but the alternative is for her to add this when she wants to eat and the objective will still be achieved. After we've had this slight row and I threatened not to eat her food again, she has again promised not to use it. But from experience, I won't be surprised if she gets back to it after a while. I'm also of the opinion that if she actually apologizes, she will take it more serious and will be more likely to uphold her promise.



God forbid us breaking apart.

mrk74:
Please don't just view. I need your suggestions/inputs.

Let me add that I believe in leading by example. I take her suggestions seriously. Where I don't agree we discuss it and I get her to understand and willingly agree with me. The only complain she has ever had pertaining to me was about me calling her by her name (actually short form of her name) instead of her pet name when friends or visitors are around. I just wasn't used to it but I had apologized and adjusted.

I'm a very simple person and I don't shout even when I'm angry. It's only my countenance & tone that would let you know I'm angry. But I don't just get angry instantly. In the last instance I just brought out the item to where I was working in the room. She came back and laughed when she saw it before me. I asked her what the item is doing in the house when I had asked her to stop buying it and she agreed. She responded that she will be using it moderately. She had made this same assertion before but can't keep to it before I told her to stop out rightly. I asked her if she realized that her action is disrespect to me? She said it's not like that that she has promised to reduce the quantity. In all this I was cool and she had all the time to apologize. I only got angry when I told her that I can stop eating her food because of this and she told me that the food I will eat outside will still have the item.

To me the last statement shows defiance. That is what really upset me. If she had apologized, I would have easily consented to her continuing believing that she will take it more serious to be mindful of the quantity.

byvan03:
Stop begging for apology, it makes the person less sorry and defensive. Is not easy for a lot of people to apologise and nagging won't make it happen. It is a gradual process, she will learn but you need to stop the nagging. You also can't tell her which ingredient to keep but you can insist on not wanting it in your meal. Next time , just leave the food for her if she adds it.

You are in a nice boat, don't rock it. People like her cannot respond to your orders and aggression, subtle hints and withdrawal pricks their conscience. One day she will apologise and mean it, the one you won't have to beg for. No one is perfect, we are all dented one way or the other.

cococandy:
'Obey' 'disobey'.

your wife is not a child to demand obedience from. I have a hunch her attitude is a last ditch effort to retain some dignity since you are already treating her like a child.

Change. Engage her like an adult. Talk to her like your mate not your subordinate. I believe you will see some compromise from her.

mira4u:
O
You are only interested in her adjustment and not yours. Compromise in marriage is for both parties. It's not a one sided thing else it won't last. Take your time and ask her who she really thinks you are, if she opens up, you will discover what you also need to work on. Stop being a dictator. Listen to her suggestions sometimes. Overlook minor things. Don't complain too much. Then, all will fall in place. I keep telling people including my hubby that MARRIAGE REQUIRES EFFORT FROM BOTH HUSBAND AND WIFE, it's NEVER a One-sided thing. I thankGod my hubby now understands and has made huge adjustment just like I did, my home is more like heaven on earth now. WORK ON YOURSELF.

mrk74:
She has initiated discussion on this. Her approach is to tell me to stop being angry. Then later ask if I'm still angry. She notes that I'm making a big issue out of a little thing. I do agree it is a little thing but her response to it has not been helping which is what I explained to her. She now claims that she is being vulnerable in the relationship. And asks why she will always have to be the one to apologise whenever we have issues. This is really shocking to me. I asked her if she has ever apologized before which she didn't offer an answer. To the best of my knowledge what she will typically do is say stop being angry and sometimes without even addressing the issue that resulted in the annoyance.

She has not made much complain about me. In fact I can only remember one. But if she does I won't give her the opportunity to complain twice. If it's not acceptable to me, then I will want us to discuss it and come to a common ground. I asked her how she will react if I didn't adjust if she made a complain about me and she said she will just keep making the complain at the very instance that I repeat the issue and move on. This is what I've been doing but I'm not comfortable complaining on the same issue more than 3 times.

For some weeks now I've asked her to prepare unripe plantain with vegetable for me but she has not done so. When she was away in school where she is running her Msc, a friend who is also a neighbour had given that to me and I liked it. Initially she said she didn't understand how it's prepared and I explained what it looked like and we even agreed that we can discuss it with my friend and the wife (who happens to be from her village and their families know each other). But ever since she has refused to by vegetables whenever she goes to the market. I've asked severally and she'll give one flimsy reason or the other. Today she says that I shouldn't expect her to alter plans she had for other things to cook that. This is one of the things she has been saying.

---Modified ----
Some day last week I went and bought the vegetable myself. I wanted to buy N500 worth but she said it would be too much and a female cousin of mine who was around insisted that it will be too much. They said it should be N100 or N200 but they were still concerned about the N200 quantity. I can't remember which I had bought but when I brought it my wife prepared it as if it were soup for eba and we ended up eating it as soup. I didn't mind that she didn't use plantain as this was just an option. The most important thing was the vegetable. We laughed about the outcome but I pointed out that it wasn't what I expected. That I actually wanted an inexpensive thing that can be made often just for the health benefit. She said she had noted it but she has been to the market since then and even bought vegetable to make soup but not enough for what I asked for. Yesterday she was at the market again but still won't buy vegetables. When I asked today she said she made the vegetable soup because of my request. I don't understand what exactly is the problem, but it seems she just didn't take the request serious.

Well yesterday I took permission from my friend and asked the wife to help me prepare the vegetable with plantain and she did it for me today. I was careful not to indicate that there is a problem, instead told her it was to make it easy for her to have an idea what it looks like. When my wife asked me I told her someone else prepared what she had refused to prepare for me. She didn't say anything. Hours later she told me she is embarrassed about it. I just hope that will make her take my request serious in the future.

Looks like the person who posted the following that is now on front page had read through this thread.
https://www.nairaland.com/3388415/10-health-benefits-unripe-plantain

mrk74:
I believe she won't agree that I treat her like a child. I don't always push my views on her, but before marriage she had agreed with me that if we hold divergent views and we are not able to arrive at a common ground then she will consent to mine. Currently I'm the only one earning and she has the freedom to spend without my consent. She only notifies me when money is not at home and she needs to withdraw at the ATM which she has the PIN and knows where the cards are kept. I also always discuss and get her inputs when I want to make any major spending. I've sometimes left the choice of certain things that affect both of us to her. Will she have that freedom if she is a subordinate?

sambisa5:
Don't you think you are expecting so much from her?
We only heard your side,,we haven't listened to her yet....
And if you ask me, for even bringing your family affairs to social media is a lot of immaturity from you....

mrk74:
I do feel that I’m a very lucky man to have a very compatible lady as my wife. We love each other so well and I strongly believe we were meant for each other. However, I have one issue. When she has issue with a suggestion, request or complain she may agree without stating or discussing her objections but will simply not take the suggestion. Sometimes she will out rightly disobey me. The result will be me complaining severally and eventually getting upset. We hardly have issues, but when we do it’s usually because of something like this. We had dated for about 3 years before marriage. We had no issue in our 1st two years. Not that there was no complain at all but we easily made adjustments to accommodate each other. But there were several instances of this kind of issues in our 3rd year and I was seriously bothered. We had a very serious misunderstanding still from this kind of issue few months before we got married. At a point I asked her if I’m difficult and she told me that I nag. It was very embarrassing but when I the dictionary definition of nagging again which states that “(of a person) constantly harassing someone to do something”, then I agreed that I did nag. Then I realized how easy a partner’s action/inaction could make the other to nag.

Just before we began the process towards marriage I had to extract commitments from her for us to avoid this kind of issues in the future. I had explained how we could have handled situations like this better and the fact that she shouldn’t make it a big deal to apologise and she agreed with me. We got married on 30th December 2015 and we have not had issues since then till few days ago. I told her to stop using an item for cooking due to the health challenge I have with the item when it much in the food. I had previously asked for her to avoid putting too much of it which she agreed but she will fail on about 2 out of 9 meals. It was when I realized she can’t moderate it appropriately I asked her to stop and add it when she eats. She agreed but still won’t stop. I then told her not to have the item in the house at all. She agreed but will still buy it and hide. Even though I had noticed the presence of the item on meals for a while but I got to find some that she had recently bought and hidden in a locker. When I confronted her on it she only argued and asked if I had noticed it being overused recently. Even when I pointed out how bad I felt about her disobeying me she will not see it as a big deal.

I’ve been cold with her for about 2 days now (We talk, but not with the typical high spirit when we are both happy). Yesterday she told me that I have been behaving abnormally and I have not told her what is wrong. Then I used the opportunity to remind her of how she has been disobeying me including that of another incident that I had just refused to be upset about. All she said was that she had agreed to stop which I’m not sure I remembered her saying so. But even if she did, how is it different from the previous instance she accepted but began to hide the item. I believe she should apologize for disobeying me but this is something that she won’t do. As far as she is concerned, she had told me she will stop and expects us to move on and there is nothing to be addressed any further.

Fellow nairalanders, what do you think about this? Is an apology for disobeying me out of place?

We had agreed before marriage not to take our issues to friends or family which I strongly uphold. But at this point, I think we should get opinion of a 3rd party hopefully we can get an objective view on this and either of us can have make necessary adjustment for us to avoid this in the future. She reads selected items that lalasticlala pushes to the front page and I hope she gets to read this too. She will definitely know it’s about us. If I don’t hear her mention seeing it on nairaland, I will deliberately lead her to the thread.

----Modified----
I notice some comments are being directed on the food incidence as if that really is the issue. Please the issue has not always been about food. It's just these last issues that have been about food. There had been an issue with her using bleaching creams, one about her refusing to apply for a sponsorship of her project by an International organization which I pushed for mainly because of the exposure she could get. There had been one about applying for her MSc in a nearby University. Except for the bleaching that she just didn't seem to believe the level of risk involved with the bleaching creams the others she simply won't express her reservation or make objections but just won't act till it becomes annoying then you will know she was not comfortable with it. Meanwhile she had given the impression that she is act or was acting on it. Till date she still regrets where she is having her about to be concluded MSc which could have been avoided if she had opened up on time about her reservation on where I had initially suggested.

The issue is actually more about her not expressing her reservation on a matter and not apologizing when she realizes that she didn't do well. Instead of showing remorse she will simply say we should move on sometimes without even wanting to address the issue.

For those who think I'm controlling. I do let her make her decisions. But I do wish she can share her objections where I make suggestions that she is not comfortable with. When I asked her to get registered for her MSc I had asked her to do so in the Federal University that is about 3mins drive from our house. But that is where she had a BSc and she was not comfortable going there for her MSc. But instead of opening up on her reservation she was just lazy about getting the form and was making enquiry about it from wrong sources till I lost my patience and insisted she go by herself. The school is very close but she didn't even need to trek down. When she got there it was already late entry but I didn't mind. It was when she should have gone to pay that she now raised her reservation but initially hanged it on someone else opinion. I didn't insist. I even tried to assisted her in finding an alternative. But by this time it was only one school that still sold forms for MSc and that is where she is schooling now.