abimbawealth:
What instruction please?

mrk74:
I told her to stop using an item for cooking due to the health challenge I have with the item when it much in the food.

mrk74:

Thanks but please the issue has not always been about food. It's just these last issues that have been about food.
There had been an issue with her using bleaching creams, one about her refusing to apply for a sponsorship of her project by an International organization which I pushed for mainly because of the exposure she could get. There had been one about applying for her MSc in a nearby University. Except for the bleaching that she just didn't seem to believe the level of risk involved with the bleaching creams the others she simply won't express her reservation or make objections but just won't act till it becomes annoying then you will know she was not comfortable with it. Meanwhile she had given the impression that she is act or was acting on it. Till date she still regrets where she is having her about to be concluded MSc which could have been avoided if she had opened up on time about her reservation on where I had initially suggested.

raumdeuter:


Does your wife know about this health challenge? Still deliberately doing it

elektra:
mrk74

You alone are in your situation so you alone knows where it pinches but I feel you are making a hill out of a mole.
Na because of say she no gree reduce salt for food you wan call meeting ontop her head? You said it yourself that she is perfect except for this one flaw, it may be better to allow her have her flaw as she is only human. You have talked and it is not changing. So let it go and enjoy your marriage.
You seem to have taken note that you and your wife communicate things differently and your wife seems to show displeasure by body language\actions rather than words. I commend you for taking to time to study this and even though it is not a trait you like, you can accept it.
Your post about the unripe plantain was very funny, guy you married a good woman who does not like fight. So while she was away, you ate your neighbor's food and now you want her to go and learn how to cook the meal from your neighbor, a fellow woman like her? Oga, your wife is ignoring your request for a reason, it is her way of telling you she is not going to do it. Most women would have been seriously offended by your request.

mrk74:

It's not really about food. It's more about her not speaking up when she has reservation about something and not being willing to apologize when she finally agrees that she didn't do well.

mrk74:


Thanks for your kind words.

We are both quite simple people and very free with each other. Concerning the meal from my neighbours, that was quite long ago, not a recent thing, then I had only told her how I enjoyed it but I didn't have special interest in it. I usually don't like unripe plantain right from youth and she has even been encouraging me for the health benefit. There is a particular porridge delicacy made with unripe plantain that she learnt to prepare and I got to appreciate especially for the health benefits. The idea of the request did not really stem from what my neighbour had given me. And by the way this was a common thing we do. We often dish out food to this our neighbours or invite them over and they often dish food for us too. It wasn't a new thing that should offend my wife. When I made the request, it was initially about vegetable only the idea of the plantain actually came from my cousin who was around the day I went to buy the vegetable myself. It was then that I recalled what my neighbours had prepared with that combination and the fact that I had liked it. And we had unripe plantain in the house that day.

Oga you have pushed your wife into accepting her fate that you nag,because whether she likes it or not,you will nag,but you don't want to accept her own flaws

I do exactly what your wife do to my man,I don't argue with him anymore,I don't just react,because I dislike nagging it makes me uncomfortable,so I try to avoid it by agreeing with his demand when he is around and find a way around the issue without his knowledge.

Its just human adjustment pattern,you just have to accept your wife and adjust.

sorry,no one is perfect.

mrk74:

I had suggested her having the said ingredient as an additive when eating.

This is selfish,you want your wife to add raw ingredient to her meal because you don't like the ingredient in your own meal?
Do you know how raw ingredients like salt,maggi or is it curry and thyme,taste in meals?


Marriage is just slavery,kuku kill me

Ifakiland:
Sometimes I see marriage as a waste of time....u marry an idiot and she keeps making ur life a living hell.
Any gal dat suggest marriage to me I'll so slap teeth off ur mouth....females are demons....see wat one is putting d op tru now!
Just forking wrong....op get ur own camp gas and pot and forking cook ur own meal....don't come and go and die of HBP....d idiot will remarry wen ure gone!

misspicy:

This is selfish,you want your wife to add raw ingredient to her meal because you don't like the ingredient in your own meal?
Do you know how raw ingredients like salt,maggi or is it curry and thyme,taste in meals?


Marriage is just slavery,kuku kill me

misspicy:

Oga you have pushed your wife into accepting her fate that you nag,because whether she likes it or not,you will nag,but you don't want to accept her own flaws

I do exactly what your wife do to my man,I don't argue with him anymore,I don't just react,because I dislike nagging it makes me uncomfortable,so I try to avoid it by agreeing with his demand when he is around and find a way around the issue without his knowledge.

Its just human adjustment pattern,you just have to accept your wife and adjust.

sorry,no one is perfect.

rosalieene:

How old are you? You sound like a kid.
Op comman see this kidult calling your wife an idiot.
But a woman gave birth to you and she married abi. since females are demons, I guess its including all your female family members.
Tomorrow now, when you marry and people refer you back to this statement, you will shylishly say you don't know how it happened.
Be careful of what you say...... My onecent advice tho

rosalieene:

How old are you? You sound like a kid.
Op comman see this kidult calling your wife an idiot.
But a woman gave birth to you and she married abi. since females are demons, I guess its including all your female family members.
Tomorrow now, when you marry and people refer you back to this statement, you will shylishly say you don't know how it happened.
Be careful of what you say...... My onecent advice tho

mrk74:
I've responded on reasonable comments but deliberately ignored his.

mrk74:

She does and actually sympathizes with me when I go through the pains.

queenesthr:
Men always complaining about their wives. Can't men ever grow up?

mrk74:
Please don't just view. I need your suggestions/inputs.

Let me add that I believe in leading by example. I take her suggestions seriously. Where I don't agree we discuss it and I get her to understand and willingly agree with me. The only complain she has ever had pertaining to me was about me calling her by her name (actually short form of her name) instead of her pet name when friends or visitors are around. I just wasn't used to it but I had apologized and adjusted.

cococandy:
'Obey' 'disobey'.

your wife is not a child to demand obedience from. I have a hunch her attitude is a last ditch effort to retain some dignity since you are already treating her like a child.

Change. Engage her like an adult. Talk to her like your mate not your subordinate. I believe you will see some compromise from her.

mrk74:

Thank you very much for your suggestions. I'm very honest in this and I've also tried my best to be objective. She is a wonderful wife and I've boosted to family and friends even before marriage that she is 99% of what I want in a woman and truly she is. Concerning the talk, I had pointed out that we had such a serious talk just before we began our marriage process and I think she had genuinely accepted to adjust and for over a year we didn't get to this point, though I think there must have been some instances I had simply overlooked. As per this very item, it's a very common cooking item that most people can't do without but it gives me running stomach when the quantity is much. My late mother always used it in her cooking but she was very moderate that mistakes were like 1 in 50 times or probably less. I only told her to stop after she can't adjust. And she knows very well the trouble it gives me. But the request is like a sacrifice on her part but the alternative is for her to add this when she wants to eat and the objective will still be achieved. After we've had this slight row and I threatened not to eat her food again, she has again promised not to use it. But from experience, I won't be surprised if she gets back to it after a while. I'm also of the opinion that if she actually apologizes, she will take it more serious and will be more likely to uphold her promise.

mrk74:
I do feel that I’m a very lucky man to have a very compatible lady as my wife. We love each other so well and I strongly believe we were meant for each other. However, I have one issue. When she has issue with a suggestion, request or complain she may agree without stating or discussing her objections but will simply not take the suggestion. Sometimes she will out rightly disobey me. The result will be me complaining severally and eventually getting upset. We hardly have issues, but when we do it’s usually because of something like this. We had dated for about 3 years before marriage. We had no issue in our 1st two years. Not that there was no complain at all but we easily made adjustments to accommodate each other. But there were several instances of this kind of issues in our 3rd year and I was seriously bothered. We had a very serious misunderstanding still from this kind of issue few months before we got married. At a point I asked her if I’m difficult and she told me that I nag. It was very embarrassing but when I the dictionary definition of nagging again which states that “(of a person) constantly harassing someone to do something”, then I agreed that I did nag. Then I realized how easy a partner’s action/inaction could make the other to nag.

Just before we began the process towards marriage I had to extract commitments from her for us to avoid this kind of issues in the future. I had explained how we could have handled situations like this better and the fact that she shouldn’t make it a big deal to apologise and she agreed with me. We got married on 30th December 2015 and we have not had issues since then till few days ago. I told her to stop using an item for cooking due to the health challenge I have with the item when it much in the food. I had previously asked for her to avoid putting too much of it which she agreed but she will fail on about 2 out of 9 meals. It was when I realized she can’t moderate it appropriately I asked her to stop and add it when she eats. She agreed but still won’t stop. I then told her not to have the item in the house at all. She agreed but will still buy it and hide. Even though I had noticed the presence of the item on meals for a while but I got to find some that she had recently bought and hidden in a locker. When I confronted her on it she only argued and asked if I had noticed it being overused recently. Even when I pointed out how bad I felt about her disobeying me she will not see it as a big deal.

I’ve been cold with her for about 2 days now (We talk, but not with the typical high spirit when we are both happy). Yesterday she told me that I have been behaving abnormally and I have not told her what is wrong. Then I used the opportunity to remind her of how she has been disobeying me including that of another incident that I had just refused to be upset about. All she said was that she had agreed to stop which I’m not sure I remembered her saying so. But even if she did, how is it different from the previous instance she accepted but began to hide the item. I believe she should apologize for disobeying me but this is something that she won’t do. As far as she is concerned, she had told me she will stop and expects us to move on and there is nothing to be addressed any further.

Fellow nairalanders, what do you think about this? Is an apology for disobeying me out of place?

We had agreed before marriage not to take our issues to friends or family which I strongly uphold. But at this point, I think we should get opinion of a 3rd party hopefully we can get an objective view on this and either of us can have make necessary adjustment for us to avoid this in the future. She reads selected items that lalasticlala pushes to the front page and I hope she gets to read this too. She will definitely know it’s about us. If I don’t hear her mention seeing it on nairaland, I will deliberately lead her to the thread.

----Modified----
I notice some comments are being directed on the food incidence as if that really is the issue. Please the issue has not always been about food. It's just these last issues that have been about food. There had been an issue with her using bleaching creams, one about her refusing to apply for a sponsorship of her project by an International organization which I pushed for mainly because of the exposure she could get. There had been one about applying for her MSc in a nearby University. Except for the bleaching that she just didn't seem to believe the level of risk involved with the bleaching creams the others she simply won't express her reservation or make objections but just won't act till it becomes annoying then you will know she was not comfortable with it. Meanwhile she had given the impression that she is act or was acting on it. Till date she still regrets where she is having her about to be concluded MSc which could have been avoided if she had opened up on time about her reservation on where I had initially suggested.

The issue is actually more about her not expressing her reservation on a matter and not apologizing when she realizes that she didn't do well. Instead of showing remorse she will simply say we should move on sometimes without even wanting to address the issue.

For those who think I'm controlling. I do let her make her decisions. But I do wish she can share her objections where I make suggestions that she is not comfortable with. When I asked her to get registered for her MSc I had asked her to do so in the Federal University that is about 3mins drive from our house. But that is where she had a BSc and she was not comfortable going there for her MSc. But instead of opening up on her reservation she was just lazy about getting the form and was making enquiry about it from wrong sources till I lost my patience and insisted she go by herself. The school is very close but she didn't even need to trek down. When she got there it was already late entry but I didn't mind. It was when she should have gone to pay that she now raised her reservation but initially hanged it on someone else opinion. I didn't insist. I even tried to assisted her in finding an alternative. But by this time it was only one school that still sold forms for MSc and that is where she is schooling now.

Ujoan:


It's worrisome that a woman will know that something affects her husband's health and still do it.

I think this issue is deeper than it looks.

Or maybe she doesn't believe that the 'ingredient' is the real cause of your pains.

general111:
op I had an ex who behaved exactly like your wife. Full of ego and pride. I had to teach her how to say sorry.
Each time she offended me, I knew she would want to say sorry at a point but just could not voice it. So I would go close to her, hold her waist or her lips and jokingly ask her to say sorry. Sometimes, she will want to play hard to get in it too, but I will keep insisting till she spills it out. Gradually she began to lsay sorry.
Op, she is your wife and your other half, you should complement her ,sir. if she can't say sorry then teach her how to say it in a loving way. Blv me it works, and she will love you more. Till today my ex still misses me..

BuddhaPalm:


Imagine if every time someone arrives late to work, the boss ONLY says some words (with no implied consequence behind them), and asks for an apology

...order will break down...

Productivity will suffer as people will get to work, everyday, by 3:59 PM - or not all.

If your wife's boss tells her, once, never to smoke in the office again, he will only need to say it that one time, and she would never repeat it.

Why?

Because there will be a swift and unforgiving consequence...

Consequences are what keep civilization in orbit.

Remove it and people will behead their neighbours, torch others properties and loot markets...


Although both relationships are different, the dynamic behind why your wife will comply with her boss' request command and not yours is the same...

Psychology 101: People take action that moves them towards pleasure or away from pain.

If all you'd do is whine, with there being no repercussion, then there is no motivation for her to stop.

If she adds the offending ingredient in the food, don't whine, don't complain. Simply don't eat it...because it genuinely upsets your stomach.

The same way you wouldn't drink a glass of laxative, if she serves you that in place of coffee.


You might ask, "so how is not eating the food a potent consequence?"

Oh it is! But not by itself...

You see, it is your sacred duty, as a man, to "escalate her escalation". If she gives your peace of mind, feminine sunshine and compliance, you take these up a notch and reward her accordingly.

On the other hand, if she gives you unpleasantness and discomfort...

You don't play chicken.

You escalate this too and reward her accordingly. "To be prepared for war is one of the most effective means of preserving peace", said George Washington.

See, whenever she puts that stuff in your food, she's essentially not giving you food. And if she's not feeding you, she isn't being wifely. And if she isn't being wifely, you stop being husbandly.

You can appeal to people's sense of duty, responsibility and fairness, until the cows come home, and they will still take you for granted and do as it pleases them.

But add one ounce of repercussion to the equation and their behaviour lines up nicely.

"Speak softly, but carry a big stick" ------ Teddy Roosevelt

mrk74:

Thanks very much. I'm already making efforts on this though not by the same approach.

mrk74:
I do feel that I’m a very lucky man to have a very compatible lady as my wife. We love each other so well and I strongly believe we were meant for each other. However, I have one issue.

d33types:

Oga, my fiance is exactly this as well.we are perfect except for this same attitude .
I hope to learn from you