I do feel that I’m a very lucky man to have a very compatible lady as my wife. We love each other so well and I strongly believe we were meant for each other. However, I have one issue. When she has issue with a suggestion, request or complain she may agree without stating or discussing her objections but will simply not take the suggestion. Sometimes she will out rightly disobey me. The result will be me complaining severally and eventually getting upset. We hardly have issues, but when we do it’s usually because of something like this. We had dated for about 3 years before marriage. We had no issue in our 1st two years. Not that there was no complain at all but we easily made adjustments to accommodate each other. But there were several instances of this kind of issues in our 3rd year and I was seriously bothered. We had a very serious misunderstanding still from this kind of issue few months before we got married. At a point I asked her if I’m difficult and she told me that I nag. It was very embarrassing but when I the dictionary definition of nagging again which states that “(of a person) constantly harassing someone to do something”, then I agreed that I did nag. Then I realized how easy a partner’s action/inaction could make the other to nag.

Just before we began the process towards marriage I had to extract commitments from her for us to avoid this kind of issues in the future. I had explained how we could have handled situations like this better and the fact that she shouldn’t make it a big deal to apologise and she agreed with me. We got married on 30th December 2015 and we have not had issues since then till few days ago. I told her to stop using an item for cooking due to the health challenge I have with the item when it much in the food. I had previously asked for her to avoid putting too much of it which she agreed but she will fail on about 2 out of 9 meals. It was when I realized she can’t moderate it appropriately I asked her to stop and add it when she eats. She agreed but still won’t stop. I then told her not to have the item in the house at all. She agreed but will still buy it and hide. Even though I had noticed the presence of the item on meals for a while but I got to find some that she had recently bought and hidden in a locker. When I confronted her on it she only argued and asked if I had noticed it being overused recently. Even when I pointed out how bad I felt about her disobeying me she will not see it as a big deal.

I’ve been cold with her for about 2 days now (We talk, but not with the typical high spirit when we are both happy). Yesterday she told me that I have been behaving abnormally and I have not told her what is wrong. Then I used the opportunity to remind her of how she has been disobeying me including that of another incident that I had just refused to be upset about. All she said was that she had agreed to stop which I’m not sure I remembered her saying so. But even if she did, how is it different from the previous instance she accepted but began to hide the item. I believe she should apologize for disobeying me but this is something that she won’t do. As far as she is concerned, she had told me she will stop and expects us to move on and there is nothing to be addressed any further.

Fellow nairalanders, what do you think about this? Is an apology for disobeying me out of place?

We had agreed before marriage not to take our issues to friends or family which I strongly uphold. But at this point, I think we should get opinion of a 3rd party hopefully we can get an objective view on this and either of us can have make necessary adjustment for us to avoid this in the future. She reads selected items that lalasticlala pushes to the front page and I hope she gets to read this too. She will definitely know it’s about us. If I don’t hear her mention seeing it on nairaland, I will deliberately lead her to the thread.

----Modified----
I notice some comments are being directed on the food incidence as if that really is the issue. Please the issue has not always been about food. It's just these last issues that have been about food. There had been an issue with her using bleaching creams, one about her refusing to apply for a sponsorship of her project by an International organization which I pushed for mainly because of the exposure she could get. There had been one about applying for her MSc in a nearby University. Except for the bleaching that she just didn't seem to believe the level of risk involved with the bleaching creams the others she simply won't express her reservation or make objections but just won't act till it becomes annoying then you will know she was not comfortable with it. Meanwhile she had given the impression that she is act or was acting on it. Till date she still regrets where she is having her about to be concluded MSc which could have been avoided if she had opened up on time about her reservation on where I had initially suggested.

The issue is actually more about her not expressing her reservation on a matter and not apologizing when she realizes that she didn't do well. Instead of showing remorse she will simply say we should move on sometimes without even wanting to address the issue.

For those who think I'm controlling. I do let her make her decisions. But I do wish she can share her objections where I make suggestions that she is not comfortable with. When I asked her to get registered for her MSc I had asked her to do so in the Federal University that is about 3mins drive from our house. But that is where she had a BSc and she was not comfortable going there for her MSc. But instead of opening up on her reservation she was just lazy about getting the form and was making enquiry about it from wrong sources till I lost my patience and insisted she go by herself. The school is very close but she didn't even need to trek down. When she got there it was already late entry but I didn't mind. It was when she should have gone to pay that she now raised her reservation but initially hanged it on someone else opinion. I didn't insist. I even tried to assisted her in finding an alternative. But by this time it was only one school that still sold forms for MSc and that is where she is schooling now.

Please don't just view. I need your suggestions/inputs.

Let me add that I believe in leading by example. I take her suggestions seriously. Where I don't agree we discuss it and I get her to understand and willingly agree with me. The only complain she has ever had pertaining to me was about me calling her by her name (actually short form of her name) instead of her pet name when friends or visitors are around. I just wasn't used to it but I had apologized and adjusted.

I'm a very simple person and I don't shout even when I'm angry. It's only my countenance & tone that would let you know I'm angry. But I don't just get angry instantly. In the last instance I just brought out the item to where I was working in the room. She came back and laughed when she saw it before me. I asked her what the item is doing in the house when I had asked her to stop buying it and she agreed. She responded that she will be using it moderately. She had made this same assertion before but can't keep to it before I told her to stop out rightly. I asked her if she realized that her action is disrespect to me? She said it's not like that that she has promised to reduce the quantity. In all this I was cool and she had all the time to apologize. I only got angry when I told her that I can stop eating her food because of this and she told me that the food I will eat outside will still have the item.

To me the last statement shows defiance. That is what really upset me. If she had apologized, I would have easily consented to her continuing believing that she will take it more serious to be mindful of the quantity.

There's never a good excuse for anyone not to apologize when they are wrong. Your wife might just have an arrogant personality and is not very good with authority figures. most of the time it isn't deliberate, other times it is.
Sometimes even when someone like your wife ends up apologizing,they still think they did you a favour.


You now have to figure out if she's doing all this on purpose or just a trait she hasn't been able to work on.this is something you can live with.
Train yourself not to expect apologies from her,i have done so with many people in my life and we're still cool.

missjo:
There's never a good excuse for anyone not to apologize when they are wrong. Your wife might just have an arrogant personality and is not very good with authority figures. most of the time it isn't deliberate, other times it is.
Sometimes even when someone like your wife ends up apologizing,they still think they did you a favour.


You now have to figure out if she's doing all this on purpose or just a trait she hasn't been able to work on.this is something you can live with.
Train yourself not to expect apologies from her,i have done so with many people in my life and we're still cool.

Thank you very much for this input. Even though she is not really arrogant she does have a bit of ego and seems to hold a view that apology should not be necessary. This is something I want her to change. And I'm hoping that when she see's other people's opinion on this she will be more inclined to adjust.

mrk74:
I do feel that I’m a very lucky man to have a very compatible lady as my wife. We love each other so well and I strongly believe we were meant for each other. However, I have one issue. When she has issue with a suggestion, request or complain she may agree without stating or discussing her objections but will simply not take the suggestion. Sometimes she will out rightly disobey me. The result will be me complaining severally and eventually getting upset. We hardly have issues, but when we do it’s usually because of something like this. We had dated for about 3 years before marriage. We had no issue in our 1st two years. Not that there was no complain at all but we easily made adjustments to accommodate each other. But there were several instances of this kind of issues in our 3rd year and I was seriously bothered. We had a very serious misunderstanding still from this kind of issue few months before we got married. At a point I asked her if I’m difficult and she told me that I nag. It was very embarrassing but when I the dictionary definition of nagging again which states that “(of a person) constantly harassing someone to do something”, then I agreed that I did nag. Then I realized how easy a partner’s action/inaction could make the other to nag.

Just before we began the process towards marriage I had to extract commitments from her for us to avoid this kind of issues in the future. I had explained how we could have handled situations like this better and the fact that she shouldn’t make it a big deal to apologise and she agreed with me. We got married on 30th December 2015 and we have not had issues since then till few days ago. I told her to stop using an item for cooking due to the health challenge I have with the item when it much in the food. I had previously asked for her to avoid putting too much of it which she agreed but she will fail on about 2 out of 9 meals. It was when I realized she can’t moderate it appropriately I asked her to stop and add it when she eats. She agreed but still won’t stop. I then told her not to have the item in the house at all. She agreed but will still buy it and hide. Even though I had noticed the presence of the item on meals for a while but I got to find some that she had recently bought and hidden in a locker. When I confronted her on it she only argued and asked if I had noticed it being overused recently. Even when I pointed out how bad I felt about her disobeying me she will not see it as a big deal.

I’ve been cold with her for about 2 days now (We talk, but not with the typical high spirit when we are both happy). Yesterday she told me that I have been behaving abnormally and I have not told her what is wrong. Then I used the opportunity to remind her of how she has been disobeying me including that of another incident that I had just refused to be upset about. All she said was that she had agreed to stop which I’m not sure I remembered her saying so. But even if she did, how is it different from the previous instance she accepted but began to hide the item. I believe she should apologize for disobeying me but this is something that she won’t do. As far as she is concerned, she had told me she will stop and expects us to move on and there is nothing to be addressed any further.

Fellow nairalanders, what do you think about this? Is an apology for disobeying me out of place?

We had agreed before marriage not to take our issues to friends or family which I strongly uphold. But at this point, I think we should get opinion of a 3rd party hopefully we can get an objective view on this and either of us can have make necessary adjustment for us to avoid this in the future. She reads selected items that lalasticlala pushes to the front page and I hope she gets to read this too. She will definitely know it’s about us. If I don’t hear her mention seeing it on nairaland, I will deliberately lead her to the thread.

First of all..I havent heard your wife's side of the story. So I won't totally blame her. In all matters I know there are always two sides to a coin.


Now from the little I have read I can see you and your wife are two honest loving people trying their best in this union. And that's the key to a lasting marriage.

1. First ensure you carefully filter the suggestions that people will give here (including mine). Be wise. Nl is full of sadistic and occultic folkes.

2. People are different. They also apologise in different ways. Now I don't know ur wife but you will be in the best shoe to know. Some of my friends outrightly apologise. Others come near me and indirectly apologise. Some eben indirectly blame me jokingly and tell me they've forgiven me! Even wen its clear to a blind man that they were annoyed. You have your own way. I have my own way. She has her own way.

Truth is an apology is not out of place. Maturity demands that one should apologise for a wrong act...but wisdom accepts that no two people are the same. Does she show an apology in some other way? If yes...then accept while still trying to show her why a spoken apology is more ideal. If no.....then it is well.

3. To be frank...it is very very wrong for a wife to disobey her husband. In that aspect she was 100 % wrong. Very wrong. But maturity and compromise is needed in marriage in all matters. Since you've talked to her and she doesn't want to listen. Call her and ask her y indeed she really disobeys and uses the product. If the reason isn't holding water....ask her if she will prefer cooking separate pots of food for u too. At least that will help solve the problem. She has her way..u have your way.

3. I admire your patience and love for her. I felt your pain. But now...put aside that pain....and pick understanding and love. Truth is, ideally in all ramifications, she is wrong. But let's forget about that. Try the steps I gave.. Esp the frank talk with her. Find that right time when she is in that emotional state of mind (after sex? Or buying her a gift), and tell/ ask her y she is disobeying u.
Lastly commit it into the hands of God. Only God can help u direct a woman. Because they are the last thing he created, very mysterious, very surprising yet very lovable and emotional.

And madam if and if I say (cos I know there are different sides to a story) what Oga said is true...then remember that only a foolish woman plucks her home down with her own hand. I've seen good marriages break down for issues less than this. Yours will not be so in Jesus name. Amen.

She's just being childish, she should apologize and let peace rain in her home ....I wonder why it's so hard for some people to apologise. No need to get a 3rd party involved. Just ignore her childish act, it's because you're giving her too much attention that's why she's misbehaving, when you stop giving her attention, she will learn

'Obey' 'disobey'.

your wife is not a child to demand obedience from. I have a hunch her attitude is a last ditch effort to retain some dignity since you are already treating her like a child.

Change. Engage her like an adult. Talk to her like your mate not your subordinate. I believe you will see some compromise from her.

nnamdiosu:

3. To be frank...it is very very wrong for a wife to disobey her husband. In that aspect she was 100 % wrong. Very wrong. But maturity and compromise is needed in marriage in all matters. Since you've talked to her and she doesn't want to listen. Call her and ask her y indeed she really disobeys and uses the product. If the reason isn't holding water....ask her if she will prefer cooking separate pots of food for u too. At least that will help solve the problem. She has her way..u jave your way.

Thank you very much for your suggestions. I'm very honest in this and I've also tried my best to be objective. She is a wonderful wife and I've boosted to family and friends even before marriage that she is 99% of what I want in a woman and truly she is. Concerning the talk, I had pointed out that we had such a serious talk just before we began our marriage process and I think she had genuinely accepted to adjust and for over a year we didn't get to this point, though I think there must have been some instances I had simply overlooked. As per this very item, it's a very common cooking item that most people can't do without but it gives me running stomach when the quantity is much. My late mother always used it in her cooking but she was very moderate that mistakes were like 1 in 50 times or probably less. I only told her to stop after she can't adjust. And she knows very well the trouble it gives me. But the request is like a sacrifice on her part but the alternative is for her to add this when she wants to eat and the objective will still be achieved. After we've had this slight row and I threatened not to eat her food again, she has again promised not to use it. But from experience, I won't be surprised if she gets back to it after a while. I'm also of the opinion that if she actually apologizes, she will take it more serious and will be more likely to uphold her promise.

nnamdiosu:

I've seen good marriages break down for issues less than this. Yours will not.be so in Jesus name. Amen.

God forbid us breaking apart.

ItsQuinn:
She's just being childish, she should apologize and let peace rain in her home ....I wonder why it's so hard for some people to apologise. No need to get a 3rd party involved. Just ignore her childish act, it's because you're giving her too much attention that's why she's misbehaving, when you stop giving her attention, she will learn

I've preferred to present it anonymously here instead of involving people who know us. But I don't think any level of attention is too much for partners that love themselves. I just want her make this adjustment which I believe she will eventually do.

Okay

mrk74:

I've preferred to present it anonymously here instead of involving people who know us. But I don't think any level of attention is too much for partners that love themselves. I just want her make this adjustment which I believe she will eventually do.

cococandy:
'Obey' 'disobey'.

your wife is not a child to demand obedience from. I have a hunch her attitude is a last ditch effort to retain some dignity since you are already treating her like a child.

Change. Engage her like an adult. Talk to her like your mate not your subordinate. I believe you will see some compromise from her.

I believe she won't agree that I treat her like a child. I don't always push my views on her, but before marriage she had agreed with me that if we hold divergent views and we are not able to arrive at a common ground then she will consent to mine. Currently I'm the only one earning and she has the freedom to spend without my consent. She only notifies me when money is not at home and she needs to withdraw at the ATM which she has the PIN and knows where the cards are kept. I also always discuss and get her inputs when I want to make any major spending. I've sometimes left the choice of certain things that affect both of us to her. Will she have that freedom if she is a subordinate?

Stop begging for apology, it makes the person less sorry and defensive. Is not easy for a lot of people to apologise and nagging won't make it happen. It is a gradual process, she will learn but you need to stop the nagging. You also can't tell her which ingredient to keep but you can insist on not wanting it in your meal. Next time , just leave the food for her if she adds it.

You are in a nice boat, don't rock it. People like her cannot respond to your orders and aggression, subtle hints and withdrawal pricks their conscience. One day she will apologise and mean it, the one you won't have to beg for. No one is perfect, we are all dented one way or the other.

byvan03:
Stop begging for apology, it makes the person less sorry and defensive. Is not easy for a lot of people to apologise and nagging won't make it happen. It is a gradual process, she will learn but you need to stop the nagging. You also can't tell her which ingredient to keep but you can insist on not wanting it in your meal. Next time , just leave the food for her if she adds it. You are in a nice boat, don't rock it. People like her cannot respond to your orders and aggression, subtle hints and withdrawal pricks their conscience. One day she will apologise and mean it, the one you won't have to beg for.

I think I've only mentioned to her once how an apology will help convince about her genuineness or seriousness. I'm trying my best not to nag (which is very embarrassing). I've once abandoned a meal for her but it didn't really change anything. Aggression and orders may not be right terms as I can't imagine ordering my wife around. Subtle withdrawals do not seem to have any impact and I'm trying to avoid reacting more seriously.

mrk74:

I think I've only mentioned to her once how an apology will help convince about her genuineness or seriousness. I'm trying my best not to nag (which is very embarrassing). I've once abandoned a meal for her but it didn't really change anything. Aggression and orders may not be right terms as I can't imagine ordering my wife around. Subtle withdrawals do not seem to have any impact and I'm trying to avoid reacting more seriously.

Believe me when I tell you that she hurts when you dumped her food but some people are built very defensively. They can't help it, the more they think that you want to punish them, the more determined they are to frustrate you . She will eventually grow, just forget the meal each time she screws up. Maturity in marriage changes a lot of things, stop apologising too. Feel sorry in your mind and amend, she will change . You have a lovely home, but too much expectation hurts more than it repairs. Her flaw is not that bad, she can't be perfect because she is human.

mrk74:

Where?

I removed it.

byvan03:



Believe me when I tell you that she hurts when you dumped her food but some people are built very defensively. They can't help it, the more they think that you want to punish them, the more determined they are to frustrate you . She will eventually grow, just forget the meal each time she screws up. Maturity in marriage changes a lot of things, stop apologising too. Feel sorry in your mind and amend, she will change . You have a lovely home, but too much expectation hurts more than it repairs. Her flaw is not that bad, she can't be perfect because she is human.

Thanks. I really appreciate.

byvan03:



I removed it.

Ok

She has initiated discussion on this. Her approach is to tell me to stop being angry. Then later ask if I'm still angry. She notes that I'm making a big issue out of a little thing. I do agree it is a little thing but her response to it has not been helping which is what I explained to her. She now claims that she is being vulnerable in the relationship. And asks why she will always have to be the one to apologise whenever we have issues. This is really shocking to me. I asked her if she has ever apologized before which she didn't offer an answer. To the best of my knowledge what she will typically do is say stop being angry and sometimes without even addressing the issue that resulted in the annoyance.

She has not made much complain about me. In fact I can only remember one. But if she does I won't give her the opportunity to complain twice. If it's not acceptable to me, then I will want us to discuss it and come to a common ground. I asked her how she will react if I didn't adjust if she made a complain about me and she said she will just keep making the complain at the very instance that I repeat the issue and move on. This is what I've been doing but I'm not comfortable complaining on the same issue more than 3 times.

For some weeks now I've asked her to prepare unripe plantain with vegetable for me but she has not done so. When she was away in school where she is running her Msc, a friend who is also a neighbour had given that to me and I liked it. Initially she said she didn't understand how it's prepared and I explained what it looked like and we even agreed that we can discuss it with my friend and the wife (who happens to be from her village and their families know each other). But ever since she has refused to by vegetables whenever she goes to the market. I've asked severally and she'll give one flimsy reason or the other. Today she says that I shouldn't expect her to alter plans she had for other things to cook that. This is one of the things she has been saying.

---Modified ----
Some day last week I went and bought the vegetable myself. I wanted to buy N500 worth but she said it would be too much and a female cousin of mine who was around insisted that it will be too much. They said it should be N100 or N200 but they were still concerned about the N200 quantity. I can't remember which I had bought but when I brought it my wife prepared it as if it were soup for eba and we ended up eating it as soup. I didn't mind that she didn't use plantain as this was just an option. The most important thing was the vegetable. We laughed about the outcome but I pointed out that it wasn't what I expected. That I actually wanted an inexpensive thing that can be made often just for the health benefit. She said she had noted it but she has been to the market since then and even bought vegetable to make soup but not enough for what I asked for. Yesterday she was at the market again but still won't buy vegetables. When I asked today she said she made the vegetable soup because of my request. I don't understand what exactly is the problem, but it seems she just didn't take the request serious.

Well yesterday I took permission from my friend and asked the wife to help me prepare the vegetable with plantain and she did it for me today. I was careful not to indicate that there is a problem, instead told her it was to make it easy for her to have an idea what it looks like. When my wife asked me I told her someone else prepared what she had refused to prepare for me. She didn't say anything. Hours later she told me she is embarrassed about it. I just hope that will make her take my request serious in the future.

Looks like the person who posted the following that is now on front page had read through this thread.
https://www.nairaland.com/3388415/10-health-benefits-unripe-plantain

how a food is cooked shouldn't be a problem, you've told her to stop putting some condiments inside your food and she is going against your wish. Is that the problem? and she refused? if that's the case, get into the kitchen and cook your food the way you like it. Marriage is all about compromise between two different individuals. The delicacy you enjoy might not be the delicacy you enjoy, she is meant to know this and bridge the gap. I don't eat some certain food, soup and fruits myself cuz I'm allergic to them. Your wife should compromise in the food department and you both should learn to say I'm sorry to each other whenever you are wrong.

Been in such shoes and I can say disobedience/refusal to apologize brings a lotta conflict! A very simple trick did the magic: ADJUSTMENT!
Oga and Madam need adjustment in their lives for peace to reign, shikena!

You married a good woman.

She wants you to lead her.

You don't demand for respect,you command it by earning it.

You need to up your leadership qualities cos it's getting obsolete and if care is not taken,you shall have a greater rebellion to handle from her.

Also learn how to penetrate her soul and crumble all walls of pride and stubbornness in her.

You MUST be quick about all these before the kids starts popping out.

You guys are having these issues because you're still in the "We Just Got married" phase. You seem more angry about the fact she disobeyed you rather than what she actually did. The unripe plantain with vegetables, c'mon dude, what were you expecting? If she comes to tell you "this is how the neighbour's husband plans his finances and I really like it and you should do it too", won't a little part of your mind go "are you comparing us or trying to tell me you're not happy with what I'm doing??". Be honest.

So you guys need to learn how to say things properly. Byvan03 is right, this will eventually change. She is refusing to apologise because she grew up in our society with her eyes open. And truly, it would scare even a submissive girl to read NL's general misogyny and not be afraid that you expressing your honest feelings and demanding she do the right thing becomes her apprehensively apologising for your cheating one day. If you think it's a lie, I'm sure you're using the words "she's disobedient" because you also grew up in our society with your eyes open and you think every minor feminine infraction needs to be nipped in the bud swiftly or she will become a Princess and a Feminist (which...is really hard ti be, if one truly understands feminism, but I won't digress).

Next time she cooks with ingredients you don't like, simply don't eat. Don't make a fuss, just say you're not hungry and go make yourself something else. When she eventually comes to ask what's wrong (and if she's reading this), tell her:

"I'm not one of those guys. I'm not going to turn your life into a living hell and force you to smile through it. I love you, but when you refuse to listen to me or don't apologise, it hurts and it makes me think maybe I should start messing you up like those guys. It makes me feel unvalued, don't use your hand to spoil anything because you are afraid of the unknown. So from here on, we are going to work on things: we will not let the sun rise on our anger, we will apologise once we are calm. Don't sweep it under the carpet until it comes as a fire to burn our lives down. As for that unripe plantain dish, why not we check on Food section and see if we can learn it there?".

Does this sound good?

Could the ingredient be ..


salt?

Op, you mean salt? or pepper? Pepper can be understood but a saltless food is more or less punishment.

You must seek her understanding if it be salt issues and not punish her for a crime she didn't commit.

Did u read the instruction?

abimbawealth:

Could it be white Maggi?onga or ogiri?looks like she loves whatever it is,so she is not disobeying but I think she can't do without it,you guys should reach a compromise

Haba, you are a lady why would a man say she shouldn't add salt, stop the mocking he needs your suggestions

Jobia:
Could the ingredient be ..


salt?

Is this all about the ingredient she has refused to stop adding to your meal or something else?? What about if she loves the said ingredient in her meals?
See, marriage is about compromise, so I think you guys should both come to a compromise.
I don't like fish or any meal cooked with fish for instance, but that shouldn't make me force my preference on people who love it.
I can't really see an issue here, you wife should be your friend, joke about it with her and you can help out in the kitchen too sometimes

Chubhie:
Op, you mean salt? or pepper? Pepper can be understood but a saltless food is more or less punishment.

You must seek her understanding if it be salt issues and not punish her for a crime she didn't commit.

She added maggi.


You ate unripe plantain with vegetables from your neighbour and you are proud to say instead of buying the ingredients and showing your wife how it is done? Smh.


Whoever offended who should apologize and guy...should stop listening to neighbours.