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How Do I Handle A Toxic Bullying Adult Child? - Family (2) - Nairaland

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Re: How Do I Handle A Toxic Bullying Adult Child? by ChynoBEATS: 5:34pm On Oct 23, 2016
julianadada:
he's my biological child, and we have tried to support him in all forms but he just wants to remain a bully

Well maa'm I can tell he's frustrated N that's why there's too much hate in his heart.....yes u may have done your best but still I think he has been deprived of something very dear to him....







But still I knw he can change.....

Please maa'm keep praying for him....



julianadada:

.... is there any law enforcement agent that can handle him if he happens to lay hands on his father or anyone else?
Lol ... Madam... Well u can report him to the air-force base so they can adjust his senses with some crazy punishments cheesy ....


Its not advisable tho .....
Re: How Do I Handle A Toxic Bullying Adult Child? by BIGGMAMA: 5:36pm On Oct 23, 2016
I am very sorry for what you are going through Ma. I am lost for words.


Cc. Cococandy
Ifalways
Efemena

Make una come biko
Re: How Do I Handle A Toxic Bullying Adult Child? by Richy4(m): 5:36pm On Oct 23, 2016
jideprof:


female taekwondo instructor grin

My brother, what do you want me to say... if regular girls comes his way, he will mistreat them..and they will be trash before him.. but a Taekwondo instructor will hold her own...and sometimes teach him that the fear of a female martial art instructor is the beginning of wisdom abi how u see am.. cheesy

2 Likes

Re: How Do I Handle A Toxic Bullying Adult Child? by jideprof: 5:38pm On Oct 23, 2016
Richy4:


My brother, what do you want me to say... if regular girls comes his way, he will mistreat them..and they will be trash before him.. but a Taekwondo instructor will hold her own...and sometimes teach him that the fear of a female martial art instructor is the beginning of wisdom abi how u see am.. cheesy

Na so o my brother. but how will she even get a woman for him in the first place. I doubt if a woman that knows him will ever attempt to get married to him.

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Re: How Do I Handle A Toxic Bullying Adult Child? by Nobody: 5:39pm On Oct 23, 2016
Richy4:
[b]My guess was that he did not feel loved while growing up.... He was taunted by his father a lot as someone that will never matter in live and you as the step mum did basically next to nothing about that I guess..... and he felt his siblings was the ones that was loved....He saw his siblings as rivals, saw they were progressing and decide to give up.... hence he results to rebel and did not wanna do any thing for himself...that's the possible explanation that could result to him having the effrontery to do what he is doing....

Maybe showing him love and kindness will be the best therapy for him... I know that this is not an African thing.. we show our kind of love in a strange ways....If you feel that he is turning around a little, just ask him what he feel he can do in business wise..try to engage him in a conversation like he was normal just like the way u would do yours...it will be difficult but give it a go....

but I think u guys did not catch him early enough....The damage has been done except if he decide to hand himself to a therapist...Some people will tell you to pray.... but prayer without work is death.....Oh!, do not even think of bringing a wife to him thinking she will change him... that does not work much except if she is in military or a female Taekwondo instructor...[/b]. smiley

Where did she say she was his step mum?

You seem to be making a lot of unfounded assumptions.

7 Likes

Re: How Do I Handle A Toxic Bullying Adult Child? by Bizibi(m): 5:40pm On Oct 23, 2016
Richy4:


[b]It is always easy to type and write someone else's kids off but the person doing that will never write his own off. just saying this because I saw someone that typed those words and I felt really bad.... there's no one that is a lost cause... miracle do happen. besides, those that studied therapy will be out of job if everyone should right their kids off..... He needs love from all of you black-sheep or not...I know that something went wrong along the line when he was a kid. assuming the root of the matter was uprooted at that time, it would not have degenerated to this...and I am sorry because I made a wide guess that you were the step mum because of the way you presented it..

The best you can do for him is to look for an accommodation for him, pay for 6months and remind him of his age... tell him that he is now a man and he should start up a family of his own.. that that was why you rented the place.... Just say and do what every normal mother will do for their children but do not feel he was a lost-cause....[/b]
abeg forget all this talk,some people issues are not normal at all, there is one right now that is heading that way,a chronic dropout, went to five
schools,hanging out with young teens,went to rehab still no result.his age mates are doing well but his own his a different case,the parents have tried everything possible......no need doing all that,
nature have a way of making them wise up.
Re: How Do I Handle A Toxic Bullying Adult Child? by Richy4(m): 5:42pm On Oct 23, 2016
Henrypraise:


judging from wat I read from d original op, wat u said here is rubbish, n stop trying to make d aged woman feel bad or guilty.

madam @ original op, pls pray n pray for d boy, be him ur son or not. continually show love tru a action n reaction approach, i.e any of his actions should be rewarded or punished. m guessing he still rely on u n ur husband for finance dat shud be a gud tool u can use.


You know that you can always drop your idea without rubbishing another's opinion and ideas...the thread was a free space and can accommodate every one..and I did not see what you wrote here that i did not add... maybe you have comprehension issues you need to work on.

1 Like

Re: How Do I Handle A Toxic Bullying Adult Child? by Jethrolite(m): 5:42pm On Oct 23, 2016
julianadada:
Hello everyone, I have a toxic bullying adult child that all he does
Send me a PM.
Re: How Do I Handle A Toxic Bullying Adult Child? by Richy4(m): 5:45pm On Oct 23, 2016
Ujoan:


Where did she say she was his step mum?

You seem to be making a lot of unfounded assumptions.

If you know the meaning of guessing, you will not ask this question...
Re: How Do I Handle A Toxic Bullying Adult Child? by Nobody: 5:46pm On Oct 23, 2016
julianadada:
@ richy4 he's my biological child, and we have tried to support him in all forms but he just wants to remain a bully .... is there any law enforcement agent that can handle him if he happens to lay hands on his father or anyone else?
.

Thanks for clarifying this.

I think much like Freud people alway think that everyone's misbehavior is as a result of their upbringing. While that obviously plays a huge role, it doesn't necessarily mean that the parents did something wrong while raising them.

Some kids are just bad eggs and there's really not much one can do to change that.

I however think in this case , that you and your husband are enablers to this man. I mean at 37 years he still lives with you and does nothing to provide for himself. Next thing you guys will do will be to get her a wife to distribute more of his viciousness to.

The guy is a grown a55 man, please kick him out of your home. Lock him up if he tries something funny and let him cool off his heels in jail for some time

Though love is all he needs.

2 Likes

Re: How Do I Handle A Toxic Bullying Adult Child? by Nobody: 5:48pm On Oct 23, 2016
Richy4:


If you know the meaning of guessing, you will not ask this question...

Yes but a guess is often derived from facts. Yours was clearly unfounded.. . . . More like being pulled from the sky.
Re: How Do I Handle A Toxic Bullying Adult Child? by Nobody: 5:49pm On Oct 23, 2016
.....
Re: How Do I Handle A Toxic Bullying Adult Child? by Richy4(m): 5:57pm On Oct 23, 2016
Ujoan:


Yes buy a guess is often derived from facts. Yours was clearly unfounded.. . . . More like being pulled from the sky.


I do not really wanna argue with you...You are basically gearing up for a silly argument which doesn't make sense to me...I know you have never made a guess before because you were all knowing...But I want to beg you on one thing, work on your comprehension issues...it will help u.. have a good day
Re: How Do I Handle A Toxic Bullying Adult Child? by MrBLING(m): 5:59pm On Oct 23, 2016
Suggestions

1. Kick him out of the house. At 37 he should not be living under his parents roof.

2. Set and enforce boundaries. Don't give in to unreasonable demands. When you reach a decision, stick by it and ensure you and your husband always make same decision and not contradict each other. He can play one against the other.

3. He should get married, have a child. When he realizes that he has a responsibility and mouth to feed, can make him sit up and reduce reckless living.

4. What about joining the military. He would be in the barracks, a confined environment away from dangers that lurk in the streets, and the military bosses and enforce discipline. However given his age, he may be too old to enlist. This is Nigeria though where anything can happen.

5. His problems may be genetic. He may have a learning difficulty, antisocial personality disorder, depression etc. He should have a comprehensive psychological and psychiatric assessment. There might be role for medications. Usually people with confrontational tendencies don't do well with counselling.

Good luck and God bless.
Re: How Do I Handle A Toxic Bullying Adult Child? by Nobody: 6:04pm On Oct 23, 2016
julianadada:
@ richy4 he's my biological child, and we have tried to support him in all forms but he just wants to remain a bully .... is there any law enforcement agent that can handle him if he happens to lay hands on his father or anyone else?
Get some local vigilantes in your area or even the police let them deal with him.
Re: How Do I Handle A Toxic Bullying Adult Child? by Nobody: 6:07pm On Oct 23, 2016
Richy4:


I do not really wanna argue with you...You are basically gearing up for a silly argument which doesn't make sense to me...I know you have never made a guess before because you were all knowing...But I want to beg you on one thing, work on your comprehension issues...it will help u.. have a good day

So I'm the bad guy here? Is that how you want to play it?

You completely made a rash and judgemental accusation agasint this woman based on your own myopic way of reasoning, and judging from the number of likes you got already, people were buying into your B'S, but no, I'm the terrible person here.

If it turned out that this woman was indeed his step mum, your seemingly harmless 'guess' would have totally destroyed her reputation and the authenticity of her complaints. And yet you know nothing about her, you were just guessing! ! You would have just decided that she was a bad step mum and didn't do her best raising that man because he wasn't hers, when infact you could have been totally and completely wrong.

So maybe next time you feel like making a guess, you could do us all a favour and DON'T! !!

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Re: How Do I Handle A Toxic Bullying Adult Child? by Regisster: 6:08pm On Oct 23, 2016
Sometimes it's easier to sit down and conclude that some people didn't try their best as parents in the upbringing of their kids, but I beg to differ, YOU CAN FORCE A HORSE TO THE RIVER BUT YOU CAN'T FORCE IT TO DRINK WATER

I can relate to this situation cos I'm in one myself, I have a brother of the same age living with my parents, and he has kids himself(plenty children).he smokes weed, have no serious thing he's doing and doesn't care, cos as bad as it can get, my parents still feed him.

He's 37, some would say what were the parents looking at before it got this bad, trust me, our parents did their best, there's virtually nothing they didn't try prayers, soldiers, etc(trust me if you've ever had a problem/challenge, a thousand and one people will offer differentst solutions) in short he got the very best of everything they had to offer, and we're not a polygamous family oh,

Money was gathered to rent a place for him, the landlord complained about him, when the rent expired, he was served a quit notice, now he's back in the house with the kids(he didn't go with them)

The situation we find ourselves in today is as a result of the choices we made in the past, and when it backfires on us, we look for who to put the blame on, then you hear talks like, it's from the village blah blah blah.......now he threatens our parents on a regular basis and I've been called by neighbors to come and take away my parents before he harms them.

We the other siblings have our own families too.

I/we still pray for him, I believe he can and will eventually change, I still talk to him, show him love and I encourage my parents to do the same, but I believe he alone can make him change if he wants to.

I'm still open to opinions of others, cos anything that can help will be greatly appreciated

It's a sad situation to be in.....

1 Like

Re: How Do I Handle A Toxic Bullying Adult Child? by dapsonlou(m): 6:11pm On Oct 23, 2016
Have you ever consider that some kids are Rotten apply? No matter the love or attention, he will still show his / her true colors

1 Like

Re: How Do I Handle A Toxic Bullying Adult Child? by chacoonder(m): 6:13pm On Oct 23, 2016
Ma'am,this is a very sad case....Last year, just behind my house here in Abuja, a man after consuming his hemp, went for a plank of wood and decended heavily on his mom till he killed her,the rest is now history.I think the first thing you need to do since you said he has even graduated from smoking to selling weed is that you should try and take him to a rehab for clean up, when he's done with that, you can now plan on how to set him up business wise then marriage.
Re: How Do I Handle A Toxic Bullying Adult Child? by Richy4(m): 6:13pm On Oct 23, 2016
Ujoan:


So I'm the bad guy here? Is that how you want to play it?

You completely made a rash and judgemental accusation agasint this woman based on your own myopic way of reasoning, and judging from the number of likes you got already, people were buying into your B'S, but no, I'm the terrible person here.

If it turned out that this woman was indeed his step mum, your seemingly harmless 'guess' would have totally destroyed her reputation and the authenticity of her complaints. And yet you know nothing about her, you were just guessing! ! You would have just decided that she was a bad step mum and didn't do her best raising that man because he wasn't hers, when infact you could have been totally and completely wrong.

So maybe next time you feel like making a guess, you could do us all a favour and DON'T! !!

I am through with u dear... have a good day
Re: How Do I Handle A Toxic Bullying Adult Child? by Nobody: 6:16pm On Oct 23, 2016
Richy4:


I am through with u dear... have a good day

Thanks, have a good day too.

But now will be a good time to edit your post. I see more mentios coming for you. Just a thought . . . cool

2 Likes

Re: How Do I Handle A Toxic Bullying Adult Child? by dapsonlou(m): 6:18pm On Oct 23, 2016
Your Parents are Enablers, that is what ruining your brother. How can they accept a 37 year old thug to be living with them. I understand if he's a responsible guy that fell on Hard times then your Parents can Accept him. I'm sure they are the one still giving him money. Let your mother know he's no longer are baby, but a grown man that needs to find his own way. They need to put him out.
Re: How Do I Handle A Toxic Bullying Adult Child? by Originalsly: 6:29pm On Oct 23, 2016
@Op..... bend the tree while it is young. It is the duty of all parents to bring up their children with certain values, to give them a foundation so they can stand on their own when grown and lead a responsible and productive life. I strongly believe as parents you have been enablers. ...and are still enabling him. You have been providing for him all the yearssss. After his schooling. ... and on becoming an adult... what tasks/conditions was he given if he wanted to remain living under your roof? He is used to doing whatever he wants without consequences.... spoiled to the core... no tough love to set him straight. Now at age 37... when he should be taking care of his parents... here you are still trying to take care of him...now living in fear. Get help from the police or whoever.... toss him out... he's a grown man... let him finally find his own way....whatever life he chooses to live. "You can take the horse to the water but you can't make him drink". ...change comes from within.
Re: How Do I Handle A Toxic Bullying Adult Child? by Annalise(f): 6:31pm On Oct 23, 2016
Mummy don't give yourself ulcer with fasting and please direct your prayer requests to yourself for your own wellbeing. Someone close to me was like that. If he is not suffering from mental illness, things will turn around though it will take a looong time. This guy I know, his mother had to hustle federal government job for him in a place far from where they lived. He later got married at the very ripe age of 43 grin and he is now a responsible person. Please don't allow him know you're stressed about him just continue to enjoy your old age with daddy. Just pretent he doesnt exist. Be happy for no reason around the house. Don't push him to join army as suggested above, we don't need people like this in the army. Get him rehabilitated and away from your city. Shikena. Eku suuru, eku iyanju.

2 Likes

Re: How Do I Handle A Toxic Bullying Adult Child? by emerged01(m): 6:37pm On Oct 23, 2016
Mark 9 vs 29


And he said unto them, This kind can come forth by nothing, but by prayer and fasting. Go into prayer and fasting for him and he will turn a new leave.
Re: How Do I Handle A Toxic Bullying Adult Child? by homesteady(m): 6:52pm On Oct 23, 2016
Please Ma, don't start any form of business for him, it would be better to throw the money into a burning pit!
Re: How Do I Handle A Toxic Bullying Adult Child? by Boldstar(m): 6:58pm On Oct 23, 2016
You must have treated him with kids gloves all these years for him to deteriorate to this stage. Better late than never. Teach him sense! Talk sense to him and if he dare raise an arm against his father, get SARS to arrest him and teach him lesson for one week. After he is released, find a job for him, give him enough money for rent and ask him to get an accommodation within 3 days. If he doesn't after collecting the money, boot him out.

Teach him sense now or he will never learn
Re: How Do I Handle A Toxic Bullying Adult Child? by repogirl(f): 7:01pm On Oct 23, 2016
I don't think sending him to jail would do any good. He might meet up with other thugs and even become worse off.

Like Richy4 said, it's prayer in his case o. Maybe you need to take his issues to a good man of God, there is noone God can't help.

Good luck.
Re: How Do I Handle A Toxic Bullying Adult Child? by Blessograo(f): 7:01pm On Oct 23, 2016
Abeg no disturb yourself get an apartment for him far away from you, tell him it's his a apartment if you can pay his rents every month? Fine it will stop him from visiting you or anyone if you can't pay always tell him you don't want to see him in you house and tell him his job is to feed himself and no one will do that for him and also tell him his father has sold his house just your help pay his rents skills he will not visit his father and if he visit let his father call the police.
Re: How Do I Handle A Toxic Bullying Adult Child? by Theflint1(m): 7:20pm On Oct 23, 2016
julianadada:
Hello everyone, I have a toxic bullying adult child that all he does is to curse and threaten ,he is 37 years old and still lives with me and my husband, he has gone in and out of schools and does not have a form of tertiary education despite the fact that the father and I have, he hit his father about 2 different times before while living with us and still lives with us, he does not have any job, and does not want to get one, all he does is sells hemp and smoke too, My 2 other children are doing very well of very good professions and highly responsible, I wont say I've been an enabler,We raised his other siblings I think he just wants to be wayward and be influenced badly.I am in my sixties and just want to live the rest of my life in peace , the father has decided to leave him without any inheritance , I have noticed all he does is harass and threaten helpless people like the aged parents and younger children , good advice is highly appreciated
ma look for some money and fly him out of the country. My elder bro was quite like that and flying him out gave him and every other person peace.

1 Like

Re: How Do I Handle A Toxic Bullying Adult Child? by COOL10(m): 7:22pm On Oct 23, 2016
julianadada:
Hello everyone, I have a toxic bullying adult child that all he does is to curse and threaten ,he is 37 years old and still lives with me and my husband, he has gone in and out of schools and does not have a form of tertiary education despite the fact that the father and I have, he hit his father about 2 different times before while living with us and still lives with us, he does not have any job, and does not want to get one, all he does is sells hemp and smoke too, My 2 other children are doing very well of very good professions and highly responsible, I wont say I've been an enabler,We raised his other siblings I think he just wants to be wayward and be influenced badly.I am in my sixties and just want to live the rest of my life in peace , the father has decided to leave him without any inheritance , I have noticed all he does is harass and threaten helpless people like the aged parents and younger children , good advice is highly appreciated
. One problem with most nigerian parents is that when they see their children pick up new attitudes they become too quick to judge and blame them. Madame its obvious ur son is emotionally disturbed due to past events in his life. That's the problem with most 'bullies' like u called him. I'm sure he wasnt all like that. Think very well,there must be smtn one of u in ur family if not all of u did directly or indirectly. 4gt pple telling u to do away with him cos he's 37. Like it or not he's stl dat sweet boy u gave birth to after 9 months. Leave his age out. We are all the same age inside. Right now he must be feeling totally left out by u guys and it aint helping matters. Very soon he'll get tired of unleashing his anger on pple and might very well commit suicide. U need to think bacback or better still take the bold step and talk to himas his mom. U'r stl his mom and he might be resistant as 1st but keep on trying with patience and hope. that's if u really want him to change. Take my advice,u wont regret it.

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