julianadada:
Hello everyone, I have a toxic bullying adult child that all he does is to curse and threaten ,he is 37 years old and still lives with me and my husband, he has gone in and out of schools and does not have a form of tertiary education despite the fact that the father and I have, he hit his father about 2 different times before while living with us and still lives with us, he does not have any job, and does not want to get one, all he does is sells hemp and smoke too, My 2 other children are doing very well of very good professions and highly responsible, I wont say I've been an enabler,We raised his other siblings I think he just wants to be wayward and be influenced badly.I am in my sixties and just want to live the rest of my life in peace , the father has decided to leave him without any inheritance , I have noticed all he does is harass and threaten helpless people like the aged parents and younger children , good advice is highly appreciated

Hello and Good evening. This kind of situation calls for nothing but tough love.


You probably have other children, who are doing better. So he doesn't really have no excuse for his behaviour.


If he has no iota of Reverence or respect for his own Biological parent; who will he have it for?? Buhari?? Elders from your village??


Unfortunately my advise isn't a very pleasant one for a parent and from experience (believe me when I say I am speaking from experience counselling others along the same line). It will be very difficult to follow but that is the only option I see.


You have to treat him like a man - because he is no longer a child. He must try to be responsible and held accountable most especially at age 37.


Let his father call him for a sit- down and lay ground rules on what must never happen in your home again - as long as he wants to remain under it.


From keeping late nights, to girls, to smoking or peddling banned substances,
Abusive language, disrespectful behaviour. Discuss with your husband, Put your foot down as a couple. If you two agree 100% body, soul and Spirit it will succeed.


If he flaunts anyone of those rules, confront him and warn him seriously. Of he get violent and attacks anyone physically or he comes in smelling marijuana or is drunk.


Report to the police, lay a civil case, charge him to court and jail him. At the same time, pray for him.


He will have opportunities to be rehabilitated in prison, and ensure he never comes back to your house.


It is either he learns from you as parents or from life outside by experience. Never go to see him in prison and never listen to his pleas for mercy. Else, you have made yourself part of the problem.


When they - prison inmates - hear what took him to prison, the beating he will first get plus introduction to different people who have it tougher in life than he does and are in prison for much more grevious crimes or victims of circumstance - that alone is an eye opener for folks like him.


Prisons in Nigeria is usually a place for the most hopeless of folks, as opposed to prisons elsewhere, they have no right or hope whatsoever. Except for those who turn a new leaf and submit themselves to rehabilitation opportunities.


And then the restrictions that exists, to sleep, eat, urinate, all he needs to do, he requires permission. He will value his liberty and will ahbor whatever he did that brought him to prison. Especiallu if it is wrong.


If you don't do this, you would simply have a transferred that problem to his siblings and in your absence - as in after you depart this world - he will continue from when he stopped and continue to bully others instead; who may not have that authority as you have to take the necessary action required.


Very few people will want to intervene if you go civil but the same cannot be said of your other children, especially if they are afraid of him.


Plus, whatever assets or legacies you leave behind, he may just end up corrupting them, or worst still destroying them and disgracing your family name and heritage in the process.


At the end, he is your responsiblity and if you don't own it and deal with it now. You won't ever and by then, it would just be a bigger problem.


There are those who believe God will intervene and change such people, in my opinion, God requires you to first take the bull by the horns while he supplies you the grace and power to overcome the bull itself.


Prayerfully put your foot down and believe that God will step in and start breaking down his harden heart. If you pray and do nothing and start trying to pet him. He will simply manipulate you people to get what he wants.


This is not about what he wants or what you want, it is about him being responsible, accountable and start a life for himself without being a liability.


If you are afraid that he will attack you or kill you, then it is even the more reason why he must go to jailed or institutionalized for the safety of his parents and those around him. To born pikin no be sin.


As far as I am concerned, a parent has every right to discipline a child who has chosen to remain under his/her roof. Na una born am and na una get right to deal with him if need be. He is not your parent, you are his parent.


If he can try to kill you for trying to let him see the light, then he can kill you for putting too much salt in his food; it makes no difference, that only means he is a murderer and Kirikiri or ikoyi prison is the best place for such people.


I will advise you to do this thing prayerfully because for a mother or a father to see such through, it requires a great deal of courage, discipline and focus to see it through. It also requires a lot of restraint, so that you don't give in to anger and say unnecessary words that are not relevant to the issue.


Those words may be the last he may hear from you in a long time - if you eventually follow my advise - so if they are not relevant to your concerns for his behaviour and attitude towards life. It may scar him for life even when he eventually becomes rehabilitated.


Abandoning him and hoping he will change is a path anybody/parent can follow. My counsel is the part of the brave and courageous.


They faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Faith is in itself a culmination of actions, meaning I don't know what you hope for until I see your faith (actions/steps taken towards long awaited hope) I will know.


I hope this meet you in good stead, may God help you in your travails.........

julianadada:
@ richy4 he's my biological child, and we have tried to support him in all forms but he just wants to remain a bully .... is there any law enforcement agent that can handle him if he happens to lay hands on his father or anyone else?

Yes, please. If he does that again, get him arrested by the police.

In fact, I think you guys shouldn't wait for it to happen again. Get him ejected. The fact that he smokes hemp and is violent makes a real danger.

First of All pray for him second of all find a good time to speak your mind as a backup you can have manpower in an adjacent room in case he flares up.

The bottomline is you have to speak your truth. Fear not for God is with you.

He may feel neglected and sometimes parents tend to favor one or the other in large families also please remember ma he came from your womb he may be messing up now but everyone deserves attention

You have to be strong this is what motherhood is all about finding new ways to actively keep your household ...get him a place but lay some rules and conditions to living there

if he doesn't budge send him to live in a rural area the nature might subtly remind him not to take opportunities for granted. it's like your son is running on a track and field he may be running dead last but you have to cheer him on not take him down

Ujoan:


So I'm the bad guy here? Is that how you want to play it?

You completely made a rash and judgemental accusation agasint this woman based on your own myopic way of reasoning, and judging from the number of likes you got already, people were buying into your B'S, but no, I'm the terrible person here.

If it turned out that this woman was indeed his step mum, your seemingly harmless 'guess' would have totally destroyed her reputation and the authenticity of her complaints. And yet you know nothing about her, you were just guessing! ! You would have just decided that she was a bad step mum and didn't do her best raising that man because he wasn't hers, when infact you could have been totally and completely wrong.

So maybe next time you feel like making a guess, you could do us all a favour and DON'T! !!

1000 likes for you. I couldn't have said it any better.

People trying to justify his actions that he might experience less cordial relationship growing up don't know what they are talking about. Once a child is matured and you have (attempted to) sent him to school then you don't owe him anything. He is man enough, and every grown up man shall be able to take care of himself and his family without anybodoy's assistance. Many have done it and many are doing it.
However I'd advise you tread carefully because from your description he can be dangerous. He wouldn't mind arranging boys to come and rob you.

I can imagine how harrowing this experience must have been for you. Many types of mental disorders either go unnoticed or are simply put down as bad behavior. From the brief description you gave, I will suggest you seek psychiatric assessment for your son. If it turns out as one, the psychiatrist will be able to better inform and educate you of the cause/s and treatment.

@ehissi's advice is very valid. He should be institutionalized or jailed. I've secondary experience, secondary because it is happening to a friend's family. I believe you are living with a time bomb. He will one day physically harm someone, most likely his parents to begin with. He has been indulged far too long and he is far too old for gentle counselling to take hold. Marrying him off would not help as he has an inherent problem. Sending him to military at his age may also not work as he is much too old plus heaven knows some military men are violent enough as they are. That leaves the Nigerian prison. No one will suffer a fool in prison. He needs permission to do virtually everything including eat plus the mere thought of residing within four walls of overcrowded spave can drive anyone nuts. Place a bully in an environment of tough luck and see the bully beaten out of him. Nigerian prison isn't tough luck, it is savage. I'm only worried that putting him in there may have him hate you passionately but if it fixes him then something right came off the mess.

I'm so sorry for what you are experiencing. There is no point trying to figure out where your parenting went wrong, too late for this.

Thank you all for all your kind advice, Please keep them coming!

This is serious.I don't think it's wise though to threaten him with inheritance. He might just do something 'regrettable'.
I have seen a lot of families in such situation and i think one possible solution is to send him abroad to any european country.
Trust me, he will learn to a be a man.

julianadada:
Hello everyone, I have a toxic bullying adult child that all he does is to curse and threaten ,he is 37 years old and still lives with me and my husband, he has gone in and out of schools and does not have a form of tertiary education despite the fact that the father and I have, he hit his father about 2 different times before while living with us and still lives with us, he does not have any job, and does not want to get one, all he does is sells hemp and smoke too, My 2 other children are doing very well of very good professions and highly responsible, I wont say I've been an enabler,We raised his other siblings I think he just wants to be wayward and be influenced badly.I am in my sixties and just want to live the rest of my life in peace , the father has decided to leave him without any inheritance , I have noticed all he does is harass and threaten helpless people like the aged parents and younger children , good advice is highly appreciated

Convince and Send him abroad to somewhere in the middle east if you can afford it. Preferably, Dubai or Qatar on a direct employment visa. I have seen UAE reform many junkies and hardened guys. The society and hard work will change him a lot.



I have my reasons for recommending Direct Employment visa. Some of them are that: he will be busy immediately after arrival and as a result of that won't have time to socialize with many guys in the street that could possibly show him the link to get weed. Most direct employment or labour jobs have their accommodations in the outskirt of the town and uses their staff bus to convey workers to work. He will experience a new lifestyle, and meet people of different nationalities with their unique way of life. He will also be put in check with the tight security in the UAE. The company will keep his passport so it won't be so easy for him to just wake up one day and travel back home.



While he will be there, always call and motivate him. Support him with love and care. If possible be in contact with his employers or colleagues.


If he can stop his use and abuse of drugs i believe it will be much easier for him to reflect on his life status. He will also remember the free comfort he had at home and value it more.



On the downside, he might start taking lots of alcohol or cigarette just to make up for his old habit but in my opinion those are lesser evil. If he dares to figure out how and where to obtain his old addiction over here, then police and CID will catch him if he continues in the habit and that will earn him 5 years jail term on the average.

With this my option, he wil definitely improve or become a better man at the end of 2 years.

He has no responsibility or obligation to anyone.
Ask him what kind of job he can do.
If he tells you, pull all your contacts together and help him get the job in a different state, one that is relatively far from where you are.
Try and convince him to go there.
Help him with transport fare, and some money to help him set up over there.
Then let him be responsible for himself.

zsch:
@ehissi's advice is very valid. He should be institutionalized or jailed. I've secondary experience, secondary because it is happening to a friend's family. I believe you are living with a time bomb. He will one day physically harm someone, most likely his parents to begin with. He has been indulged far too long and he is far too old for gentle counselling to take hold. Marrying him off would not help as he has an inherent problem. Sending him to military at his age may also not work as he is much too old plus heaven knows some military men are violent enough as they are. That leaves the Nigerian prison. No one will suffer a fool in prison. He needs permission to do virtually everything including eat plus the mere thought of residing within four walls of overcrowded spave can drive anyone nuts. Place a bully in an environment of tough luck and see the bully beaten out of him. Nigerian prison isn't tough luck, it is savage. I'm only worried that putting him in there may have him hate you passionately but if it fixes him then something right came off the mess.

I'm so sorry for what you are experiencing. There is no point trying to figure out where your parenting went wrong, too late for this.

Trust me!! There is no iota of love in anything that he is doing now. So it counts for nothing.

The point is that a simple, clear message of "We are fed up of your trashy life; shape up or shape out", must be sent and it must be sent, while the husband is till alive because it is predominantly a man's job.

If the father becomes late today, he could twist the story and make whatever efforts made in that direction look like a tussle for property which will make it difficult to handle him properly then.

Better now than never.

julianadada:
Hello everyone, I have a toxic bullying adult child that all he does is to curse and threaten ,he is 37 years old and still lives with me and my husband, he has gone in and out of schools and does not have a form of tertiary education despite the fact that the father and I have, he hit his father about 2 different times before while living with us and still lives with us, he does not have any job, and does not want to get one, all he does is sells hemp and smoke too, My 2 other children are doing very well of very good professions and highly responsible, I wont say I've been an enabler,We raised his other siblings I think he just wants to be wayward and be influenced badly.I am in my sixties and just want to live the rest of my life in peace , the father has decided to leave him without any inheritance , I have noticed all he does is harass and threaten helpless people like the aged parents and younger children , good advice is highly appreciated

I believe he wasn't always like that...

Maybe what u need to do isn't to blame urself or ur husband but to re-trace your steps back to know the point he started showing signs of deviation from what he used to be...

And try to figure out the root cause of that deviation...

U can not make him change all at once... He is 37 years old and most likely his thought patterns has already been formed..

But at tyms to move forward one has to move backwards..

Just my thoughts anyway..

Truth is, with all due respect, you and his dad caused this! He might be the first child, and his African dad wanted so much from him, like been a doc or an engineer, but he isn't good in any of that, maybe he just wanted to be a musician, and that isn't good enough for the family name! You both started condemning him, calling him names, and makes him hate himself and believed he was a loser, while your two favs excelled and got the most attention! I'm saying this because of the way you emphasised the other siblings are doing and very responsible!

African parents should stop this favouritism in children, they are your children, love them evenly! Some are fast learners while some are slow, school isn't meant for everyone, learning a profession is lucrative too, because John is a doctor and Peter is a cobler, you shouldn't despise because of this, show them equal love!


My advice is for you to send him abroad! Get him a visa, and send him out! He will discover and realised his usefulness oversea.

Like someone here said, your step son saw his siblings as rivals cuz they got much of your love (parents) and i am also thinking his Dad is the architect of his personality and that's why he had the effrontry to hit his dad.

Find out what and who he loves and take it from there.

Every thing bad ohh but one thing no bad. Smoking of hemp i no gree

37 yrs' haba u wud av tackled dis lng ago....tho its vry clear dat he's under some spell.

Originalsly:
@Op..... bend the tree while it is young. It is the duty of all parents to bring up their children with certain values, to give them a foundation so they can stand on their own when grown and lead a responsible and productive life. I strongly believe as parents you have been enablers. ...and are still enabling him. You have been providing for him all the yearssss. After his schooling. ... and on becoming an adult... what tasks/conditions was he given if he wanted to remain living under your roof? He is used to doing whatever he wants without consequences.... spoiled to the core... no tough love to set him straight. Now at age 37... when he should be taking care of his parents... here you are still trying to take care of him...now living in fear. Get help from the police or whoever.... toss him out... he's a grown man... let him finally find his own way....whatever life he chooses to live. "You can take the horse to the water but you can't make him drink". ...change comes from within.

it's easy to blame the parents and tag them enablers... I don't understand why people always do that..

you can force a horse to the river but you can't force it to drink.. some kids are very well brought up with both discipline and love but they will always choose their path.

I have a first hand similar experience with my elder brother who is now late.. it's easy for people to murmur and blame my parents. but we the other children know that my parent tried.
As the first child, he was well loved but disciplined at the same time.. which is what helped me and my siblings become wonderful people in this life.. but then.. he chose his path.. eventually he died (though painful but a tiny bit relieved within me.. ) he was turning into something u can't even4 imagine

booqee:
it's easy to blame the parents and tag them enablers... I don't understand why people always do that..

you can force a horse to the river but you can't force it to drink.. some kids are very well brought up with both discipline and love but they will always choose their path.

I have a first hand similar experience with my elder brother who is now late.. it's easy for people to murmur and blame my parents. but we the other children know that my parent tried.
As the first child, he was well loved but disciplined at the same time.. which is what helped me and my siblings become wonderful people in this life.. but then.. he chose his path.. eventually he died (though painful but a tiny bit relieved within me.. ) he was turning into something u can't even4 imagine

Enablers because they should've cut him loose yearssssss ago.... let him fend for himself. Why are they at this age still providing him with shelter?...they are enabling him.... enabling him to be dependent.

I tow your line my dear. I Feel, his actions are clouded with frustrations but i feel showing him little kindness will help heal the broken heart. And Stop condemning him or seeing him as a failure already or the black sheep of the family....Give Him A Sense Of Belonging And Some Responsibilities At Home.. U will see changes...!!!!

ammyluv2002:
This is tough, but I think you should start up a business of his choice, pay one year rent for a shop and accommodation and let him take responsibility of running the business.

julianadada:
Hello everyone, I have a toxic bullying adult child that all he does is to curse and threaten ,he is 37 years old and still lives with me and my husband, he has gone in and out of schools and does not have a form of tertiary education despite the fact that the father and I have, he hit his father about 2 different times before while living with us and still lives with us, he does not have any job, and does not want to get one, all he does is sells hemp and smoke too, My 2 other children are doing very well of very good professions and highly responsible, I wont say I've been an enabler,We raised his other siblings I think he just wants to be wayward and be influenced badly.I am in my sixties and just want to live the rest of my life in peace , the father has decided to leave him without any inheritance , I have noticed all he does is harass and threaten helpless people like the aged parents and younger children , good advice is highly appreciated

Your son might actually be ill and need medical help as soon as possible. It's safer for him to undergo clinical psychological assessment.

Enlist him in the army, if a business is started for him, he won't value it and it would definitely fall.

I ve seen wayward kids or would I say men straightened up in the military, like kids are been sent to boarding schools when they display attitudes of conflicts in time past.

let him channel his aggressiveness to other officers and see the outcome, if he still does that when he comes home be happy he can't try that in the barracks.

julianadada:
@ richy4 he's my biological child, and we have tried to support him in all forms but he just wants to remain a bully .... is there any law enforcement agent that can handle him if he happens to lay hands on his father or anyone else?

thats where africans parents are getting it all wrong, u can't use force on everything, try to make him feel loved, anything u do to harm him will worsen his situation

Hello OP, it seems your son is into drugs(hard drugs). First of all ma I think you over pampered him as a child. Maybe being the first born you allowed him to have his way too often

I don't understand those who keep saying you should show him love, I think you spoilt him rotten so which love again? Please ignore them

First trick him into enrolling for a substance abuse programme. Do this as if you will reward him with something if he successfully completes the programme

Pray for him continously, prayer works wonders. Then, I recommend you reading The forth dimension by Dr. David Yonggi Cho, you will learn how to change him using your confessions

Well-done ma for your efforts so far, this is why the Bible teaches us against sparing the rod of discipline. It is well with your son and your family.

Regisster:
Sometimes it's easier to sit down and conclude that some people didn't try their best as parents in the upbringing of their kids, but I beg to differ, YOU CAN FORCE A HORSE TO THE RIVER BUT YOU CAN'T FORCE IT TO DRINK WATER

I can relate to this situation cos I'm in one myself, I have a brother of the same age living with my parents, and he has kids himself(plenty children).he smokes weed, have no serious thing he's doing and doesn't care, cos as bad as it can get, my parents still feed him.

He's 37, some would say what were the parents looking at before it got this bad, trust me, our parents did their best, there's virtually nothing they didn't try prayers, soldiers, etc(trust me if you've ever had a problem/challenge, a thousand and one people will offer differentst solutions) in short he got the very best of everything they had to offer, and we're not a polygamous family oh,

Money was gathered to rent a place for him, the landlord complained about him, when the rent expired, he was served a quit notice, now he's back in the house with the kids(he didn't go with them)

The situation we find ourselves in today is as a result of the choices we made in the past, and when it backfires on us, we look for who to put the blame on, then you hear talks like, it's from the village blah blah blah.......now he threatens our parents on a regular basis and I've been called by neighbors to come and take away my parents before he harms them.

We the other siblings have our own families too.

I/we still pray for him, I believe he can and will eventually change, I still talk to him, show him love and I encourage my parents to do the same, but I believe he alone can make him change if he wants to.

I'm still open to opinions of others, cos anything that can help will be greatly appreciated

It's a sad situation to be in.....

He's a drug addict. This is his primary problem. You should enroll him into a substance abuse programme.

Mummy, I doubt there's anyone who's in a better position to handle parenting like you.
So far you and daddy have played your part as parents to ensure ur children get the best. If not your other kids would've been just as bad or close, but they are successful.
Ppl asking u to open a business should realise that the person u described with wreck the business.
Those asking u to drive him outta your house obviously haven't encountered such problems with their own kids (if at all they're even parents). A better solution would be to rent him his own place, like others suggested.
There's A guy whose news was all over NL last month for scamming some high profile politicians using bishop Matthew Kukah's name. He's actually the only son of a late renowned bishop. I know a colleague who's stayed with this guy before and confirmed his character. After his father's death he sold his house that's located in a high brow area in Kaduna for a paltry sum.
His dad even almost disowned him, all of this still didn't help.
All I'm saying is, there's no textbook that provides a solution to this kind of problem, my advise is to tow the religious line.
I know you'll say you've been praying, but PUSH (Pray Until Sth Happens) never lose faith.

I would suggest that until a visible change is seen, he shouldn't get married cos the lady would suffer for it. there is nothing prayer can't do. keep praying for him and continually confess positively over his life no matter the situation. At 37, he should be standing on his own feet and be independent.

He nids thorough deliverance. 37? Enemies at work

But why is he still living at home? Is he clinically deranged? He is 37 for fccuk sake and old enough to be a grandfather in some societies where people grow up fast.

@julianadada;
I have a troublesome uncle like this and he is gradually changing though I attribute a large percentage of the changes to prayer.
This might sound stressful but you need to find out two people in his life and you will know how to handle this issue better: HIS MENTOR IN THE STREET and THE ELDER HE RESPECTS MOST IN THE FAMILY OR AREA. Do not let him leave home yet please and dad should avoid confrontations.
When you know them; meet his mentor without his knowledge and you can get to understand his frame of mind and how he thinks, you will tackle him with wisdom. In fact you will know his personality better.
The most respected elder will help in reshaping when you know what to tackle.
Even if its a job you will provide him or business; you will get to know with time.
In all, don't give yourself h.bp because of this, continue to pray. Go into his room during the midnight when he is deeply asleep, lay your hands upon his head and speak forth your love for him and what you want out of his life. It is well.

I may sound blunt but his case is now a gamble, you need to take, if he is irresponsible without responsibilities, give him responsibilities and see how he changes and adapts within a short time. when he has like 10 irrational people he has to control and ensure they do what is right, he will seldom have time to do what is wrong. he will be very busy from morning to night in fact you yourself will be amazed the way he will become quickly responsible, its simple talk to your two other kids, his dad, pull together some resource sit him down and tell him the plan, ask him if he would love to have an office of his own, manage staffs and render services to earn a living (the idea of being his own boss) will automatically change his mindset, make him take critical decision like suggesting what and how he wants to run or manage is new Enterprise, make him dress smart and visit cooperate institution to file his record, meet corporate persons on the way forward, he will start thinking outside the current box where he his now. in my organization we render cooperate services and professionalism advice, inbox me for more advice. linksye consult services

julianadada:
@ richy4 he's my biological child, and we have tried to support him in all forms but he just wants to remain a bully .... is there any law enforcement agent that can handle him if he happens to lay hands on his father or anyone else?

In such a domestic matter do not think that the use of force will settle the already dark clouds around your family. I'll rather cause more problem in your relationship with your Son, better you channel that energy fighting the enemy that has hold your son at ransome in a spiritual way through Prayers and Fasting, and see the hands of God at work in his life. Never give up trying on him, for not every battle is fought in the physical. And if we'll never gave up on my Kid brother who was an addict to hard drugs and alcohol few years back and today he is a responsible person to himself, family and the larger society. Same faith for a change shall apply to your son's freedom from the chains of the enemy. I'll love to tell you that your son is clearly suffering from frustrations in life and at the same time stuck to his pass and not looking beyond the present into his future. This most have began at a particular level of his growing up. And to him now, he believes that the very individual whom he focus this act of bullying i.e basically his father, could be the epicenter of his failures. He now cover his worries in drugs and alcohol believing it is the only good thing that makes him forget the Pass. I'm not pointing a finger at you for negligence to your responsibilities as parents, believe me not every ills around families this days are from the ordinary. It is a known fact that in the western world, at 18years of age, he is expected to be independent of his parents, by going on to leave on his own but since this is not the west and you do want the best for your "Adult Child" as a Parent, you'll have to first, locate that Initial issue in his life which i believe you know the genesis of it and solve it. You can do that be seeking the help of a clergy man from your religion, a Psychologist or other relivant experts from a rehabilitation center. You can attest to it, he was never like this some time back in his life while growing up and if he is to remain in your house for the time being, then start a home full of laughter around him if it use to be lacking, let him feel Loved and i believe you'll begining to find that peace you seek.