₦airaland Forum

khiaa:
I'm only joking with you. There's noway that I'm prejudice against Nigerians, I wouldn't be here if I were. My heart belongs to a Nigerian. I apologise if I offended you, I was just being silly.

We disagree to agree. . . Don't be too hard on yourself, as for me there's no hard feelings.

Phonefanatic:
With your thinking I see marriage as scam. If she wanted to do things by herself why get married? She could have gotten pregnant without marrying which will give her all the space to do things alone and enjoy her money.

Some guys can be very good and nice if they see they will benefit a lot from you. The lady might have been deceived into commitment. You would not know the heaven on earth that guy promised him during courtship. Might even be serving her breakfast in bed. After marriage, they assume they now own the woman and all her hustle and start forming galadima. Smart woman will not make noise but will use there God gifted sixth sense the likes of Eve and Jezebel used. I always advise my fellow guys not to try disturb the evil in a woman. If a woman decides to plan for you, guy you are finished.

Futureberry:
I can only imagine what your response will be,if the man built a house secretly, the man is always at fault.....the woman knows who the man was yet still went ahead to marry him...the loads of double standard in your writeup is mind blowing, we know gender equality can never be possible, but at least try and condemn what is bad when it is bad...don't support simply because your gender is the defaulting side,your brother,sons or dad might find themselves in these same situations ,will you still go with these narrative.... If your husband build a house without telling you,won't you feel bad ...it always right when it not us involved...

what i understood is that woman already knew the marriage was heading no where, hence the pre arrangements. I am certain something went wrong along the line and I tell you, some people no dey like argument or querrel, they simply take decisions and act on it.

mecussey:
That kind of marriage only works if its handled as business partners or contract. I suggest to guys if they marry a feminist or self made woman...come clean and propose the course as business or contract marriage, trust me both of you will be happy. However, some men will not do that, they will rather hide in the name of am the man and drain the woman like parasites to host. If it then didnt work out the way they want, the will claim victim of bad marriage. I suspect thats the case of the OP. He could be one of those who scream I must marry a working class lady.

It's obvious that you've an erroneous understanding about what true feminism and self-made are all about. For the record, feminism doesn't encourage/mean narcissism, therefore, a narcissist shouldn't automatically be mistaken for a feminist. Also, that a woman is self-made (materially accomplished) doesn't automatically mean that she would become a rudeness and conceit personified, so don't automatically equate self-made with contentiousness. . . Connotations of your submission suggested all I said here - extrapolation isn't a crime. LOL.

Community-ness (a healthy relationship) is achievable between a materially accomplished virtuous woman and noble man - regardless of the noble man's financial standing.

It's only in a relationship where expediency rather than principle is the foundation upon which the union is built on, that a woman will automatically assumes a primus inter pares over a man just because she's more materially accomplished than the man - a virtuous woman that's married to a noble man can never be caught in such an abominable act. Don't worry I'm an egalitarian, a conscientious one.

savagefinder:
I like your so called "logical" thinking but the truth is that we only fight or plan to fight against what we know and sadly the things we plan against are the things we know we are capable of.
We will never know but from the facts stated by the OP, he never had a side chick, he didn't threaten to chase her out of the marriage before then. You point is based on the fact that the "woman is smart"... Crap... The woman is being stingy and secretive, for you not to bring in any money to the house but you go to build a house even brings into question your faithfulness to the bond you and your husband share..because my hands and heart were open and I showed you my house, why can't you tell me about the one you are building? You know what I earn and we share it and you know how I spend it, so why can't we do the same to yours? About this society rules that you claim we created, another crap... We are not the ones that are willing to pay bride price, your parents ask for it.. If she has a house before our marriage, I won't fret.. If she has a house after our marriage, so far I know of it.. I still won't fret.. But you share my money equally as our money but when the time comes, your own becomes your own money and you call it smartness... Sister call a spade a spade, that woman isn't normal, she's mad self,.

I dont know why my mind dont want to pity that man, looks to me he married the babe just bc she got money. If you are not financially stable, why go into marriage? He would have just gone into contract marriage, its just safer.

pcguru1:
Same here I notice a lot of miserable married people, misery while single lot more misery while married, maybe people in NL with positive marriages need to start sharing their stories, but wait what if miserable married people start pretending to have it good so they can lure us into their misery. I'm in despair .......just kidding am sure there are good marriages out there too.

lol...I tell you marriage is sweet ooo, but just like business, make sure you dont do bad one.

Bahamas95:
Haba! Fix what?


He should just move on with his life, the woman ain't loyal.

Yep, at this point the guy should just move on and pretend he never married. Nothing to adjust here, the marriage failed woefully.

LordKO:
It's obvious that you've an erroneous understanding about what true feminism and self-made are all about. For the record, feminism doesn't encourage/mean narcissism, therefore, a narcissist shouldn't automatically be mistaken for a feminist. Also, that a woman is self-made (materially accomplished) doesn't automatically mean that she would become a rudeness and conceit personified, so don't automatically equate self-made with contentiousness. . . Connotations of your submission suggested all I said here - extrapolation isn't a crime. LOL.

Community-ness (a healthy relationship) is achievable between a materially accomplished virtuous woman and noble man - regardless of the noble man's financial standing.

Community-ness is only achievable with rules and regulations...terms and conditions. However, marriage is supposed to be bonded and held by love which is unconditional therefore, when love is missing, healthy relationship will not work without ...terms and conditions, rules and agreement. I can give you examples but i believe you understand. The case of op, there was no love in the first place, but assuming there is, which i will call infatuation then, at the point of my money belongs to me should have told him to bring in terms and agreement on how to make the home work. Therefor, if the partner is not willing to make it work, best to go seperate...and he could have stiched in time to save 9.

mecussey:
Some guys can be very good and nice if they see they will benefit a lot from you. The lady might have been deceived into commitment. You would not know the heaven on earth that guy promised him during courtship. Might even be serving her breakfast in bed. After marriage, they assume they now own the woman and all her hustle and start forming galadima. Smart woman will not make noise but will use there God gifted sixth sense the likes of Eve and Jezebel used. I always advise my fellow guys not to try disturb the evil in a woman. If a woman decides to plan for you, guy you are finished.

You don't get it. No matter what the guy did he still brought all his earnings like most men sacrifice for their family but this woman have secrecy when it comes to what belongs to me is mine.

Her actions are unacceptable no matter how you look at it.

Phonefanatic:
You don't get it. No matter what the guy did he still brought all his earnings like most men sacrifice for their family but this woman have secrecy when it comes to what belongs to me is mine.

Her actions are unacceptable no matter how you look at it.

You just read one side of the story and am just imagining and somehow speaking for the woman. The story get K leg

I see a money wise woman who was misunderstood.

mecussey:
Community-ness is only achievable with rules and regulations...terms and conditions. However, marriage is supposed to be bonded and held by love which is unconditional therefore, when love is missing, healthy relationship will not work without ...terms and conditions, rules and agreement. I can give you examples but i believe you understand. The case of op, there was no love in the first place, but assuming there is, which i will call infatuation then, at the point of my money belongs to me should have told him to bring in terms and agreement on how to make the home work. Therefor, if the partner is not willing to make it work, best to go seperate...and he could have stiched in time to save 9.

Rules and regulations automatically nullifies the meaning of community-ness in a marriage union - mutual altruism, ingenuousness, selflessness and compassion are the four main values that sustain it. They (rules and regulations) can only exist in a marriage union where individuality exist, you encouraged this in your previous submission that I quoted. Healthy relationship is the least thing to expect from a marriage union where individuality exist.

Also, literally and sincerely, sustainable romantic love (real romantic love) can never be unconditional - It can only be selfless (immaterialness of selflessness is what makes it real love). Unconditionality and healthy are parallel, they can never cross each other's path. Real love breeds a healthy relationship because reciprocity of goodness by the two people involved in it is what powers it. But same cannot be said of an assumed unconditional love (diligence is different from suffering and smiling), which realistically is notionally possible but literally impossible.

As for the OP's crashed union, on the contrary to your assertion that there was no love in it from the inception, there was, however it was one-sided (unconditional) from the man. Now you can see why I said that unconditional love and healthy relationship are parallel. It was when he lost his authority catalyst - financial power - that his disingenuous wife showed her true colour. She had conditional love for him, unfortunately her conditions were material rather than immaterial, which means she had superficial love for him.

Both real and superficial love's are conditional, the only difference is that while the former is powered by immaterial things the latter is powered by material things.

LordKO:
Rules and regulation automatically nullifies the meaning of community-ness in a marriage union. They can only exist in a marriage union where individuality exist, you encouraged this in your previous submission that I quoted.

Also, literally and sincerely, sustainable romantic love (real romantic love) can never be unconditional - It can only be selfless (immaterialness of selflessness is what makes it real love). Unconditionality and healthy are parallel, they can never cross each other's path. Real love breeds a healthy relationship because reciprocity of goodness by the two people involved in it is what power's it. But same cannot be said of an assumed unconditional love (diligence is different from suffering and smiling), which realistically is notionally possible but literally impossible.

As for the OP's crashed union, on the contrary to your assertion that there was no love in it from the inception, there was, however it was one-sided (unconditional) from the man. Now you can see why I said that unconditional love and healthy relationship are parallel. It was when he lost his authority catalyst - financial power - that his disingenuous wife showed her true colour. She had conditional love for him, unfortunately her conditions were material rather than immaterial, which means she had superficial love for him.

Both real and superficial love's are conditional, the only difference is that while the former is powered by immaterial things the latter is powered by material things.

You really think the guy loved her unconditionally? Nah, I dont think so. When the wife u loved so much, who claims she has not been paid for the past 6 months and suddenly brings 10m to you, you will be dumb founded in excitement first b4 thinking how come she kept it as secret yet she explained she wanted to suprise you and the first thing u will say is get out of my house? I know what real love is and if u are talking about love here na lie.

mecussey:
Bitter truth...poor traditions that were made centuries ago and when you try to edit or adjust them, you will be called names.

So true. Slaves to tradition rather it's good or bad.

mecussey:
You really think the guy loved her unconditionally? Nah, I dont think so. When the wife u loved so much, who claims she has not been paid for the past 6 months and suddenly brings 10m to you, you will be dumb founded in excitement first b4 thinking how come she kept it as secret yet she explained she wanted to suprise you and the first thing u will say is get out of my house? I know what real love is and if u are talking about love here na lie.

As you can see from all my submissions herein, I never give credence to "unconditional romantic love," instead it's your import. To me unconditional romantic love is akin to foolishness, so I didn't sing praise for the OP. And of course I don't support material based conditional love - superficial love. I'm a pro immaterial-goodness based conditional love - real love.

LordKO:
We disagree to agree. . . Don't be too hard on yourself, as for me there's no hard feelings.

Oh great I found a new friend.

Phonefanatic:
With your thinking I see marriage as scam. If she wanted to do things by herself why get married? She could have gotten pregnant without marrying which will give her all the space to do things alone and enjoy her money.

Some guys can be very good and nice if they see they will benefit a lot from you. The lady might have been deceived into commitment. You would not know the heaven on earth that guy promised him during courtship. Might even be serving her breakfast in bed. After marriage, they assume they now own the woman and all her hustle and start forming galadima. Smart woman will not make noise but will use there God gifted sixth sense the likes of Eve and Jezebel used. I always advise my fellow guys not to try disturb the evil in a woman. If a woman decides to plan for you, guy you are finished.

Not in all cases...have seen cases where the woman pays the bills and she still adores n respects her husband. It all depend on the mindset we bring into marriage

Apina:
As I earlier said, who pays the bills make the rules

My broda, marriage is beautiful, it's sweet. Don't be discourage by the many heart breaking/divorce stories around, we also have a lot of good marriages that both partners are committed to making it work. Like I mention in one of my response, our mindset is imperative in a successful marriage, because marriage is hard work. So don't be scared of getting married, prayerfully, God will lead you to a virtuous woman, and if you don't find one, create one. Its all depend on you.

sweet7oyin:
Nairaland would just make u hate marriage.....nawa o.....na to stay alone

ORAGBON:
Dear Lively Stones,

Last year,my marriage of two years crashed because my wife, Lydia was not straight forward with me when it comes to money and financial matters in our marriage. When I met Lydia about four years ago,she was working with a manufacturing company while I worked with a one man business as a marketing officer. Lydia was earning more than me at the time and frankly speaking,I never saw that as a hindrance. We got married two years after dating. That was when I started noticing the change in Lydia’s character when it comes to money issues. Unfortunately,like a year and half after we got married,my company was not doing too well hence they were late in paying our salaries for several months. While I dated Lydia,I tried my best to provide all it took to woo her. In the first year of our marriage,I noticed that she would always ask me for money to buy everything she needs in the house even though she was earning higher than me. I used to ask her why she does not contribute to the welfare of the house and she would reply me that her money is her money and my money is ours. That she is training her younger ones and sending money to her parents every month. Well, I did not bother too much,I tried to do what I could. However,in the second year of our marriage,when I started having financial difficulties,I couldn’t meet up with most of the responsibilities. That was when Lydia became something else. She would complain and rain insults on me for not giving her money for cooking or other up keep reasons. I used to explain to her that I didn’t have enough as before. She refused to understand and instead complained more. One time,our house rent was due,I asked her to borrow me some money to make up for the house rent but she refused saying that she had borrowed money from her place of work to augment some of the house keeping expenses she made. Anyway,our landlord gave us quite notice and we had to move into a one bedroom apartment from our three bedroom apartment.

A few months later. I ran into a friend of my wife’s family who has been like a family friend too. We met actually in a bus and we got talking,catching up during the bus ride. As we spoke,we talked about family life and he congratulated me on our house that we were building that was almost near completion.

I was stunned!. I asked him: ”what do you mean by our house”?. He responded that he was happy for us that we were almost completing the building of our house in Omole phase 2. I told him,I didn’t know what he was talking about. He obviously realized that he had said something I didn’t know about,he then asked me to speak to my wife. I pressed him further but he said he may have said too much.

When I got home,I asked my wife what the family friend said by congratulating us on the building of our house. She looked shocked but said she does not know what that meant. I asked her if she was building a house,she said no. I then told her I was going to call her father but she insisted I shouldn’t. I did anyway. She grabbed the phone from me and said she got a piece of land that she got very cheap and that she was developing it. She said she wanted to surprise me.

Surprise,indeed I was!…I couldn’t believe what my wife said. She was building a house right under my nose and I didn’t know? The house was near completion? . I told asked her what else was she hiding,she said nothing. I was angry, that I asked her to pack her things and leave my house. I couldn’t believe this lady who always complained that she didn’t have money would do this to me. I lost trust for her.

Surprisingly again,Lydia packed out of the house without making an effort to beg or stay. I was dumbfounded. When I went to see her family a week later,I was told that Lydia had made up her mind to leave the marriage as I was not taking good care of her. They didn’t even look at the fact that Lydia was keeping a huge secret from me.

As I write this,I am still dumbfounded. What kind of woman I ended up with. And where exactly did I go wrong?



From Anonymous,

Lagos.



Question:

What do you think went wrong in this marriage?
Who should be responsible for the financial responsibilities in a home
Is a woman’s money her money alone?
What did the husband do wrong?
Kindly make comments to help the young man in this situation



Jzhane




Source: www.livelystones.com.ng

your wife too dey watch Nigeria Movie. just wanted to act what she watched. she is planning your future. stick to her. my advice though!!

yhemster:
There are always signs of this attitude during the dating phase bt most people aren't diligent enough to notice, talk abt it and work on improvement measures.
@OP, sorry abt the unforeseen events. It's obvious that ur wife wanted Marriage than she being ur partner. She got the title "Mrs" and she waved you bye.
My instinct tells me there's a second source of income for her that you're ignorant abt. Life can be harsh, good luck for the future.

Most times people see the signs but prefer to ignore them

Well you have learnt your lesson, women will always be women, get your money, look for a comfortable lady, not the type that is way above your pay. Forget all those saying, "Not all women will do that" my brother all women are the same, some may not even earn more but because they come from a rich family, anytime there is a problem in the family they pack out.

You did make a mistake, when the relationship started, you mentioned you paid everything, well you started it. You thought it was a one man business, you have to make her understand that the responsibility is to be shared not just blindly paying your way through everything, even if you have the money, involve her except you are begging her, but as far as you and her agrees to be together, then the responsibility most be shared.

Seriously God forbid i marry a Nigerian woman.
Their disgusting attitudes towards money is shocking and unacceptable.. I refuse to relive the many stories of women who never gave a fvck about me when I was in Nigeria compared to the tons I've Fvcked, including married women since living abroad and coming back for holiday.
I repeat, God forbid I marry a Nigerian woman. Quote me, and die in your sleep.

The guy should be happy oh. I am happy for him. His load has been taken away....

wow!

Muafrika2:
I see a money wise woman who was misunderstood.

Bro..Na dictionary u write ooo...I don tire as I dey read and even weak sef....I go need agbara bitters to come back strong....but the small I read...u money issue Una get...go and get a better job....

shikina

habsydiamond:
Bro..Na dictionary u write ooo...I don tire as I dey read and even weak sef....I go need agbara bitters to come back strong....but the small I read...u money issue Una get...go and get a better job....

Which very bad. That's why most nen don't want to allow it.

Left for me there is nothing bad in wife earning more than the husband but how she handles her ego that matters.

Rokia2:
I am a woman but seriously women can be so controlling especially when they earns more.
This is the high of disrespect. Imagine in your own house? My brother you should drop down on your knees immediately and thank God such a marriage didn't work.

Imagine living with such a woman in your old age.

You will die of high blood pressure.

Loan ke, Liability ni

hooklover:
The guy should be happy oh. I am happy for him. His load has been taken away....

This is very wicked.
Its wickedness that could make a lady , a wife do such thing.

ORAGBON:
Dear Lively Stones,

Last year,my marriage of two years crashed because my wife, Lydia was not straight forward with me when it comes to money and financial matters in our marriage. When I met Lydia about four years ago,she was working with a manufacturing company while I worked with a one man business as a marketing officer. Lydia was earning more than me at the time and frankly speaking,I never saw that as a hindrance. We got married two years after dating. That was when I started noticing the change in Lydia’s character when it comes to money issues. Unfortunately,like a year and half after we got married,my company was not doing too well hence they were late in paying our salaries for several months. While I dated Lydia,I tried my best to provide all it took to woo her. In the first year of our marriage,I noticed that she would always ask me for money to buy everything she needs in the house even though she was earning higher than me. I used to ask her why she does not contribute to the welfare of the house and she would reply me that her money is her money and my money is ours. That she is training her younger ones and sending money to her parents every month. Well, I did not bother too much,I tried to do what I could. However,in the second year of our marriage,when I started having financial difficulties,I couldn’t meet up with most of the responsibilities. That was when Lydia became something else. She would complain and rain insults on me for not giving her money for cooking or other up keep reasons. I used to explain to her that I didn’t have enough as before. She refused to understand and instead complained more. One time,our house rent was due,I asked her to borrow me some money to make up for the house rent but she refused saying that she had borrowed money from her place of work to augment some of the house keeping expenses she made. Anyway,our landlord gave us quite notice and we had to move into a one bedroom apartment from our three bedroom apartment.

A few months later. I ran into a friend of my wife’s family who has been like a family friend too. We met actually in a bus and we got talking,catching up during the bus ride. As we spoke,we talked about family life and he congratulated me on our house that we were building that was almost near completion.

I was stunned!. I asked him: ”what do you mean by our house”?. He responded that he was happy for us that we were almost completing the building of our house in Omole phase 2. I told him,I didn’t know what he was talking about. He obviously realized that he had said something I didn’t know about,he then asked me to speak to my wife. I pressed him further but he said he may have said too much.

When I got home,I asked my wife what the family friend said by congratulating us on the building of our house. She looked shocked.....see more




Source: http://livelystones.com.ng/my-two-year-old-marriage-crashed-because-my-wife-of-this/

very serious issue

ORAGBON:
Dear Lively Stones,

Last year,my marriage of two years crashed because my wife, Lydia was not straight forward with me when it comes to money and financial matters in our marriage. When I met Lydia about four years ago,she was working with a manufacturing company while I worked with a one man business as a marketing officer. Lydia was earning more than me at the time and frankly speaking,I never saw that as a hindrance. We got married two years after dating. That was when I started noticing the change in Lydia’s character when it comes to money issues. Unfortunately,like a year and half after we got married,my company was not doing too well hence they were late in paying our salaries for several months. While I dated Lydia,I tried my best to provide all it took to woo her. In the first year of our marriage,I noticed that she would always ask me for money to buy everything she needs in the house even though she was earning higher than me. I used to ask her why she does not contribute to the welfare of the house and she would reply me that her money is her money and my money is ours. That she is training her younger ones and sending money to her parents every month. Well, I did not bother too much,I tried to do what I could. However,in the second year of our marriage,when I started having financial difficulties,I couldn’t meet up with most of the responsibilities. That was when Lydia became something else. She would complain and rain insults on me for not giving her money for cooking or other up keep reasons. I used to explain to her that I didn’t have enough as before. She refused to understand and instead complained more. One time,our house rent was due,I asked her to borrow me some money to make up for the house rent but she refused saying that she had borrowed money from her place of work to augment some of the house keeping expenses she made. Anyway,our landlord gave us quite notice and we had to move into a one bedroom apartment from our three bedroom apartment.

A few months later. I ran into a friend of my wife’s family who has been like a family friend too. We met actually in a bus and we got talking,catching up during the bus ride. As we spoke,we talked about family life and he congratulated me on our house that we were building that was almost near completion.

I was stunned!. I asked him: ”what do you mean by our house”?. He responded that he was happy for us that we were almost completing the building of our house in Omole phase 2. I told him,I didn’t know what he was talking about. He obviously realized that he had said something I didn’t know about,he then asked me to speak to my wife. I pressed him further but he said he may have said too much.

When I got home,I asked my wife what the family friend said by congratulating us on the building of our house. She looked shocked.....see more




Source: http://livelystones.com.ng/my-two-year-old-marriage-crashed-because-my-wife-of-this/

its seriously wrong .

IAMSASHY:
d wife is jst bin carried away by her money, it's so wrong 4 a woman 2 say Dat her money is hers alone, d financial responsibilities in a home cnt b carried by one person alone, both of dem ar dere 2 support each oda, marriage is nt jst meant 4 everybody ,one really needs 2 b very careful b4 saying "I do" wt anybody