₦airaland Forum

dasparrow:
@Post

I hate to break it to you but not everyone will or must marry. Marriage is a CHOICE. Some people do better with a spouse and some people do better on their own. Let me tell you why marriage isn't for everyone.

1. Some people don't like sex. Their dislike for sex might come as a result of suffering from a past traumatic experience such as rape or other forms of sexual abuse. Forget counseling. Once a person has been sexually abused especially in childhood, it affects them even in adulthood. Sex abuse survivors struggle to trust others with their bodies and genitals after experiencing sexual abuse. So what should such people do? Go and marry and stay miserable while their spouse traumatizes them further each time the spouse demands for sex? I don't know about you but that is a crappy way to live. Many people don't mind love, hugging and mild kissing but not everyone likes the idea of having to deal with genital secretions like sperm or vaginal fluids. Not everyone wants to have someone disturbing their genitals. Such people can still enjoy intimate relationships without the sex and the sexually transmitted diseases and sometimes unplanned pregnancies that come with marriage.

2. Not everyone can have sex, literally. I know you may not know this but there are some illnesses that make having sex impossible. When you get a chance google the following medical conditions:

A) Vestibulodynia
B) Vaginismus
C) Vulvodynia
D) Peyronie's disease

Let me just stop at the above 4 illnesses. So, patients suffering from any of the above illnesses and can't have sex should do what? Go and kill themselves? I know of someone who suffers from vaginismus. The lady's condition makes having sex excruciatingly painful and practically impossible. The lady, knowing her condition and lacking the necessary funds to seek specialist treatment in Europe or North America has decided to remain single. Has she committed a crime? I know the bloody Nigerian society will judge her for not being married not knowing her case is more complicated than they can ever imagine.

3. People with mental issues. So since you feel everyone should get married, I guess people who are mentally challenged or suffer from a mental disorder should also get married?

4. People with violent tendencies. So, people with violent tendencies should also get married so that they can beat their spouses to a pulp everyday and raise traumatized children? Do you know why domestic violence is so prevalent in the Nigerian society? Because Nigerians are only concerned about forcing every Tom, Donald, Harry and Jane to get married. Nigerians don't care about creating healthy and happy families because if they did, they won't go about expecting every soul to get married.

Let me tell you, there are many lonely married people out there. It is not advisable to expect your spouse to be your cure to loneliness. That is asking too much. If you stay productive by working, helping out by volunteering in your community, being an active member in any of your church's many departments, traveling worldwide and meeting new people, learning a new culture or language, gardening, writing books, taking care of the elderly etc, you can never be lonely. There is so much to do to keep a person busy.

I will never want to depend on just one person, a so-called spouse for sole companionship because human beings can disappoint you at any time. If the person decides to pack up and leave you today because you are too emotionally needy and clingy, what will you do then? It pays to be emotionally independent and stop depending on mere mortals for your happiness. This is why many Nigerian relationships feel like prison. Nigerians demand too much from their spouses!

As for the Nigerian society, screw them! Why should anyone sacrifice their own happiness all to please society? A society that cannot even boast of providing uninterrupted electricity, access to good affordable healthcare, world-class universities, first class infrastructure, decent affordable accommodation and basic amenities to its citizens? I will never bend backward to please any bloody Nigerian society because I have only one life to live.

And stop lying about Americans and Europeans discriminating against single people. I was born in western Europe, grew up there for a while, lived in USA for over 13 years. Never did I witness discrimination based on marital status from any westerner! The discrimination only came from nosy Nigerians who can't seem to mind their own business. The good news however is, when you live overseas, its very easy to avoid Nigerians like the plague that they are and live your life as you see fit. The average American and European under 50 can honestly care less if you are married or not. They are intelligent enough to know not to dictate to other people how they should live their lives.

At the end of the day, let those who wish to marry do so and those who don't want to should be allowed to live their lives as they see fit. Thank God, some of us do not have to live in Nigeria. If the pressure from bloody Nigerian family members become too much, cut them off! Just change your phone number and have your peace. Avoid Nigerians and their toxic meddlesome obnoxious character and live long abroad. Adopt children or have your own, marriage or no marriage. Who cares? After all, my own father who married my mother - the first wife - and 2 other women did nothing for his children. He left the entire parental and financial responsibility for his wives. Is that not selfish? Those of you who cannot even afford to take care of yourselves yet go and marry and bring innocent children you can hardly fend for into this wicked world, are you not selfish? Those of you who have children because you plan to become a burden on your children in old age, are you not selfish? Children should not be born so that they become your retirement package. This is why some people now abandon their aging parents in the village and flee abroad. Una think say una get sense!

Marry if you wish but no son of Adam or daughter of Eve can force anyone into doing anything they are not quite ready for. Let the worse happen!

emeijeh:
Nice write up.
Op, this traditional marriage cake is yours...... May you find your better half at the right place and at the right time.

Amen.

QueenSekxy:
why must you tell me how I'm gonna live my life

saasala:
Sequel to the post about Funmi Iyanda wanting to remain single till eternity that graced the frontpage some hours ago (Read it here:
https://www.nairaland.com/4141787/must-girl-marry) , I have decided to write something to counter it.

I once nurtured the idea of not wanting to get married and just find some woman to have babies for me, continue to frolick around town with babes and friends till forever after reading several write ups online about disadvantages of being married. A particular Nairalander who goes by the moniker ‘killjoy’ helped fuel this thought even more.

But then again I started thinking deep and realized it will do me more harm than good if I stay single.

Life is full of problems, that’s the way the universe designed it. As human you will always be faced with challenges and problems, some bigger than you, others smaller. If you are married you will have problems from your spouse, kids, in-laws, etc, if you are not married you will still have problems from your baby mamas/fathers, the family of your baby mamas/fathers, your kids, at work, church etc. So I decided to get married and have problems rather than remain single and still have same problems.

Below are some of the many reasons you need to get married

You can’t beat nature
Yes, nature has designed we sapiens to be with one partner and form a family with children and you cant beat that. Trying to beat it will result in dysfunctional children. We are social creatures and we can only live a fulfilled life when we have loved ones around us. We are designed to by nature to live with spouse and children. We are not animals, we are humans

Loneliness
I will be 31 in few months and have friends within my age range. Most of my friends are between 29 and 33, and many of them are already getting married. I now attend their weddings almost every weekend, and I am always among the groomsmen or the best man. Very soon they will all be married and I will be left alone. They cant go to the club or bar with me like before, we cant hang out like we used to, once its 9pm they want to go home to meet their wife and kids or other times they are not just interested in going out, they want to enjoy the weekend with their family and I will just sit their lonely. No wife, no kids, nothing. If I have a baby mama, she most likely will be in custody of the kids.

As for ladies who want to remain single. 99 percent of Your friends will be married and that is when your eyes will clear. You will be lonely and probably miserable. They talk about how they are going on a vacation with hubby, you open your facebook to see their family pictures, you go to church to see them come in a family car and you are just there alone. You are hanging out with them and their hubby calls them to return home in time to get the kids dinner and get them ready for school, they leave you alone to wonder and wander.

Loneliness will set in one day, you will look back and blame yourself for walking the lonely path. Your chances of living long is even reduced. You will be 50, 60, 70 years one day, how will you cope? You might end up taking your own life.

Family pressure
Don’t take away family pressure. It will never leave. Your parents will attend wedding ceremonies of other kids in the family and will always pray to do same for their kids. Their fulfillment in life comes after they spend heavily on you to graduate with a certificate and finally get married and they can now give you their final blessings. They will never stop reminding you about bringing a wife or husband home. Your parents even stand a risk of being mocked by the society for having a child who hasn’t gotten married at age 50. I am even more sorry for you if you are a woman for family meetings will be called on top your head. Aunties, uncles, cousins etc will go to mountain because of you, and at family gatherings/meetings they must bring up your topic. In the end you will remain a menace to the family, you may never be celebrated despite even having lots of money.

You can’t win society
That’s society for you. A cliché goes thus “If you cant win them, you join them”. So just join the rest of the society cos you will never win.
Everyone expects you to get married once you hit 24 as a female and 30 as a man. You wont get the deserved respect from people, you will be mocked, you will always have to bury your head in shame. Everyone thinks it is abnormal for you to be Miss so and so at age 35 instead of Mrs. You will always have to explain your idiosyncrasies to people, always want them to see things from your viewpoint why you don’t want to get married. No matter how rich you are, everyone will think you are not complete without a man or woman to call a spouse. If you doubt me ask Linda Ikeji and Don Jazzy. Once Linda Ikeji says something not pleasing to people, they will bounce on her with this everly unchanging lines “Madam go and marry” same applies to Don Jazzy.

99.2 percent of the people will not buy your bullcrap idea. So oga, madam, you cant win us, never. Just join us.

Think about your children
It is so funny how many of you who don’t believe in marriage want children and that’s all. You are selfish. Think about yuour kids. They will grow up to see their friends returning home to their mum and dad but they have just one parent. It is understandable if you are divorced, widowed or separated, at least that some reasonable excuse and you can get married to another person later who will act as their foster mum/dad. But your kids ask you why is mum or dad not living with you and your answer is that you didn’t like the idea of marriage that’s why you only made their dad donate some sperm into your vagina to give birth to them. Your kids will be mocked at school and home, and the blemish might never leave them forever. Your kids are better raised by the two parents than you alone.

Your sexual life
So you don’t want to get married but want to keep enjoying sex. You will contract infections, life threatening infections. As a man, today na tall girl you carry come, tomorrow short one, next tomorrow dem see you with light skinned, the next time na dark babe, for how long would you live that way. You want to continue to live an irresponsible lifestyle till 35, 45, 50, 70 years of age? All your friends are married and enjoying fine sex with their wives but you are chasing everything under the skirt. That’s not a good life bro.

As a lady how would you cope with sexual gratification. So after getting sperm donation into your vagina from men to give birth to children you hit the street to start sleeping with every Tom, D!ck and Harry. Once you reach age 40 your beauty is already greatly diminished and men of your age range wont find you appealing again, you are now left with no choice than to hang out with young boys of 25-30 years of age, paying them for their service as a sugar mummy and that’s if you have the money to maintain such life. So it’s a life of sugar mummy you want to be living abi. Soon your news will spread all over the metropolis and everyone will know how irresponsible you are. By the time you are 50, 55 your body don old finish, you will sit down and think abut your miserable life in pity.

Conclusion
The advantages of getting married far outweighs the opposite option, so by all means my brethren, marry.
And I read how many of you think it is only the African mentality that states that a person must be married. You are wrong. I expect you to know better. You watch movies, read books, novels, read stories on social media etc, you should know that even whitepeople in advanced countries think like this. White parents wants their kids to get married. The white society largely think it is foolishness to remain single, ladies from 30 years of age are mocked in America and England for being single, their families are worried for them. It is a general thing and not pertinent to Africa. The other day I read on DailyMail Uk how a 33 years old lady commited suiced because no one has asked for her hand in marriage. Even their celebrities who we think don’t give a hoot about marriage end up settling down, they might get divorced a thousand times but they belive so much in marriage they don’t mind doing it 10 times in the course of their lives. Do your research well before drawing any conclusion.

PS: I am single and searching, ladies dont be shy, send me PM and lets roll. Who knows, I might find a wife here. Me I won marry abbeg

yhemster:
Whatever rock ur boat bro. Ur happiness is paramount in life, just do whatever makes you happy.

chukzyfcbb:
it is because of that one sentence that Nigeria is struggling today. Population growth is one of the underlying causes of poverty in Nigeria.


We are growing in population at a very rapid rate than we are growing as an economy.
So much demand for jobs but very little in supply.
pls do away with that mumu mentality, Go into the world and multiply.

That command was given to Adam when God just created the world without human inhabitants, the world is already populated, atleast Nigeria for example.

Because of the vast population , Graduates aren't getting absorbed, Students can't all be absorbed into institution. Things keep getting expensive, because too many people chasing few scarce resource.


Baba we don multiply enough, If we can control population in Nigeria, our Gdp Per capita would jack up for sure! standard of living will definitely improve

motun2017:
OP
Marriage doesn't work for everyone but it will surely work for me. if 99% of marriages fail mine will be among the rest 1% .

yhemster:
Whatever rock ur boat bro. Ur happiness is paramount in life, just do whatever makes you happy.

Water101:
He/she that will not marry should not have SEX!marriage is not by force,it no sin to remain single provided u remain CHASTE!correct my spelling if it wrong..

Cire80:
read through your point and still can't find any good reason to get married. and the most funny thing is those that don't want to get married but are willing to have children. pathetic. I hate marriage and I hate children even much more. count me out of both.

blackbeau1:
you do know about IVF ,Artificial insemination and co? .and if we are talking about the bible saying we should be fruitful , are u saying that Paul who didn't get married or have children was wrong ? My dear, marriage isn't for everyone please. Don't force ppl who aren't interested, just because of some sentimental arguments

BluntBoy:
He is just being realistic.

In your post, you made it seem like marriage would answer problems of loneliness and sexual infections when not all marriages answer them. There are lonely people in marriages sometimes and one promiscuous partner may even infect the other partner with STDs.

prciouschika:
a big Amen

MissJoy29:
True talk! I like realistic people. It doesn't make them negative or pessimistic. Just saying things the way they are.

By the way, everyone desires a happy marriage. But why do we hear more bad news about marriages everyday? Or do people enter into that institution with the sole aim of making negative headlines these days?

I'm #teammarriage. I want a happy home too. But I'm not gonna be blindsided or naive to think marriage solves a lot of the problems listed above by the OP. Try telling that to my friend whose husband gave her STI from sleeping with their neighbour who's known to be a slut. Try telling that too to that lady whose husband(my friend) is ALWAYS online chatting other people up.

dasparrow:
@Post

I hate to break it to you but not everyone will or must marry. Marriage is a CHOICE. Some people do better with a spouse and some people do better on their own. Let me tell you why marriage isn't for everyone.

1. Some people don't like sex. Their dislike for sex might come as a result of suffering from a past traumatic experience such as rape or other forms of sexual abuse. Forget counseling. Once a person has been sexually abused especially in childhood, it affects them even in adulthood. Sex abuse survivors struggle to trust others with their bodies and genitals after experiencing sexual abuse. So what should such people do? Go and marry and stay miserable while their spouse traumatizes them further each time the spouse demands for sex? I don't know about you but that is a crappy way to live. Many people don't mind love, hugging and mild kissing but not everyone likes the idea of having to deal with genital secretions like sperm or vaginal fluids. Not everyone wants to have someone disturbing their genitals. Such people can still enjoy intimate relationships without the sex and the sexually transmitted diseases and sometimes unplanned pregnancies that come with marriage.

2. Not everyone can have sex, literally. I know you may not know this but there are some illnesses that make having sex impossible. When you get a chance google the following medical conditions:

A) Vestibulodynia
B) Vaginismus
C) Vulvodynia
D) Peyronie's disease

Let me just stop at the above 4 illnesses. So, patients suffering from any of the above illnesses and can't have sex should do what? Go and kill themselves? I know of someone who suffers from vaginismus. The lady's condition makes having sex excruciatingly painful and practically impossible. The lady, knowing her condition and lacking the necessary funds to seek specialist treatment in Europe or North America has decided to remain single. Has she committed a crime? I know the bloody Nigerian society will judge her for not being married not knowing her case is more complicated than they can ever imagine.

3. People with mental issues. So since you feel everyone should get married, I guess people who are mentally challenged or suffer from a mental disorder should also get married?

4. People with violent tendencies. So, people with violent tendencies should also get married so that they can beat their spouses to a pulp everyday and raise traumatized children? Do you know why domestic violence is so prevalent in the Nigerian society? Because Nigerians are only concerned about forcing every Tom, Donald, Harry and Jane to get married. Nigerians don't care about creating healthy and happy families because if they did, they won't go about expecting every soul to get married.

Let me tell you, there are many lonely married people out there. It is not advisable to expect your spouse to be your cure to loneliness. That is asking too much. If you stay productive by working, helping out by volunteering in your community, being an active member in any of your church's many departments, traveling worldwide and meeting new people, learning a new culture or language, gardening, writing books, taking care of the elderly etc, you can never be lonely. There is so much to do to keep a person busy.

I will never want to depend on just one person, a so-called spouse for sole companionship because human beings can disappoint you at any time. If the person decides to pack up and leave you today because you are too emotionally needy and clingy, what will you do then? It pays to be emotionally independent and stop depending on mere mortals for your happiness. This is why many Nigerian relationships feel like prison. Nigerians demand too much from their spouses!

As for the Nigerian society, screw them! Why should anyone sacrifice their own happiness all to please society? A society that cannot even boast of providing uninterrupted electricity, access to good affordable healthcare, world-class universities, first class infrastructure, decent affordable accommodation and basic amenities to its citizens? I will never bend backward to please any bloody Nigerian society because I have only one life to live.

And stop lying about Americans and Europeans discriminating against single people. I was born in western Europe, grew up there for a while, lived in USA for over 13 years. Never did I witness discrimination based on marital status from any westerner! The discrimination only came from nosy Nigerians who can't seem to mind their own business. The good news however is, when you live overseas, its very easy to avoid Nigerians like the plague that they are and live your life as you see fit. The average American and European under 50 can honestly care less if you are married or not. They are intelligent enough to know not to dictate to other people how they should live their lives.

At the end of the day, let those who wish to marry do so and those who don't want to should be allowed to live their lives as they see fit. Thank God, some of us do not have to live in Nigeria. If the pressure from bloody Nigerian family members become too much, cut them off! Just change your phone number and have your peace. Avoid Nigerians and their toxic meddlesome obnoxious character and live long abroad. Adopt children or have your own, marriage or no marriage. Who cares? After all, my own father who married my mother - the first wife - and 2 other women did nothing for his children. He left the entire parental and financial responsibility for his wives. Is that not selfish? Those of you who cannot even afford to take care of yourselves yet go and marry and bring innocent children you can hardly fend for into this wicked world, are you not selfish? Those of you who have children because you plan to become a burden on your children in old age, are you not selfish? Children should not be born so that they become your retirement package. This is why some people now abandon their aging parents in the village and flee abroad. Una think say una get sense!

Marry if you wish but no son of Adam or daughter of Eve can force anyone into doing anything they are not quite ready for. Let the worse happen!

crownbayo:
issokay..... by the artificial insemination, u can go ahead and do that, u own your life, even by that, we can't be free from this life problem as OP said, but is not of God my sister, let act according to God commandment! Paul is an apostle and he flee from fornication according 1Corinthian 7

blackbeau1:
This is y marriages break up because everyone gets this idea that it's compulsory but it's not. Everyone must stick to what makes them happy. It's not everyone that was meant to get married. Don't get married because you don't wanna get lonely , don't get married because if you can't beat them , join them. Don't get married because all your friends are getting married. Get married because you want to and because you've found someone to be with. And If marriage isn't your thing, stay unmarried. Instead of marrying and making someone else's life a living hell and finally getting divorced - destroying your innocent kids lives . But be sure it's what you want tho

BluntBoy:
Thank you very much. This was what I was trying to explain to the OP.

Fornication:
Why should they flee from me

dasparrow:
@Post

I hate to break it to you but not everyone will or must marry. Marriage is a CHOICE. Some people do better with a spouse and some people do better on their own. Let me tell you why marriage isn't for everyone.

1. Some people don't like sex. Their dislike for sex might come as a result of suffering from a past traumatic experience such as rape or other forms of sexual abuse. Forget counseling. Once a person has been sexually abused especially in childhood, it affects them even in adulthood. Sex abuse survivors struggle to trust others with their bodies and genitals after experiencing sexual abuse. So what should such people do? Go and marry and stay miserable while their spouse traumatizes them further each time the spouse demands for sex? I don't know about you but that is a crappy way to live. Many people don't mind love, hugging and mild kissing but not everyone likes the idea of having to deal with genital secretions like sperm or vaginal fluids. Not everyone wants to have someone disturbing their genitals. Such people can still enjoy intimate relationships without the sex and the sexually transmitted diseases and sometimes unplanned pregnancies that come with marriage.

2. Not everyone can have sex, literally. I know you may not know this but there are some illnesses that make having sex impossible. When you get a chance google the following medical conditions:

A) Vestibulodynia
B) Vaginismus
C) Vulvodynia
D) Peyronie's disease

Let me just stop at the above 4 illnesses. So, patients suffering from any of the above illnesses and can't have sex should do what? Go and kill themselves? I know of someone who suffers from vaginismus. The lady's condition makes having sex excruciatingly painful and practically impossible. The lady, knowing her condition and lacking the necessary funds to seek specialist treatment in Europe or North America has decided to remain single. Has she committed a crime? I know the bloody Nigerian society will judge her for not being married not knowing her case is more complicated than they can ever imagine.

3. People with mental issues. So since you feel everyone should get married, I guess people who are mentally challenged or suffer from a mental disorder should also get married?

4. People with violent tendencies. So, people with violent tendencies should also get married so that they can beat their spouses to a pulp everyday and raise traumatized children? Do you know why domestic violence is so prevalent in the Nigerian society? Because Nigerians are only concerned about forcing every Tom, Donald, Harry and Jane to get married. Nigerians don't care about creating healthy and happy families because if they did, they won't go about expecting every soul to get married.

Let me tell you, there are many lonely married people out there. It is not advisable to expect your spouse to be your cure to loneliness. That is asking too much. If you stay productive by working, helping out by volunteering in your community, being an active member in any of your church's many departments, traveling worldwide and meeting new people, learning a new culture or language, gardening, writing books, taking care of the elderly etc, you can never be lonely. There is so much to do to keep a person busy.

I will never want to depend on just one person, a so-called spouse for sole companionship because human beings can disappoint you at any time. If the person decides to pack up and leave you today because you are too emotionally needy and clingy, what will you do then? It pays to be emotionally independent and stop depending on mere mortals for your happiness. This is why many Nigerian relationships feel like prison. Nigerians demand too much from their spouses!

As for the Nigerian society, screw them! Why should anyone sacrifice their own happiness all to please society? A society that cannot even boast of providing uninterrupted electricity, access to good affordable healthcare, world-class universities, first class infrastructure, decent affordable accommodation and basic amenities to its citizens? I will never bend backward to please any bloody Nigerian society because I have only one life to live.

And stop lying about Americans and Europeans discriminating against single people. I was born in western Europe, grew up there for a while, lived in USA for over 13 years. Never did I witness discrimination based on marital status from any westerner! The discrimination only came from nosy Nigerians who can't seem to mind their own business. The good news however is, when you live overseas, its very easy to avoid Nigerians like the plague that they are and live your life as you see fit. The average American and European under 50 can honestly care less if you are married or not. They are intelligent enough to know not to dictate to other people how they should live their lives.

At the end of the day, let those who wish to marry do so and those who don't want to should be allowed to live their lives as they see fit. Thank God, some of us do not have to live in Nigeria. If the pressure from bloody Nigerian family members become too much, cut them off! Just change your phone number and have your peace. Avoid Nigerians and their toxic meddlesome obnoxious character and live long abroad. Adopt children or have your own, marriage or no marriage. Who cares? After all, my own father who married my mother - the first wife - and 2 other women did nothing for his children. He left the entire parental and financial responsibility for his wives. Is that not selfish? Those of you who cannot even afford to take care of yourselves yet go and marry and bring innocent children you can hardly fend for into this wicked world, are you not selfish? Those of you who have children because you plan to become a burden on your children in old age, are you not selfish? Children should not be born so that they become your retirement package. This is why some people now abandon their aging parents in the village and flee abroad. Una think say una get sense!

Marry if you wish but no son of Adam or daughter of Eve can force anyone into doing anything they are not quite ready for. Let the worse happen!

crownbayo:
its mandatory for us. because we sin again our own body wish is of Christ! everybody must have his or her own partner. fornication have killed so many people in this in all ramifications. let abstain not because of today but for our future

motun2017:
OP
Marriage doesn't work for everyone but it will surely work for me. if 99% of marriages fail mine will be among the rest 1% .

Fornication:

Who did I kill I have never killed anyone before.