I have read so many brilliant articles on why people especially women find it hard to get over or quit abusive relationships most of which are relative to particular experiences of the victims.

Normally, hearts get shattered, people feel devastated when relationships even devoid of violence or abuse are broken. It also feels much more for abusive relationships. Why? Mostly because of the ‘spiritual bonding‘ of the couples especially for those who have been sleeping together for a while. Let’s go a bit off point here, have you ever given it a thought as to how terrorist kingpins convince people to blow themselves up? It may look stupid to you but some people do not see it that way. The human way of reason can be programmed and conditioned. The very exact tactic abusers use to control their victims.


It starts with an overwhelming crush, a handsome young rich guy she’s have never seen before, he’s all sweet. No sweating, he approached her by first chance. In the beginning he’s all good to her and her immediate friends, she got easily won-over because she fell uncontrollably in love with him. He knew the right words to say, where to take her to and the right moments to do the right things to her.

Every one of your friends have heard about him. Of course they feel jealous wishing they were you. The world knows you are dating a celebrity, every girl’s dream. Gradually, ‘toasters’ fled, Mr celebrity is too jealous, too possessive so you chased all your male friends away. Your girl friends hoped for a chance to stab you in the back, you did away with them. Even family became irrelevant for advising you against your dream man or pushing you toward him. Either way, you saw enemies everywhere. All you cared about was your world. Overwhelmed with love, you began to lose bits of yourself to him. He conquered you and completely and it felt much like love.

At this point, a women who has lost herself, friends, family and has nothing to look up to knows not the word ‘abuse’ She would do anything she can to cling to the only thing she has, her abusive man.

Then he starts cheating on her and it hurts very much but without him she feels she has nothing else, her life is as good as finished. Every now and then, he disgraces her in public, she feels that must be because she did something wrong. She resolves to stay on, yet the anger will not calm. She confronts him aggressively, then he hits her re-actively. It gets so bad, she starts thinking. ‘It is my fault, I should not have confronted him after all. Maybe I should try to cook better, maybe I should try to do all that he pleases’. Feeling much like truly the bitch he calls her. Fear and imperfection becomes her world. She is completely lost.

The reasons why abused women still opt to stay in their relationships can be categorized into three broad areas, Emotional reasons, cultural/religious reasons and economic reasons.

1. Emotional Reasons

Fear: She could be afraid as to what will happen if she quits. Women who are threatened into submission to their partners, his family and associates become so afraid leaving the relationship.

Some women believe that abuse is normal: Many women especially those who were brought up in abusive homes tend to confuse what a healthy relationship should be like. They often feel that abuse in any relationship is normal.

Embarrassment: Women especially who are highly placed and are referred to as good examples to others may find it embarrassing to admit that they are in abusive relationships. They worry what friends, family and society at large will feel if they come out publicly with the true nature of their affair.

Low Self-esteem: Many women in abusive relationships have lost themselves for quite a long time. They have no friends and family who they feel will understand their predicament. They feel that their life is better-of with the abuser and they cannot live well if they are on their own.

Love: There are some form of bonding between couples especially those who have been sleeping together for a while. Some abused women still love their partners and stay on, praying and hoping that he would change. Many want the violence to stop but not the relationship to end.

2. Economic Reasons

Social/Peer Pressure: If the abuser is rich, influential and popular, it can be hard for her to tell friends for fear that no one will believe her or that everyone will take the abuser’s side. Also she would be scared that people would blame her for tarnishing his public image and ambitions.

Financial Dependency: A woman who relies solely on a man for finances may find it hard to quit the relationship even if she is abused.

3. Cultural/Religious Reasons

Many Religions and cultures expect marriages to be a life-long contract. The marriage oath in Christianity for example has a clause “for better for worse, till death do us part”. Couple’s joined together by this oath are expected to stay together no matter what happens in the relationship. Also Traditional gender roles can make it difficult for young women to admit to being sexually active.

READ ALSO: EIGHT EXCEPTIONS TO THE PHRASE ‘UNTIL DEATH DO US PART’ IN WEDDING VOWS.

Pregnancy/Parenting: Many women stay on in abusive relationships for the sake of their children. They feel the urge to bring their kids up with both parents together. Also they fear that the abusive partner or his new woman may harm their kids after they leave.

4. Other Reasons

1. Distrust of adults or authority.

2. Language Barriers/Immigration Status.

3. No where to go to.

Women abused in relationships resolve to stay on and fight rather than give up too soon, because they feel too much is at stake if they quit. They blame themselves for everything because they were programmed to overreact. What would people say? They hope, they pray that he may have a change of heart for them. That is if they ever realize that they are being abused.

WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP

If you know anyone around or close to you who is in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, support them and strive to be a source of comfort, love and inspiration to them. Do not judge or offer them advice that would worsen their situation. Be kind, understand that they may still want to stay in the relationship for a whole lot of different reasons.

Say things like, “I’m sorry this is happening to you,” “I know it’s complicated,” “It’s not your fault,” “You don’t deserve this,” and “This doesn’t change how I feel about you”. You can ask questions like “Are you open to getting medical attention, calling a hotline, reporting the stalking, going to the police, talking to an attorney etc”. Instead of telling them what they must do, give them the opportunity of deciding to do it by themselves. Proceed with caution. Beware also that the abuser may see you as an obstacle and make you a target of violence as well.

http://chofam.com/2017/10/427/

on point! but when they want to lie, they say they're staying because of the child/children

some have lost self esteem due to over dependin On the man

lalanice:
on point!
but when they want to lie, they say they're staying because of the child/children

for real

K

erifeoluwasimi:
some have lost self esteem due to over dependin On the man

yeah sure some really have but that shouldn't be the case

100% Legit

She skipped d part where selfworth should come in

Social or Societal Reasons:
Fear of being stigmatized and readily condemned. People are quick to judge women when it comes to divorce or quitting abusive relationships even before they listen to their own side of the story forgetting that quitting is a big strain/shame on such women. It's however a sure means to an end when battering goes unabated and where the husband is a perpetual wife beater and a beast.

olayinka6138:


She skipped d part where selfworth should come in

gbam

that's why i dont take most of these threads here serious

They will be bias

I can't stay in an abusive relationship o

iamJ:
gbam

that's why i dont take most of these threads here serious

They will be bias

You have a point though
Self worth wasn't skipped
It doesn't have to be just the way you want it. That's why we are different.

olayinka6138:


She skipped d part where selfworth should come in

You could add it