₦airaland Forum

Afonjanightmare:
A man is a male human, a natural leader and the head of every "normal" family. My parents are still married after 36yrs, my mother still brings my dad his meal and carries the plate to the kitchen till date, my mom stands in front of my dad when he's talking (my dad is seated o!) note: my mom is a masters degree holder and an Assistant director in the federal ministry of labor and employment, no power tussle @ all in the family, everyone knows their place. See, this feminist movement brought by the whites won't work in Africa, quote me anywhere, let women submit to their husbands just as the Bible says, in Islam, you are allowed to marry 4wives hence you can take care of them.

In summary, the op is a weak and effeminated male who is not only a disgrace to humanity but a disgrace to other male species in the animal kingdom.

My dear, everyone deserves to be happy and healthy in their relationship. If your mum is okay with the way things are in the family, good for her. But if she isn't, then the feminist movement you guys are afraid of will come.

No one should be treated in a hurtful manner. If you think as a man you can get married to more than one wife, then don't be surprised when the table is being turned around.

If you're sure you aren't going to end the marriage, keep all these stuff to yourself. If you do end up with her after letting out all the details, trust me folks who heard about it will come for your head and call you a weakling (it's not a good position to be in as a man, cos a man must be in charge at all times). On the other hand, if you let all these details out, make sure you end the marriage. These rules are very crucial for your happiness.

Trust me on this, a lot of folks go through worst shits, many don't let it out on SM et al. They just allow it burn within and they come to a conclusion on what to do. Some folks are not mentally strong enough to handle shits like this. I'm sorry it happened to you.

At this moment, you won't see clearly and your decisions might be marred by the pain you feel.

If you ask me for my advice, a cheating wife has to go, but I'm not you and I barely know some of the rules that govern the way you act.

Sometimes, people who cheat feel remorseful just about when they're caught and get back at it in a smarter way after the storm settles. Others will stay clean and never go back to it.

However, you need to understand how humans think in situations like this. You don't know how deep she's into the guy she cheated with, and depending how deep it is, that's how difficult it's going to be to get out for her (regardless of the crying and sobbing). These things don't just go away by saying "I'm sorry" from the other party who was caught in the act. It will take counseling, possibly spiritual help to get out of such habits (cheating is a habit) - it doesn't just go away by one saying "I'm Sorry," crying and feeling sober.

Take care and I pray you're able to see clearly amidst the storm.

Remember you are not perfect! Forgive her so that God may forgive you also...later find out why she decided to have a relationship with the man. ...then work on yourself, marriage and be strong. God bless you!

OGA OP.. so sorry about what is happening in your home. I would be very mad with her as well if I’m in your situation but truth be told, you caused the whole thing happening to you now. I will tell you why! That night when you got back home with used condom having sperm inside it, as far as your wife has seen it and having known that YOU ARE GUILTY of that act, what you would have done is to apologize to her and save this future crisis but you choose to cover it thinking you are very smart. My friend, forgive your wife. I will tell you what to do so that your marriage will be restored back. Mail me here ifikem@gmail.com as I don’t want to disclose the information here. Stay strong and forgive your wife

fhorlar:
Don't mind the poster oo...when guys cheat, it normal and expected of ladies to forgive..but when women cheat,another world war just commenced!!!I still don't understand it.@poster, just take a freaking chill pill , no one is perfect. It's like you fink women too are not flesh and cannot be moved. Not making an excuse for her but shiit happens , learn to forgive! Drop ur ego and move on!
Also,all those your long epistles are unnecessary. You would just gone straight to the point!

But women are strong shaa ooo...when my dad cheated on my mum one time , the whole world did not hear o. Minsk just took it coded and even we children did not know until several years later. And now same mumsi is sick and my popsi has been running upandan to make sure she survives. Now that love and maturity in play.

the long epistles was just a coy to make us blame the woman.. As soon as I read the part where he said he had sex with a girl without remorse, my zeal to continue died that moment.

Mtchewwww!!! I don't know if I m the only one but I m definitely not here to beg u op. Please do as u please, u will surely regret the aftermath. First of all u cheated on this woman and even brought evidence home for her. As if that was not enough u lied instead of u to feel remorse and beg her but no u made a full out of her. Secondly ur kind of man is wat I call petty/immature, y checking ur wife's phone up n down, hacking ur wife's password (trust issues) you no get job? I thought it's a woman thing or are u a woman? She stayed with you through thick and thin, the woman is even remorseful begging u to forgive you ate there forming jagaban. He who is without sin should cast the first stone. So u now knows how it feels to be cheated upon.( Whitney's song playing in my head right now " I learnt from the best" what would have happened if she hit her head and passed on. You think u will be here crying me a river. Because now you are making us to believe u r a descendant of Joseph (attractive/good looking man) so we should fry zobo. So annoying a post
You don't need any advice, u know what's best for you to do.

Social media don dey cast people mama.
Happy married life to you all. People dey rush marriage think say wedding na d koko.

Richdotcom:
I can relate to your story, first you should calm down ..... 2nd you should control your emotions not to involve your son in stuffs like this.

3rd if you know you can trust her again, you guys should talk about it and work it out..... but if you know you can’t jejely move on.


But if I am in your shoes, if it’s her first time of cheating or almost cheating on you.... for the sake of God, the vows you shared and your son!!! Give her a second chance, with very very strict warning!!! In fact draw her ear....... that’s my 10kobo piece of advice.

That is a very terrible advise.

You Do not forgive a cheating wife. That is a cardinal law.
It takes a lot for a wife to cheat, and when she does, it means she has crossed a rubicon- a point of no return.
She has no respect, love or fear for him, and it will take a miracle for it to be restored. Romance cannot restore it. It is an inbuilt something that is introduced from courtship into marriage and when lost, cannot be regained.

If you decide to forgive, then it should be with a realization that it can happen again and you just want the marriage to continue irregardless.

I am sorry bro, I don't condone cheating of any kind for it is unacceptable!

But...

You once cheated before and she didn't kill you after her ranting... she still forgave you wholeheartedly,right??

Now the case has been revised.. she cheated but you can't seem to forgive her despite her crying and begging.

Pray tell me, what exactly do you want her to do?

Inasmuch as you are in pain and hurting, your actions are unacceptable... don't be a hypocrite.. and stop tagging her an adulterous wife.

Go and have a heart to heart talk with her... I am. sure she will respond appropriately.

I am sorry bro... shit happens!!!

Give her a second chance

You finally confirmed your suspicions, from checking phone to hacking Facebook account to messages and calling her ex.. These are what women do, not what men do.. How can I man be reading his wife phone messages and checking her Facebook account day in day out. You need to quickly finish your PhD and start working or lecturing, you gat too much time on your hands..

Please just forgive and let go.. It's so painful thou but thank God there is distance between them..chat alone can be so tricky maybe the Farouk is just paying her bills. She's your wife and call her and trash the issue out since she has promised you never to do that again.

U want me to read all dis long story....y did we learn summarize in school .....

na wa for u op,u dat cheated on her with evidence,even condom escort u trach housr.so because she said i love u to sombory, she don cheat b dat, its guys like u that give guys like us bad names

i wil advise u to jst forgive and forget about it .. U 2 cheated .u both re even nw. Wot else u re nt sure she had sex wit him u knw. It might jst b a chat . Get her a new phone she shuld b sensible enof nt to change her FB and Phone password again so u watch her very wel. U shuld alro hav a conversation wit her since mariage is cot commincation .
Hope it works out fine .
Stop drinking

Please forgive your wife, she was not faithful in engaging in such exploits. The power to build your home back to a stronger one lies in your hand not her, make her promise you that it won't happen again. Nobody in this world is 100% righteous, the bible said,temptation would certainly come, but the strength to over power it, is not easy, remember that we are all flesh and blood. Forgive her and set rules for her henceforth.

na wa for u op, you that cheated on her with evidence, so because she told somebody i love u she don cheat be dat ? it is men like u that give men like us bad names

You had your sexcapades, even lied in her face with all the glaring evidence, but you expected her to understand. Now she's merely chatting with one guy on FB and you can't contain your furry. She hasn't even done quarter of what you did and you're here ranting and beating your chest like Harambe. The way you even narrated your cheating story shows you have no remorse and would jump at it again with any given opportunity. Smh

What makes you think she has forgiven you from the past and doesn't hate you with so much passion? The reason she doesn't like you touching her anymore and would rather say "I love you" to a FB friend than to you.

You believe you're smart but your wife is 10 times smarter than you are. I'm sure she's only putting up with you because of one thing, her son.

U kpoko she is about kpokoing u come dey vex....
Those who live in glass house don't throw stone's

betafuture:
Thanks sir

it's so sad
I feel your pain
She must have been sleeping with d man either in nigeria or in d US.
It's sad, yes you cheated but i think it was most likely a fling but women cheat with feelings and love.

It's hard to trust her

My opinion
Give her distance but don't chase her out
Tell her you are not connected to her again
Make her suffer
Take care of d baby n provide for them as usual but with no physical contact with her.
Let dis happen for at least six6 months.


She will regret her actions
She will need u
Then let her tell you d truth of what really happened both nigeria and in d US
If she is honest enough
Then forgive her.

I will advise that you forgive her. SEe if you can work on the trusting her again. it will take time but your marriage and her reaction seem like it is worth salvaging. Give it another go, please.

My friend, know that this is a make or mar experience, it could either make your marriage stronger or kill it forever, the ball is in your court
there is no marriage without challenges, you mentioned you have had a past and cheated too, if she forgave you and moved on , why cant you forgive her and move ahead and be ,dont be selfish pls.. God forgives us each time we sin and come to him for forgiveness, you should do same to her..Bless

How old are you? Are you married?

Stanleyelege:
Divorce her. This is crazy

@OP, my first advice is work on ur temper. You're now living in the UK, tread carefully bro. You're very close to ur victory don't let the devil ruin it for you. Believe me, what happened recently could have put you in jail or to say the least thrown out of the house. You may be wondering how, if ur wife should report you claiming you pushed her and she hit her head on the wall, you're a "goner". As long as you remain in that country, you need to be more tactical and well calculated while handling family issues like this.

Commenting on this recent event, in my opinion, your wife is obviously bored in the relationship. Y'all have relocated to the UK, you're now living a more comfortable life relative to Nigeria. But in the process, the marriage lost its spark. You're not alone making this mistake, lots of Nigerian men in the diaspora do. Most of them think comfortable life is just all what their wife need, its not. Women needs your attention. It's very sad when I see fellow brothers hustling days and nights to make their wife more comfortable but won't create time to spend together. The comfortable wife get bored and seeks others who will attend to her.
Having a happy home isn't just by having riches, there are wealthy couples that fight and shout on each other too. A Happy home is a result of synchronisation of the members' body, mind and soul(especially the couple). I understand that the hustle is quite hard now, especially studying, working and other distractions too. My Bro, please create time for wife. If possible, carry her along with ur Ph.D research, ask her to do some reading and summarise for you. All these things makes her valuable and get her busy too after daily job. Or beta still, tell her to enroll in other training/programs. There are free trains both online and offline, this get her busy.
Lastly, communicate, communicate and communicate abt everything.

betafuture:
I am very sorry, it seems like anytime I post on Nairaland is actually the time I have great challenges in my life, however, my posts also reflect the chronicle of my life. You may wish to check out my last posting about how I was sacked in the Bank with a debt that was guaranteed by a junior staff, whose job was threatened by the loan I obtained and she guaranteed for me. please find the link https://www.nairaland.com/2282140/loan-incured-before-termination-appointment Like I mentioned in that post, I got a job as with a Rep member and he appointed me as the Special assistant on a salary of 80k monthly and my boss paid my rent, of which I engage with my lender to take 50k with me monthly and right off the excess interest and stop disturbing the junior colleague, an arrangement they agreed to and everybody was fine, save that I had to struggle to cope with 30k monthly as a family man, working in Abuja. My wife never complained. I just gave her 25k from the salary, once received, to buy food for the family why I tried to manage with the remaining 5k. It was tough! Luckily, a junior lady cousin who works in a bank was posted to Abuja and we had to accommodate her. She was very kind and understood my plight. Sometimes, she drops up to 50k for my wife to augment the house expenses. She would tell me and sometimes, I would take additional 10k to ad to my pocket money.

The home was running, my son, my wife and my cousin, including myself were very happy. As a banker, I had learned the skill of marketing and networking and negotiation. In the course of my sojourn in the national assembly I met a head of a parastatal wjo needed me to do some strategic alliance between his organization and my boss. We later became great friends, and i realized I could access a scholarship to study in the UK through him. To cut the story short, I pursued this opportunity to the latter and I got a Federal government scholarship to pursue a Masters degree in the UK. I saw this as an opportunity to rewrite the story of my life. Two months in the UK, I began to look for means to bring my wife and son to join me in the UK. While I was in UK, I made it a point of duty to send 150k to my wife in Nigeria on monthly basis (Remember I was on scholarship) and I also do student work in the UK. Because we did not sell our car during the crisis, I also gave the custody of the car to her.

FIRST SUSPICION

When she was about coming to the UK with my 7 years old son, we decided to give out some of our home appliances and sell most of them including the car. Since I was not in Nigeria, she was to manage the transactions. Because I opened her e-mail address, i do see her mails, so i could see the alert on her GTB. The first thing that prompted me was that the amount she received for the sales of our car was 100k higher than what she declared to me. (The fund was meant to buy the flight tickets for her and my son). There were other expense transactions that were over declared, but the actual amount debited to her account were quite low. I did not confront her on these issues until she arrived UK with my son. When I did, I could see the way she manipulatively and professionally lied her way out of the whole issue. I did not pick an offense, hence i made her to understand that I was never convinced. Since then my instinct told me that if she could lie to me so much on finance, maybe there are other things going on in her life that I never known. However, I opened her Facebook account for her years ago in Nigeria, but I never bothered to check it. Out of curiosity, I tried login into her Facebook account and I discovered she has changed the password. My first reaction was to check it, but had I done that, she would have been conscious, then I used my skill as an trained IT security expert to crack her password and then access her Facebook. I ran through all her messenger message and everything was fine. Apart from a certain guy who always beg her for assistance and prayer, there was nothing really suspicious about her messanger and then, we continued with our normal life.

After a week in UK, she started to work as a carer (her visa permitted her to work fully), and she began to make money. I know how much enters her account and we decide how to spend. My son also start schooling and life began to have meaning again. I finished my masters with a distinction and the best graduating student in my department and my University offered me automatic admission for PhD, with part scholarship.l To remain, we needed to source funds to show evidence that my family can stay with me in the UK and show evidence of the balance of school fees. We sourced for money everywhere. She brought all she had and we had to borrow both from UK and Nigeria. My boss was very supportive and I commenced the PhD this September. As a family, we have a problem. My son is now 8 years and we have been trying to make another baby but it does not seem to be forthcoming. We have been to hospitals in the UK, we were both tested and once told my sperm motility was low, treated, but later we were considered both ok.

Since her arrival in the UK, I noticed that my wife suddenly repel sexxx. Sometimes, we had sexxxx just once in a month, she would find a way of brushing away by advances. At a level, i had to ask if there was any problem, but she said it was because of the new environment, her jobs and what have you. This further told me that all was not well in my marriage. She knows I love her and I would do anything for her. While we were yet trying to pay my tuition, her mum got a US visa and all the children were making contributions for her journey, I had to take from my school fees and send to Nigeria and manage my school to give us more time. I tried to ensure that we continually live like one happy family.

Do not let me sound like one perfect good guy. I had also lived a rough bad life in the past and she is aware. During my days in the bank, I had been sexually reckless and irresponsible. There was a time I left office to a gal house, fckked her and I never knew that the condom we used was stick to my shoe. I drove with it home, entered home very late at night, my wife was already angrily waiting for me in the house, only to see a used condom with sperm inside attached to the soul of my shoe. It was an issue that we had to battle with for weeks, even though I never confess it was from, I told a story that it must have got gummed to me at the mechanic village where I had gone to pick my car in the evening (She was aware that someone has accused my mechanic of having sexxx in his car, leaving condom at the back seat). after few weeks, we resolved the issue and we continued leaving normal life. However, there was also a time I suspected her activities on Facebook and I realised a guy whom she has known in the past has been pestering her and she seems to be encouraging him (That was during our period of financial crisis). I had confronted her, she had denied they never had anything but the guy was just pestering her. I apologised and went sober. I called the guy (who was also married) and lived in another faraway city. The guy denied having anything to do with her that she just knew her while growing up. The guy originally blasted me, but later called back and apologized and promised never to disturb her again. I was hurting for months, after which I forgave, forgot and moved on. Let me also state that during the period of my financial crisis, I made a covenant with God, after listening to a message, that whatever the case maybe, I will remain faithful to my wife. This I have manage to keep despite advances from both married and single friends and acquaintances.

THE REAL ISSUE

Now, we are living in the UK and very happy, she is working full-time, while I pursue my PhD full-time, work part-time and my son schools full-time and we were all happy, save the issue of delayed pregnancy and (to me, the poor sex life from her). Let me also state that I bought her a Samsung phone (when she arrived last year), which I have full access to because I know her password. Few months ago, she told me she wanted a bigger phone that she would send the one I bought her to my younger brother in Nigeria who had been disturbing her for a phone. Even though, I thought we did not need to spend money on a new phone at that crucial time because of the looming school expenses, I consented just for her to be happy and she got herself a Samsung galaxy s8 plus for 700pounds, which she would repay of 2 years. The first thing that prompted me about the phone was that she changed her password, but I never mind because I thought she was preventing my son, who always loved to play game on her phone from accessing the phone. However, after few weeks, I began to feel very uncomfortable about the whole stuff. My instinct just told me all was not well. Whatever was it, I could not place my finger on it. But after reviewing my work with my supervisor in the University yesterday, I just felt like going home to rest, instead of studying in the school and then, I met wife in the house with my son. She was trying to order some items online for my son for Christmas and on arrival, she gave her phone to select what we should buy for him, and then, the FB message came into her phone and I could read...'it is not what you think, I have been very busy'

I selected the item I thought was ok, gave returned her phone, picked my laptop and logged in to her Facebook. My wife pretended she was enganging me in discussion, but was responding to the message from a guy, who obviously was her lover and she wrote (I was reading from my computer without her knowledge) 'You know I will ALWAYS LOVE YOU'. and the other guy responded 'I love you more baby' (By this time, I was already burning on the seat, but I somehow managed to keep my calm). She wrote 'But you don't call me' ...and she stood up and went to the kitchen (I wanted to gather enough evidence before I reacted), but immediately she got to the kitchen, she deleted the conversation. At this time, I could not take it. My son was in the sitting room, watching cartoon. I went to her in the kitchen and aggressively confronted her. She originally pretended she did not know what I was saying, but when she say the aggression and seriousness in me she started begging and crying. I lost control of my emotion. I was angry and shouting. My son was there. He was too young, but very intelligent. he understood everything and began to blame his mum, at the same time asking me ti give mum a second chance. I was bitterly hurting. I felt like tearing her into pieces, but if I tried that in UK, it will be straight to jail. She could not state the reason behind her action. She was still trying to lie. She said the guy was her ex and they recently became friends on Facebook and the guy is trying to rekindle the old relationship. The guy is based in Nigeria, they do not even see. Everything she said was incoherently sense. All she wanted was that I should forgive her. I should not tell anybody. She cried, wept and what have you. I was hurting. If it were to by Nigeria, she would have left my house yesetrday, but in UK, it is difficult. The love turned to hatred. She managed to convince me to enter room with her, so that she will discuss the issue with me, without getting our son involved. In the room, it was the same crying and plea for forgiveness and a promise it would never happen again. I told her i was ok, but she would not let me out. I had to angrily shove her away from the door and she hit her head against the wardrobe. i was too angry, too sad, and too hateful to care. i called her all manners of unprintable names. I cursed her, I was just too angry. She kept begging. I left for the sitting room and she came back, knelt down before me and kept begging. My son was crying that two of us were making him sad. The young boy even threatened to tell his teacher in the school on monday. I was too angry to listen. I just told her to let me be. She stood up with tears in her eyes to enter the toilet, I checked her Facebook account again and realised that the lover had sent another message thus: "My dear I don't call you always to protect your home, but I always check your pictures every night before I go to bed" As I was reading, she stupidly deleted that again in the toilet. (Please note that my wife always post our family pictures on facebook, stating how I am the best husband in the world).

My anger erupted again and I rushed to meet her in the bathroom and asked her why she deleted the last message of the guy and she tearfully answered that she did not want me to see anything that could aggravate my anger the more. I angrily snatched the phone from her and smashed it on the floor. She knelt down at my feet and continued to cry and beg for forgiveness, but I was hurting so badly. I left for sitting room again and my son was confusedly crying. She came back and knelt before me and continued begging and weeping and begged we should go back to the room to discuss, at least to protect our son. After a while, i followed her. There was nothing to say; the same weeping, crying and promises to not do it again and swearing that they never had anything together. I told her I needed to talk to the guy and she pleaded I should not. I told her she is giving me an impression that she is protecting the guy so that she could continue her illicit affairs with him and told her it would not work. The can change tactics, but its is only a matter of time. I told her, I would forgive her, but I cannot trust her again and when there is no trust in marriage, the marriage is gone. I also told her I must engage that guy that she should give me his number, but she said her phone is no longer working. I made her feel comfortable that I have forgiven her, but honestly I am hurting. I went back to my laptop, continued chat with the guy on her messenger, but he was now online. We both slept on the same bed, i realised she could not sleep. In the middle of the night she woke me up to beg again, she was offering a make-up sexxx, but I was not interested. I told her i had forgiven her, but I am still hurting and there is no way i could have erection with her. In the morning, I checked her messanger, i discovered the iddiot has responded, still claiming to love her. I checked his profile, I realised he is a muslim, who has a wife with two kids. His location was not shown, but most of his pics her in Nigeria apart from two which have foreign background. I also realize he has limited posts on FB, but the phone number on his FB page is US phone number.

From my wife's FB account, I sent a message thus:

Hi, Mr Farouq, my name is Adams, I am Grace husband
I just wish to inform you that all the rubbish you have been doing with my wife are now exposed to me
I advise you in the name of whatever thing you believe, STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE.

I also realize you are a married man. If you have any moral integrity and respect for family values, you will know that
responsible men do not run after married women or break homes.

I do not care whatever you claim you think of her, just heed this warning STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE.

He read it an never respond. I went to her facebook setting and unfriended him.

I left home in the morning to go study in the library, but honestly, I could not assimilate anything. I am so emotionally broken down, so psychologically disturbed. The whole event kept playing in my head. I found it difficult to rationalise it. I continued to find fault in my being and my personality. I know I am very attractive handsome young man. Despite showing I am married, ladies still flock around me. I am also a passionate lovemaker. I dress well and look neat. I don't seem to understand where I have failed. Sometimes I just close my eyes and i feel tears dripping, but I have got to be strong. As for her, she has remained in the room since morning, hiding her head in shame and crying profusely. I have cut off communication with her since I came back from school and I have enganged myself in drinking spirit maybe my spirit will be strenghtened.

This is my story, this is my ordeal. Please I need advice.

Thanks.

Hello bro, I'll recommend you read The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi

My advice to guys and baes, when you are married or in a serious relationship, always prepare your mind against the worst so you won't be heart broken. A woman is like a horse, any man can ride on her. Sit hear down and tell her this - Why do I have been fooling myself when I know you love someone else? Only a fool breaks his own heart!!!

Afonjanightmare:
A man is a male human, a natural leader and the head of every "normal" family. My parents are still married after 36yrs, my mother still brings my dad his meal and carries the plate to the kitchen till date, my mom stands in front of my dad when he's talking (my dad is seated o!) note: my mom is a masters degree holder and an Assistant director in the federal ministry of labor and employment, no power tussle @ all in the family, everyone knows their place. See, this feminist movement brought by the whites won't work in Africa, quote me anywhere, let women submit to their husbands just as the Bible says, in Islam, you are allowed to marry 4wives hence you can take care of them.

In summary, the op is a weak and effeminated male who is not only a disgrace to humanity but a disgrace to other male species in the animal kingdom.

Guy go and fight for power with ur future wife and stop giving other people bad advices which will end up break ing their homes. Ur mother chose to be a submissive wife that's her character. I doubt the op married such a woman so forcing her to be like that will only destroy their marriage and their son. if u want to marry look for such a woman like ur mom they are still plenty and stop trying to force ur views oN other people. Sikena

lovelybugs:
Guy go and fight for power with ur future wife and stop giving other people bad advices which will end up break ing their homes. Ur mother chose to be a submissive wife that's her character. I doubt the op married such a woman so forcing her to be like that will only destroy their marriage and their son. if u want to marry look for such a woman like ur mom they are still plenty and stop trying to force ur views oN other people. Sikena

No one is forcing any views on anybody Mr man, just giving a perfect description of what a man should be

Well OP, you and your wife terribly deserve each other, you both want to eat your cake and still have it. You have a lot more in common than you can imagine.

Now you know how she felt when you were a lying 'chit' . But you know what? Nobody is perfect, nobody holy. To err is human. Yes, be mad, angry, kick something but please not her. Then calm down and go have that talk with her. Why? Why? Why? Then what can you both do to continue living as a happy couple. Guy, she dey beg you na. You sef gree!

betafuture:
I am very sorry, it seems like anytime I post on Nairaland is actually the time I have great challenges in my life, however, my posts also reflect the chronicle of my life. You may wish to check out my last posting about how I was sacked in the Bank with a debt that was guaranteed by a junior staff, whose job was threatened by the loan I obtained and she guaranteed for me. please find the link https://www.nairaland.com/2282140/loan-incured-before-termination-appointment Like I mentioned in that post, I got a job as with a Rep member and he appointed me as the Special assistant on a salary of 80k monthly and my boss paid my rent, of which I engage with my lender to take 50k with me monthly and right off the excess interest and stop disturbing the junior colleague, an arrangement they agreed to and everybody was fine, save that I had to struggle to cope with 30k monthly as a family man, working in Abuja. My wife never complained. I just gave her 25k from the salary, once received, to buy food for the family why I tried to manage with the remaining 5k. It was tough! Luckily, a junior lady cousin who works in a bank was posted to Abuja and we had to accommodate her. She was very kind and understood my plight. Sometimes, she drops up to 50k for my wife to augment the house expenses. She would tell me and sometimes, I would take additional 10k to ad to my pocket money.

The home was running, my son, my wife and my cousin, including myself were very happy. As a banker, I had learned the skill of marketing and networking and negotiation. In the course of my sojourn in the national assembly I met a head of a parastatal wjo needed me to do some strategic alliance between his organization and my boss. We later became great friends, and i realized I could access a scholarship to study in the UK through him. To cut the story short, I pursued this opportunity to the latter and I got a Federal government scholarship to pursue a Masters degree in the UK. I saw this as an opportunity to rewrite the story of my life. Two months in the UK, I began to look for means to bring my wife and son to join me in the UK. While I was in UK, I made it a point of duty to send 150k to my wife in Nigeria on monthly basis (Remember I was on scholarship) and I also do student work in the UK. Because we did not sell our car during the crisis, I also gave the custody of the car to her.

FIRST SUSPICION

When she was about coming to the UK with my 7 years old son, we decided to give out some of our home appliances and sell most of them including the car. Since I was not in Nigeria, she was to manage the transactions. Because I opened her e-mail address, i do see her mails, so i could see the alert on her GTB. The first thing that prompted me was that the amount she received for the sales of our car was 100k higher than what she declared to me. (The fund was meant to buy the flight tickets for her and my son). There were other expense transactions that were over declared, but the actual amount debited to her account were quite low. I did not confront her on these issues until she arrived UK with my son. When I did, I could see the way she manipulatively and professionally lied her way out of the whole issue. I did not pick an offense, hence i made her to understand that I was never convinced. Since then my instinct told me that if she could lie to me so much on finance, maybe there are other things going on in her life that I never known. However, I opened her Facebook account for her years ago in Nigeria, but I never bothered to check it. Out of curiosity, I tried login into her Facebook account and I discovered she has changed the password. My first reaction was to check it, but had I done that, she would have been conscious, then I used my skill as an trained IT security expert to crack her password and then access her Facebook. I ran through all her messenger message and everything was fine. Apart from a certain guy who always beg her for assistance and prayer, there was nothing really suspicious about her messanger and then, we continued with our normal life.

After a week in UK, she started to work as a carer (her visa permitted her to work fully), and she began to make money. I know how much enters her account and we decide how to spend. My son also start schooling and life began to have meaning again. I finished my masters with a distinction and the best graduating student in my department and my University offered me automatic admission for PhD, with part scholarship.l To remain, we needed to source funds to show evidence that my family can stay with me in the UK and show evidence of the balance of school fees. We sourced for money everywhere. She brought all she had and we had to borrow both from UK and Nigeria. My boss was very supportive and I commenced the PhD this September. As a family, we have a problem. My son is now 8 years and we have been trying to make another baby but it does not seem to be forthcoming. We have been to hospitals in the UK, we were both tested and once told my sperm motility was low, treated, but later we were considered both ok.

Since her arrival in the UK, I noticed that my wife suddenly repel sexxx. Sometimes, we had sexxxx just once in a month, she would find a way of brushing away by advances. At a level, i had to ask if there was any problem, but she said it was because of the new environment, her jobs and what have you. This further told me that all was not well in my marriage. She knows I love her and I would do anything for her. While we were yet trying to pay my tuition, her mum got a US visa and all the children were making contributions for her journey, I had to take from my school fees and send to Nigeria and manage my school to give us more time. I tried to ensure that we continually live like one happy family.

Do not let me sound like one perfect good guy. I had also lived a rough bad life in the past and she is aware. During my days in the bank, I had been sexually reckless and irresponsible. There was a time I left office to a gal house, fckked her and I never knew that the condom we used was stick to my shoe. I drove with it home, entered home very late at night, my wife was already angrily waiting for me in the house, only to see a used condom with sperm inside attached to the soul of my shoe. It was an issue that we had to battle with for weeks, even though I never confess it was from, I told a story that it must have got gummed to me at the mechanic village where I had gone to pick my car in the evening (She was aware that someone has accused my mechanic of having sexxx in his car, leaving condom at the back seat). after few weeks, we resolved the issue and we continued leaving normal life. However, there was also a time I suspected her activities on Facebook and I realised a guy whom she has known in the past has been pestering her and she seems to be encouraging him (That was during our period of financial crisis). I had confronted her, she had denied they never had anything but the guy was just pestering her. I apologised and went sober. I called the guy (who was also married) and lived in another faraway city. The guy denied having anything to do with her that she just knew her while growing up. The guy originally blasted me, but later called back and apologized and promised never to disturb her again. I was hurting for months, after which I forgave, forgot and moved on. Let me also state that during the period of my financial crisis, I made a covenant with God, after listening to a message, that whatever the case maybe, I will remain faithful to my wife. This I have manage to keep despite advances from both married and single friends and acquaintances.

THE REAL ISSUE

Now, we are living in the UK and very happy, she is working full-time, while I pursue my PhD full-time, work part-time and my son schools full-time and we were all happy, save the issue of delayed pregnancy and (to me, the poor sex life from her). Let me also state that I bought her a Samsung phone (when she arrived last year), which I have full access to because I know her password. Few months ago, she told me she wanted a bigger phone that she would send the one I bought her to my younger brother in Nigeria who had been disturbing her for a phone. Even though, I thought we did not need to spend money on a new phone at that crucial time because of the looming school expenses, I consented just for her to be happy and she got herself a Samsung galaxy s8 plus for 700pounds, which she would repay of 2 years. The first thing that prompted me about the phone was that she changed her password, but I never mind because I thought she was preventing my son, who always loved to play game on her phone from accessing the phone. However, after few weeks, I began to feel very uncomfortable about the whole stuff. My instinct just told me all was not well. Whatever was it, I could not place my finger on it. But after reviewing my work with my supervisor in the University yesterday, I just felt like going home to rest, instead of studying in the school and then, I met wife in the house with my son. She was trying to order some items online for my son for Christmas and on arrival, she gave her phone to select what we should buy for him, and then, the FB message came into her phone and I could read...'it is not what you think, I have been very busy'

I selected the item I thought was ok, gave returned her phone, picked my laptop and logged in to her Facebook. My wife pretended she was enganging me in discussion, but was responding to the message from a guy, who obviously was her lover and she wrote (I was reading from my computer without her knowledge) 'You know I will ALWAYS LOVE YOU'. and the other guy responded 'I love you more baby' (By this time, I was already burning on the seat, but I somehow managed to keep my calm). She wrote 'But you don't call me' ...and she stood up and went to the kitchen (I wanted to gather enough evidence before I reacted), but immediately she got to the kitchen, she deleted the conversation. At this time, I could not take it. My son was in the sitting room, watching cartoon. I went to her in the kitchen and aggressively confronted her. She originally pretended she did not know what I was saying, but when she say the aggression and seriousness in me she started begging and crying. I lost control of my emotion. I was angry and shouting. My son was there. He was too young, but very intelligent. he understood everything and began to blame his mum, at the same time asking me ti give mum a second chance. I was bitterly hurting. I felt like tearing her into pieces, but if I tried that in UK, it will be straight to jail. She could not state the reason behind her action. She was still trying to lie. She said the guy was her ex and they recently became friends on Facebook and the guy is trying to rekindle the old relationship. The guy is based in Nigeria, they do not even see. Everything she said was incoherently sense. All she wanted was that I should forgive her. I should not tell anybody. She cried, wept and what have you. I was hurting. If it were to by Nigeria, she would have left my house yesetrday, but in UK, it is difficult. The love turned to hatred. She managed to convince me to enter room with her, so that she will discuss the issue with me, without getting our son involved. In the room, it was the same crying and plea for forgiveness and a promise it would never happen again. I told her i was ok, but she would not let me out. I had to angrily shove her away from the door and she hit her head against the wardrobe. i was too angry, too sad, and too hateful to care. i called her all manners of unprintable names. I cursed her, I was just too angry. She kept begging. I left for the sitting room and she came back, knelt down before me and kept begging. My son was crying that two of us were making him sad. The young boy even threatened to tell his teacher in the school on monday. I was too angry to listen. I just told her to let me be. She stood up with tears in her eyes to enter the toilet, I checked her Facebook account again and realised that the lover had sent another message thus: "My dear I don't call you always to protect your home, but I always check your pictures every night before I go to bed" As I was reading, she stupidly deleted that again in the toilet. (Please note that my wife always post our family pictures on facebook, stating how I am the best husband in the world).

My anger erupted again and I rushed to meet her in the bathroom and asked her why she deleted the last message of the guy and she tearfully answered that she did not want me to see anything that could aggravate my anger the more. I angrily snatched the phone from her and smashed it on the floor. She knelt down at my feet and continued to cry and beg for forgiveness, but I was hurting so badly. I left for sitting room again and my son was confusedly crying. She came back and knelt before me and continued begging and weeping and begged we should go back to the room to discuss, at least to protect our son. After a while, i followed her. There was nothing to say; the same weeping, crying and promises to not do it again and swearing that they never had anything together. I told her I needed to talk to the guy and she pleaded I should not. I told her she is giving me an impression that she is protecting the guy so that she could continue her illicit affairs with him and told her it would not work. The can change tactics, but its is only a matter of time. I told her, I would forgive her, but I cannot trust her again and when there is no trust in marriage, the marriage is gone. I also told her I must engage that guy that she should give me his number, but she said her phone is no longer working. I made her feel comfortable that I have forgiven her, but honestly I am hurting. I went back to my laptop, continued chat with the guy on her messenger, but he was now online. We both slept on the same bed, i realised she could not sleep. In the middle of the night she woke me up to beg again, she was offering a make-up sexxx, but I was not interested. I told her i had forgiven her, but I am still hurting and there is no way i could have erection with her. In the morning, I checked her messanger, i discovered the iddiot has responded, still claiming to love her. I checked his profile, I realised he is a muslim, who has a wife with two kids. His location was not shown, but most of his pics her in Nigeria apart from two which have foreign background. I also realize he has limited posts on FB, but the phone number on his FB page is US phone number.

From my wife's FB account, I sent a message thus:

Hi, Mr Farouq, my name is Adams, I am Grace husband
I just wish to inform you that all the rubbish you have been doing with my wife are now exposed to me
I advise you in the name of whatever thing you believe, STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE.

I also realize you are a married man. If you have any moral integrity and respect for family values, you will know that
responsible men do not run after married women or break homes.

I do not care whatever you claim you think of her, just heed this warning STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE.

He read it an never respond. I went to her facebook setting and unfriended him.

I left home in the morning to go study in the library, but honestly, I could not assimilate anything. I am so emotionally broken down, so psychologically disturbed. The whole event kept playing in my head. I found it difficult to rationalise it. I continued to find fault in my being and my personality. I know I am very attractive handsome young man. Despite showing I am married, ladies still flock around me. I am also a passionate lovemaker. I dress well and look neat. I don't seem to understand where I have failed. Sometimes I just close my eyes and i feel tears dripping, but I have got to be strong. As for her, she has remained in the room since morning, hiding her head in shame and crying profusely. I have cut off communication with her since I came back from school and I have enganged myself in drinking spirit maybe my spirit will be strenghtened.

This is my story, this is my ordeal. Please I need advice.

Thanks.

Oga find a way and forgive your wife, and let things return normal again, I know it won't be easy but just try, remember, you were no saint, you cheated on her in the past, so put yourself in her shoes and restore love and peace in your home. May God help you in Jesus name amen

honestly i dont know anything about marriage, but to me there is something going on that u need to look in to bcus she may not like to do that b4 maybe there was a time she was bored due to suituation of things and d guy gave her comfort online based on what u post here dey may not have meet b4 u know woman like someone with cool talk that guy entered her with one advantage try to look to d advantage bcus thats d problem thats is frighend ur marriage dont hate ur wife pls, i pray u guys find peace in ur family

Afonjanightmare:
No one is forcing any views on anybody Mr man, just giving a perfect description of what a man should be

That is not how a man should be that's just a description of u and ur fathers behaviours expecting other people to be like is just wrong.its a good thing to share ur opinion but be careful there are a lot of young guys here who would read ur post and think that how the ideal behaviour of a wife not knowing that it might not work in this generation.