I am the first son of my father who is now late.

When my father died some 11 years ago, I relocated to Lagos to finish my schooling. I lived with my aunt then but I had to leave their home because I was being abused. Upon leaving my aunt's house, things became so difficult for me but I persevered with my education till I finished my bachelors.

During my lean years, I fell out with most of my family members. My mom refused to speak to me for three years, I was essentially the outcast of the family. During this period, my mom and some elders in our family gave out my sisters hand in marriage.

The couple had a trad/white wedding. Bride price was paid, all the customs of our people were followed save for one: the consent or knowledge of the first son. I wouldn't get to hear about this marriage until six months later. That night, I cried because their action proved that I was nobody, a nothing to my mom and siblings.

Anyways, I kept on working hard and soon became comfortable. I mended fences with everyone in my family, but even at that, no one offered an explanation why things unfolded the way it did or an apology. I didn't make any noise, I just picked up myself and moved on after committing the lessons learned to mind.

Six years and two children later, my sisters marriage has hit the rocks.

Now they're asking me as the first born to mediate and talk to the man.

I REFUSED.

The man (sister's husband) won't speak to my mom or the other elders he had been dealing with regarding a possible reconciliation. My family know me to be a good mediator and peace maker and they are not wrong.

I refused because there is no point mediating in a marriage that was done over my head.

As it stands now, I have no interest in playing head of house or anything of such nature. I send money, I help make connections, I foot bills for everyone in the family but I leave their decision making to them since they discounted me right from the very beginning. I have no interest whatsoever in becoming a leader in that family.

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Since you've proven them wrong by working yourself up the ladder in their life time, be cool and let it slide.Help your sister and besides you're saving your family from disgrace. As they say "what is worth doing is what you do for others. Be kind.

Forgive your loved ones for hurting you. Do what you can live with. Do the right thing. Use this your 'gift' for good.

Hahaha. You have been vindicated and they learnt their lessons the hard way.My question for you is: "This is the burden of leadership,what will you lose if you mediate,at least if they eventually agree to part ways,it won't be "over your head"?

its ur time to act the fatherly and first son role u craved for,and u now acting like carrrot....shey be u have mend fences with every one

Emaggy:
Forgive your loved ones for hurting you. Do what you can live with. Do the right thing. Use this your 'gift' for good.

I am an absolutist: as far as I am concerned, there was no marriage. I have satisfied my conscience though.

Just know that you are not GOD and you cannot stop what is destined to be, you can only delay it.

She is still your sister, if you have an opportunity to try and ensure her happiness i think you should take it.
You can give them a piece of your mind after. Especially if u are successful in the mediation

Khd95:
its ur time to act the fatherly and first son role u craved for,and u now acting like carrrot....shey be u have mend fences with every one

Tradition is tradition.

In my place, if a piece of custom is not followed, it can still be done even after 100 years. The question no one has answered is why a simple phone call was not placed to me. Till today, no one has even bothered to explain or apologize.

Elders do not go to gatherings they were never invited to in the first place.

Bro....mk sure u suit urself 1st...allow d hurt 2 touch and overwhelm u a bit.u can't b JESUS CHRIST...d only perfect being i know of.i have a simple philosophy in life..no1 has d monopoly 2hurt another.if u werent there when d going was tough...u definitely have no business with me,when d going takes a softer stance.REFUSE THEIR ENTREATIES..AND LET THEM CLEAR THEIR MESS...let them know u r d 1st son 4 reason.

Patented:
She is still your sister, if you have an opportunity to try and ensure her happiness i think you should take it.
You can give them a piece of your mind after. Especially if u are successful in the mediation

Its not that easy!

If you have not been invited by either the wife ,or the husband, please stay out, hence they will ask you "is it your business?" If you have been invited, by all means forgive and forget. Intervene and save your SIS's marriage. They "ve wrong you, prove you are bigger and do it.

KOPT33:


Tradition is tradition.

In my place, if a piece of custom is not followed, it can still be done even after 100 years. The question no one has answered is why a simple phone call was not placed to me. Till today, no one has even bothered to explain or apologize.

Elders do not go to gatherings they were never invited to in the first place.

Tell them to complete the custom so you can act as a mediator or you let go of the past. Our Nigerian society gives less respect and attention to a poor struggling man. It's bad but that's just the reality in which we find ourselves in.

GoldenJAT:
Its not that easy!

yup, its not.....the right thing rarely is.

Its a terrible thing they did like you were dead and unimportant to them already.

You stand as her father and shoulnt have been neglected in anyway.If your mum couldnt intimate you why couldnt your siblings?It is an abomination in Igbo land.
My elder bro have.stood as my father for over 14 yrs now.Each and everyone of us ladies fully involve him in our marital activities evn while he was in his twenties.

Igbo si na ana akwanye ugwu akwanye
O bu Omenala

LadySarah:
Pls dont put your mouth unless ur sis calls for help.Its a terrible thing they did like you were dead already.

Continue to help out where you can

You understand my grouse perfectly. It is actually my sister that has persistently been asking me to do this. My mom asked me once but I reminded her that I am not aware if my sister is married or not so she did not ask further.

My Action Plan

Thanks to everyone who has contributed. An overwhelming majority of people have counseled that I maintain my course as it is the right thing to do. So, I will call my sister today and tell her not to ever discuss her marriage with me. She was 23 years old when she got married, so she wasn't a kid then.

To all the people who are saying I should forgive and recognize the marriage and then help work on mending it: thank you for your perspectives, but it is not the right approach for me.

Some people have asked what will happen to me when I get married: Truth be told, I don't care. When I get to that bridge I will cross it.

NwanyiAwkaetiti:
Tell them to complete the custom so you can act as a mediator or you let go of the past. Our Nigerian society gives less respect and attention to a poor struggling man. It's bad but that's just the reality in which we find ourselves in.

The only thing that can make sense but everyone is burying their head in the sand like ostriches, pretending what happened never happened.

Patented:
She is still your sister, if you have an opportunity to try and ensure her happiness i think you should take it.
You can give them a piece of your mind after. Especially if u are successful in the mediation

I do my absolute best for my family. More than 50% of my spending is on family. The only thing is that I don't know if my sister is married or not, and I have never said anything about the marriage till today. I don't see myself starting anytime soon.

Khd95:
its ur time to act the fatherly and first son role u craved for,and u now acting like carrrot....shey be u have mend fences with every one

How old are you?

Emaggy:
Forgive your loved ones for hurting you. Do what you can live with. Do the right thing. Use this your 'gift' for good.

I am actually clear-headed with everyone in my family. Just that I live in self-perpetuated ignorance of my sisters marriage.

What would have been your reaction to the whole thing if you were me?

Wealthandjobs:
Hahaha. You have been vindicated and they learnt their lessons the hard way.My question for you is: "This is the burden of leadership,what will you lose if you mediate,at least if they eventually agree to part ways,it won't be "over your head"?

Thank you for your contribution. This "burden of leadership" is something I have excused myself from and would never be taking up. My conscience is clear.

What would you do if you were in my shoes.

KOPT33:


I am actually clear-headed with everyone in my family. Just that I live in self-perpetuated ignorance of my sisters marriage.

What would have been your reaction to the whole thing if you were me?

..I stand with you bro...but on d long run..ur still d first son..I tink d family understands that now

Your mom has some explanations to make. Until that is done, do nothing.

Two statements that destroy people:

(1) Leave everything to God (yeah, leave everything to god including your commonsense)

(2) Forgive and forget (oh, what about correct, forgive and forget?)

I can imagine how you felt going through all that torture. But you know what, forgive them but never forget, show them you aren't like them. Continue with the help you render to your family, but Never forget.

KOPT33:


Thank you for your contribution. This "burden of leadership" is something I have excused myself from and would never be taking up. My conscience is clear.

What would you do if you were in my shoes.

I will mediate but strictly on my terms . I will determine time,location and attendees/witnesses of the meeting after I am convinced of their genuine remorse.

Do what u can

African....no Nigerian parent don't know how to say 'am sorry',op,if you're waiting for your mum to openly say sorry,it might take a while.Just teach them you are more mature and responsible through your attitude, protect your sister, she's family.(it's not easy sha but try).

Just mediate without their knowledge..

You should stay put and don’t mediate.

Traditional and custom wise, as far as you are concern, your sister is not yet married. They have to complete what the customs dictates before you make any move.

As the first son, you are the custodial of your family customs and traditions and cannot be seem as the one helping to undermine it. Tell your Sister and your Mom that, you are not aware of her marriage and that, your door is open, if they want to come and make things right.

And it does not require much to make things right, in my place, a bottle of wine or local gin is enough, it is not that you need their money or for them to come and pay homage to you.

Na wah