selfemployed:
Op you are right in your decision.

But just count the cost before you conclude.

What will you gain if your sisters marriage crashes?

Unhappiness, She may become a liability, She may become wayward and fall into wrong hands. Etc.


What will you gain if you bury your ego and make peace between them?

More blessings... especially for their children

Blessed are the peacemakers....

Life is not worth living in pains. Everyone will still end up six feet below where there's no ego


[sup][/sup]

I wonder what you smoke?

KOPT33:
I am the first son of my father who is now late.

When my father died some 11 years ago, I relocated to Lagos to finish my schooling. I lived with my aunt then but I had to leave their home because I was being abused. Upon leaving my aunt's house, things became so difficult for me but I persevered with my education till I finished my bachelors.

During my lean years, I fell out with most of my family members. My mom refused to speak to me for three years, I was essentially the outcast of the family. During this period, my mom and some elders in our family gave out my sisters hand in marriage.

The couple had a trad/white wedding. Bride price was paid, all the customs of our people were followed save for one: the consent or knowledge of the first son. I wouldn't get to hear about this marriage until six months later. That night, I cried because their action proved that I was nobody, a nothing to my mom and siblings.

Anyways, I kept on working hard and soon became comfortable. I mended fences with everyone in my family, but even at that, no one offered an explanation why things unfolded the way it did or an apology. I didn't make any noise, I just picked up myself and moved on after committing the lessons learned to mind.

Six years and two children later, my sisters marriage has hit the rocks.

Now they're asking me as the first born to mediate and talk to the man.

I REFUSED.

The man (sister's husband) won't speak to my mom or the other elders he had been dealing with regarding a possible reconciliation. My family know me to be a good mediator and peace maker and they are not wrong.

I refused because there is no point mediating in a marriage that was done over my head.

As it stands now, I have no interest in playing head of house or anything of such nature. I send money, I help make connections, I foot bills for everyone in the family but I leave their decision making to them since they discounted me right from the very beginning. I have no interest whatsoever in becoming a leader in that family.

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

-Let me have your sister’s contact. I will help her myself. Most of this marriage issues are mostly environment and financial issues. She has kids to support. I don’t know where you come from, in Igboland we say: When a man grows, he waits for others.

KOPT33:


I am an absolutist: as far as I am concerned, there was no marriage. I have satisfied my conscience though.

Your own conscience and words judge you...and they judge you wrong. That's why you are here.
If the above you said is true, (about satisfying your conscience), then why did you still bring the matter to nairaland?
You know you're wrong but you needed to hear it from someone else, Else you won't bother opening this thread.
Let me tell you the truth.
You're still hurt. You provide for them just to let them know you are very OK...and to derive the respect you want. Not because you really wanted to.
You still hold grudges against them in your heart...you may deny it but its true.
Listen. This is a test for you. God wants to bless you and make you even greater. God wants to bless your family through you...that all may know that the rejected stone has now become the cornea stone.
But you need to let the bitterness go. Forgive, then Mediate in the matter.

It will be solved through the wisdom God has given you already.
Then they will marvel at you. And say....blessed are the peace makers...for they shall be called the sons of God.

DukeNija:


Which stupid sister? Does he look like someone that has a sister? You think sister is just a title you are given? Oga Abeg shift cos as far as I’m concerned he does not have a family.

You don't have to pay people back with their own coin.

The only thing he can gain there is to satisfy his ego.

There are things you cannot change. Your sister is your sister. Her children are her children. What has happened has happened. Everyone must live. Forget all the talk about tradition that adds no real value to a person's life.

If there's any thing he can do to save his sister's marriage, he should do it. The sister will thank him later.

Unless if the marriage is not redeemable. Then everyone should go his separate ways.

DukeNija:


Mother Theresa we have heard you.

I totally understand where you're coming from.

It's human nature to always seek revenge.

So for most of you humans still operating on the basic level of human consciousness, let's just say seeking revenge is a basic instinct for you guys.

But when you eventually becomes a civilized and refined human soul, you will start to realize the futility and vanity therein in bearing grudges and seeking revenge.

This shit is annoying me now! I have observed that most people like taking advantage of others to hurt them,and when things change for better they will come to emotionally blackmail u into accepting them. And religion is not helping in this regard,it makes u look like the bad person when once u bring principles to checkmate all these wicked people who take pleasure in hurting them. Our customs and value systems are eroding because some wicked people can easily maneuver them and go scot free without any punishment for their actions. It is too bad,really!

KOPT33:
I am the first son of my father who is now late.

When my father died some 11 years ago, I relocated to Lagos to finish my schooling. I lived with my aunt then but I had to leave their home because I was being abused. Upon leaving my aunt's house, things became so difficult for me but I persevered with my education till I finished my bachelors.

During my lean years, I fell out with most of my family members. My mom refused to speak to me for three years, I was essentially the outcast of the family. During this period, my mom and some elders in our family gave out my sisters hand in marriage.

The couple had a trad/white wedding. Bride price was paid, all the customs of our people were followed save for one: the consent or knowledge of the first son. I wouldn't get to hear about this marriage until six months later. That night, I cried because their action proved that I was nobody, a nothing to my mom and siblings.

Anyways, I kept on working hard and soon became comfortable. I mended fences with everyone in my family, but even at that, no one offered an explanation why things unfolded the way it did or an apology. I didn't make any noise, I just picked up myself and moved on after committing the lessons learned to mind.

Six years and two children later, my sisters marriage has hit the rocks.

Now they're asking me as the first born to mediate and talk to the man.

I REFUSED.

The man (sister's husband) won't speak to my mom or the other elders he had been dealing with regarding a possible reconciliation. My family know me to be a good mediator and peace maker and they are not wrong.

I refused because there is no point mediating in a marriage that was done over my head.

As it stands now, I have no interest in playing head of house or anything of such nature. I send money, I help make connections, I foot bills for everyone in the family but I leave their decision making to them since they discounted me right from the very beginning. I have no interest whatsoever in becoming a leader in that family.

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

My Chairman, i dont know if i am just different but most of the advice here are rubbish. Most times people just go off... and think money is everything and then find their way back after making it not knowing that place doesnt exist anymore everyone moved past it and if you abandoned them because you do not have money then i dont know what to say unless they are the ones that abandoned you cos you do not have anyway to support and struggling but they refused to understand. So now, you said you did not speak with your mum for 3years, that is really hard... you also said you were the outcast. Now, again, did you abandon them?? If you did, then you cannot blame them for giving your sister out, you were not available and are they going to wait until you make it to get married But, again, if they were the ones that pushed you away because you no dey roger, then, it is good if you are now supporting and i will say, go ahead and mediate and try to settle it but let everyone know what they did was wrong period.

KOPT33:


I am an absolutist: as far as I am concerned, there was no marriage. I have satisfied my conscience though.

Now listen well and listen carefully first I'll say forgive them but don't ever indulge in any of those they're asking you to do..... They've finally remember that the rejected stone will soon become the corner stone...... tell them to go and meet those elders that gave their hands in marriage cause you're not aware they're married.........don't ever listen to plead from anybody until they learn how to acknowledge you as the first son and do things right...... Nigerians will ruin your life and expect you to forgive them and move forward with them like it never happened which is why this country is so backward..... do the above and earn yourself some respect.... don't listen to pleads from anyone be it your mum because she's the root of your problems....tnx

nnamdiosu:


Your own conscience and words judge you...and they judge you wrong. That's why you are here.
If the above you said is true, (about satisfying your conscience), then why did you still bring the matter to nairaland?
You know you're wrong but you needed to hear it from someone else, Else you won't bother opening this thread.
Let me tell you the truth.
You're still hurt. You provide for them just to let them know you are very OK...and to derive the respect you want. Not because you really wanted to.
You still hold grudges against them in your heart...you may deny it but its true.
Listen. This is a test for you. God wants to bless you and make you even greater. God wants to bless your family through you...that all may know that the rejected stone has now become the cornea stone.
But you need to let the bitterness go. Forgive, then Mediate in the matter.

It will be solved through the wisdom God has given you already.
Then they will marvel at you. And say....blessed are the peace makers...for they shall be called the sons of God.

Guy, u r preaching dust! Read up Joseph story in the Bible,true forgiveness was achieved when the whole family came to know the true,and felt remorse for what they did to him.so forget! We are born in the flesh therefore not like Jesus who can bare any pains. The OP's siblings really need to know how hurt he is,and they must genuinely seek for forgiveness.

KOPT33:
I am the first son of my father who is now late.

When my father died some 11 years ago, I relocated to Lagos to finish my schooling. I lived with my aunt then but I had to leave their home because I was being abused. Upon leaving my aunt's house, things became so difficult for me but I persevered with my education till I finished my bachelors.

During my lean years, I fell out with most of my family members. My mom refused to speak to me for three years, I was essentially the outcast of the family. During this period, my mom and some elders in our family gave out my sisters hand in marriage.

The couple had a trad/white wedding. Bride price was paid, all the customs of our people were followed save for one: the consent or knowledge of the first son. I wouldn't get to hear about this marriage until six months later. That night, I cried because their action proved that I was nobody, a nothing to my mom and siblings.

Anyways, I kept on working hard and soon became comfortable. I mended fences with everyone in my family, but even at that, no one offered an explanation why things unfolded the way it did or an apology. I didn't make any noise, I just picked up myself and moved on after committing the lessons learned to mind.

Six years and two children later, my sisters marriage has hit the rocks.

Now they're asking me as the first born to mediate and talk to the man.

I REFUSED.

The man (sister's husband) won't speak to my mom or the other elders he had been dealing with regarding a possible reconciliation. My family know me to be a good mediator and peace maker and they are not wrong.

I refused because there is no point mediating in a marriage that was done over my head.

As it stands now, I have no interest in playing head of house or anything of such nature. I send money, I help make connections, I foot bills for everyone in the family but I leave their decision making to them since they discounted me right from the very beginning. I have no interest whatsoever in becoming a leader in that family.

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

/
Not your problem.


Let them sort themselves out.

/"

Thegeneralqueen:
Now listen well and listen carefully first I'll say forgive them but don't ever indulge in any of those they're asking you to do..... They've finally remember that the rejected stone will soon become the corner stone...... tell them to go and meet those elders that gave their hands in marriage cause you're not aware they're married.........don't ever listen to plead from anybody until they learn how to acknowledge you as the first son and do things right...... Nigerians will ruin your life and expect you to forgive them and move forward with them like it never happened which is why this country is so backward..... do the above and earn yourself some respect.... don't listen to pleads from anyone be it your mum because she's the root of your problems....tnx

Seconded. A gallon of chilled palmwine to you

KOPT33:


I am an absolutist: as far as I am concerned, there was no marriage. I have satisfied my conscience though.

Brother. I am the 1st born of my family. With 3 siblings (two ladies). I am Delran. If anyone of them is given out in marriage without my knowing I would not even do half of what you have done.
You have done well bro. You have no business being involved in what you were not from the onset.
More importantly., I might be wrong but you have to be careful of that family. They may not be happy you proved them wrong about you.

Also know that God forbid, should you relapse financially they will all desert you.

So be very wise in your dealings with them.
Further,, it is also important you let them explain why they left you out about initio only to come running back now. These are very salient points you have to take note of bro.
Cheers to you bro!!

selfemployed:


So what will he gain if the sister's marriage crashes just because he refused to mediate?

If his sister’s marriage crashes, it is his sister and her husband’s fault for not working on their marriage. You now want to put the sister’s marriage crash on top of OP’s head, manipulation at its finest.

KOPT33:


Tradition is tradition.

In my place, if a piece of custom is not followed, it can still be done even after 100 years. The question no one has answered is why a simple phone call was not placed to me. Till today, no one has even bothered to explain or apologize.

Elders do not go to gatherings they were never invited to in the first place.

Nna gi muru gi

You didn't state d main reason for the turbulence in her marriage...



My brother I have one simple advice for you... pretend they never told you anything... if they persist you mediate... tell them to turn to God...

elektra:


If his sister’s marriage crashes, it is his sister and her husband’s fault for not working on their marriage. You now want to put the sister’s marriage crash on top of OP’s head, manipulation at its finest.

Why are they looking for him to mediate if he has nothing to offer.

The adults involved in marriage are fully responsible for the outcome. But if they ask you for help in any form, don't deny them for any reason if it's in your power to do so.

Acidosis:

Your mom has some explanations to make. Until that is done, do nothing.

Two statements that destroy people:

(1) Leave everything to God (yeah, leave everything to god including your commonsense)

(2) Forgive and forget (oh, what about correct, forgive and forget?)

Abi ..... exactly

PoliticalChinex:
Purge yourself of past grudges from your family and do something fast!!


If your sister's marriage breaks, u will still be involved!


Stop acting like small pikin and be a man!


If France and England can forgive Germany after causing them so much deaths and destructions in World Wars, why can't u simply forgive ur family! !

If u easily forgive without spelling out ur hurt,then be ready to be hurt again. In this part of the world,we take things to lightly. I recall my father disowning my elder sister and myself when things went south with my mom and himself. He refusing footing our bills n so mom had to struggle to train us. But at JSS2 when my dad heard that I won Shell scolarship and was the best in class,he came apologising to my mum,saying that he wants us back. I refused initially to forgive him,in fact I put him through a lot of stress. Why should I easily forgive a man who almost ruined my life! If mom was not strong for us and I was a dull child,perhaps he wouldn't have bothered. truth is,I don't joke with NY happiness. i dont allow people to mess up my mood and psychy and think they can try those emotional blackmails when the table turns!

Two wrong doesn't make things right, be glad that you are the light shining at this moment of their lives. Mediate in the marital crisis and help it to be resolved. If you fail to do so and the marriage collapses you will wish that you intervened.

You have to forgive and let go, you will be blessed for that.

Bro. You right for steps..
The best i can tell you is '' more silence towards matters ''
since your acknowledgment was not valued..
So they equally don't value words.
Abi?
Match on with your life and help only when your mind tells you to do.
Please and Please do not question any action rather just laugh over it all.

Am also a 1st son, i know what it feels like.
#oneLOVEbrother

KOPT33:
I am the first son of my father who is now late.

When my father died some 11 years ago, I relocated to Lagos to finish my schooling. I lived with my aunt then but I had to leave their home because I was being abused. Upon leaving my aunt's house, things became so difficult for me but I persevered with my education till I finished my bachelors.

During my lean years, I fell out with most of my family members. My mom refused to speak to me for three years, I was essentially the outcast of the family. During this period, my mom and some elders in our family gave out my sisters hand in marriage.

The couple had a trad/white wedding. Bride price was paid, all the customs of our people were followed save for one: the consent or knowledge of the first son. I wouldn't get to hear about this marriage until six months later. That night, I cried because their action proved that I was nobody, a nothing to my mom and siblings.

Anyways, I kept on working hard and soon became comfortable. I mended fences with everyone in my family, but even at that, no one offered an explanation why things unfolded the way it did or an apology. I didn't make any noise, I just picked up myself and moved on after committing the lessons learned to mind.

Six years and two children later, my sisters marriage has hit the rocks.

Now they're asking me as the first born to mediate and talk to the man.

I REFUSED.

The man (sister's husband) won't speak to my mom or the other elders he had been dealing with regarding a possible reconciliation. My family know me to be a good mediator and peace maker and they are not wrong.

I refused because there is no point mediating in a marriage that was done over my head.

As it stands now, I have no interest in playing head of house or anything of such nature. I send money, I help make connections, I foot bills for everyone in the family but I leave their decision making to them since they discounted me right from the very beginning. I have no interest whatsoever in becoming a leader in that family.

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Wetin them do hind make papa nor hear now them want make papa look into the matter bros Bleep them up no level forgive ness is a sin

Elliot2:
This shit is annoying me now! I have observed that most people like taking advantage of others to hurt them,and when things change for better they will come to emotionally blackmail u into accepting them. And religion is not helping in this regard,it makes u look like the bad person when once u bring principles to checkmate all these wicked people who take pleasure in hurting them. Our customs and value systems are eroding because some wicked people can easily maneuver them and go scot free without any punishment for their actions. It is too bad,really!

Thank you jare. We are always eager to use religion to blackmail people.

You are the one that passed through the turbulence alone and you know the answer to your question. As for me, I will cut them off and live like an island. Don't let people use religion to prey on your conscience. You even tried offering them help. That your sisters marriage crashed is the problem between her husband and herself. If you involve yourself, they will use you to settle quarrel and you become the bad person.
Let them go and seek a marriage counselor or better still the elders that collected her bride price.

In fact let me tell you this truth. With that kind of family, if your success hits a rock they will abandone you again and again. It is because you have become a success they are drawing closer. It doesn't seem genuine to me until they explain their action for those turbulent years.

NwanyiAwkaetiti:
Tell them to complete the custom so you can act as a mediator or you let go of the past. Our Nigerian society gives less respect and attention to a poor struggling man. It's bad but that's just the reality in which we find ourselves in.

your last sentence. Spot on.

I DON'T HAVE LEGS SO I WONT BE IN YOUR SHOES.

KOPT33:
I am the first son of my father who is now late.

When my father died some 11 years ago, I relocated to Lagos to finish my schooling. I lived with my aunt then but I had to leave their home because I was being abused. Upon leaving my aunt's house, things became so difficult for me but I persevered with my education till I finished my bachelors.

During my lean years, I fell out with most of my family members. My mom refused to speak to me for three years, I was essentially the outcast of the family. During this period, my mom and some elders in our family gave out my sisters hand in marriage.

The couple had a trad/white wedding. Bride price was paid, all the customs of our people were followed save for one: the consent or knowledge of the first son. I wouldn't get to hear about this marriage until six months later. That night, I cried because their action proved that I was nobody, a nothing to my mom and siblings.

Anyways, I kept on working hard and soon became comfortable. I mended fences with everyone in my family, but even at that, no one offered an explanation why things unfolded the way it did or an apology. I didn't make any noise, I just picked up myself and moved on after committing the lessons learned to mind.

Six years and two children later, my sisters marriage has hit the rocks.

Now they're asking me as the first born to mediate and talk to the man.

I REFUSED.

The man (sister's husband) won't speak to my mom or the other elders he had been dealing with regarding a possible reconciliation. My family know me to be a good mediator and peace maker and they are not wrong.

I refused because there is no point mediating in a marriage that was done over my head.

As it stands now, I have no interest in playing head of house or anything of such nature. I send money, I help make connections, I foot bills for everyone in the family but I leave their decision making to them since they discounted me right from the very beginning. I have no interest whatsoever in becoming a leader in that family.

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

From your account you fell apart with your aunt, this definitely affects your relationship with your family because they may believed you didn't represents the family very well. Though I could not understand not in talking terms with your mother for three years. Don't believe that you are totally right in the whole happenings.

You've forgive them according to your submission. But you have not for go. For the fact that you are one of the most blessed among your siblings today doesn't mean you always be the richest.

This is an opportunity for you to right the wrong please go ahead and reconcile your sister with her husband, there and then you can make your pronouncements that their marriage is not yet valid. Use the occasion to right the wrong. It is GOD that crown your efforts many are educated and did hustle more than you do yet are not OK financially.

Please be a good leader God had appointed you. If you don't play any role and they both reconcile. What will be your feelings.

As for your mother you will never know her value until she is no more. May God gives her longer life. During your years of differences with your family do you thinks she will not always remembered you in her prayers? Even up till now you don't know and will never know her full role in your life spiritually and otherwise.

Please remember your Dad and be a true leader. Don't listen to those who are yet to understand what life is all about.

AVECDEO:
Since you've proven them wrong by working yourself up the ladder in their life time, be cool and let it slide.Help your sister and besides you're saving your family from disgrace. As they say "what is worth doing is what you do for others. Be kind.

I love the bolded quote. Well said

Nawa oo its unbelievable that a first son wasn't invited to his sisters traditional rights in Africa.

don't help her, they took you for a nobody back then.

Housing:
[s]From your account you fell apart with your aunt, this definitely affects your relationship with your family because they may believed you didn't represents the family very well. Though I could not understand not in talking terms with your mother for three years. Don't believe that you are totally right in the whole happenings.

You've forgive them according to your submission. But you have not for go. For the fact that you are one of the most blessed among your siblings today doesn't mean you always be the richest.

This is an opportunity for you to right the wrong please go ahead and reconcile your sister with her husband, there and then you can make your pronouncements that their marriage is not yet valid. Use the occasion to right the wrong. It is GOD that crown your efforts many are educated and did hustle more than you do yet are not OK financially.

Please be a good leader God had appointed you. If you don't play any role and they both reconcile. What will be your feelings.

As for your mother you will never know her value until she is no more. May God gives her longer life. During your years of differences with your family do you thinks she will not always remembered you in her prayers? Even up till now you don't know and will never know her full role in your life spiritually and otherwise.

Please remember your Dad and be a true leader. Don't listen to those who are yet to understand what life is all about. [/s]

where was God when he was treated like a nobody because he was poor?

toniacan:
Two wrong doesn't make things right, be glad that you are the light shining at this moment of their lives. Mediate in the marital crisis and help it to be resolved. If you fail to do so and the marriage collapses you will wish that you intervened.

where were you when he was taken for granted because he was poor? smh