Good day everyone,

I feel all alone and not heard, more like the whole world against me, hence me coming on here to see th best way I could seek any advice.

I’ll do my best to be very brief and concise and go straight to the point.

You have a good job, independent and everything, you meet the love of your life, boom date and get married and travel out of the country to start your lives. Of course you would resign and leave your comfort zone. In other words that’s what I did of course and travelled.

As I said to go straight to the point. Got married early this year and as usual the first year marriage woes, arguments and misunderstandings but nothing out of the extra ordinary.

Hubby and I had a misunderstanding this faithful day and while he’s not violent, He knows how to spit venom from his mouth. His words would pierce your soul or any deeper than his soul. Words were exchanged on both sides and he said things I had told him in confidence, my weakness and threw it on me and I reacted physically by pushing him. We didn’t talk for 2 days and and then the next day he left the house in the morning.. I went out hours later only for my dad to call me in the night from Nigeria to mention my husband had called him and told him everything how I pushed him, he’s left the house to go somewhere etc... And not only that he told all his family members. I felt so hurt being that I do not have anyone here and because he has his own family.

Issue now is we have talked including our parents etc. but he said he’s not going to come back to the house now until I assure him and work for it. I have to prove to him why he should come back home.

I would like to ask for suggestions, while aim very hurt and in shame, I can’t express it as my pushing has overshadowed everything. He even told his folks our other petty fights and the words I’ve said to him etc They have said I am the woman and the one who did the violence so I have no choice.

This is the best I could summarize so I left a whole lot of details but what am I supposed to do to make him come back home?

No excuse for violence regardless of provocation, either walk away or zone out or record the verbal abuse.


That being said, apologise for pushing him, you both should see a counselor to move forward without verbal or physical violence

Eketem:
No excuse for violence regardless of provocation, either walk away or zone out or record the verbal abuse.


That being said, apologise for pushing him, you both should see a counselor to move forward without verbal or physical violence

I know and admit.i have already apologized and pleaded and all. He said he has heard me but I have to prove to him and work for for it to make him come back home. I don’t know if it’s by showing more affection... he said I have to figure out what to do from here without him being with me.

Give him time and space. He also needs to want the marriage and take responsibility for his part in the fight.


I find the demands a little manipulative, let him too want to come back to the marriage and also understand that verbal abuse should not continue. I assure you that if you fall in this trap he will continue to belittle you until you snap

Did you have a long distance relationship before tying the knot?
Seems to me you both didn't understand or spend time enough to check out each other's temperament. That said,you both can't raise your voices at each other when there is an issue,One person has to learn to cool it when the other is raging.

You have apologised,continue to.Ask that you both meet somewhere neutral and have a talk.

He needs to forgive and let go.I wonder why he has to tell everybody what happened between you both.Immaturity!He needs to be a man and handle his issues.
He must want the marriage too so he has to try to make it work.

Pls when narrating a story, don't paint the other person like the devil and appear like a saint to the readers. Don't tell me you didn't also say words to him that pierced his soul too.

dingbang:
Pls when narrating a story, don't paint the other person like the devil and appear like a saint to the readers. Don't tell me you didn't also say words to him that pierced his soul too.

If you read what I wrote, I said words were exchanged.. didn't say I didn’t use any bad words on him but it was more like a reply to his own. He doesn’t just exchange bad words, he uses words enough to pierce your soul. For example, you tell your wife maybe you are sick, or something personal, tomorrow there’s an argument and she uses that on you and call you sick man or that’s why your Mum doesn’t call you etc.

Eketem:
Give him time and space. He also needs to want the marriage and take responsibility for his part in the fight.


I find the demands a little manipulative, let him too want to come back to the marriage and also understand that verbal abuse should not continue. I assure you that if you fall in this trap he will continue to belittle you until you snap

That’s the issue he said if I like I should give him space and not do anything, it won’t help matters... that I have to do something to prove to him without him being near me and also it’s like everyone is looking at me... As the culprit and the one to mend this so I don’t even have a choice of just leaving it and not doing anything.

thorpido:
Did you have a long distance relationship before tying the knot?
Seems to me you both didn't understand or spend time enough to check out each other's temperament. That said,you both can't raise your voices at each other when there is an issue,One person has to learn to cool it when the other is raging.

You have apologised,continue to.Ask that you both meet somewhere neutral and have a talk.

He needs to forgive and let go.I wonder why he has to tell everybody what happened between you both.Immaturity!He needs to be a man and handle his issues.
He must want the marriage too so he has to try to make it work.

We do talk on the phone even him saying he’s worried I’m alone in the house etc it for him to want to come back, I should prove to him and show him.

You desperately want him back and he knows it and will milk it. I wish you both the best in the mind games not a fan.

Eketem:
You desperately want him back and he knows it and will milk it. I wish you both the best in the mind games not a fan.

Very Cold Reply. This is unfair. And what mind games am I playing?

Sadgirl1281:


We do talk on the phone even him saying he’s worried I’m alone in the house etc it for him to want to come back, I should prove to him and show him.

Ask to meet him somewhere,doesn't have to be where he stays presently.
He's dragging this too long and I think he's unnecessarily being manipulative.He keeps saying you should 'prove to him',yet he is absent.How do you do that? Through Skype?
Does he really love you?

Sadgirl1281:


Very Cold Reply. This is unfair. And what mind games am I playing?

It is your husband I was talking about playing mind games. Calm down didn't mean to hurt you.

I find it very manipulative and controlling, I wouldn't put up with it but if you are willing to then I was wishing you the best while you hopefully find a way to make this work. Sadly I have a feeling that it may just get worse

thorpido:
Ask to meet him somewhere,doesn't have to be where he stays presently.
He's dragging this too long and I think he's unnecessarily being manipulative.
Does he really love you?

That’s the pain I’m on here sharing. The way it is seen even from my own side(parents) is I pushed him, that’s violence so no matter what he said or did or when he even pushed me back, all that is by the way... Everyone around me is all on me to have to make him come back home because he is my husband, I pushed him and wouldn’t want a broken marriage, blah blah etc

He came once to visit for us to talk physically and he said he felt better now us talking but he won’t just easily come home after just one talk that I have to prove to him and show him and make him want to come back. So meeting somewhere else wouldn’t really be an option, it has to be more like him coming to the house again to talk and all or if all things maybe return.

Eketem:


It is your husband I was talking about playing mind games. Calm down didn't mean to hurt you.

I find it very manipulative and controlling, I wouldn't put up with it but if you are willing to then I was wishing you the best while you hopefully find a way to make this work. Sadly I have a feeling that it may just get worse

Eketem If I had my way and choice, I would have just left and walked away after all, I still have his family to face even if everything works out though the Mum has called me to even check on me and sympathize with me and advise me.
But imagine, his brother, sister, dad etc when I visit them how they would be looking at me ‘cos only God knows what and how he said to them.

I wish I could just walk away or ignore but I can’t..All eyes on me.

Sadgirl1281:


Eketem If I had my way and choice, I would have just left and walked away after all, I still have his family to face even if everything works out though the Mum has called me to even check on me and sympathize with me and advise me.
But imagine, his brother, sister, dad etc when I visit them how they would be looking at me ‘cos only God knows what and how he said to them.

I wish I could just walk away or ignore but I can’t..All eyes on me.

This is sadly the problem he knows you care about what people say and want him back hence the manipulation.


I am not saying walk away, I am saying let it be, he should also want the marriage

Sadgirl1281:


That’s the pain I’m on here sharing. The way it is seen even from my own side(parents) is I pushed him, that’s violence so no matter what he said or did or when he even pushed me back, all that is by the way... Everyone around me is all on me to have to make him come back home because he is my husband, I pushed him and wouldn’t want a broken marriage, blah blah etc

He came once to visit for us to talk physically and he said he felt better now us talking but he won’t just easily come home after just one talk that I have to prove to him and show him and make him want to come back. So meeting somewhere else wouldn’t really be an option, it has to be more like him coming to the house again to talk and all or if all things maybe return.

You DID it.It was DONE but you need to move from that.You have apologised to him and probably did to his family members too.Can't he(and them) move on from that?
It is not like you've done some unheard of thing in marriage,some have done worse(not supporting violence) but have resolved it and reconciled.
The question again is,does he really love you?

thorpido:
You DID it.It was DONE but you need to move from that.You have apologised to him and probably did to his family members too.Can't he(and them) move on from that?
It is not like you've done some unheard of thing in marriage,some have done worse(not supporting violence) but have resolved it and reconciled.
The question again is,does he really love you?

It's a power trip thing, he knows she needs him to come back so she will do anything he demands no matter what and he is exploiting it.

I wish she had more boldness to call his bluff. I would understand if he had zero tolerance for violence and wasn't doing the relationship again but it is clear he is just manipulative

You need to take a deep breath,find happiness within you, if your husband loves you,he will come back,a man who is comfortably painting his wife black in front of family members....

You should also find something doing,if he misses his wife, he will come home,you should also work on your anger

I just wish the husband can come on nairaland And give us his own side of the story. Cuz nowadays women just cone online and try to garner pity from social media.

Notionally, physical abuse and verbal vitriol - because they can be perceived - are worse than emotional and psychological abuses, but factually they aren't. You've a subjugator - the worst type - as a husband. He'll use both emotional entanglement and disparagement to kill you slowly, if the situation isn't nip in the bud immediately.

He's of the manipulative ethical leanings. If truly you don't share this same vices of attributes/ethical leanings with him (I don't pity people of the manipulative ethical leanings), give him ultimatum - professional counselling won't help him much, instead he must make self-conscious decision to change for good - to either embrace a change of ethical leanings or both of you go your separate ways. However, don't give him ultimatum if you can't carry it out. He has to make self-conscious decision (both of you have to individually make a promise to each other and live by it) to be relating with you conscientiously, both in words and actions.

In his present disposition (and if he's to maintain it), to have his understanding/be in his good book requires you being resourceful, productive and most importantly servile towards him - which is unwise.

As for his immediate demand from you, he expects a servile disposition from you. Maybe, you can lower your guard and use any servile action you can perfect to bring him home - play this one time fool for him - before marshalling out the ultimatum above.

thorpido:
You DID it.It was DONE but you need to move from that.You have apologised to him and probably did to his family members too.Can't he(and them) move on from that?
It is not like you've done some unheard of thing in marriage,some have done worse(not supporting violence) but have resolved it and reconciled.
The question again is,does he really love you?

According to him, if he didn’t love me, he would have walked out and ended it as violence is the limit.

I want to move on from that but how when he isn’t back home. My parents, family are in Nigeria... his whole world are right here in this country... So whatever the case before anything I have to bring him back home.

The painful part though I am not condoning any violence or pushing or whatsoever but this his family too both brother and sister that are married for years, are they also saying that they haven’t had any quarrel or such in their own marriage? My only pain is mine came open, the whole world just after few months of marriage

dingbang:
I just wish the husband can come on nairaland And give us his own side of the story. Cuz nowadays women just cone online and try to garner pity from social media.

And what would be different? What pity am I trying to gather from here? Maybe you didn’t even read my post and just wrote for the sake of writing? How am I gathering pity when I just explained what happened and asking how I could bring him back home as he had suggested. Geez!

chii8:
You need to take a deep breath,find happiness within you, if your husband loves you,he will come back,a man who is comfortably painting his wife black in front of family members....

You should also find something doing,if he misses his wife, he will come home,you should also work on your anger

That’s what I’ve been trying to do, he left about 3 days ago though we have been speaking... I couldn’t even tell my dad he wasn’t back home. Presently he’s even at his brother’s place with the whole family... Imagine my thoughts and how I’m feeling... while I am alone here no single family or so, he’s in a full house and only God knows what is being said about me.

LordKO:
Notionally, physical abuse and verbal vitriol - because they can be perceived - are worse than emotional and psychological abuses, but factually they aren't. You've a subjugator - the worst type - as a husband. He'll use both emotional entanglement and disparagement to kill you slowly.

He's of the manipulative ethical leanings. If truly you don't share this same vices of attributes/ethical leanings with him (I don't pity people of the manipulative ethical leanings), give him ultimatum - professional counselling won't help him much, instead he must make self-conscious decision to change for good - to either embrace a change of ethical leanings or both of you go your separate ways. However, don't give him ultimatum if you can't carry it out. He has to make self-conscious decision (both of you have to individually make a promise to each other and live by it) to be relating with you, both in words and actions, conscientiously.

In his present disposition (and if he's to maintain it), to have his understanding/be in his good book requires you being resourceful, productive and most importantly servile towards him - which is unwise.

As for his immediate demand from you, he expects a servile disposition from you. Maybe, you can lower your guard and use any servile action you can perfect to bring him home - play this one time fool for him - before marshalling out the ultimatum above.

That’s what I am trying to do, play the fool to bring him back home but he’s just making it so difficult that’s why I’m here asking what am I to do from here?

Sadgirl1281:


That’s what I am trying to do, play the fool to bring him back home but he’s just making it so difficult that’s why I’m here asking what am I to do from here?

E.g. you can go through his father, cry to him and pray him to help plead to him on your behalf - he'll call him while you're there crying, to his notice of course - to return home to you. Once more, it's an unwise thing to do, but it's a good thing that you understand the need to do it before taking the hard stance that will make or mar the union permanently.

Sadgirl1281:


According to him, if he didn’t love me, he would have walked out and ended it as violence is the limit.

I want to move on from that but how when he isn’t back home. My parents, family are in Nigeria... his whole world are right here in this country... So whatever the case before anything I have to bring him back home.

The painful part though I am not condoning any violence or pushing or whatsoever but this his family too both brother and sister that are married for years, are they also saying that they haven’t had any quarrel or such in their own marriage? My only pain is mine came open, the whole world just after few months of marriage

How did you meet and marry?Was it a long distance thing or match-making?I feel he really doesn't respect you or love you.

You have only one choice now.Get busy with yourself.Get into your works and take up hobbies to keep you busy.You will have to call his bluff and make yourself happy.Start to act like you really got things to do.It will cause him to wake up.
If he still doesn't seem to be forthcoming,one thing you will gain from this is to not having your husband treat you like a slave (guess he brought you abroad).

Eketem:
You desperately want him back and he knows it and will milk it. I wish you both the best in the mind games not a fan.

If you can't proffer any meaningful solution just shut up already. Stop putting more fire. Sadist like u

grafixdon:


If you can't proffer any meaningful solution just shut up already. Stop putting more fire. Sadist like u

Sorry

Sadgirl1281:


That’s what I’ve been trying to do, he left about 3 days ago though we have been speaking... I couldn’t even tell my dad he wasn’t back home. Presently he’s even at his brother’s place with the whole family... [b]Imagine my thoughts and how I’m feeling... while I am alone here no single family or so, he’s in a full house and only God knows what is being said about me[/b..

Stop worrying so much about what they are saying or thinking of you.You have to develop a thick skin.There is more to come in marriage or else you will have them walk all over you.

Sadgirl1281:
Good day everyone,

I feel all alone and not heard, more like the whole world against me, hence me coming on here to see th best way I could seek any advice.

I’ll do my best to be very brief and concise and go straight to the point.

You have a good job, independent and everything, you meet the love of your life, boom date and get married and travel out of the country to start your lives. Of course you would resign and leave your comfort zone. In other words that’s what I did of course and travelled.

As I said to go straight to the point. Got married early this year and as usual the first year marriage woes, arguments and misunderstandings but nothing out of the extra ordinary.

Hubby and I had a misunderstanding this faithful day and while he’s not violent, He knows how to spit venom from his mouth. His words would pierce your soul or any deeper than his soul. Words were exchanged on both sides and he said things I had told him in confidence, my weakness and threw it on me and I reacted physically by pushing him. We didn’t talk for 2 days and and then the next day he left the house in the morning.. I went out hours later only for my dad to call me in the night from Nigeria to mention my husband had called him and told him everything how I pushed him, he’s left the house to go somewhere etc... And not only that he told all his family members. I felt so hurt being that I do not have anyone here and because he has his own family.

Issue now is we have talked including our parents etc. but he said he’s not going to come back to the house now until I assure him and work for it. I have to prove to him why he should come back home.

I would like to ask for suggestions, while aim very hurt and in shame, I can’t express it as my pushing has overshadowed everything. He even told his folks our other petty fights and the words I’ve said to him etc They have said I am the woman and the one who did the violence so I have no choice.

This is the best I could summarize so I left a whole lot of details but what am I supposed to do to make him come back home?

You did wrong by touching or pushing him wen u had an argument, pls for whatever reason, never do that again you could end up commuting murder unintentionally, plsss if u cnt take the insult walk away till u calm down. I beg u

Having said this, this is the first and its good he called ur people not his, he still respects your dad. If he picks your call, call him at a time u feel he will be free, sincerely apologize and take responsibility for ur actions ,admit you made a mistake and you won't repeat it again. Tell him you will appreciate if both of you can work this together and you still want him back hone as your husband..... Watevwe he says determines wat happens, if he doesn't agree, pls let him be and try to find something to keep u busy.

Wen u apologize, u free your self and experience peace, find time to call your people just to chat with them to keep u busy too, but don't mention the issue, just get busy with good ppl.Focus on your work and be pleasant to the people you meet,live life and enjoy living it...Everyone makes mistakes and u have acknowledged urs, pls don't dwell in it for too long..

If a man loves u and wants you, he will come back to U, if he has something else keeping him out u can't force him back to you,

Rizzoli:


You did wrong by touching or pushing him wen u had an argument, pls for whatever reason, never do that again you could end up commuting murder unintentionally, plsss if u cnt take the insult walk away till u calm down. I beg u

Having said this, this is the first and its good he called ur people not his, he still respects your dad. If he picks your call, call him at a time u feel he will be free, sincerely apologize and take responsibility for ur actions ,admit you made a mistake and you won't repeat it again. Tell him you will appreciate if both of you can work this together and you still want him back hone as your husband..... Watevwe he says determines wat happens, if he doesn't agree, pls let him be and try to find something to keep u busy.

Wen u apologize, u free your self and experience peace, find time to call your people just to chat with them to keep u busy too, but don't mention the issue, just get busy with good ppl.Focus on your work and be pleasant to the people you meet,live life and enjoy living it...Everyone makes mistakes and u have acknowledged urs, pls don't dwell in it for too long..

If a man loves u and wants you, he will come back to U, if he has something else keeping him out u can't force him back to you,

If only it was as easy as you have written.

I admit I did wrong by touching/pushing him and I have apologized, even to his people... My dad even called from zinger is and apologized on my behalf.
To only did he call my people, he had reported to his own people before even calling my dad. So yes His whole family are aware not just his mum and dad but brother and sister and their respective partners I.e husband and wife

He isn’t ignoring my calls. We speak and talk. He said he even feels bad leaving me all alone st home especially when I have no one here but he has to do to this. I have to prove to him why he should come back home now. I have to work it out. And if I decide to give him space and not do anything, then it shows I’m not willing to work this marriage.

My dad has even told me to be humble and even play the fool but I haven’t even told my dad he’s yet to be back home.

Someone else was telling me maybe what he means is for to be showing affection from here.

I just don’t know.