₦airaland Forum

Guitarlife:
To be honest we have all learnt a thing or two , well I have so I think your suggestion here is also in good faith. Thank you for the advise and I will sure to remember that.


The end !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Guitarlife:
Ifeoma I can picture you with your mouth still wide open. Yes I ran away from her, I ran and never looked back. The rage, the temper displayed and like I stated the audacity was very distubing for me, if we decide she will handle something I should respect and accepet the manner she handles it even if I feel I could have done it better.

This ensures there are no conflicts and unnecessary arguments.

And can I point out that this was just a relationship, if we were married I'd have no choice than to swallow it ofcourse but am grateful it was not too late to run so I did an Usain Bolt

Bsbabe:
I also did not want to respond anymore as respectfully, it appears we have deep divergences on this topic but with this your last example, I can only say a big wow! I don't even know where to pick it up from so I will just leave it at the fact that I am wowed at your decision and the reason for it, especially the bolded.

With respect to the armed robber example you gave, I will also give you a real life example. I have an ex-colleague who's house was attacked in Lekki. Her husband scaled the fence and left his wife (with only a sheet around her), a pre-teen daughter and a baby boy with the armed robbers so go figure.

Ifeoma77:
No jokes, I started feeling feverish after reading your post.
I will put you in my prayers

vcole:
Our family friends’ home was attacked in Nigeria and the robbers shot and wife jumped in front of husband and took a bullet in her head and died.

Bsbabe:
@vcole, are you sure you guys are not us? My least loved room in the house - the kitchen. Where will you find my husband when he is off the sofa? The kitchen. Meanwhile, he doesn't know how to hold a drill. In fact, I have a date this weekend to set up the treadmill while he says 'well done'

Bsbabe:
"The rage"..."the temper"..."being irate"... "almost getting into a fight"... all these are from your perspective and is your side of the story though. And from the little we know of your expectations of women, even raising her voice a pitch higher may just be her showing enough disrespect to prove she can never be a 'submissive' wife.

And then I would ask, did you educate her that what she did was dangerous and why you had felt there was no need to get into a fight with the driver? If your sister had done it, would you have disowned her? No, you would have enlightened her because she is your sister and you love her and won't want her to do it again. Where was the love for your girlfriend here when your only reaction was to dump her because she simply didn't "fit the mould". That's the love Christ said husbands should have for their wives. In my opinion, you were looking for perfect submission where perfect love did not exist.

I really do wish you the best in finding what you seek but I believe you should take some time to think about what the married people here have told you and that is you will never find that perfectly submissive human being you seek as no human being (male or female) is wired to be an 'addendum' or a 'footnote'. You will have to sacrifice some of your firmly held beliefs for you to make that partnership work if you don't want it to end up being a failed project (and yes, I use the word partnership). My two cents.

Ndukaezennia1:
See my sister all these argument is just for talks. Bros did not like that babe finish. She did not fit into his ideal woman. All these ones were are stating here is gist. Most Naija men can relate with his dumping line. Once we want to ex a babe we feel we dont want to move forward with. We brand her disobedient and stubborn because there is nothing tangible we can hold her to. I can bet you that when @guitarlife meets a feminist that suits his ideal woman. We wont hear all these story. Loool!

Guitarlife:
This was the reason I broke my relationship, the prospect of waiting one year or more to sponsor a bride in a new marriage with both spouses thousands of kilometers apart appeared too depressing . I hope I can get a decent spouse in CAnny sha .....

These are the sort of sacrifices we have to make for a good life and secured future....

TheCongo2:
Gbam....

Imagine someone breaking his girl's heart just because he gets a Canadian Visa.
I knew there was more to this ...

Guitarlife:
I am a bit confused by your stand in the bolded ?
1. Are you saying its okay to divorce ?
2. Are you a christian or muslim, its the holy book that says women should submit if you want to have a happy and long lasting marriage not me (Turns out the book is right as nations that have this order reversed have the highest divorce rates).
3. Each person has a choice to make, for me I have decided it is in my best interest to avoid women who want to stand up to their men. Are you saying there are no women even in the western countries who do not consider submission slavery ? Are you saying all the women abroad stand up to their men and form equality?
4. Lastly, are you inferring that the only set of women that submit are those that are financially handicapped ?
5 . I had to address the last bolded, Marriage for you may appear like an hobby or a to-do list but for some men, men like me its a lifetime commitment to support and remain faithful to one partner. Now you'd agree it will be tragic to get married to a lady who thinks she has the right to pop out of marriage at the slightest hint of unhappiness like you have posited she has a right to, ofcourse she does but I do not pray to meet such a woman in this life .
I pray for a woman who understands the sanctity of marriage and is ready to weather the storm even in those times when things will not be rosy, this is life and not a film or hollywood fantasy movie, challenges will come and such a woman with the mindset you described above will run.

slimlanre:
I have been a silent observer on this thread for a while. I must commend the selfless efforts seen here.

@Salford, the bolded has been my prayer since the 1st time i had to go to the emergency two years ago when my wife was pregnant. After being triaged, we waited for close to 5 hours to see a doctor. I couldn't believe i was in the "emergency unit". We eventually lost the baby. It opened my eyes to the Healthcare system in Canada, precisely Calgary. It is a major challenge, the wait times, but since it is "free", most Canadians just live with it.

Guitarlife:
While I respect your opinion , yet again I am stating that the bolded already addresses that area of your concern.

Have you thought that the man can ask the woman to take the key and drive ? But one person has to lead, even a pack of wolves is not led by 2 it never works.
This clearly shows my position , I wonder why people intentionally choose to twist my position.
The man is the head of the home but from this statement you'd see that the wife is welcome to take initiatives too. This concept is learned over a lifetime for many and at times never learned for some so I won't expect that it'd be so easy for you to comprehend if you haven't already.

I have decided not to comment on this again but you have forced me now, let me explain something. Now A man his wife and 2 kids, an armed robber comes into the house and their is gun that the family can use to defend themselves and a place to hide for 2 people .

Which 3 people do you think will hide ? The wife and the 2 kids
Which person do you think will carry the gun and face the robber ? The man, he will put his life down for his family.

Now we have a situation where some one must carry the pregnancy while someone must wait and pray eagerly for safe delivery , who does what here ? The wife carries the pregnancy (An heroic thing and grossly underrated feat in this part of the world)

Now from my analogies you will see that the man and the woman are not equal but rather unique in their differences. The inability of western countries to acknowledge this uniqueness and accomodate it is responsible for the dysfunctionality of marriages over there.
For all their education and exposure marriages hard last 2 years and this should tell you there is something wrong somewhere, I am not saying the African approach is entirely perfect but the foundation has to be well laid to prevent problems.

Lastly, I will tell you something that should drive this home, this happened with my former babe and this was one of the major pointers for me that made me run. We were both travelling - a public transport, so what happened the car broke down in the middle of the road and the driver needed to give us part of the money we paid so we can board another vehicle to our final destination.

So lets just say we paid 10 naira and the journey had only gone 50% so technically the man was supposed to give us 5 naira right ? Well I told my bae to wait for me in the car, I went to meet the driver and after some back and forth the driver gave me 3 naira, I protested but I didnt get ahead so I came back to her and told her I got 3 naira and altho it was not fair we could just overlook the 2 naira.

My bae became irate went to meet the driver and got into a fit or rage long story short she succesfully retrieved 2 naira and came back to me grinning from ear to ear with a sense of accomplishment visibly written on her face. That moment I knew I had made a mistake being with her.
Why ? (Please note I paid for the journey 100%).

1. The rage and anger displayed was something I had never seen in her, I could never have imagined she was capable of such.
2. The audacity to go and re-negotiate with the driver was not only insensitive to me but showed a lack of respect for my judgement.
3. The reason I choose to allow the driver get away with the 2 naira was because I felt this illiterate drivers sometimes could be violent and dangerous and there was not point risking my life over 2 naira - now her decision to proceed to wrestle for the rest of the money to me showed a lack of proper orientation in value system.

So I had to type this much to put some things in perspective for you, like I said earlier relationship issues are quite tricky and this event I narrated was only the last straw the broke the camels back as I had seen some traces of this kind of behaviour at some time earlier.

Zutlin:
I can't explain how I feel reading your mindset towards marriage. Men like you scare me and one of my motivations to immigrate is to drastically reduce the chances of me and my unborn daughters coming across a man with your mindset. Sadly, your kind abounds in Nigeria.

You see, I understand you perfectly. My husband reasons just like you and he's always quick to bring religion and submission into the picture. I am a quiet and agreeable person and in hindsight, it's part of the reason he thought I would make a good wife. When I began pushing back by saying 'NO! This and that is inhumane and not acceptable', he labels me a nag, says I am unforgiving and always threatens divorce, all in a bid to shut me up. That threat really got me into 'submission'.

Maternal is right about the divorce rate in Nigeria being lower due to financial constraint. I tell you if Nigerian women had the needed support, many would have walked out. If I wasn't lucky to have a family that can financially, morally and emotionally support me, 'submission' would have been my lot.

Someday soon I plan to walk away. I do wish to get married again but the thought of being with a Nigerian man frightens me. I'm so drained I don't think I can go that route again.

**I'm sorry to share this much but I really wish men like you would understand better.**

Guitarlife:
I am a bit confused by your stand in the bolded ?
1. Are you saying its okay to divorce ?
2. Are you a christian or muslim, its the holy book that says women should submit if you want to have a happy and long lasting marriage not me (Turns out the book is right as nations that have this order reversed have the highest divorce rates).
3. Each person has a choice to make, for me I have decided it is in my best interest to avoid women who want to stand up to their men. Are you saying there are no women even in the western countries who do not consider submission slavery ? Are you saying all the women abroad stand up to their men and form equality?
4. Lastly, are you inferring that the only set of women that submit are those that are financially handicapped ?
5 . I had to address the last bolded, Marriage for you may appear like an hobby or a to-do list but for some men, men like me its a lifetime commitment to support and remain faithful to one partner. Now you'd agree it will be tragic to get married to a lady who thinks she has the right to pop out of marriage at the slightest hint of unhappiness like you have posited she has a right to, ofcourse she does but I do not pray to meet such a woman in this life .
I pray for a woman who understands the sanctity of marriage and is ready to weather the storm even in those times when things will not be rosy, this is life and not a film or hollywood fantasy movie, challenges will come and such a woman with the mindset you described above will run.

Zutlin:
I can't explain how I feel reading your mindset towards marriage. Men like you scare me and one of my motivations to immigrate is to drastically reduce the chances of me and my unborn daughters coming across a man with your mindset. Sadly, your kind abounds in Nigeria.

You see, I understand you perfectly. My husband reasons just like you and he's always quick to bring religion and submission into the picture. I am a quiet and agreeable person and in hindsight, it's part of the reason he thought I would make a good wife. When I began pushing back by saying 'NO! This and that is inhumane and not acceptable', he labels me a nag, says I am unforgiving and always threatens divorce, all in a bid to shut me up. That threat really got me into 'submission'.

Maternal is right about the divorce rate in Nigeria being lower due to financial constraint. I tell you if Nigerian women had the needed support, many would have walked out. If I wasn't lucky to have a family that can financially, morally and emotionally support me, 'submission' would have been my lot.

Someday soon I plan to walk away. I do wish to get married again but the thought of being with a Nigerian man frightens me. I'm so drained I don't think I can go that route again.

**I'm sorry to share this much but I really wish men like you would understand better.**

gorgebaby:
Ha! Thank you God for my spouse, whose utmost desire is my happiness/well being and with that in mind, does all that he does Canada will thus not bring anything he isn't familiar with.

Oh! Thank God for myself too, for also doing all that I do, ensuring that my spouse is happy and we have a happy family overall. That is what matters eventually, family/communal happiness and well-being, who cares how we achieve it?!

I apologise if I sound immodest, but all the arguments from last night opened my eyes to more reasons why I should thank God, even as IRCC dey hold my PPR for over a year

SkyWalk12:
Girl, you feel me. When I went to Jand for school, the first year I had zero Nigerian friends, best year hands down. They (the Asians that some people that have never crossed the border seem to have a problem with here) were always feeding me. My accent changed and my hair grew longer.

You are hilarious!

Bsbabe:
Thanks for sharing. I pray you both receive grace to see where each other hurts. To be honest, people who hurt you in marriage are not necessarily "bad" people, they are just people coming with a different mindset and it is definitely possible for that mindset to change. I pray that happens for you but beyond that, I pray you receive peace and happiness irrespective of the decision you ultimately make.

Zutlin:
You are very right. My husband is not a bad person but his mindset about marriage makes him a very very poor partner. I can only hope my impending exit awakens him and makes him treat his future partner way better.

TheCongo2:
May I please ask you how long have you been married?

Pegzzyg:
Waoh! Seriously?
You should be glad you "Had" a Lady firm to her words.... Short story, I was in the car with Hubby then "BF" someday hanging out when this driver scratched His car, very little scratch ni sha o & then he came down to rant, we came down together too & immediately I was shouting, ranting & doing all sorts before I realized Hubby wasn't communicating so, I kept quiet. The Guy couldn't talk much self knowing He was wrong & entered His car back to zoom off, immediately we entered the car, Hubby gave me what you call warning of my life NEVER to EVER interfere in any dealings in public when He is present that I should @least give him that respect! Trust me, my head did "reset" & I never tried such ever again not even the day that an hungry P-man stopped us, checked our boot as we hanged out after work so it was late before asking for money stylishly from Hubby, I was mute (even when I was burning within to give him a mouth-full). What am I saying? You might be loosing a diamond unknowingly... What I did that day as "Nwa Afo" Igbo is what is called initial gra gra, I shouldn't have done anything but I did knowing Bf is around should quarrel escalate... I am never a violent person. Mind you, He was Bf then, we were not even engaged. Today we're Married with a Lovely Child! You really need to change your orientation. Trust me, some people change & you can never know people enough in the long run...... I really hope you end-up not marrying a pretender. All the best in your endeavours Guitarlife

vcole:
ceemac I read your first line and just didn’t have eye power to commit towards reading more. Just a little education cooking is for cooks. It is not a gender ascribed role and majority of the best cooks in the world are male, so go figure.
In the end, whether a head is hiding under the cloak of a religious or cultural practice that confers unmerited power upon said head or not, the advocates of a headship and 1 captainship or 1 drivership are all doing so for their own self interest to remain in the seat of power because it simply feels good and comes with perks. Whether you admit it or not, that is the truth.
Abeg my keyboard self don tire. You can reply oh or even throw insults sef but I won’t even care. #arguewithyourpastororimamorguruorwhoever

salford:
The arguments above further proves that the CBC was right after-all about the most common reason for divorce among immigrants. No matter how we twist it, some immigrant husbands especially from Africa, Asia and the Middle East would never accept a split of traditional responsibilities till strains start appearing in some marriages. The culture from back home is really strong.

Mum has now realised that dad can't just be sat in the living room with remote control on one hand and legs on the table while she does all the work at home.

I believe everyone has one or two things to learn from the arguments. Couples should endeavour to support themselves in Canada even if it requires splitting tasks into 50/50. Lets forget about pride, tradition or culture. it's all about working together to achieve success and a happy home.

Zutlin:
I can't explain how I feel reading your mindset towards marriage. Men like you scare me and one of my motivations to immigrate is to drastically reduce the chances of me and my unborn daughters coming across a man with your mindset. Sadly, your kind abounds in Nigeria.

You see, I understand you perfectly. My husband reasons just like you and he's always quick to bring religion and submission into the picture. I am a quiet and agreeable person and in hindsight, it's part of the reason he thought I would make a good wife. When I began pushing back by saying 'NO! This and that is inhumane and not acceptable', he labels me a nag, says I am unforgiving and always threatens divorce, all in a bid to shut me up. That threat really got me into 'submission'.

Maternal is right about the divorce rate in Nigeria being lower due to financial constraint. I tell you if Nigerian women had the needed support, many would have walked out. If I wasn't lucky to have a family that can financially, morally and emotionally support me, 'submission' would have been my lot.

Someday soon I plan to walk away. I do wish to get married again but the thought of being with a Nigerian man frightens me. I'm so drained I don't think I can go that route again.

**I'm sorry to share this much but I really wish men like you would understand better.**

Guitarlife:
This is the kind of person I believe I can work with and who is suitable and compatible with me, if conceding home leadership to the man doesn't seat with others then they should accept it's my prerogative and to each his own.

Bsbabe:
I also did not want to respond anymore as respectfully, it appears we have deep divergences on this topic but with this your last example, I can only say a big wow! I don't even know where to pick it up from so I will just leave it at the fact that I am wowed at your decision and the reason for it, especially the bolded.

With respect to the armed robber example you gave, I will also give you a real life example. I have an ex-colleague who's house was attacked in Lekki. Her husband scaled the fence and left his wife (with only a sheet around her), a pre-teen daughter and a baby boy with the armed robbers so go figure.

AZeD1:
I'll like you to explain this "home leadership/submission" ish to me.

Is it that your word is final no matter the consequence?
Is that your future wife is not allowed to have an opinion that differs from yours?