₦airaland Forum

AntiBrutus:
Manage her na.

Abi is she not SUBMISSIVE?

This is what Nigerian men deserve, women that love marriage more than they love them.

As nature will have it, that is what majority of them get.

Better to marry one man and use him to pass time, than to become an evening newspaper.

What exactly is the topic here?

Honestly this was Spot-on. I can't stress enough of Nigerian women doing this particular thing, I know ladies who have sex with the Men they are really in love with even during Marriage counseling of the Main spouse, I know a lady who had sex just 2 days before her wedding to the guy she really loved as well. As the guy they love isn't ready to settle down yet & time is ticking.

This marriage pressure is real & a lot of ladies are shamed for it. Once you hit 30, the shaming has started. Men, Society, friends etc
Even your parents are not left out, every single thing you spoil in the house, they will remind you that If you were Married now, this thing wouldn't have spoilt in your hand.

PrimadonnaO:
That was what she kept telling herself... giving her self all the reasons why you were okay for a husband. But it unfortunately didn't make her love you.

Once, I had a guy who so much wanted us to be an item... he was thinking marriage. He was super cute, all the pastors loved him, obsessively clean and neat, had a wonderful dress sense, was a good dancer, a show stealer, infact. But I couldn't love him. I refused to date him because I knew I wouldn't feel proud having him as a boyfriend. He didn't exude the kind of charisma/confidence I wanted in a man... he was unambitious (there was a time he said if he got a job that paid 60k monthly, he'd be fine. I was cold to my bones the day he said that)... he wasn't intellectual for my liking.

Ordinarily, people didn't see why I couldn't be with him... but he wasn't what I wanted... couldn't explain it to anyone because it would begin to affect how others saw him.

For some reason, you don't match up to your wife's standards (of what her man should be). She doesn't love you. Maybe in the course of time, things would change. But for now, she can't have the world see that she got a "not-so-good" deal. I'm also thinking that you're nothing like her exes. She can't stand the thought that if they were to see who she ended up with, they'd gloat.

Imagine the likeness
Men be very careful
Don't go put hand into one nonsense in the name of marriage
This really got me angry
That's the danger of marrying women in there 30s, the disadvantages are so much

Sije:
People react differently to various situations.

Mr. Oga, no one has ever gotten it all.

For situations like yours, it is very likely to conclude as you have only given us ur view.

Dont let her actions dissuade you.

Many wld luv a wife like yours, i d say she's spercial.

From your discription, she only shades you from her social life , and you feel bad about it?

Wld u want it the other way around? No i think.
Wld u want her to have up evry where for ppl to see but privately hates being around u?

Accept her for what ever she may do to you socially and see it as her for now.

Time changes evrytin,
Support her the best you can,
Ignore her lapses since they are not putting u or ur children in danger.

Pray for her always
Luv her the best you can.

Dont have a negative mind towards her.
Be her man.

Uncle, no one is perfect, even you.

Trust me, what u have u may never value until u loose it.

Your marraige is more important than your social entitlement.

I wld really love a woman as ur wife.
One that keeps me secret from the world.
One that dose not take me or my children to social media.
One that wants a small simple marriage.
One that dose not cheat on me.
One that dose take life simple. Bro, count ursef a lucky man!

I hope my review was helpful

Sorry... Its not in this mata.

PrimadonnaO:
That was what she kept telling herself... giving her self all the reasons why you were okay for a husband. But it unfortunately didn't make her love you.

Once, I had a guy who so much wanted us to be an item... he was thinking marriage. He was super cute, all the pastors loved him, obsessively clean and neat, had a wonderful dress sense, was a good dancer, a show stealer, infact. But I couldn't love him. I refused to date him because I knew I wouldn't feel proud having him as a boyfriend. He didn't exude the kind of charisma/confidence I wanted in a man... he was unambitious (there was a time he said if he got a job that paid 60k monthly, he'd be fine. I was cold to my bones the day he said that)... he wasn't intellectual for my liking.

Ordinarily, people didn't see why I couldn't be with him... but he wasn't what I wanted... couldn't explain it to anyone because it would begin to affect how others saw him.

For some reason, you don't match up to your wife's standards (of what her man should be). She doesn't love you. Maybe in the course of time, things would change. But for now, she can't have the world see that she got a "not-so-good" deal. I'm also thinking that you're nothing like her exes. She can't stand the thought that if they were to see who she ended up with, they'd gloat.

I wish the people in this world would evolve enough to come to the rare understanding that all people are the same and the so called differences we think that exist in the different people we meet really amount to nothing in the real scale of life.
We must all change our thinking and see that we are all equals and we are all gonna end in the same place. The glamour is just for a very short time and its gone forever. The thing that last forever are not seen with the physical eyes.

truthsayer009:
Honestly this was Spot-on. I can't stress enough of Nigerian women doing this particular thing, I know ladies who have sex with the Men they are really in love with even during Marriage counseling of the Main spouse, I know a lady who had sex just 2 days before her wedding to the guy she really loved as well. As the guy they love isn't ready to settle down yet & time is ticking.

This marriage pressure is real & a lot of ladies are shamed for it. [b]Once you hit 30, [/b]the shaming has started. Men, Society, friends etc
Even your parents are not left out, every single thing you spoil in the house, they will remind you that If you were Married now, this thing wouldn't have spoilt in your hand.

Then men should avoid them to escape scamming

People should free the girl jor and blame the society that is pressuring young people to go and marry. She has married na. Young man, manage your wife the way she is.

Pkingman:
On her relationship with me at home: She is a perfect partner.. Very friendly and jovial, respects me.. Despite her busy schedule, she still takes out time to keep the home running.. Cooks and does chores, without bothering me to assist.. I hate domestic chores ..we have no maid because she said she doesn't need a maid. My mum and hers take turns to visit and assist.

On Intimacy... Good.. Top notch.. Na she dey rush me sef. We play, pray and laugh.. We even watch football matches together. We both support Arsenal. We hardly quarrel.

On social functions : She isn't the very outgoing type.. More of an indoor person but we attend dew occasions together and she acts just okay... Not cold, not overly excited.. But if we take pictures together, she will never upload that but will rather upload her personal picture.

On gifts : I don't know if it's because she has her own money and can easily afford anything I buy for her.. She has never asked me for anything, even cash I give her because I believe I have to. She only says thank you, no excitement at all. Is this how independent women act?
I complained about this to her parents and siblings.. They said that's how she is.. But I don't feel good about this.. It's so not feminine. As if I am not adding anything to her.

On changing my attitude towards her : She doesn't even want me to put her up on social media as well.. So if I stop that, it won't bother her.
I can't just start giving her cold attitude at home.. No reason for that. Besides, she may just enjoy the space and shun me.. That will be to my own detriment because she sure knows how to keep to herself and mind her business while I can't .

My concern is that my friends, relatives, colleagues show off their partners and celebrate them online. They take pictures and post.. They use their spouses on their DPs.If I don't do same, won't people think my marriage is having issues? And my wife being the reason for this just doesn't sit well with me. I am uncomfortable about it because normal women don't behave like this. They are proud of being married. They are usually crazy about their husbands and look for every opportunity to show them off,display gifts and all that... How many women will husband buy new car for And they won't show off online, at least on whatsapp? Even though she already has a car she bought before we got married, I thought this will be different, being a new car and a SUV...Haba!

I just hope Nairaland people haven't succeeded in messing up your head with conspiracies. This is the wrongest place to seek for relationship advice.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with your wife, except that you are the exact opposite of her and you don't want to accept that.

I'm almost just like your wife regarding putting my relationship or our pictures on social media. I don't want any of that in the public domain. Whereas it's the opposite for my girlfriend. I've told her she can post whatever she wants about me or us but only on WhatsApp. Facebook and the rest are too public for me. As weird as it sounds, as a rule I don't accept Friend request on Facebook from anyone I'm dating.
I'm also not into material things so I don't get excited about gifts. I just give others and move on immediately without caring about how they react to my gift or what they do with it.
The last thing I want is a pre wedding picture.

Just learn to live your marital life outside social media. After all, this was the case just 10yrs ago.

Xaos:
Disgusted at someone she married — the father of her child? Okay. For you to say this, maybe you skipped the part he said she has been / still is a good wife. Or the fact that he ‘only’ isn't a part of her life online.

Oh... You don't know a thing or two about people who hates attention. Is not something you can ‘just’ fathom.

This is not about she doesn’t like attention. It’s much worse. The man says she doesn’t appreciate anything he does, even private gifts and all. The sex he’s getting must be more of obligation that affection bt I can’t blame the lady she never hid her cold feelings and distaste I blame the man for marrying her that way when he knows he can’t cope with such and didn’t address it b4 marrying her.

I have dated sm1 similar to his wife(tho not as bad) and it was all because of her ex who married sm1eslse instead of her! One of the most beautiful gals I’ve met bt moody and smtmes damn right cold. I thought I knew how to handle ladies Bt she gave me hell (and sm heaven) at sm point in time I told her i know u don’t like me cos I can fell u don’t so why are u still seeing me and spending ur whole day with me, wasting ur time and my time? Why not look for another guy who makes u happy I’m cool with that. And she’s like if I don’t like u i won’t be here with u. I told her straight up ur making me miserable. If u can’t change then I think we shud stop seeing each other or rather I wud stop seeing her cos I’m tired. Then she agrees to change and makes sm slight improvements Bt it’s still a struggle. As much as I liked her I told myself I can’t marry her like this I’d rather she left me or I leave her or I make her leave me. And I kept my word.


The op has allowed this and need not blame his wife bt take responsibility for his actions/inactions. He can’t be ridiculously crying foul now after she gave u all the warning signs and he ate it up hoping that magic to happen instead of addressing it.

I wud have said she doesn’t post his pix because she has insecurity issues bt even in their private moments and family gathering shes not any better.

He can never have her affection/attention with gifts or money. He needs to change his thinking and approach that might improve things abit bt it will be damn hard for him to correct that now.

Pkingman

hmm

your own is a clear case of another man's meat being another man's poison,but in reality, your wife is cool headed and humble, while you're proud , boastful and arrogant

midnighter:
I can feel his sadness and confusion through his post. I dont really see guys pouring everything out like that so often

Wow! Is this a Joke Right Now
Sadness Over What exactly?

My broada,this woman does not love you in any way,,all the things you listed are the same with mine when i dated a girl like that too,,am successful also in every rich,a guy other guys envy even women wish to be with but this babe so cold in everything,not wanting to be seen around me,even her friends wanna be wit u but she,she's got nothing to show for life not even a job the only thing she owns are her clothes,one I phone her sister dashed her and her beauty,,,it even got to a point my mum noticed it and sat me down to tell me,,,,we are history now,thanks to God am in a new relationship but to be candid na me dey run for pics,uploads on social media and public show of affection from my woman,,,even all side chicks ran away when her p.d.a was too much,,,truth is in marriage the physical controls the spiritual not the oda way round,,you wife I will tell u married you for all the wrong reasons,the true love of her life is somewhere else that's why she acts cold towards you,,,but a time will come she will regretted it and cry for it,,,I don't advice divorce though but put it all up in prayers only in God can you find comfort,,,

[quote author=Treasuredvessel post=77185607][/quote]Smile. People end up saying I'm a man, o da ju etc. No be bad belle or hating it's just nature abeg... I'm not just good at expressing or all this girlish things.

Guy, what I see here is that you married out of your social class. She probably settled for you due to her age. She accepted what was available which is you, but she is not proud of you. She is not willing to show you off. If you check her past relationships, She probably dated hotter guys that she loved more than you. She has not gotten over them she does not want them to laugh at her because she settled for something she feels is lower than her standard. You saw all this before marriage but you still went ahead. You have your marriage to keep. Focus on being successful, if she has her mind made up she would leave you when she gets the opportunity. Don't let her run you mad, you clearly love her more than she loves you. I repeat focus on being successful. Be prepared anything can happen. And please even when you are hurting nairaland is not really d best place for advice, a lot of crazy dudes out there....!

I strongly advice/recommend that you investigate thoroughly the circumstance(s) behind your marriage with her. Also, you should make enquiries about her previous relationship(s) especially the last one, just before you waltzed into the picture. From my viewpoint, there's a good chance that she married you out of pity or out of sheer intimidation from folks or maybe you're just there to fill up a void temporarily.

andyanders:
Now, why is she posting her own pictures on social media and even showing love to her friends on social media, inclusive of her parents and siblings?
Something is wrong somewhere. If she is the type that does not love showing off on social media, then her posting her pictures and that of her parents goes to show that she has a hidden agenda. Why show off herself on social media alone?

The husband is only trying to buy love with the gifts he is getting for her but from her attitude as said by op, she does not appreciate those things because her heart is for someone somewhere. It could be a married man someone outside. She could be buying time and one day, she will be off.

A won aye de o!
Won tun de!
She could just be protecting her man by not displaying him as he want think of it this way too and not the other way round.
Nothing is fishy. Don't look for fish where there's no fish jor

Obviously, there were clear sign during your courtship but you ignored it believing she will change after marriage. Bros you are making same mistake again by spoiling her with gift. My heart bleeds when I hear stories of nice guys like you with zero self esteem.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she decided to go her separate way when she travels. Of course, having studied women for years, she might pull out soon or it will just be the case of for better for worse. She will kindly resign to fate and live sadly with you.
A costly mistake from you. You rushed and married her because she has a good career not minding her feelings for you.
Solution
Talk to her on the need to see a relationship councilor. If she refuse or you observe she doesn’t show any commitment, kindly withdraw and give her the silent treatment. Ignore her completely like she is not your wife. Get close to other girls, chat with them, just try to make her jealous. Please note, I am not advising you to cheat ooo. Just deprive her of attention. Once she doesn’t care, my Broda, just start counting your losses, simply put, her feelings for you is zero.
Don’t make the mistake that she will accept you because of your promising career. Not all women give a damn about money especially when they have their own money.
I am very surprised that you as an architect couldn’t analyze your relationship and spot red flags earlier on.
Finally, if she fails to show commitment you can walk away let her come to her sense, I am sure she will. I wouldn’t advise that you walk out of your marriage because I am a Christian but give her some space, let her understand that you can do without her, let her sort out issues with her side guy.
Finally, you can leave it to fate since you ignored all the red flags and hope when she travel, she will still wear your ring.

Eleyi gidi gan.... Strong indeed!!
I no even know where I go chuke mouth.
Make I siddon dey learn from elders in the house.

But How she go upload peeshaw of her male colleagues but can't upload yours?

sacajawea:
Wow! Is this a Joke Right Now
Sadness Over What exactly?

Ok what do you think of the post? Or you can direct me the advice you gave, if you gave any

midnighter:
Ok what do you think of the post? Or you can direct me the advice you gave, if you gave any

Why would I Give Advice when i don't see any Problem at all here

okoroemeka:
women are complex creations,it's obvious she doesn't love you from the beginning and the seeds of love is not germinating sooner,so be nice to her and pray that time could change her heart,but believe me if relocates abroad that may be the end of the marriage.

GBAM

Una No dey sleep?..

DukeNija:
She has never posted his picture. Never ever posted his picture. Not even once. He has never posted her picture online.
You think this is normal? Your own wife? Then you are not a smart person. That woman has a game plan. She’s going to dump this man.

I know of a friend who is married with 4 kids and both couple never posted their pictures online. They are both on Facebook and Instagram o yet no pictures of the two of them online. 10 years and they are stronger in love day by day. That's what is called privacy abeg.
I love privacy...
Any man wanting me to post pictures of us together online or PDA is on a long thing because I won't! If he expect me to scream, cry, fall and jump at every gift or surprises, the guy is on another long thing. I don't do such. I'm not girlish. Thanks is enough. Saying thanks do not mean I don't appreciate of course I do.
Understand that God wired everyone of us differently. So we do not need to be judged by our actions or reactions.
That's why understanding is very vital in every relationship...

All this signs u saw and still married her, what were you thinking? She was going to change or what or the fact that she's a doctor wish one bro? Look before leaping and not the other way round.
And for the social media issue bro u gat non. U be mature guy nah is not compulsory that everybody must live their life for media i was ashamed wen you were even complaining she does not do this or that on social media; she might nor be a fan of it or might be this highly introverted person, and besides how is her social life like?
Your wife gat her flows plenty behaving more like a proud person and someone that is not really into you. Why not talk to her about ur feeling then pray and go for councelling too. You don enter, you don enter.

sacajawea:
Why would I Give Advice when i don't see any Problem at all here

Ok

I've taking time to read through the op post and his other clarifications or comments. In my personal opinion the op doesn't have any problem. In fact like @cococandy said, the op is looking for trouble out of nothing. And just as someone mentioned, he's.....arrogant, noise maker and a social media freak. Must his wife celebrate him on social media? He should just learn to make the best of his marriage without SM. I don't subscribe to him giving her space or acting up to stire jealousy in her, as the results would be counterproductive. We humans are so complex. Since op said she's okay in all other depts except the SM stuff, I repeat make he let matter rest and stop acting like a baby.

I really hate to hear things like this...it is annoying...hate it when people use people cos a better option isn't available...OP, make we arrange another woman for you abeg...time no dey...

PaulAris:
He could be, infact he must be.
But that doesn't change anything does it.
I feel he was used or prolly still being used.
Like you said, she saw she was ticking so she accepted out of pity.
No wonder she dosn't wanna show him off. She must have bragged to her friends about the kind of man she wants or must have been engaged before and everyone knew about it. But fortunately(lol), she got dumbed and used and became heart-broken prolly even a sadist who knows.
And Yh, she surely must be cheating, don't ask me why, the signs are just clear.
Writing sweet words bout' your Masculine friends instead of your Husband?
C'mon!
...
By the way, I notice you seem to know a lot of similarities about such women. You been in such shoes before huh
I do not wanna believe you still in it

She might not be cheating per say make everybody nor jst conclude the guy jst need sit her down ask her confirm question simple

@ OP, take it from me,you have no problem,you are building imaginations,by the time you break your home by coming to SM to seek attention you will look for an answer in the holy bible.
Your wife is being careful on social media,in this era of kidnapping, village People hunting and lots of negative vices abound, sensitive people no longer show their Joy on SM or otherwise,they keep it low.
Thank God,you confirmed your wife have been excellent,tag along with her,you will find out more things why she is that way and convince yourself.
Most Nigerians on SM has no real experience on things the write on SM .
Please cherish your marriage and enjoy your home,do not clone her SM as that will create terrible trust issues if she gets to know.
Come to think of it your account was just created new here.
Nigerians and busy body,you will not allow trouble to rest,you are going about looking for one.

Xaos:
Clone her phone. If you can't, then clone all her SM accounts. If she's hiding something you will know.

But before you do, I want you to know

— you wouldn't find anything.
— your wife isn't ashamed of you or something like that.

It's just that she really, really, really hates attention.
I myself I am programmed that way.
Your wife is a mirror image of myself.

But please do clone her SM for your satisfaction.

Sensible comment.

Ttrrffyyghuuh:
There's nothing more frustrating than a spouse that doesn't make the least effort to work on some character flaw that you find disturbing...
Forget anyone that says's she doesn't like attention, she posts pictures of herself online and with family and even with your child but refuses to be seen pictured with you...
Everyone else above has put up nice submissions, but i want to inquire however, you never made mention of her attitude towards you in social functions you attend together, weddings, parties and the likes. How does she behave at such functions, does she also refuse to be seen with you? Not like it matters anyways, since her overall attitude towards you is cold..

which leads me to my next question....

Also you made mention of gifts and such, how is your daily life, do you ever laugh together, talk deeply about stuff, pray together and so on? does her indifference only come up when you buy her gifts, you made mention of her impersonal disposition towards your gestures but is she like this everyday, do you come home to a wife that is always avoiding you, doesn't let you touch her, shows obvious disgust at you for nothings sake?....

Its easy to say she's opted for you as a last resort due to her age factor after she couldn't get her dream man, which is the most rational analysis, but knowing the answer to this questions will help in finding a solution....
It's worthy of note that she may not be cheating, the fact that she post pictures of her and her child shows that she's stating it loudly that she is a mom...It's just you she's ashamed of.

If she doesn't avoid you at social functions and you have your good times privately (which i believe because you said she took out time to celebrate your birthday with you, but seen pictured with you is an abomination and you also mentioned she performs her duties as a wife, even with her schedule as a surgeon), then you might be able to salvage your marriage, it simply means some part of her still values you although she is ashamed to show you to the world which is your leverage...

Use it well, put it to her bluntly what you think and if she is ready for this marriage or not!!!, you are condoning this rubbish by allowing her jargon excuses to stand!!!, sit her down and tell her all you have told us and let her make a choice, that's the only way to know if your marriage is worth it, else you'll live in an unhappy marriage for a long time, sulking everyday..

if on the other hand, she avoids you everyday, you don't do stuff together, horrible sexlife, doesn't like to be seen with you at social functions or church, then you have no leverage honestly, if you push her to a certain level not even a child or the title of Mrs will make her stay, she will be like even me that is managing you...




Something in my body sha is telling me it's how you look, honestly(Not beauty, since you said you're a fineboy , Maybe you are years older or years younger (Abeg OP if you see this post answer this, what is your age difference?). Her reactions towards gifts from you maybe another thing entirely, have you seen anyone else give her gifts or complement her?, parents, friends maybe? how does she respond?
If she's also cold and distant to others as regards gifts and complements, then that is a character flaw and has nothing to do with you, which could be good in a way......

But this your wife na complex human being sha, see as i dey rack my brain dey try understand person i no sabi, like say i no get work

Bro i have seen person like this o.p wife for real life a distant family though.infact almost similar occupation. Smiling is war, accepting gift self is an issue, o.p wife dey ssce level. If u wan snap her self she does not allow you to talkless of having a group picx. They're always very proud and feel nobody reach dem.

Please since she is not proud of you,love you're kids more than any other, don't clone her sim,nor hack into her social media accounts.be free with her and use maturity too follow her.stop buying her expensive gifts,save the money for you're kids.. appreciating you on social media,can never put millions into you're personal account.is not easy,never you allow those things weigh you down.high blood pressure,stroke, emotional depression,all this can send you to early grave.be Happy for the new coming bouncing baby.shallom