₦airaland Forum

This is the reason why I don't talk about anything called "love" with any lady

Anybody that says she loves me, I'll ask her "would u die for me"?

Marry someone you love and that loves you so much and you'll be the happiest person on earth

Watch and pray.

Exercise patient, everything will be alright soon

This is really sympathetic but the only thing I believe you can do is to call him in the mid-night so that both of you can reason together. Use your power as a woman because you have not utilize it 1%. Even if when you are angry don't react immediately. Ask him what the matter is because for every marriage to hold-is in the hand of a woman and not the man. Always hold the peace and find out what he normally likes within that 4 months two of dated get him that; lure him to joke talks. Then check what has changed because I believe before you entered into the union both of you must explain some internal issues like fibroid and age factors. He is old and you are old. So these can't be the issue he troubling you as you narrated. Do your checks and balances very well because I know for sure this man is not a devil is still a human being.

To me if checking his messages is the problem; avoid it. TRUST should hold both of you together. From your story, this problem started as a result of LACK OF TRUST from you. Don't check his phone messages! because when you do you must see something and if waking up early to give him breakfast will solve the matter please do!!

I am advising you in case of another time, please don't report your husband to a third party no matter anything. Try as much as u can to settle any problem with him in the mid-night with your BED as your judge.

Well, you have tell us your own side of the story, I think the man need to table his own side so that we can judge very well.

Take care.

Elesta:
My sentiments exactly. he behaves like a craisy fellow. not just to me sef

Leave that marriage. But before you do, leave that church and block the pastor on WhatsApp and everywhere.

Tell people your husband has low sperm count, if you have to explain yourself. If not, just move on. It's difficult, but what could be more difficult than this emotional torture? And remember it's a marriage, a lifetime association, not a relationship. Leave him now that you're still in your mid-thirties and can actually remarry.

mhizdebbygold:
My love, am still telling people one thing you are not supposed to take in marriage is insults and beatings.
Don't let him give you flowers on your funeral.

This church combination of a marriage are usually scam, you should know that. how will you get married to someone just after 4 months you met?!

My dear give your self brain... Go and meet that pastor that joined the two of you and explain things to him.
Oga has low sperm count and he's still blaming you like he doesn't have his own problem abi?!
Hey! Don't also forget to pray.

Love ya

a fair judgment requires the hearing of both parties invovoved, she is an adult who had the right to make decisions as an independent woman, and she wasn't forced at gun point to 'say I do'. as an educated woman why didn't she insist on a proper test before getting married? Or was it after they got married that the man suddenly developed "a low sperm count"? When her husband insulted her did she lashed back in a manner that indicate combat readiness? These are some of the questions you should be asking the lady. Above all going to the same pastors who connects them together would complicate issues, most of these pastors don't keep secrets as they will tell their wives, their wives would also tell their friends, before you know they will become a laughing stock.

Elesta:
Hello family, I have a long post about my terrible marriage. Please bear with me, I just have to pour everything out because it's killing me slowly.
I am in my mid 30's ,got married to this man in his mid 40's who has never been married before.We attend the same church although different branches, so the pastor of his branch and the pastor of my branch brought us together. We started dating and he seemed head over heels and started talking about marriage immediately. At first, the way he was talking and his reaction to things I wasn't interested and I even told him, but he begged me and the pastor begged me so I overlooked and continued especially considering my age. If I wasn't in my mid 30's and if I hadn't done fibroid operation and so, eager to take in, I won't have made this terrible mistake. We also work in the same place so everything seemed perfect.

Now we started making wedding plans just after one month of dating and we got married 4months after because of church process. It seemed blissful but I stumbled on his messages with a lady he was saying before me and eventually at the same time with me. I discovered he kept begging n begging her even while me n him were dating .he kept telling her to agree to attend his church or dey can be going to their separate churches but the girl kept insisting that they should attend the same church. I. e. he should leave his church and she will leave hers. Don't get me wrong, if this had happened before we started dating, I wouldn't have gotten angry. but all these happened while we were serious and even after he came to see my father, I discovered he was still pleading with her as per church matter. Who does that?? So what if she had agreed for the church matter, he would have dumped me n embarrassed my dad??

I brought it to his notice and he kept saying he never meant it, he was just using it as an excuse not to marry her.

Now in the marriage, emotional abuse never ends. Just fewonths into the marriage, he started behaving somehow bcoz I hadn't taken in. all kinds of insults oh. one day, he said if he knew I couldn't have children he won't have married me. this was just 4months into d marriage. any little thing he complains. on weekends, he expects me to get up by 7am m start preparing his breakfast oh. weekend which is supposed to b for resting since we work Monday to Friday. Every little thing, he keeps saying if he knew he won't have married me.
I still remember how he slapped me several times, he insulted me n i insulted him back, that was what caused d slap. even when he saw me crying he wasn't moved. I have complained to family members and friends ,they have spoken to him, he will change for a while and later go back to his terrible ways.
I have never seen this kind of acrimony between couple. I am not a bad looking person, I have dated people in d past, they didn't treat me half as badly as this one. I was just too unserious. I want to leave this torture. but we work in the same place and I am trying to avoid wagging tongues. I just tired. I have seen and experienced mutual love and it's not like this. I long to share love with someone that loves me just the way I am. I don't deserve to be with this animal. When it comes to food, he eats so angry if his food isn't ready on time.

Please I need advice. he went for test n it was discovered he has low sperm count. that made him humble for some fine but recently he started saying again that if he had married a younger lady, d lady would have been pregnant by now. just imagine this kind of torture. God knows I have absorbed so much from this man

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Two wrongs can't make a right. Lets assume he was guilty of all the things you said abt him but must u publicly call him an animal before the world?

Somebody u want us to talk to so that he would change for good for u?
See, so many persons have given u advice (though some are harsh n u caused it) so work on ursef also.

From ur story, the guy needs a child(ren) desperately. U guys shud work on dat after u av lst worked in ursef.

This woman must get bad mouth....referring to her husband as lunatic, animal, crazy before the public.

Your husband has got a lot of issues and you have work to do on yourself too

Acidosis:
I am too young to convince you to stay or leave your marriage, but I would advise you to work on your character.

You should also desist from blaming your pastors. I want to believe you've always known him since you guys work in the same firm. You didn't marry a complete stranger. Certain things (e.g. character) are just not right.

you are a very wise woman

Elesta:
my sentiments exactly oh. no b pikin go make this one stop e stupidity. God hates divorce yes, but the gift of God maketh rich and added no sorrow. This cannot be the gift of God

From all advice given to u, even the admonitions, u still sound so disrespectful to ur husband. I've seen all manner of unprintable names u've used on him, Animal! Stupid, ediot etc. U r very uncouth.
U r a problem and the solution begins with u.
Please fix urself first before u ever think of fixing that man. U think he's ur worst mistake but from all ur chatter I can tell u u r his worst mistake.
If u can Adress ur husband in such terms in public I can only but wonder what u do in private.
The world does not revolve around ur feet. U sound like a very lazy woman in ur responsibilities at home. In fact u r very lazy. I wonder how ur husband endured u upto this point.
Waking up by 7 to prepare a meal is a task to u? Huh? #spits.

Instead of u to seek the face of God, rather u opened this stupid thread to seek validation from NL for them to condemn ur husband so u can go home gloating.
Madam, go and fix ur self. U r not doing the man any good staying, if u wish to leave kindly leave ASAP so the man go see road remarry better person. I wish to see ur husband and encourage him to divorce u ASAP. Ur type kills a man quickly.
U no be wife atoll.

youngest85:
I stopped reading when I read ' he begged me and pastor begged me'
They begged you to embark on a life time journey in which you are not interested in partner?

almighty God bless you for this comment, now the pastors will keep distance and start telling her hell fire await her if she divorce. Terrible people.

If he's torturing you emotionally, you too torture him asexually..nothing more to say, NEXT!

There is certainly more to this story, and this can be deduced by the discerning from op's post, subsequent comments and in her own words "her unserious nature".

Not holding brief for bros, because this was, of course, a " welding" of two totally different personalities, who hadn't taken out time to get to know themselves to a reasonable extent, find a middle ground and avoid this "expected" end result.

You've narrated your part of the story to tell us how your hubby was double dating and has got a low sperm count. I'm very sure your hubby would have a story to tell about you too if given the opportunity.

First, of, you come across as very arrogant and full of yourself, and most likely how you got very unserious until your biological clock was almost striking 12 pm, which was the only reason you could pretend to be humble for 4 months, got hitched and voila..the original you don surface.

I am very critical about pastors, but in cases like this, no one should blame them, please.

You see, pastors are like job agencies where people go to submit their CVs in hopes of getting matched with available openings. In this case, brother and aunty had made it known through application/supplication, etc, that a partner was the utmost on their list of to-do, this was why they both rushed in and 'welded' themselves together. Wetin pastor do?

You obviously would go into your husband's phone, talk back at/insult him. Right? (You haven't been honest in your post).

I would have truly loved to hear from your husband, and I won't be surprised to hear you were cheating on him. You bear every hallmark of someone who would do so hiding under the cloak of psychological, emotional and physical abuse. The wise can glean this from your post.

Is it not surprising how you had started this thread in a very solemn and guilt-filled kinda manner, but the moment you got spurred on by a couple of commenters validating and telling you what you hoped to hear, you became more assertive and decided right here on this thread and now that you'd be leaving your man? How cunning.

Your man is a dikkhead for the abuses, physical, emotional and otherwise but you aunty, you get for hand well well.

I'm sure there is a portion of the Bible that reads " from the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh. Now, imagine the names op calls her husband here, after the bandwagon effect of everyone blaming her hubby which has sort of given her more validation, impetus and made her more expressive.
In your deepest and quietest of hearts, you call and see your hubby as an idiot, a lunatic and every sorry name in the book, and you want me to believe he gives you hatred for all the love you give him?

In fact some commenters here never sabi women. Me sabi look dem well well when dem dey do their nonsense, dem go think say i be mumu...whosaiiii. Me wey get big head like dis?

Your way no pure at all at all. We no be today meat na. If you aren't already cheating on this man, it would be for the same reason as you gave for still being with him (what people would say). I can bet my two balls that there's someone on the side from your corner, that's why you feel you need to get validation from people wey you no know online to carry out wet in dey your mind already.

You want go abroad ba, abi na their the new catch dey...lol...e go do you voom for eye.

Tired, I would have analyzed and given you more of the honest bitter truth.

I no dey fear pussay fkk nyansh o, if you see me dey fkk nyansh na say na me wan just do am no be say na fear of pussyy cause am. In other words, we no dey carry water for mouth dey talk. We say it the way it is..pure and simple.

Good luck going forward.

She said we should advise her and not to blame her.

Your hubby may be a nice man but external pressure of not getting you pregnant could be the reason for his harsh behavior towards you. I experienced similar thing few years into my marriage when I lost the desire for sex as it was not yeilding my desired result (pregnancy). My father in-law had to beg me to be more patient and here I am almost 3yrs still trusting God to answer our prayers. Initially I was not like that but anger and sometimes inner voice of regrets do cause his kind of behavior. Trust me he is not a bad person. He need someone to guide him through and remember both of you have never been in these before.
Show him more love, and don't get in his way to make him angry. Your marriage will soon blossom.
Always pray for him and don't ever love him less any time.

She said we should advise her and not to blame her.

My dear sister, your hubby may be a nice man but external pressure of not getting you pregnant could be the reason for his harsh behavior towards you. I experienced similar thing few years into my marriage when I lost the desire for sex as it was not yeilding my desired result (pregnancy). My father in-law had to beg me to be more patient and here I am almost 3yrs still trusting God to answer our prayers. Initially I was not like that but anger and sometimes inner voice of regrets do cause his kind of behavior. Trust me he is not a bad person. He need someone to guide him through and remember both of you have never been in these before.
Show him more love, and don't get in his way to make him angry. Your marriage will soon blossom.
Always pray for him and don't ever love him less any time.

Just negodu!!!

Arrangy marriage by pastors hmmm...

He is blaming you with his half baked sperm animal in human form looking for who to pour his frustration on.

God help your children cos I can't take this shut from anybody,to raise his hands on me I will Make him regret his actions

You don't need prayers
All u need is logout of that relationship by divorcing the animal before he kills u.
Read the earlier post of this blog where an animal killed the wife by domestic violence.
Logout to stay alive.
Shun religious extremism by adhering to their no divorce if incompatible.
Compatibility is key even more than love in any successful relationship.

Hi Elesta, contact me on cecegrace@gmail.com let's talk

Newbreed2018:
From all advice given to u, even the admonitions, u still sound so disrespectful to ur husband. I've seen all manner of unprintable names u've used on him, Animal! Stupid, ediot etc. U r very uncouth.
U r a problem and the solution begins with u.
Please fix urself first before u ever think of fixing that man. U think he's ur worst mistake but from all ur chatter I can tell u u r his worst mistake.
If u can Adress ur husband in such terms in public I can only but wonder what u do in private.
The world does not revolve around ur feet. U sound like a very lazy woman in ur responsibilities at home. In fact u r very lazy. I wonder how ur husband endured u upto this point.
Waking up by 7 to prepare a meal is a task to u? Huh? #spits.

Instead of u to seek the face of God, rather u opened this stupid thread to seek validation from NL for them to condemn ur husband so u can go home gloating.
Madam, go and fix ur self. U r not doing the man any good staying, if u wish to leave kindly leave ASAP so the man go see road remarry better person. I wish to see ur husband and encourage him to divorce u ASAP. Ur type kills a man quickly.
U no be wife atoll.

I pray that God should bless you and give you more wisdom, I have read all her comments and its obvious she only came here to insults and degrade her husband, a good woman who really wants a solution in her marriage will not come out publicly to mouthwash her husband, I got more irritated seeing how she is publicly desplaying her stupidity, she should really be ashamed of herself, we don't even need to listen to her husband's side of the story before we know the kind of she-devil she really is, what a Jezebel, gosh.

The op and the man has issues. So if u born u won't wake up at 6am on weekends. Ur telling your husband to go warm food hahahah. U better leave that marriage and be a baby mama

Make you no dey filokulo lo mi (burna boy)

Elesta:
Hello family, I have a long post about my terrible marriage. Please bear with me, I just have to pour everything out because it's killing me slowly.
I am in my mid 30's ,got married to this man in his mid 40's who has never been married before.We attend the same church although different branches, so the pastor of his branch and the pastor of my branch brought us together. We started dating and he seemed head over heels and started talking about marriage immediately. At first, the way he was talking and his reaction to things I wasn't interested and I even told him, but he begged me and the pastor begged me so I overlooked and continued especially considering my age. If I wasn't in my mid 30's and if I hadn't done fibroid operation and so, eager to take in, I won't have made this terrible mistake. We also work in the same place so everything seemed perfect.

Now we started making wedding plans just after one month of dating and we got married 4months after because of church process. It seemed blissful but I stumbled on his messages with a lady he was saying before me and eventually at the same time with me. I discovered he kept begging n begging her even while me n him were dating .he kept telling her to agree to attend his church or dey can be going to their separate churches but the girl kept insisting that they should attend the same church. I. e. he should leave his church and she will leave hers. Don't get me wrong, if this had happened before we started dating, I wouldn't have gotten angry. but all these happened while we were serious and even after he came to see my father, I discovered he was still pleading with her as per church matter. Who does that?? So what if she had agreed for the church matter, he would have dumped me n embarrassed my dad??

I brought it to his notice and he kept saying he never meant it, he was just using it as an excuse not to marry her.

Now in the marriage, emotional abuse never ends. Just fewonths into the marriage, he started behaving somehow bcoz I hadn't taken in. all kinds of insults oh. one day, he said if he knew I couldn't have children he won't have married me. this was just 4months into d marriage. any little thing he complains. on weekends, he expects me to get up by 7am m start preparing his breakfast oh. weekend which is supposed to b for resting since we work Monday to Friday. Every little thing, he keeps saying if he knew he won't have married me.
I still remember how he slapped me several times, he insulted me n i insulted him back, that was what caused d slap. even when he saw me crying he wasn't moved. I have complained to family members and friends ,they have spoken to him, he will change for a while and later go back to his terrible ways.
I have never seen this kind of acrimony between couple. I am not a bad looking person, I have dated people in d past, they didn't treat me half as badly as this one. I was just too unserious. I want to leave this torture. but we work in the same place and I am trying to avoid wagging tongues. I just tired. I have seen and experienced mutual love and it's not like this. I long to share love with someone that loves me just the way I am. I don't deserve to be with this animal. When it comes to food, he eats so angry if his food isn't ready on time.

Please I need advice. he went for test n it was discovered he has low sperm count. that made him humble for some fine but recently he started saying again that if he had married a younger lady, d lady would have been pregnant by now. just imagine this kind of torture. God knows I have absorbed so much from this man

Hmmmm...

First of all...you rushed into this marriage according to the point you earlier stated, probably if you were more younger you wouldn't have taken such awful step in marrying him..

That was the Holy Spirit revealing and leading you not to marry but as of then you never took out time to pray for God to reveal him you ,you just went ahead based of begging from him and your pastor...

Did you tell him about your fibroids before you marry him? If no , then you did not do well...

My Advice...

I do not support divorce as a christian and that is why even if you are 38years and not married that is why you should even take time to select because it will be a taboo to Marty late and still be divorcing..

Report him to necessary people...the church authority like the pastors who are in charge and his family people...

But if he persists on marital violence please use your tongue to count your teeth.. God bless you..


MY is DM Opened for talk anyway...

Biglittlelois:
Blaming her for what is happening in her marriage right now is as a result of whatever she did early in life is soo wrong, why not just advice her and go

Truth is bitter

Nigerians and their quick to judge syndrome with only one side of the story heard. As far as I am concerned, Elesta you have brought your husband to the public for castigation to validate your next move.

What else is left in the marriage? Using derogatory words to describe your husband on a public forum. In as much as I don't support domestic violence, still not the right approach to consult strangers on a faceless forum for validation.

Some of them may be talking out of ignorance, frustration, lopsided & myopic reasoning and even distorted mindset. Best you sit down with your husband on how to resolve your issues or go your different ways.

When everything goes awry, remember people here telling you all sorts won't be there to share your struggles,including myself. You will be more than alone.

Be wise in whatever decisions you make. Only you will face or damn the consequences. Regardless of anything everyone here is saying to you.

On the side, are you already talking to another man who is promising you the whole world? Just a random thought.

This story is the reason why we should not believe one side of a story until both are presented

First, she was very unserious to very serious suitors when she had her youths and opportunities

Two, she boldly declared she wouldn't have married her husband if not for her age and fibroid history

Three, she is mad her husband wouldn't warm food by himself early in the morning

She can publicly call her husband names like animal, lunatic, idiot, useless etc.

In the event the husband slapped her, which she is strongly holding on to, she admitted an exchange of words between them. No one knows the manner of her talk back and if she has a sharp tongues with which she lashed at the man and added insults and abuses

I can reasonable assume you are a very abusive wife who has so much feeling of entitlement. From the word go you assumed this man is not worthwhile and not up to your usual standards, but you accepted because you couldn't do better at that point. This has likely shown in your attitude towards him. I strongly suspect you have attitude issues and feels everyone is wrong except you

I have never understood why a woman or man would secretly go through their spouse's phone records. This is a crime. You would end up angering the person involved and bringing toxicity in the relationship. And with someone like you, I can only imagine the abusive manner you handled this leading to more toxicity in the union and alienating the man further

You decided to marry him and felt you did him a favour. You probably expected him to worship you and you probably asserts way too much authority on this marriage than you should. Few men would tolerate this. And when they show this intolerance to your attitude and behaviour, you term it abuse

You are the problem here actually and it's so glaring. It's a wonder few are seeing this. Work on your attitude, your abusive manner, your character, your high headedness and overt feeling of entitlement. You do not understand what marriage and responsibilities mean and when you do have kids, your attitude would only get worse for him.

Research has shown that over 50% of women that marry late in Nigeria (from 35yrs and above) are mostly as a result of not having had suitors, but either they felt they could get better suitors and hence rejected good suitors or were themselves rejected by those previous suitors who saw them as not being wife materials . Its highly possible the rushed marriage prevented this man from seeing your bad characters not the other way round

Good luck

addictedwriter:
have dated people in d past, they didn't treat me half as badly as this one. I was just too unserious.....
ur statement above was one of ur greatest undoing. I still don't understand wat u ladies gain from being not serious with those who wanted u. Guys r wising up now, u do shakara as a woman to a serious man, u end up being a laughing stock to the serious men u rejected.. So sad!!!!

There is one I met here. She was always bragging about it. Guess what? Cos she is still young. But I know that attitude will wreck her... I left her ship not too long ago. It's only a matter of time.

mhizdebbygold:
My love, am still telling people one thing you are not supposed to take in marriage is insults and beatings.
Don't let him give you flowers on your funeral.

This church combination of a marriage are usually scam, you should know that. how will you get married to someone just after 4 months you met?!

My dear give your self brain... Go and meet that pastor that joined the two of you and explain things to him.
Oga has low sperm count and he's still blaming you like he doesn't have his own problem abi?!
Hey! Don't also forget to pray.

Love ya

I met my wife in January and did traditional marriage in April. That's 4 months. And our lives have been going from glory to glory. It's not about time, it's about love.

Read priscaoge signature on Nairaland, that's exactly who my wife is.

The Op is old but not matured. How can pastor tell you who to marry?

Joromi12:
The op and the man has issues. So if u born u won't wake up at 6am on weekends. Ur telling your husband to go warm food hahahah. U better leave that marriage and be a baby mama

can you imagine how very lazy some women can be? She doesn't have any kid yet and the Mangala is opening her garbage mouth to complain of waking up early to prepare food for her husband, there are working class women with 3 to four kids, they wake up very early prepare the children for school, make breakfast for everyone including their husband, and still drop the children at school before going to work. how are we not even sure she was the one who insulted without provocations that lead to the beatings, I only pity for her she better start working on herself because if she meets another man the situation would be worst than this.

okv87:
This is really sympathetic but the only thing I believe you can do is to call him in the mid-night so that both of you can reason together. Use your power as a woman because you have not utilize it 1%. Even if when you are angry don't react immediately. Ask him what the matter is because for every marriage to hold-is in the hand of a woman and not the man. Always hold the peace and find out what he normally likes within that 4 months two of dated get him that; lure him to joke talks. Then check what has changed because I believe before you entered into the union both of you must explain some internal issues like fibroid and age factors. He is old and you are old. So these can't be the issue he troubling you as you narrated. Do your checks and balances very well because I know for sure this man is not a devil is still a human being.

To me if checking his messages is the problem; avoid it. TRUST should hold both of you together. From your story, this problem started as a result of LACK OF TRUST from you. Don't check his phone messages! because when you do you must see something and if waking up early to give him breakfast will solve the matter please do!!

I am advising you in case of another time, please don't report your husband to a third party no matter anything. Try as much as u can to settle any problem with him in the mid-night with your BED as your judge.

Well, you have tell us your own side of the story, I think the man need to table his own side so that we can judge very well.

Take care.

Wise

Newbreed2018:
From all advice given to u, even the admonitions, u still sound so disrespectful to ur husband. I've seen all manner of unprintable names u've used on him, Animal! Stupid, ediot etc. U r very uncouth.
U r a problem and the solution begins with u.
Please fix urself first before u ever think of fixing that man. U think he's ur worst mistake but from all ur chatter I can tell u u r his worst mistake.
If u can Adress ur husband in such terms in public I can only but wonder what u do in private.
The world does not revolve around ur feet. U sound like a very lazy woman in ur responsibilities at home. In fact u r very lazy. I wonder how ur husband endured u upto this point.
Waking up by 7 to prepare a meal is a task to u? Huh? #spits.

Instead of u to seek the face of God, rather u opened this stupid thread to seek validation from NL for them to condemn ur husband so u can go home gloating.
Madam, go and fix ur self. U r not doing the man any good staying, if u wish to leave kindly leave ASAP so the man go see road remarry better person. I wish to see ur husband and encourage him to divorce u ASAP. Ur type kills a man quickly.
U no be wife atoll.

Wise one...women no fit deceive us..