₦airaland Forum

tohyorsih2:
It's affecting my social life. Imagine the people i've been living with for almost two years are still complaining of me been so quiet and reserved. Sittnng in the midst of people makes me so uncomfortable. It makes feel me like i'm in a bondage.
Did i forget to tell you that i could stay in my room for 24hrs? My peeps here have tried to make me stay in the living room but all to no avai. So the kuku comot hand for my matter . I just find a natural joy when people around me start going out and i'm been left at home all alone. Chai! nothing sweet me reach this one
Well, i can be a talkertive if i'm free and comfortable around you

ABOVEDELAW:
YOU ARE THE WORST ADVISER IN THE WHOLE WORLD, BEING A WOMAN FOR THAT MATTER, PLS JUST SHOVE IT.

Lol. You assume that your opinion and that of others really matters to me. I left my comment o, and it’s mine with pride. If you don’t like it, that’s your problem

midnighter:
That's exactly what I said if you read my earlier posts

But if they insist that it's social anxiety then let her get help and let OP help her

Can you people try to read what I actually said instead of quoting me and talking off point??

You are just writing what you feel like without knowing my own position

You have time, explaining yourself like that,

baby124:
You have time, explaining yourself like that,

Lol I dont understand...why is there such a huge difference between what I actually said and what they are reading

They wont advise the OP they will just project their own issues onto it and start saying something else

PRIDE GOETH BEFORE A FALL!

baby124:
Lol. You assume that your opinion and that of others really matters to me. I left my comment o, and it’s mine with pride. If you don’t like it, that’s your problem

midnighter:
Lol I dont understand...why is there such a huge difference between what I actually said and what they are reading

They wont advise the OP they will just project their own issues onto it and start saying something else

Our comments struck a nerve. Especially the part where we said they should help themselves. People are crazy, they see they have a problem. Instead of seeking solutions, they sit back and do nothing.

Expecting a knight in shining armor or dame in ball gown to rescue them. E go do them like film trick for marriage. Even if it’s a mental issue, an adult must be willing to seek help or it’s completely useless. Even oyinbo will tell you that. It’s a prerequisite for getting help, you don’t wait on someone else to make you who they want you to be. You will only attract users, manipulators and abusers.

I never explain myself o, I put myself in the OP’s shoes. Marriage is not easy, then you as girlfriend come with so many issues before marriage. Introvert indeed. Worlds first introvert Abi?

ABOVEDELAW:
PRIDE GOETH BEFORE A FALL!

YOUR FALL

baby124:
Our comments struck a nerve. Especially the part where we said they should help themselves. People are crazy, they see they have a problem. Instead of seeking solutions, they sit back and do nothing.

Expecting a knight in shining armor or dame in ball gown to rescue them. E go do them like film trick for marriage. Even if it’s a mental issue, an adult must be willing to seek help or it’s completely useless. Even oyinbo will tell you that. It’s a prerequisite for getting help, you don’t wait on someone else to make you who they want you to be. You will only attract users, manipulators and abusers.

I never explain myself o, I put myself in the OP’s shoes. Marriage is not easy, then you as girlfriend come with so many issues before marriage. Introvert indeed. Worlds first introvert Abi?

Thats what I dont get...when it comes to marriage problem they will tell her to meet a pastor, run for her life, divorce bla bla.

But this one suddenly she's helpless and cant do anything for herself again. Even to meet a pastor to pray for her anxiety.. eh-ehn. Its strange

Exactly! See the amount of guys saying Op should dash them the girl without even acknowledging the problem. Some people would be out to take advantage of her socially withdrawn nature

As in, oyibo even suffer from this problem the most and have written so many books about it...If I recommend one to her now they will start quoting me again asking me how old I am

nkan nbe

midnighter:
Thats what I dont get...when it comes to marriage problem they will tell her to meet a pastor, run for her life, divorce bla bla.

But this one suddenly she's helpless and cant do anything for herself again. Even to meet a pastor to pray for her anxiety.. eh-ehn. Its strange

Exactly! See the amount of guys saying Op should dash them the girl without even acknowledging the problem. Some people would be out to take advantage of her socially withdrawn nature

As in, oyibo even suffer from this problem the most and have written so many books about it...If I recommend one to her now they will start quoting me again asking me how old I am

nkan nbe

Lmaoo. Just leave them. A true introvert knows that they have to create two sides to survive in this world. The public persona and the private one. If you don’t, then you will never be able to function in society and you will be a burden on yourself and others. Instead of them to confess that they have mental issues, they are making excuses. Introversion is not a mental issue. Just a character trait and we can change our characters temporarily if we need to.

They think the OP did not also desire the same type of girl till he started seeing things and attitude that made him open the thread. They are the type that will seat down shamelessly in someone’s house and make their problem, someone else’s.

baby124:
Lmaoo. Just leave them. A true introvert knows that they have to create two sides to survive in this world. The public persona and the private one. If you don’t, then you will never be able to function in society and you will be a burden on yourself and others. Instead of them to confess that they have mental issues, they are making excuses. Introversion is not a mental issue. Just a character trait and we can change our characters temporarily if we need to.

They think the OP did not also desire the same type of girl till he started seeing things and attitude that made him open the thread. They are the type that will seat down shamelessly in someone’s house and make their problem, someone else’s.

Lol precisely. I said that she may just be introverted and may need to make more effort, problem. I gave an example of when I did so myself, problem.

I said that she may have a mental issue and she needs to seek help and support, still another problem. So what do they really want?

Aside from OPs wahala if you have an issue it would improve your quality of life if you could learn to manage it and adapt to different circumstances instead of shouting that you cannot do it

Because everybody wants a quiet woman and nobody wants to talk to their inlaw, I have suddenly become a witch in their eyes. So people who visit their inlaws, are they doing it for fun?

midnighter:
Lol precisely. I said that she may just be introverted and may need to make more effort, problem. I gave an example of when I did so myself, problem.

I said that she may have a mental issue and she needs to seek help and support, still another problem. So what do they really want?

Aside from OPs wahala if you have an issue it would improve your quality of life if you could learn to manage it and adapt to different circumstances instead of shouting that you cannot do it

Because everybody wants a quiet woman and nobody wants to talk to their inlaw, I have suddenly become a witch in their eyes. So people who visit their inlaws, are they doing it for fun?

A woman/man that cannot make the effort to be at peace with their in-laws is setting themselves up for potential issues. Men love that because, they will do and undo in that marriage and the babe will die in silence. A man that wants you to meet his family and get along with them is most likely accountable and has good intentions. Except You sense that he is doing it for reasons not in your best interest. Anyone ok with your isolation from others especially family without just cause, is reason for pause and suspicion.

baby124:
A woman/man that cannot make the effort to be at peace with their in-laws is setting themselves up for potential issues. Men love that because, they will do and undo in that marriage and the babe will die in silence. A man that wants you to meet his family and get along with them is most likely accountable and has good intentions. Except You sense that he is doing it for reasons not in your best interest. Anyone ok with your isolation from others especially family without just cause, is reason for pause and suspicion.

Everything in moderation... she doesnt need to go and live there but just leave some room for manoeuvre in case of anything.

At the bolded.. I have seen something similar myself...in fact they are now separated partly because the lady was deliberately antagonistic to both her own family and her inlaws...when trouble came, people just removed their hands because of the bad blood between them

No need to be extreme but just do your best, with good intentions

bluebay:
What ever you do, remember Family comes first. If she finds it difficult to mingle with your family, I’ll advice let go the relationship for this will definitely drive your family, friends and business colleagues away from you and you may end up being like her ... Here’s my advice, LET GO!!!

When you say family comes first....Is your wife not your family.....

ginaolo:
Hi

I’ve been with a lady for some time now but I’m starting to have doubts about this girl.

My main concern is that she is too reserved and she doesn’t like to do anything that involves people. I come from a big family unit and she’s always avoiding family get togethers, outings, even to meet my friends and socialise with them is a huge problem. We’ve gone out very few times, she’s met my mum and a few friends, but she avoids meeting them most time. I addressed it to her and she claims she has social anxiety but for how long can I continue like this? All she wants to do is be at home. My family are already starting to get the wrong impression of her and they believe she is proud. I know my older sister is not too fond of her because of her quiet nature and I think this will take a toll on us in the future if we get married. I don’t want a wife that cannot do basic things like go out with me to events or represent me well. I don’t want a wife that will be hiding in the house 24/7.

Another thing is that she has some stubborn traits in her. She’s a lovely woman, she’s very kind, compassionate and she motivates me a lot. When she’s around me alone she’s very cool, but when it comes to going out and doing things, she starts acting up. I cannot deal with her shy nature as it’s too much and it’s becoming embarrassing. She’s 24. What do I do please?

This right here is my GF and bro you are blessed. Just thank me later.

tohyorsih2:
It's affecting my social life. Imagine the people i've been living with for almost two years are still complaining of me been so quiet and reserved. Sittnng in the midst of people makes me so uncomfortable. It makes feel me like i'm in a bondage.
Did i forget to tell you that i could stay in my room for 24hrs? My peeps here have tried to make me stay in the living room but all to no avai. So the kuku comot hand for my matter . I just find a natural joy when people around me start going out and i'm been left at home all alone. Chai! nothing sweet me reach this one
Well, i can be a talkertive if i'm free and comfortable around you

eyan mi, good morning, I can totally relate with you, but your level gidi gan...lol.I believe you'll grow out of it with time, alone time is precious to me also, I think and function better, but when am not working, am cool with my social media and movies and quality sleep, except there is a wedding ,party or church appearance, and as am not dating now, I have more time to myself. As for the talkertive part,with peeps ur cool with, it shows there is hope for you to come out of your shell a lil bit. Have a splendid day, my friend

superlanny:
eyan mi, good morning, I can totally relate with you, but your level gidi gan...lol.I believe you'll grow out of it with time, alone time is precious to me also, I think and function better, but when am not working, am cool with my social media and movies and quality sleep, except there is a wedding ,party or church appearance, and as am not dating now, I have more time to myself. As for the talkertive part,with peeps ur cool with, it shows there is hope for you to come out of your shell a lil bit. Have a splendid day, my friend

Aww! Good morning and thankyou very much

otunbalamba:

Otunba lamba oshomo

This is not an issue na.She's just an introvert.And being an introvert doesn't affect being a good mother.You have to stand by her at all times.Explain to your family that shes not being pompous,she's only shy.As she ages,she will overcome her excess shyness.Except you are already tired of her,and want an excuse.Because to me, this is not an issue. I am an introvert as well.I don't open up to people I just meet.But once I get comfortable with a person,my playful and chatty side pops up.I used to be nervous meeting up with my husband's family members before we got married.But right now I'm free with them.

tohyorsih2:
Otunba lamba oshomo

awa ni yen o

tohyorsih2:
Aww! Good morning and thankyou very much

always welcome

I think you just need to be patient with her. This might stem from her childhood and don't expect a change over night. Most people in that situation do not have the opportunity to mingle when they were much younger, some people also came from a brutal home that made them went back into their shell. All she needs is Love and Understanding that is the only thing that can help her overcome such anxiety. Besides i dont see it as a major problem in marriage.

GrossPrice:
Your the problem at this point and not your future bride.

As men we must not forget our duties are not only to provide financially, but as men and leaders we must constantly remind ourselves that our wives or wives-to-be need other things from men apart from money and the occasional "I love you's" plus the activities that come with it.

Emotional security, Stability, Congruence and Support (not financial) are important virtues. As men it is in our benefit that we nurture or at least attempt to attain all or many of these virtues.

If a child is scared of the dark, and still must pass through a dark room or corner to reach a destination; how would you encourage this child to do so?
If a woman you love, has mediocre culinary skills, how do you ensure the woman you love develops exceptional culinary skills?

Men should not recoil at a challenge because it has to many sharp bends, or because it seems like an insurmountable hurdle. For, is it not through our dogged determination we went from walking to flying, from huts to skyscrapers and from the cold hands of death to chloroquine.

I dare not say women have achieved nothing, because they have. However, I am talking to you - man to man, as such I must speak as a man!

When you go to family events do you stay close to her and hold her hands as you speak to people. You know when she is accustomed to your family members her phobia will subside.

And, when you go out with friends, do your friends come along with their wives or wives-to-be; if they do, why don't you find a way to get her well acquainted with these ladies?

You cannot plant corn and yet hope to harvest wheat. If you want corn, you plant corn, and if you want a more social wife you must plant that seed and nurture it until it grows. Whatever you desire in your soul, being or spirit (in the spiritual), you must use your hands to work for ; before it manifests in the physical.

You've said it all.

OP, patience is the key. I used to be like this. Though I still don't like crowd but I've improved.

khalids:
When you say family comes first....Is your wife not your family.....

A wife to be sir .

ginaolo:
Hi

I’ve been with a lady for some time now but I’m starting to have doubts about this girl.

My main concern is that she is too reserved and she doesn’t like to do anything that involves people. I come from a big family unit and she’s always avoiding family get togethers, outings, even to meet my friends and socialise with them is a huge problem. We’ve gone out very few times, she’s met my mum and a few friends, but she avoids meeting them most time. I addressed it to her and she claims she has social anxiety but for how long can I continue like this? All she wants to do is be at home. My family are already starting to get the wrong impression of her and they believe she is proud. I know my older sister is not too fond of her because of her quiet nature and I think this will take a toll on us in the future if we get married. I don’t want a wife that cannot do basic things like go out with me to events or represent me well. I don’t want a wife that will be hiding in the house 24/7.

Another thing is that she has some stubborn traits in her. She’s a lovely woman, she’s very kind, compassionate and she motivates me a lot. When she’s around me alone she’s very cool, but when it comes to going out and doing things, she starts acting up. I cannot deal with her shy nature as it’s too much and it’s becoming embarrassing. She’s 24. What do I do please?

Guy listen, your gf sounds exactly like me and for people like us, you have to take it slowly, introduce her to your family one by one or at most two at a time so you don't overwhelm her. Let her get used to those ones then introduce another person and so on. Another thing if you are taking her on outings stay with her, you will be like a life jacket to her, settings like can be extremely overwhelming, as old as i am i still get a little nervous in those setting let alone her. You have to have her back, thats very important if this seems too cumbersome perhaps you should let her go now but if you can stay, i can assure you she will get better.
All the best

koyyes:
I used to like reading your comments before until recently.

This comment of yours is insensitive.

I am not sounding discriminatory however every married person knows you will have a bumpy ride if you do not associate with your In-laws especially a close knit family.

Now, I am not talking association's that turn to 'she gave me meat, she borrowed my gele' type. However, events, you need to show up.

She is going to be part of their family for goodness sake.

How long would she hide and avoid them?

Ur wife to be happens to be an introvert. You know she is like that when you started dating her. You have to be patient with her. With time she will get used to ur family members and she will stop panicking.

bukatyne:
I am not sounding discriminatory however every married person knows you will have a bumpy ride if you do not associate with your In-laws especially a close knit family.

Now, I am not talking association's that turn to 'she gave me meat, she borrowed my gele' type. However, events, you need to show up.

She is going to be part of their family for goodness sake.

How long would she hide and avoid them?

She has anxiety issues. The thought process of people with such works differently. They already judge themselves before people judge them.

She knows she has a problem so the op has some work to do. She needs reassurance and support. Let's not ignore her age. She is still young and naive.

ginaolo:
Hi

I’ve been with a lady for some time now but I’m starting to have doubts about this girl.

My main concern is that she is too reserved and she doesn’t like to do anything that involves people. I come from a big family unit and she’s always avoiding family get togethers, outings, even to meet my friends and socialise with them is a huge problem. We’ve gone out very few times, she’s met my mum and a few friends, but she avoids meeting them most time. I addressed it to her and she claims she has social anxiety but for how long can I continue like this? All she wants to do is be at home. My family are already starting to get the wrong impression of her and they believe she is proud. I know my older sister is not too fond of her because of her quiet nature and I think this will take a toll on us in the future if we get married. I don’t want a wife that cannot do basic things like go out with me to events or represent me well. I don’t want a wife that will be hiding in the house 24/7.

Another thing is that she has some stubborn traits in her. She’s a lovely woman, she’s very kind, compassionate and she motivates me a lot. When she’s around me alone she’s very cool, but when it comes to going out and doing things, she starts acting up. I cannot deal with her shy nature as it’s too much and it’s becoming embarrassing. She’s 24. What do I do please?

Fear of having some flaws picked by same people she is avoiding.......

olabrinks:
I think a lot of people are dealing with what the ops gf has, and this thread has given them hope. Makes them feel they are not alone. If you are extremely introverted and reserved please understand there is nothing wrong with you. Some people may not understand you, we live in a very extroverted world, but you will definitely find a few that will love and accept you for who you are. We don’t judge those who are always going out, socialising with many friends, yet we judge those who find solace in their own company. Find a little bit of balance but do not over work yourself trying to be someone you’re not. Good luck to all my wonderful introverts.

I love you for this

Me too. I avoid social functions.....


Finding it difficult too

Dande55:
Your fiancèe is exactly my type maybe, a little worse.

I don't even know how I'm gonna meet my husby family if I get married.

I dont like crowd, and i dont like meeting people.

You should try as much as possible to draw her closer to you and don't let what others say about her affect your marriage.

She's the kinda woman most men want to have as a wife.

Jaymaestro:
I have always wondered if it's a downside to being a phlegmatic person ..

No bro, there are things that only a phlegmatic can do and no other temperament can.