Tr

merit1988:
most times, it's not how long ,but how well... pple date for years b4 marriage and still end up getting divorced...that's what I'm trying had to avoid

You seem to know the solution to your problem.

truly to be loved(I call it appreciated) comes with condition which can be either or mixture of:

physical,material and character

to me when you are going into marriage the real love is when you weigh stand that you can greatly appreciate still in the absence of those conditions later on in life..thats maturity,thats being ready,thats love.

Op,.your answer is burried in these writup

The question is how do you expect advice from people who do not wear your shoe which only you know where it hurts you? For me I have no idea what you are going through BC you did not mention it, u only said u have marriage issues. The type of advise depends on the nature of issues you are having. So if anyone gives you advise blindly without knowing the problem then it won't work.my thinking ....

merit1988:
I got married as a young virgin...probably didnt understand what love was all about then....

I've never really felt love or being loved in my marriage..coupled with some other marriage issues..

I wear the shoes and I know where it hurts...all I need is advices on how to build my love life and not yabs pls...it's very hurtful

You married without love and that was the first mistake! Having love between you and your husband is more important than being a virgin! Nowadays virginity is useless. It doesn't guarantee a great love relationship or marriage!

I pity Nigerians who still think virginity is paramount! It's only a personal moral issue, that's it!

sweetmelanin:
OP I understand how you are feeling... and trust me, as you get older, it will affect your sex life in devastating ways.
I know the love isn't there anymore but do you at least like him as a person? If so, you guys can still live together in friendship. There are marriages out there like that (mine inclusive)... sometimes it's hard to walk away from a marriage when there isn't a " tangible " reason like domestic violence, cheating etc... society can be so judgemental and it really sucks. I totally get you dear.

Is looks like you have resigned yourself to fate. How the hell do you even manage?

How did y'all meet? Are you older than him? Is he gay? Do you love him?

merit1988:
I got married as a young virgin...probably didnt understand what love was all about then....

I've never really felt love or being loved in my marriage..coupled with some other marriage issues..

I wear the shoes and I know where it hurts...all I need is advices on how to build my love life and not yabs pls...it's very hurtful

There are different things that causes this.
How were you value by your husband then, and how are you now value by your husband also.
1. Love is 100% and if 1% of that is remove your value in front of your husband will drop.
FOR INSTANCE
If your husband always love slim ladies, and, get married to you because you were slim and beautiful, then that makes you his value, then after you got married you start getting fat over time then the love which was valued at 100% will start dropping (why?) Because the slim beautiful woman that was attracted to him is no more slim and then the value will drop drastically in the front of your husband.
2. No man wants to get married to an old woman or old school.
FOR INSTANCE.
If he get married to you because you were dressing decent, always beautifying yourself with makeup, e.t.c. then that makes the love your husband has value at 100%. then after you got married you stop make ups, you start wearing cloth like and old/old school woman (example) tieing wrapper always especially tieing the breast with wrapper always, many men hate all these things . I can assure you that the love that was valued at 100% will drop drastically (why?) Because what attracted him to you is no longer seen again then that value start dropping.
So my advice is this think of what you were valued for that is no more there (that is) try to figure out what make your husband madly in love with you and try to figure out whether the value of that thing that make him madly in love with you is still there or not.
FOR MORE ADVICE OR COUNSELLING YOU CAN REACH ME ON WHATSAPP.

Novemberaura:



every easy to guess you just above thirty. I fear the fuss is really about enjoying life and not necessarily improving thy affairs with the husband. I suspect you didn't get a huge feel of life before your imprisonment in this supermax prison.


on an enlightening note love is a compendium of so many other things, love isn't a single thing sacrifice appreciation endurance fortitude patience etc. off course any good quality you can think of can fit into love.


to solve thy problem get a new guy or new guys beside the husband and check things out.
most folks at times requires to taste different soups before the can be comfortable eating one
sadly you required this tasting protocol but didn't get the shot. married the first Man that came thy way.

WTF.

madam merit1988 .... Your post didn't even describe anything about your marriage we don't even know what your husband is doing wrong. We don't know if he's ignoring you or abusing you ?How long you courted before you married and circumstances surrounding it . NO details whatsoever.

But a little digging into the topics you've created and your posts gives us little insight about you . You have about three posts talking about being in a boring marriage. we don't even know what "boring" in your own term means .It's either you have a false expecation of what marriage is or you've fallen out of love with your husband, we don't know

on more than one occasion you've talked about specifically wanting twins too. Is it that your husband desperately wants twins or  you think this will bring you closer??  we still don't know .
lastly,  going by your profile ...i'll say you're in your early thirties going to your mid thirties . You married early , a virgin and now you feel you've missed out on all the thrills you should've had while you were young .Now you see your present  life as boring after two kids ....I just want you to know that looking for "attention" on social media just to escape the "boriness" of your marriage wont do you any good ...you might enjoy one or two flings and it won't end well .

If it's really the love that's missing , we cant don anything about it since we don't know how you got married but if it's this "boriness" that's making you think you don't feel loved ...I'd advice you stop comparing other marriages to yours , every marriage is unique and try save up some money plan a getaway for just you and him and tell him you've have an all expense paid trip (it can be even to a close plave like whispering palms in lagos ). You'll see that he'll be delighted , he will understand what that means to you and he'll want to reciprocate ... from  there , your relationship as taken a whole new path .

Peace ma'am

The OP hasn't given enough info. Expect distorted responses. [/quote]

You nailed it. I scrolled down the responses purposely to see how many people actually digested the post.
Can you see how people quickly jumped in to counsel along lines of their own assumptions.

They must be congratulating themselves for advice well given.
The info in this post is so scanty one does not know what the OP wants.

merit1988:
I got married as a young virgin...probably didnt understand what love was all about then....

I've never really felt love or being loved in my marriage..coupled with some other marriage issues..

I wear the shoes and I know where it hurts...all I need is advices on how to build my love life and not yabs pls...it's very hurtful

Details please.

merit1988:
ok oh... continue investigating me I'v gotten the advices I need from Wise minds...so I don't think ur sarcasm is needed anyway

Your thread was really vague Tbh.
We didn't even know how old the marriage is etc.

I'm sure even a professional counselor would ask you these.

merit1988:
if ur "selfish reasons" means financial or monetary gain,well I'm sorry to disappoint you...we are both from reputable and we'll to do families....so I'm wondering what else u literally mean by selfish reasons

Madam, the answer you seek won't come from Nairaland..
You will end up seeing all the suggestions here as yabbing..
(Don't ask me how I knew this)

This is not a place for advice on marriage be serious with your life and sit down with someone that you can trust his or her judgment on marital issues.

merit1988:
I got married as a young virgin...probably didnt understand what love was all about then....

I've never really felt love or being loved in my marriage..coupled with some other marriage issues..

I wear the shoes and I know where it hurts...all I need is advices on how to build my love life and not yabs pls...it's very hurtful

PrincessNZ:
Nonsense talk.






To the OP,

Either you or your husband or both of you married for selfish reasons. Love is permanent when two people marry for unselfish reasons.

You ended up repeating the same nonsense you called rubbish talk. Ewu

merit1988:
in selfish reasons,u mean? Oh pls,u know nothing much abt me,so don't think I'm one of those golddiggers ur familiar with

Op you just want to create a thread based on an imaginary premise. I don't even think you're married. The way you're responding to comments just suggest you just wanted to create a thread. The situation you tried to describe is unreal because you haven't even taken your audience through exactly what you claim to be going through.

merit1988:
in selfish reasons,u mean? Oh pls,u know nothing much abt me,so don't think I'm one of those golddiggers ur familiar with

you have an attitude problem from the responses you have given so far, it is quite easy to spot.

Probably that is where you need to start.

Don't try to avoid divorce....it doesn't kill it liberates, If a situation is not favourable....move on

[So sorry my dear. I can imagine you feel but i must tell you that no marriage is good or perfect. How you handle the problems make it looks perfect and good. But is your own case, you need to define your love, did he truly love you? If the answer is no then I think you need to find to solution because marriage without love is like a an empty vessel. Sorry I understand how you feel. quote author=merit1988 post=83307937]I got married as a young virgin...probably didnt understand what love was all about then....

I've never really felt love or being loved in my marriage..coupled with some other marriage issues..

I wear the shoes and I know where it hurts...all I need is advices on how to build my love life and not yabs pls...it's very hurtful [/quote]

Are u legal married to him?hope it wasn't nylon bag u used to pack your loads to his house?marrying as a young virgin is not a criteria to hold marriage....so many falsehoods that you people had believed.first of all identify why you had to rush into marriage at first.check the motives from your side and seek a redress to that.then work on you being a better person.From you to him seek why he is not loving you again?ask him questions where you had gone wrong but that must be in humility.try see how you both can make it work.then add prayers your love life can get up
iT's not a daY's job poo time on time you get answer

You see, most times, love isn't enough to kip a marriage. You need to be ur hubby's best friend sometimes to enjoy the best marriage. I'd advice you move closer to him, talk to him, start up the relationship afresh. Go out often, be his gist partner, listen to him everytime, make him feel comfortable at talking to you. In a nutshell, what I'm saying is, be his friend and not just his wife

Vida04:
Please I need advice I broke up with my galfriend as she was the type of gal dt often looks fir attention from the opposite sex she’s constantly on social media sharing her number,crushing on different men and sometimes arranging to meet up although she says she never plans on seeing them I did the unthinkable by creating a fake account and chatted her up she replied instantly and from there she agreed fir s meet up
After awhile I warned about her actions till I couldn’t hold it anymore and had to quit imagine breaking up with her today and in the next two days she’s traveling to Lagos to meet a guy she told me nothing would happen between them while we dated right now from friends they don’t talk anymore she even told her friend she was Hot that’s why she traveled after the guy booked her to and fro ticket
The thing is I can’t get over her and I need advice should I try and forget the past and hope for the best or just try and hold my feelings it’s really eating mebup not a day goes without me thinking about her and wishing she could just text or even call me
Please advice me on what to do
Am really depressed

you amaze me brother
what exactly do you want with the fact that you have become completely aware of the pains she offers you yet you are contemplating welcoming her back. certainly for her to continue to bring you agony, if that is what you desire don't just wait for her call or SMS, call her thyself. if you can't then leave and forget about her even her name too.

people make this mistake of thinking folks can make a u turn in character a change like the biblical Paulo, well I don't nurse such believe. people will still be who they are. maybe am right maybe am wrong but it surly keeps thee outta sorrows and unmet expectations

PrincessNZ:
Nonsense talk.






To the OP,

Either you or your husband or both of you married for selfish reasons. Love is permanent when two people marry for unselfish reasons.

Maybe he married her virginity and now the virginity is gone.

PrincessNZ:


Healthy people love others without condition. However, they fall in love/go into relationship with condition; which can be material or immaterial as you well noted above. If the condition is immaterial, it is real love.

U so believe in true love nd ready to get it regardless...... I can sense u love life itself..... The feeling of undaunted love is magical.... I hope u get to experience this at it apex someday

merit1988:
most times, it's not how long ,but how well... pple date for years b4 marriage and still end up getting divorced...that's what I'm trying had to avoid

You've not answered the question asked you and you started advising the person who asked you the question.This might be one of the problems you create in your marriage.Stop assuming you know everything.

merit1988:
I got married as a young virgin...probably didnt understand what love was all about then....

I've never really felt love or being loved in my marriage..coupled with some other marriage issues..

I wear the shoes and I know where it hurts...all I need is advices on how to build my love life and not yabs pls...it's very hurtful

Is not late to be reading love books and Relationships and Marriage
site like https://allsinglesandmarried..com
Attending Marriage seminars as well.
On the alternative, by now I believe you have known what your man like very well and what he dislike, his favorite fruits and meals as well.
Is he the type of person that like sex?
What is his lifestyle like?
What about his Relationship with God?

Let's discuss

merit1988:
I got married as a young virgin...probably didnt understand what love was all about then....

I've never really felt love or being loved in my marriage..coupled with some other marriage issues..

I wear the shoes and I know where it hurts...all I need is advices on how to build my love life and not yabs pls...it's very hurtful

Can we chat privately? Here is my WhatsApp contact: 08037741480. You will not divorce but enjoy your home.

Novemberaura:



you amaze me brother
what exactly do you want with the fact that you have become completely aware of the pains she offers you yet you are contemplating welcoming her back. certainly for her to continue to bring you agony, if that is what you desire don't just wait for her call or SMS, call her thyself. if you can't then leave and forget about her even her name too.

people make this mistake of thinking folks can make a u turn in character a change like the biblical Paulo, well I don't nurse such believe. people will still be who they are. maybe am right maybe am wrong but it surly keeps thee outta sorrows and unmet expectations

Thanks bro was just confused needed a third party

Cupiedbae:


Can we chat privately? Here is my WhatsApp contact: 08037741480. You will not divorce but enjoy your home.

Block this person ooo
Before we see story for instablog

Would you love to build with someone who doesn't want to build with you? It has to be mutual. When someone doesn't make you feel loved, they don't love you. If you want to be the only one always making the effort, trying to make him love you. E.t. c. It's not going to be easy. You had to learn not to do that. It will be hard but trust me, but, you will heal.

Someone I was very scared to loose told me, I am not scared to loose you. It hits so hard when you realize you are the one always pushing, trying to communicate and all.
Hardest pill I had to swallow this year is, People won't treat you right just because you treat them right and love them wholeheartedly.

Finally, Know when to stop trying !

We don't walk into Love; we fall into Love. You are either in or out. You don't learn it. Ask your self whether you are in love or you're managing, and decide for yourself.

LordKO:



Foremost, conceit remains God's gift to small-minded people. Meanwhile, on this "@bolded, if sane people love unconditionally and according to you women don't love unconditionally, then it is safe to assume that women aren't sane. Right?" Well, only altruistic women are sane under the subject under discussion. That said, the word love is ambiguous; love - marriage/romantic love - as a variant of goodness is encompassing, while that of humaneness isn't encompassing even though it's a product of goodness. And they're different from fancy, care, admiration all of which independently are called love, albeit smaller/constituents of the former mentions.

On this "Women aren't capable of love in romantic/marriage affairs?" Yes. Women are only capable of submissiveness - the difference between submissiveness and love is their respective nomenclatures and applications, none is superior to the other. Just as women and men are human beings and have their respective distinct differences with none being superior to the other. . . On this "If you have never experienced unconditional love from a woman, what do I type to convince you otherwise?" Well, a woman by virtue of being submissive, is automatically altruistic/or automatically has unconditional interest in a man. So, I have always experienced the best of sane women.

About this "Now on submissiveness and love. These two goes along , Love begat Submissiveness." Love doesn't automatically beget submissiveness, instead they go hand in hand because sane people innately possess their attributes - their applications are always spontaneous rather than planned. It takes a sane man to give love, just as only a sane woman can give submissiveness. And it takes a discerning person (man or woman) to know possessor of the attributes of love/submissiveness either from afar or near. . . About this "When you love someone, you do their wish." That is balderdash - a sane man doesn't do the wish of someone he loves, instead he acts conscientiously all the time without negating altruism. Only dummies do what others wish and that's the reason why they always fall into the machination of small-minded women.

k