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armadeo:



The shoe pinches who wears it. Jn one post I said that the problem as yoh put it is ego. Its logical in its illogicality.

The wife has to understand the situation and manage it as such. This is a typical example of for better for worse.

If she manages it well then they come out stronger ( hoping the man gets back on his feet). If she doesn't then Cyracus Nzekwe will report thier case.

Now is the time to prove herself. Beyond reasonable doubt.

Its akin to having a family member with a mental health issue. Is it his fault no!. But you have to manage it.

u sound married and much more experienced... Thanks for this piece of advice for the op

MamaFryo:
I need to arrest your husband right away. That guy needs to be locked in the cell for his head to be correct. Tell him to kukuma kill you na!


Let me book space here to hear from other people...

and is this the best matured advice you could give?

Beatswim:
i can sense u aren't married.. Get married and learn dear sister... This man was loving and hard working before his change of attitude due to frustration and his not been able to fend for his family... Now back to the op.. Shes a strong and God fearing woman just like my wife... I passsed through the same issue for 5years and my wife did the same but everything turned around since 2018...dear op pls be patient wt this man.. See a good prophet... And respect your husband wt all you have... If u can continue... Your husband will regain all hr has lost.. And those your 3 lucky children will become great in life... This is just a passing phase for your family so that u can have a story to train those children..

Really? 5 years? Your wife must be a superwoman.

UnbiasTruth:

Your husband has lost what he hung his self-esteem on which is his ability to earn.

Like you said, he was born with a silver spoon so he is used to a lifestyle and feels like a failure. That also reflects in his 'I can't lower my standards' statement.

I however do not like his inconsiderate attitude. If he is not going to hold the fort, he should let you at least hire professional cleaning services.

Since you say he loves and cares for you, engage him as a lover. Keep aside his mom and pastor.

Point out to him that you can't keep up with the chores and ask him to point out his reservations with the live in/professional help so you can work around his concerns.

Also stop him for drinking. Remove all the alcoholic drinks from your home, constantly remind him of his achievements and encourage him that he can rise again. Be a little more tender with him, let your embraces provide warmth and hope.

Depending on the financial structure and resources, just send something to him regularly so he doesn't think of how to have an haircut because he is broke.

Also proactively assist in job hunting. Are his skills obsolete? Does he need updated certifications? Is his CV updated? Does he need to start from smaller jobs before growing?

Also be emotionally intelligent. When he agreed to something, it might not be from his 'church' mind.

24kmagic:
I just feel he's kicking against strangers coming into your house because he doesn't want outsiders to find out that you're the one running the home. Because one way or the other, they will know and he'll lose his respect before the public, you know how 9ja people do reason.

As for not wanting to assist, he doesn't want to lose his dominance over you. Cos believe me once he starts helping, you'll unconsciously think that's his responsibility.

Honestly, all I see in this is a family man that is frustrated due to his inability to provide for his family. He will come around as soon as he gets a nice job.

But he's lucky to have you tho, 95 inside 100 women will not take that from their man.

They'll rub his joblessness on his face till he gets depressed, leading to suicide.

You're blessed!

So what should she do?Thats the question.

Watch Babcock TV and learn new skills, come back and thank me later.

AwkaetitiBabe:
That's why I love oyibo mentality, he would have turned into the house husband to help you d bread winner out pending when he gets a job.

A normal white man would have committed suicide after the job loss. They rarely settle for less. Its mostly the black men abroad who do such.

S

Fountainofyouth:



Leave her previous comment alone and answer her valid questions, but no, you had to be a schmuck by calling her something you can't even verify on a faceless forum, pathetic.

Please leave that retard

Lol this is a plug for a cleaning service..I'm not hating on your hustle carry go

Please read what was written before you respond...

I don't have any advice really. I lost interest at the point you began stating how you pay rent and feed the family from your salary. I hate this statement! He was paying the family's bills and feeding everyone before he lost his job and nothing was posted on social media or broadcast around, how come its when a wife helps that the whole world will get to know how you have been taken care of your own family?

Interesting topic with a VERY valuable lesson for those who are quick to chant 'don't marry a man that does not have a "good job" or a man that earns less than bla bla bla.

Many in this generation with the wrong mentalities would eventually suffer and die of mental ill-health and maniacal depression. They don't know it yet. You think say na by the beginning? Life is bloody long.

You start well on a shaprapra shapropro level (for your mind), you come feel say life soft, dey carry shoulder for your supposedly less fortunate peers, but you forget say the race na marathon and weather dey change. When you reach midpoint come run out of fuel, when life unexpectedly change your reggae to blues, na body go finally tell you.

Two seconds, everything don burst.

Those with sense, let them learn the right lessons.

MamaFryo:
I need to arrest your husband right away. That guy needs to be locked in the cell for his head to be correct. Tell him to kukuma kill you na!


Let me book space here to hear from other people...

You did not summarize for the lazy youth and you started commenting? Whats wrong with you?

Your husband is your husband and you must respect his authority over you and the household. Now to the real solution, when you got married, was it just the two of you? Does he have parents? Do you? If he does not respect your parents surely he'll respect his own? Does your in-laws love you? Remove sentiments out of this and become practical, he's in a very vulnerable stage and any little thing can frustrate him. Since you mentioned he's been caring and loving before the resignation then you should understand that this is a=only a phase and it will pass.

If you can't communicate successfully with your husband without relying on strangers then YOU HAVE A BIG PROBLEM! If communication is a barrier at least get those that can speak sense into him involved, your excuse that you're paying for everything, your work is not flexible won't be valid if he starts accusing you of neglecting him. So nip it in the bud right now and get those elders involved but becareful, some elders lack common sense so shine your eyes well well!

This is a super story!!!

If this is true, then your husband should pity you... You can't do it all alone..

May be you should get a cleaner that work every weekend.. Tell your husband that it will not harm the unity of the house..
He should learn to assist you too.. I know as Africans, we are egoistic but this is a special case. A little help does not harm at all..
You are developing high BP?? (We can see that it is not easy to be a man.. Respect all men in your life, O ye NL Feminists )

So, Op just talk thing through with your husband.. You are a woman na.. You know how best to make him agree with you.. Every wives know how to enter their husbands..

patriarchy kings won't like this thread at all. Op you have patience, I'm not insinuating anything but if it was me, soon as he showed that stupid arrogance, that he can't do house chores and doesn't want you to get a house help, ogbeni I don waka. But we are not the same. Stand you ground and insist on getting a house help since he's a 'man' and they didn't teach him how to be a responsible human being. No offence . Y'all both have same rights in that house. If he won't help you, get house help. Wonder why y'all marry shit like that anyway. No offence . That is why they keep insisting women should be submissive, so shit like this can happen. I dey vex abeg. Mtchew

What do must of us know about marriage, moreover what worked for A might not work for B... God knows best, go on your kneels, take time to visit your WAR-ROOM

genq:

Here we go again! Another topic posted for the sole purpose of inviting frustrated NL femcels to come bash your husband.

Just a quick question based off the highlighted statement below. Why is it that a man can feed, house and even clothe a woman and the children all of his life but you will never hear him announce this to the hearing of others - but let a woman pay the bills for just one out of thirty years, the whole world must know and we won't hear the last of it!

You won't hear about it unless the woman does not do house chores, take care of the house and meet the husband's needs. Most times we hear women's story about paying bills because some men want the women to step out to make money to augment or support the family while these same men make little or no effort to lighten the duties of the woman. For example, in this case, the man won't even allow house helps to stay.

E

UnbiasTruth:
I am sorry this is rather too long but please I need to pour out my mind because I need your mature advice. I have been going through a lot of trauma since my husband stopped working and it is really getting to me because my blood pressure is high.

I love my husband and despite what is happening now, I still love him. I just need advice on how to manage the situation right now.

My husband is a hard-working, loving, caring and gentle man; he showed me true love from the first day I met him. He was very dedicated to his job and he received commendations from his boss and colleagues at work but something just happened that led to his resignation.

A kind of conspiracy against him. He was advised by one of his superiors at work to resign. Now it’s been more than a year that he is out of job. All attempts to get him back into the labour force had been futile because he keeps saying he does not want to settle for less.

He was earning six figure salary while at his former place of work and he has a side business which he still manages till now but the profit is close to nothing and it is not even constant.

Now, the issue I have with him is that my husband gets angry at almost everything. He nags and drinks (not with friends because he is an introvert) excessively, so he is always at home. He keeps on complaining about our house helps even when I investigate and realize that most of his complaints are flimsy. We have changed house helps in this year up to 4 times.

So, in August this year, I decided not to get any maid again since we could not find one whose domestic care service would satisfy my husband.

Mind you, I have been the one practically footing the bill after two months that my husband lost his job because we made a huge investment in acquiring some property shortly before he lost his job. So, I pay house rent, school fees, feed the whole family (we have 3 lovely children) from my salary.

My nature of work rarely gives me time so I can’t afford to take care of the children and do much of the house chores. I explained to my husband to assist since he is always at home but he keeps saying if he had not lost his job, I wouldn’t have asked him to do basic house chores.

I know he was raised with silver spoon so he rarely knows how to do most domestic work. I had been the one doing this before we started having house helps and my job at office got more engaging.

My pastor recently advised that I should consider getting a professional cleaner who will only do some routine cleaning and leave immediately because my husband may not be comfortable with a stranger in the house.

Two days ago, I came across a thread https://www.nairaland.com/5426688/what-cost-getting-regular-home here on Nairaland while searching for a good cleaning service here in Lagos and I decided to pay for the service of a male cleaner.

After discussing with my husband, he shunned the idea and still insists I do it myself. So, he asked me to demand a refund. I need someone to help me do some basic cleaning at home since I can afford to pay for the service, but my husband does not want to accept any stranger in our home.

I have asked my pastor and my mother-in-law to talk to him also but he is still keeping deaf hear.

Is there anyone with a better suggestion before I get fed up?

Ignore him. Go ahead and bring the cleaner since youve already paid to do the cleaning then after that stop.

You are trying to make things easy for you and him since both of you can not do it and he's proving difficult. so ignore him.

MamaFryo:


What is this one even saying biko? Is he not meant to be the bread winner of the home as the society takes it. So when the woman now starts acting as the bread winner is there not something wrong? That is not even the issue, if he were to be the one working and the wife is at home, won't he expect the wife to do the house work? Now that he is the one at home, why is he not doing the house cleaning?

Society ni breadwinner ko!. They there the look society may sand enter ur eye. If u have been to somewhere lyk Abuja majority of lady are breadwinner simply bcus women are more employed than men.
Or if I can get a connection for my wife to work in ministry of women affairs n earn six figures, is dat bad. Abeg we have gone past that age of bread or garri winner. Na who see Road go share give de rest

your husband needs a job he will be back to normal when he has one

Fountainofyouth:



He is not depressed anything abeg, why won't he allow his wife get a maid after changing 4 maids in a year? He is just a vindictive and bitter person, he hates the fact that his wife is the one working and he is the one at home, he just wants to domesticate her by force nah, abi why else will he tell her to do it herself, someone that is working and obviously needs help at home.....

Are you married? If yes, you're are a bad adviser
If no, then STFU cos you know nothing of how marriage works.

The man lost his job for God sake!! Give him a break at least!! The wife should continue being a loving wife, after all she said the man is caring loving and gentle...he is just being disturbed by his current situation.

I see depression here ooo
Pls b patient with him.. Id just a matter of time I believed things will change....

CHoccolaTE:


And the funny thing is that many men in marriages today are living like this because of the bad economy, they depend on their wives for financial support but will stubbornly refuse to help with house chores.

Bitter Truth....
I personally don't know why men find it difficult to assist their wives to do house chores

Na children full this nairaland now

R

LMAO


The OP is merely advertising for Afterlife Cleaning.


Who pushed this thread to the front page??

Fountainofyouth:



He is not depressed anything abeg, why won't he allow his wife get a maid after changing 4 maids in a year? He is just a vindictive and bitter person, he hates the fact that his wife is the one working and he is the one at home, he just wants to domesticate her by force nah, abi why else will he tell her to do it herself, someone that is working and obviously needs help at home.....

Did you read the part she said her husband now drinks excessively? He is depressed, and if it continues, the woman could lose her husband to the cold hands of depression. There is no hard and fast rule in marriage o o.

MamaFryo:


What is this one even saying biko? Is he not meant to be the bread winner of the home as the society takes it. So when the woman now starts acting as the bread winner is there not something wrong? That is not even the issue, if he were to be the one working and the wife is at home, won't he expect the wife to do the house work? Now that he is the one at home, why is he not doing the house cleaning?

U are rite on the bases of the husband doing the house chores, when my sister's husband lost his job he was de one doing the house chores n skul run. I think the husband has a super ego