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How Do I Understand/satisfy My Husband? - Family - Nairaland

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How Do I Understand/satisfy My Husband? by UnbiasTruth(f): 1:43pm On Nov 21, 2019
I am sorry this is rather too long but please I need to pour out my mind because I need your mature advice. I have been going through a lot of trauma since my husband stopped working and it is really getting to me because my blood pressure is high.

I love my husband and despite what is happening now, I still love him. I just need advice on how to manage the situation right now.

My husband is a hard-working, loving, caring and gentle man; he showed me true love from the first day I met him. He was very dedicated to his job and he received commendations from his boss and colleagues at work but something just happened that led to his resignation.

A kind of conspiracy against him. He was advised by one of his superiors at work to resign. Now it’s been more than a year that he is out of job. All attempts to get him back into the labour force had been futile because he keeps saying he does not want to settle for less.

He was earning six figure salary while at his former place of work and he has a side business which he still manages till now but the profit is close to nothing and it is not even constant.

Now, the issue I have with him is that my husband gets angry at almost everything. He nags and drinks (not with friends because he is an introvert) excessively, so he is always at home. He keeps on complaining about our house helps even when I investigate and realize that most of his complaints are flimsy. We have changed house helps in this year up to 4 times.

So, in August this year, I decided not to get any maid again since we could not find one whose domestic care service would satisfy my husband.

Mind you, I have been the one practically footing the bill after two months that my husband lost his job because we made a huge investment in acquiring some property shortly before he lost his job. So, I pay house rent, school fees, feed the whole family (we have 3 lovely children) from my salary.

My nature of work rarely gives me time so I can’t afford to take care of the children and do much of the house chores. I explained to my husband to assist since he is always at home but he keeps saying if he had not lost his job, I wouldn’t have asked him to do basic house chores.

I know he was raised with silver spoon so he rarely knows how to do most domestic work. I had been the one doing this before we started having house helps and my job at office got more engaging.

My pastor recently advised that I should consider getting a professional cleaner who will only do some routine cleaning and leave immediately because my husband may not be comfortable with a stranger in the house.

Two days ago, I came across a thread https://www.nairaland.com/5426688/what-cost-getting-regular-home here on Nairaland while searching for a good cleaning service here in Lagos and I decided to pay for the service of a male cleaner.

After discussing with my husband, he shunned the idea and still insists I do it myself. So, he asked me to demand a refund. I need someone to help me do some basic cleaning at home since I can afford to pay for the service, but my husband does not want to accept any stranger in our home.

I have asked my pastor and my mother-in-law to talk to him also but he is still keeping deaf hear.

Is there anyone with a better suggestion before I get fed up?

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Re: How Do I Understand/satisfy My Husband? by daddytime(m): 1:49pm On Nov 21, 2019
Hmmm

You sound quite loving, patient and an understanding wife, and I'd advise you keep at it while hoping he'd find a way to navigate through this present tupsy turvy which most a times are a given in every man's life.

Can't understand his motive for insisting you do the chores yourself even when you could outsource same seeing how he isn't willing to lend a hand.

I honestly feel he needs to take a breather, see things for what they are right now, make adjustments while keeping his head above water, and meeting you at a junction with all the support necessary.

Hopefully, his attitude won't push you over the edge and escalate issues.

Just be mindful of your words and keep being understanding, because anything contra will get him screaming "is it because I'm out of work now"

I see ego and irritability at play here..
I hope you guys get over this...

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Re: How Do I Understand/satisfy My Husband? by Kendumazy(m): 1:50pm On Nov 21, 2019
Mheen! Sadly, he might still object your idea or decision.

1 Like

Re: How Do I Understand/satisfy My Husband? by DanielJones: 1:50pm On Nov 21, 2019
As for a good cleaning company, I can recommend Afterlifecleaning.com 08180458852. Call them to make your requests and bookings. As per price range for 4 bedroom, I don't have an idea. 2 bedroom is about 15k per month for once in a week cleaning.

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Re: How Do I Understand/satisfy My Husband? by MamaFryo(f): 1:53pm On Nov 21, 2019
I need to arrest your husband right away. That guy needs to be locked in the cell for his head to be correct. Tell him to kukuma kill you na! undecided


Let me book space here to hear from other people...

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Re: How Do I Understand/satisfy My Husband? by genq(m): 1:59pm On Nov 21, 2019
Here we go again! Another topic posted for the sole purpose of inviting frustrated NL femcels to come bash your husband.

Just a quick question based off the highlighted statement below. Why is it that a man can feed, house and even clothe a woman and the children all of his life but you will never hear him announce this to the hearing of others - but let a woman pay the bills for just one out of thirty years, the whole world must know and we won't hear the last of it!
UnbiasTruth:

Mind you, I have been the one practically footing the bill after two months that my husband lost his job because we made a huge investment in acquiring some property shortly before he lost his job. So, I pay house rent, school fees, feed the whole family (we have 3 lovely children) from my salary.

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Re: How Do I Understand/satisfy My Husband? by MamaFryo(f): 2:06pm On Nov 21, 2019
genq:

Here we go again! Another topic posted for the sole purpose of inviting frustrated NL femcels to come bash your husband.

Just a quick question based off the highlighted statement below. Why is it that a man can feed, house and even clothe a woman and the children all of his life but you will never hear him announce this to the hearing of others - but let a woman pay the bills for just one out of thirty years, the whole world must know and we won't hear the last of it!



What is this one even saying biko? Is he not meant to be the bread winner of the home as the society takes it. So when the woman now starts acting as the bread winner is there not something wrong? That is not even the issue, if he were to be the one working and the wife is at home, won't he expect the wife to do the house work? Now that he is the one at home, why is he not doing the house cleaning?

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Re: How Do I Understand/satisfy My Husband? by genq(m): 2:30pm On Nov 21, 2019
MamaFryo:


What is this one even saying biko? Is he not meant to be the bread winner of the home as the society takes it. So when the woman now starts acting as the bread winner is there not something wrong? That is not even the issue, if he were to be the one working and the wife is at home, won't he expect the wife to do the house work? Now that he is the one at home, why is he not doing the house cleaning?


Based on your previous comment I shouldn't even be responding to an uncouth scallywag like you.

You said OP's husband should be locked up - of course you'd say something so senseless and idiotic being that you have no man of your own.

Local champion lipsrsealed

429 Likes 32 Shares

Re: How Do I Understand/satisfy My Husband? by LordKO(m): 2:41pm On Nov 21, 2019
He's suffering delusion of grandeur, which is a major hallmark of small-minded people (no apologies) - a typical egotist. A sane person shouldn't be forced to become conscientious - sane people do so consciously and voluntarily.

132 Likes 7 Shares

Re: How Do I Understand/satisfy My Husband? by farady(m): 2:49pm On Nov 21, 2019
OP, thank God for using you to keep the home running, still loving you husband etc. Your husband really need some time to chill off and some bit of counseling preferably from someone he greatly respects to give him new "factory settings".

His behavour which is normal with men that have experienced job loss can be really traumatic. To him, he has lost that his economic power (which defines his masculinity) to provide for the family and in fact lost it to you................Look whether you bring in a cleaning company or not, his attitude will not change for the better, it will grow worse. At this moment, he need the support and encouragement of everyone, friends and family.

Get someone he truly respect to talk to him. On your part, go on kneels and commit him to God in prayers. Next, as you run the affairs of the home, please be kiafu make you no go mis-yarn. For instance you come dey hala like "I think you people have finished this milk that i bought just 2 days ago" cheesy or "I don't understand what you people are boiling with gas oh, that cylinder I just filled it with N4k last week and the way the cooker is burning, its like the cylinder is getting empty"...............When we men hear things like that, some of us get very upset, cause he would start thinking all these years he has been spending, nobody heard anything.

I pray God will visit your home and He who sees your sincere heart will restore joy and happiness to your home by settling your husband in Jesus name, Amen!

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Re: How Do I Understand/satisfy My Husband? by CHoccolaTE(f): 4:05pm On Nov 21, 2019
See another example of how women keep getting scammed with this marriage crap.

Men will never ever agree that they should be responsible for housework and childcare but ther selfish arrogant asses want women to be co-breadwinners and providers.


Op the lord is your strength. Ask yourself what he himself would do if you were the one sitting at home 24/7 not providing and not doing housework and then demanding that he should not employ house helps. Will he take it in patience and still show you love?
Or better still ask him.
Ask him if he enjoys seeing you get stressed and overworked because of his ego issues.

And the funny thing is that many men in marriages today are living like this because of the bad economy, they depend on their wives for financial support but will stubbornly refuse to help with house chores.

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Re: How Do I Understand/satisfy My Husband? by eniolorunfe: 4:14pm On Nov 21, 2019
This too shall pass...never forget this phrase!

While you jejely give your husband time to get over this phase as things hopefully get better...
Let everyone in the house start picking up after themselves...

You will be surprised at how much kids can get done in the house with the right incentives... You have 3 kids na ( I don't know their ages but I want to presume that at least 2 out of the 3 of them should be able to clean up after themselves)

As long as everyone cleans up after themselves there wouldn't be so much left for you to do at the end of the day. Also get labour saving devices while at it.

This may just be your husband's way of letting out is frustration with his present predicament. Give him time and pray for him too. I'm not justifying his actions, just suggesting ways for you to manage the situation.

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Re: How Do I Understand/satisfy My Husband? by SKYloafFISH(f): 4:16pm On Nov 21, 2019
MamaFryo:


What is this one even saying biko? Is he not meant to be the bread winner of the home as the society takes it. So when the woman now starts acting as the bread winner is there not something wrong? That is not even the issue, if he were to be the one working and the wife is at home, won't he expect the wife to do the house work? Now that he is the one at home, why is he not doing the house cleaning?

men view things from a different perspective. They are only a one way thinker and only want to Lord everything on us

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Re: How Do I Understand/satisfy My Husband? by Nobody: 4:18pm On Nov 21, 2019
That's why I love oyibo mentality, he would have turned into the house husband to help you d bread winner out pending when he gets a job.

32 Likes

Re: How Do I Understand/satisfy My Husband? by Fountainofyouth(f): 4:31pm On Nov 21, 2019
genq:


Based on your previous comment I shouldn't even be responding to an uncouth scallywag like you.

You said OP's husband should be locked up - of course you'd say something so senseless and idiotic being that you have no man of your own.

Local champion lipsrsealed


Leave her previous comment alone and answer her valid questions, but no, you had to be a schmuck by calling her something you can't even verify on a faceless forum, pathetic.

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Re: How Do I Understand/satisfy My Husband? by healthserve(m): 4:33pm On Nov 21, 2019
Op.Can you try this. Please .Don't ask him to do the house chores. But tell him you're asking him out on a date.

To both get engaged and physically connect through an activity.

Throw him the knapkin and hold on to one, both of you on your knees, fold your sleeves and do the cleaning together.

Try to spin it to an event to be shared rather than labor to be enforced on either party



Start training up the kids to do home chores

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Re: How Do I Understand/satisfy My Husband? by LewsTherin: 4:36pm On Nov 21, 2019
UnbiasTruth:


Seeing as this thread has been well derailed by those bashing men and those bashing those bashing men, I'll modify my post.


Your husband has just lost the most important thing to any man - self worth. He is depressed, he is frustrated, he is lost. He may come out of it tomorrow, he may never recover. You can take the easy way out like many so-called feminists will say and kick his behind to the curb...

...or you can honour your vows of "for better or worse till death do us part" (I am assuming you said those words).

If you choose this route, my advice (which may not work by the way) is
1. Pray for him. Constantly. That he find his way back.
2. Keep the house going to the best of your ability. It is difficult, I know. But it is possible.
3.Talk to him like there is nothing different. Ask his opinion on anything and everything. Leas him into discussions that will make him say "if it was me, I will do such and such" or "the best option would have been to do this and that". Something that will help him begin to think again, to plan again. It may help him out of his hole.
4. Keep trying to get his mother/father, closest friend, pastor he trusts to talk to him. But do not under any circumstances involve any other people that it can be said "you went to spread my news round the world". And very definitely no one from your family.

I actually have first hand experience of this so I have an idea how he feels. God help you.

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Re: How Do I Understand/satisfy My Husband? by Fountainofyouth(f): 4:38pm On Nov 21, 2019
AwkaetitiBabe:
That's why I love oyibo mentality, he would have turned into the house husband to help you d bread winner out pending when he gets a job.


Dey no get problem walahi cos they see life as uncomplicated, na we Africans dey take everything personal, especially religion.

6 Likes

Re: How Do I Understand/satisfy My Husband? by thorpido(m): 4:42pm On Nov 21, 2019
Please leave most of the housework undone.Just pick the ones you feel like doing and at the time you want to.What rubbish!

You have lost your job and you have a wife who is footing most of the bills and looking for alternatives to make the house run yet you're still being inconsiderate.

Love is good o but being considerate is one of the biggest things in good marriages.

I know your hubby's loss of job can get a man depressed but ego should not worsen it.
You've spoken to him,gotten the pastor to talk to him and he seems not to change.He's just too spiritually weak.
Keep praying for him(and together).I hope he still attends church.

Abeg,you cannot come and kill yourself.

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Re: How Do I Understand/satisfy My Husband? by Fountainofyouth(f): 4:44pm On Nov 21, 2019
LewsTherin:
Your husband has just lost the most important thing to any man - self worth. He is depresses, he is lost. He may come out of it tomorrow, he may never recover. You can take the easy way out like many so-called feminists will say and kick his behind to the curb...

...or you can honour your vows of "for better or worse till death do us part" (I am assuming you said those words).

If you choose this route, my advice (which may not work by the way) is
1. Pray for him. Constantly. That he find his way back.
2. Keep the house going to the best of your ability. It is difficult, I know. But it is possible.
3.Talk to him like there is nothing different. Ask his opinion on anything and everything. Leas him into discussions that will make him say "if it was me, I will do such and such" or "the best option would have been to do this and that". Something that will help him begin to think again, to plan again. It may help him out of his hole.
4. Keep trying to get his mother/father, closest friend, pastor he trusts to talk to him. But do not under any circumstances involve any other people that it can be said "you went to spread my news round the world". And very definitely no one from your family.

I actually have first hand experience of this so I have an idea how he feels. God help you.


He is not depressed anything abeg, why won't he allow his wife get a maid after changing 4 maids in a year? He is just a vindictive and bitter person, he hates the fact that his wife is the one working and he is the one at home, he just wants to domesticate her by force nah, abi why else will he tell her to do it herself, someone that is working and obviously needs help at home.....

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Re: How Do I Understand/satisfy My Husband? by healthserve(m): 4:46pm On Nov 21, 2019
Can we have this on front page to have more positive contributions please mod?? RoyalRoy

3 Likes

Re: How Do I Understand/satisfy My Husband? by genq(m): 4:52pm On Nov 21, 2019
CHoccolaTE:
See another example of how women keep getting scammed with this marriage crap.

Men will never ever agree that they should be responsible for housework and childcare but ther selfish arrogant asses want women to be co-breadwinners and providers.


Op the lord is your strength. Ask yourself what he himself would do if you were the one sitting at home 24/7 not providing and not doing housework and then demanding that he should not employ house helps. Will he take it in patience and still show you love?
Or better still ask him.
Ask him if he enjoys seeing you get stressed and overworked because of his ego issues.

And the funny thing is that many men in marriages today are living like this because of the bad economy, they depend on their wives for financial support but will stubbornly refuse to help with house chores.

Lmao!
Frustration won't kill you - "men this men that" lipsrsealed

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Re: How Do I Understand/satisfy My Husband? by genq(m): 4:55pm On Nov 21, 2019
Fountainofyouth:


Where I poked you hurts right? Pele, you will be fine.


Lol. Cry baby.. goan DIE grin

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Re: How Do I Understand/satisfy My Husband? by CHoccolaTE(f): 4:57pm On Nov 21, 2019
SKYloafFISH:
men view things from a different perspective. They are only a one way thinker and only want to Lord everything on us

Honestly, especially Nigerian men. Evil, arrogant and selfish group of people.
Even if housework and bread winning is killing their wives it's not their concern, as long as his ego is massaged.

And look at the hypocrites on this thread asking madam to continue showing a self centered egoist love and pray for him.

Let a woman be the one acting so useless in her marriage this thread will be counting five pages of insults by now.

60 Likes 5 Shares

Re: How Do I Understand/satisfy My Husband? by healthserve(m): 4:58pm On Nov 21, 2019
CHoccolaTE:


Honestly, especially Nigerian men. Evil, arrogant and selfish group of people.
Even if housework and bread winning is killing their wives it's not their concern, as long as his ego is massaged.

And look at the hypocrites on this thread asking madam to continue showing a self centered egoist love and pray for him.

Let a woman be the one acting so useless in her marriage this thread will be counting five pages of insults by now.


Try to come up with edifying words wink

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Re: How Do I Understand/satisfy My Husband? by genq(m): 4:59pm On Nov 21, 2019
CHoccolaTE:


Honestly, especially Nigerian men. Evil, arrogant and selfish group of people.
Even if housework and bread winning is killing their wives it's not their concern, as long as his ego is massaged.

And look at the hypocrites on this thread asking madam to continue showing a self centered egoist love and pray for him.

Let a woman be the one acting so useless in her marriage this thread will be counting five pages of insults by now.


You sha want every woman to end up as miserable as you. Period-licking feminist lesbiaan!

62 Likes 3 Shares

Re: How Do I Understand/satisfy My Husband? by 24kmagic(m): 5:00pm On Nov 21, 2019
I just feel he's kicking against strangers coming into your house because he doesn't want outsiders to find out that you're the one running the home. Because one way or the other, they will know and he'll lose his respect before the public, you know how 9ja people do reason.

As for not wanting to assist, he doesn't want to lose his dominance over you. Cos believe me once he starts helping, you'll unconsciously think that's his responsibility.

Honestly, all I see in this is a family man that is frustrated due to his inability to provide for his family. He will come around as soon as he gets a nice job.

But he's lucky to have you tho, 95 inside 100 women will not take that from their man.

They'll rub his joblessness on his face till he gets depressed, leading to suicide.

You're blessed!

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