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Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Family / My Sisters-In-Law Are Causing Problems In My Marriage! What Do I Do? (60134 Views)
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Re: My Sisters-In-Law Are Causing Problems In My Marriage! What Do I Do? by PeacenLove2: 12:20pm On Dec 20, 2019 |
yoged: Sometimes people mean well when they visit newly weds but from experience, it is not very advisable because peoole tend to be blind to their excesses and how their presence is an inconvenience to one spouse or both. We can't break away from extended family as there are times when we need them too but a line has to be drawn. Third parties are the culprits here. Our people sef, If na toh say who go donate one kidney na, na that time we go hia say some human beings no get kidney at all. 3 Likes |
Re: My Sisters-In-Law Are Causing Problems In My Marriage! What Do I Do? by midnighter(f): 12:35pm On Dec 20, 2019 |
ImaIma1: You are being unrealistic. All this stuff you're saying about yourself and your family relates to you only. The woman we are talking about can see that her husband's family is jumpy and probably insecure because she is wealthier than them. Showing a bit of humility will improve your chances instead of claiming right all the time. So what I am advising her to do is bend a little and bear a little discomfort in order to avoid a bigger one later. It wouldn't have taken 2 minutes to tell the husband to tell them the whereabouts of that baby just to show a simple respect to your elders even if you don't think it's necessary. I asked you if you would advise somebody to go ahead and drop the only paternal heir of their husbands family without informing them if their mother-in-law was alive and kicking? |
Re: My Sisters-In-Law Are Causing Problems In My Marriage! What Do I Do? by midnighter(f): 12:35pm On Dec 20, 2019 |
ImaIma1: Okay. But what I'm saying is that not everybody is as nice as you people so she should use her tongue to count her teeth. If somebody is selfish or jobless it doesn't disqualify them from being your in-law so you should be realistic about what is expected or required of you to remain blameless. Entering a good family where people mind their business and entering a crazy family where everybody is trying to drag relevance are not the same thing so they can't be handled the same way. |
Re: My Sisters-In-Law Are Causing Problems In My Marriage! What Do I Do? by BamideleOJ: 12:52pm On Dec 20, 2019 |
All I can say is that you should settle first with your husband on how to deal with the matter. As soon as you have his backing, deal with those people accordingly. I blame your husband though. He is a weak man. He needs one month internship with me. When he returns, you will do Thanksgiving. What bullshit!!! 1 Like |
Re: My Sisters-In-Law Are Causing Problems In My Marriage! What Do I Do? by ImaIma1(f): 1:03pm On Dec 20, 2019 |
midnighter: I still maintain that they should only be told if they ask. He is the man of the house. If his decision needs to be run by his sisters, then he is not really the man in his home. There is nothing wrong with dropping the "only paternal heir" with a mother-inlaw. They are also her grandchildren. The child belongs to the parents first before anyone else. They are responsible for him and not the entire family. So please let's stop using tradition to manipulate people. My SIL drops my brother's "paternal heir" with her mum even when my mum was alive. There's no competition whatsoever. If her husband's mother or sisters asks her to bring him to stay with them, she will also take him there. Why are you making this "paternal heir" such a big deal? As long as the parents of the children are in agreement, it's nobody's problem. Why would someone else carry it on their head like gala? 2 Likes |
Re: My Sisters-In-Law Are Causing Problems In My Marriage! What Do I Do? by ImaIma1(f): 1:08pm On Dec 20, 2019 |
midnighter: It is not about being nice. It's about minding your business and only contributing when consulted. The art of minding one's business is something that Nigerians need to master. Instead they try to pin it on culture and traditions. If they had their own money and don't need to depend in their brother for money, they would minimize their interference. But they probably think the wife has come to cut short their supplies which is inevitable. Meanwhile, they have husbands. 4 Likes |
Re: My Sisters-In-Law Are Causing Problems In My Marriage! What Do I Do? by Nobody: 1:56pm On Dec 20, 2019 |
debbydee: Rotten mango like some of your "Charger" who usually come to "Charge" you for a fee. I can assure you that I'm better than them all... Probably you are tired of chewing rotten " mangoes", you now have a choice of fresh mango. Fresh mango is available for your patronage. You may wish to.... |
Re: My Sisters-In-Law Are Causing Problems In My Marriage! What Do I Do? by YelloweWest: 2:38pm On Dec 20, 2019 |
TonyeBarcanista:Suit yourself. I've been successful married for 15years and live with my inlaw. You are single with a relationship ended based on the female not knowing her place in your life, the fact that she had asked says everything... The op should decide who's advice to take! 1 Like |
Re: My Sisters-In-Law Are Causing Problems In My Marriage! What Do I Do? by midnighter(f): 2:43pm On Dec 20, 2019 |
ImaIma1: Like I told you before, if you can't understand why the dynamic of a family with an only son may be different from that of one where male children abound then you can't understand the point I am making. Again, as I said before, I never told them to run any decision by anybody so I don't know why you went back to that. I didn't say that there's anything wrong with dropping the child off anywhere. I asked you whether you would advise OP to leave her child with her mum for an extended period of time without telling her mother-in-law. I can't get why you keep talking about yourself and your SIL when the OP has already provided information about her family for us to read. What has the shining example of your sister-in-law got to do with the matter at hand The women involved are clearly operating in a different way from your family so what you people do is not relevant. |
Re: My Sisters-In-Law Are Causing Problems In My Marriage! What Do I Do? by midnighter(f): 2:43pm On Dec 20, 2019 |
ImaIma1: I don't understand why you're giving conditions outside of the reality that OP has already narrated to us. Do they mind their business? No Do they have their own money? No Is the woman's husband doing anything about it? No So all these permutations and circumstances you keep giving don't have any bearing on the reality at hand. You can't marry into a family that has one male sibling, with a wealth disparity between that sibling and all the rest, be the youngest member of said family, from a different tribe, do your own thing with the guys child and then not expect wahala. Except if your husband is going to shield you, which most of the time they don't . This is why I said you should give realistic advice instead of basing on your own expectations of how things are "supposed" to be, according to you . If they think the woman has come to mess up their pocket money then she can prove them wrong by giving them some regard instead of trying to aggravate them further by shutting them out. 1 Like |
Re: My Sisters-In-Law Are Causing Problems In My Marriage! What Do I Do? by TonyeBarcanista(m): 2:58pm On Dec 20, 2019 |
YelloweWest:And this is what you could comprehend? I sympathise with your husband. I can only imagine what he has been going through for 15 years and counting! |
Re: My Sisters-In-Law Are Causing Problems In My Marriage! What Do I Do? by yoged(m): 3:01pm On Dec 20, 2019 |
PeacenLove2:You are right thou. |
Re: My Sisters-In-Law Are Causing Problems In My Marriage! What Do I Do? by ImaIma1(f): 4:08pm On Dec 20, 2019 |
midnighter: Well...she started what she couldn't finish. |
Re: My Sisters-In-Law Are Causing Problems In My Marriage! What Do I Do? by PecLauren: 4:16pm On Dec 20, 2019 |
TonyeBarcanista: True man... But abeg sharpen the bluntness a little bit. |
Re: My Sisters-In-Law Are Causing Problems In My Marriage! What Do I Do? by Folfy(f): 4:36pm On Dec 20, 2019 |
Anifaza:Well you need to keep trying to reconcile with your sister in laws o and at the same time prayer is the key Avoid anything that can be causing problem between you and you sister in laws, give them full respect and beg your husband. Your home is important make sure you build it well 1 Like |
Re: My Sisters-In-Law Are Causing Problems In My Marriage! What Do I Do? by midnighter(f): 4:45pm On Dec 20, 2019 |
ImaIma1: Yes, and now that she's seen the type of family she has landed in she should order her steps accordingly. |
Re: My Sisters-In-Law Are Causing Problems In My Marriage! What Do I Do? by luvmijeje(f): 4:52pm On Dec 20, 2019 |
Anifaza: This part of your post stood out for me. Your husband is obviously a man with deep sense of responsibility. He feels like it now rest on him to play the role of a father and mother to his Siblings. He feels like he is the man of the house. And in return his siblings are trying to play the role of his mother. He is never going to change. It is who he is . In this kind of situation you only have 2 options 1. Don't bend and lose him 2. Bend and keep him. If you think he is worth it, I will advise you to bend. Play the fool. Go and ask for forgiveness from your sister in law. Tell them to forgive you. |
Re: My Sisters-In-Law Are Causing Problems In My Marriage! What Do I Do? by ZIMDRILL(m): 7:11pm On Dec 20, 2019 |
jagojunior: we analyse differently 1 from her writting there is no mentioned about mother -in-law, i (we) assume she is not in the picture right ? if she was/she is why she is not part or took part in the looking after the child ? 2 remember she got pregnant and married while at skol right meaning she was running three things at same time, skol child and marriage which is not an easy things when you are young, hubby family expects you to play your daughter-in-law role, skol needs attending and the child needs her mother, only her mother came in to help where was/is mother -in-law 3 1st years of most marriages are run by beliefs and tradition than the newly weds themselves, what i mean both of your would be imposing your beliefs and tradition on each other based on how your were brought up and how your elders tell you how you should run a marriage. It takes years to established your foundation as a couple hence this woman after 10 years her marriage is not still established as sister have more influence in her marriage 4 Forget about her not complaining about the sisters before marriage, basically which right did she had to complain about the sisters before marriage ? we all know that usually people are nice before marriage you only see the true colours after being officially in 5 never assume than every family are like yours 2 Likes |
Re: My Sisters-In-Law Are Causing Problems In My Marriage! What Do I Do? by YelloweWest: 7:36pm On Dec 20, 2019 |
TonyeBarcanista:My husband is not tied to me at the hip, he could and would leave if not happy but in his words he rather fight with me tham be with anyone else. Happily married for 15years... And to think you are from Kalabari Rivers State bearing "Tonye" and having such having such negative outlook on the sanctity of marriage is so disappointing... I'm Kalabari too likewise my husband and we are know for being hospitable in marriage. We welcomed outsiders who married our sons/brothers and treat them with respect. Your mentality is common amongst Igbos not our people. Our wife's historically were never subjected to such inhumane treatment in the name of marriage and inlaw relations. If you were the op and your wife siblings are being disrespectful to your mother in your own home, your wife deny to conjugal right because you have misunderstanding with her sister, your wife kicked your pregnant relative who is obviously in distress out of your house, your wife takes every single family matter out to her siblings and is influenced by them, your wife attends to her siblings more than you and the children, how would you feel? The best marriage is between husband and wife, every other person (sibling or not) is an intruder! 4 Likes 1 Share |
Re: My Sisters-In-Law Are Causing Problems In My Marriage! What Do I Do? by YelloweWest: 7:40pm On Dec 20, 2019 |
jagojunior:So the op being a young student should have left her new born baby in the care of people she does not trust, people who clearly dislike her all because of culture?? The op has the right to invite her mother to take care of her child if that's who she can in trust the care of her baby to! 3 Likes |
Re: My Sisters-In-Law Are Causing Problems In My Marriage! What Do I Do? by skyisthelimit(m): 9:00pm On Dec 20, 2019 |
A man irrespective of whatever has a duty to protect his family. He should continue to love and assist his sisters but there should be limits. Women might have their issues but that is why the man has to create some balance. Will your sisters want some other person to come terrorize them in their homes? Your sisters will come give you headache and go have peace,while you are not having peace in your home because of what they left behind. Women generally love attention and are territorial , men also have their own characteristics so for the sake of peace and prosperity. Like people are just so poor and back ward in mentality , kai. People should learn to get busy and be productive with their lives,how can you have so much time for another person. So much idleness and pettiness and envy and hate in the polity. Women should never ever depend on any man. So if you have a girl child,is this the orientation you want to give her? The way you respect your wife is the way others will follow suit. We take life too serious and very soon everyone will die and i mean die and be forgotten. Most times the men even die before the women so let the man imagine what his kids will be going through in his absence...the kids are always the victims. Let the wife have an over dose of patience and respect , then the man having observed that his wife is making such great effort , tries his best to stand up and set limits because you sure can not please everybody. We have not heard the man's version of the story but if all the above is true, then it is very unfortunate because he needs to be a MAN and very soon too. 3 Likes |
Re: My Sisters-In-Law Are Causing Problems In My Marriage! What Do I Do? by midnighter(f): 9:01pm On Dec 20, 2019 |
ZIMDRILL: Thank you. |
Re: My Sisters-In-Law Are Causing Problems In My Marriage! What Do I Do? by midnighter(f): 9:07pm On Dec 20, 2019 |
skyisthelimit: And thank you as well |
Re: My Sisters-In-Law Are Causing Problems In My Marriage! What Do I Do? by lessonsoflife: 3:16am On Dec 21, 2019 |
midnighter: I was just imagining, does the OP really know how her husband got his wealth? It could be the sisters assisted their brother, they might have sacrificed their savings, what was meant for their children and given to their brother. They might have told their brother if you succeed, make sure you don't forget how you succeeded and all. The man has succeeded and married now the wife want the man to forget his sisters? I once rented a certain apartment. The landlady was troublesome and gives all the tenants headache. But I got along with her very well.. Now all the tenants knows that this woman is not the owner of the house it belongs to her brother. And despite the bad attitude that drives tenant away, her brother still takes good care of her. She told me her brother took her to court to eject her from the house yet it is still the brother that brought foreign doctors to operate on the woman of fibroid of many years. Till today, the woman still receives help from her brother. I believe the OP is economical with the true story. |
Re: My Sisters-In-Law Are Causing Problems In My Marriage! What Do I Do? by midnighter(f): 4:40am On Dec 21, 2019 |
lessonsoflife: The post you quoted up there was about the way OP tried to be sneaky with the children knowing it would probably cause trouble. They do not have the right to bully her on the basis of sacrifice, but her actions in that instance may have provoked them into feeling that she is a child being carried on the back who doesnt know where her bread is being buttered. The mans children belong to his family and not yours. If you know you want to drop them with your mum you can sweeten the in-laws up by carrying them along. Letting them know where the baby is or taking them to visit once in a while would have pacified them so that they wouldnt complain that youre trying to colonise their son. Does her mother own those children Mod: That was just the point I was trying to make to the lady who quoted me. If you know you want to get away with something that doesnt make sense why not try to code it with a small respect instead of making it so obvious that you dont care what they think? Even if you dont care, why show it to them? They will start reading all sorts of meaning into it, maybe that she thinks she has arrived because she has enough money and is the only one bearing children for the family lineage so she can carry their ward about as she pleases and they cannot do her anything. So why wont they disrespect your mother when you showed them your yansh first It's not called being an "only son" for nothing, so if you marry such a person you should understand that certain aspects of your relationship with his family may be sensitive and require careful considerations to avoid trouble later. Even if she is not being honest about the source of the mans wealth its obvious that they must have taken care of him in one way or another, financial or not so it would be wiser to give credit where credit is due instead of doing "how is it their business". Ha, it must be their business ooo |
Re: My Sisters-In-Law Are Causing Problems In My Marriage! What Do I Do? by NoToPile: 5:31am On Dec 21, 2019 |
midnighter: In reality all these back and forth about taking the child to mum when she was schooling is not really necessary, once her husband supports the idea, its really not their business as long as the couple are in agreement to where their child is, if it was a safety issue it's a different thing entirely but this one is just about being troublesome. I dont know what tribe the OP and hubby comes from but I believe you are also talking from a cultural inclination. A woman taking her child to her mum while in school in agreement with her husband is not something inlaws (whether sane or not) should have issues with. If they ask its as simple as baby is with my mum for sometime since I am in school. She doesnt need their permission, she can tell them about it but its not something they are supposed to wail about. First son, only heir, the child belongs to the man's family, etc doesn't even come into play here at all. What of grandparents that dont have sons, cant they take care of grandchildren from their daughters? 3 Likes |
Re: My Sisters-In-Law Are Causing Problems In My Marriage! What Do I Do? by midnighter(f): 5:34am On Dec 21, 2019 |
NoToPile: Yes, they SHOULDN'T, but they did. Why? |
Re: My Sisters-In-Law Are Causing Problems In My Marriage! What Do I Do? by NoToPile: 5:35am On Dec 21, 2019 |
midnighter: Its because they are troublesome |
Re: My Sisters-In-Law Are Causing Problems In My Marriage! What Do I Do? by midnighter(f): 5:38am On Dec 21, 2019 |
NoToPile: And now that you know they are troublesome, insecure, hanging onto their brother, crazy, greedy etc. Dont you think it would be better for you to nip their accusation in the bud instead of talking "shouldnt", "couldnt", "it doesnt matter" bla bla? You can even see somebody quoted me talking about sacrifices, cant you see the woman is already on a slippery slope from the beginning? |
Re: My Sisters-In-Law Are Causing Problems In My Marriage! What Do I Do? by NoToPile: 5:44am On Dec 21, 2019 |
midnighter: Point is they will never be reasonable, it doesn't really matter what the wife does or not. She can NEVER please them, she can as well do her thing and ignore them after all they will still complain and wail as usual. 4 Likes |
Re: My Sisters-In-Law Are Causing Problems In My Marriage! What Do I Do? by midnighter(f): 5:53am On Dec 21, 2019 |
NoToPile: If you tell her to ignore them and do what she likes REGARDLESS of her individual situation, then thats your own. Only son, doesnt matter. Bunch of elder sisters doesnt matter. Husband is wealthy doesnt matter. OP is wealthy doesnt matter. Mother-in-law nowhere to be seen in the story doesnt matter. Just do as you like because theyre unreasonable. Okay! I only object to actually quoting me and telling me it doesnt matter...you cant be nonchalant about things that obviously play a part in a problem and then come back to complain when you didnt take good measures in the first place. Its either you acknowledge that the facts that SHE GAVE US IN THE OP are important BUT she should not act on them, or you tell her what to do in HER situation . You dont read a whole post full of information and then claim that none of it matters because of what YOU personally do in your house. That doesnt make any sense. |
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