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Love Is Never Enough When It Comes To Marriage. Do Well To Marry Into A Family That Loves You & Accepts You For Who You Are. Give It Time, You Will Heal. Let Him Go

CokeBar:
I will try to be as fair as possible as I would want to receive honest feedback from you. This might be a bit long but please ride with me.

Background:

We met at our previous workplace early 2018, we instantly clicked and became friends. I was well-known at work, he was the opposite (he liked being by himself), we however always had time to talk. After few months he asked me out but because I knew how office romance wasn’t healthy, I declined, although I always had him understand that I really liked him. During this period, we always had one issue or the other probably because we were getting to know each other. We got into one of the usual fight and I told him not to call me anymore, he respected that and we stopped talking… after couple of months, we had an office party and he wasn’t there so I texted him inquiring why he was absent and we resumed talking again.

I finally let my emotions flow and I agreed we could start a relationship as I was super happy we had started talking again… this happened late 2018.

A little about him:

He is very respectful (this is an attribute I love about him). He is also willing to learn and adjust to make me happy. He is super romantic, he goes extra mile to make sure I am comfortable whenever I visit, oh! And he also cooks. For example, he lives at point B and I live at point E, if we were to go to point A which is obviously closer to his house, he would rather come pick me from point E, no uber… he prefers to do it. I just want to explain how kind, romantic and caring he is. A downside would be that he has complex issues, why? Because he was the least performing child in his family so that kinda messed him up.

Back to our relationship:

He is in his late 20’s and he works, I am in my mid 20’s and I work… we earn pretty well and usually buy stuff for each other; money has never been an issue. Mid-2019, we went to Dubai on vacation, though we initially agreed to share cost 60% – 40%, with him contributing 60%, we eventually shared it 50 – 50 (I understood because we had exhausted the money we went with and I usually take extra funds with me). He talks to my mum (calls) and they are pretty cool, however, I have never spoken to his. Few times, he wanted me to talk to her but either I was too shy, or something came up. One day, I was at his and she called… she asked if he was with someone and he said no, I was unhappy about that but he told him me that since it was late he didn’t want his mum to have a wrong perception of me. I was quite satisfied with that explanation.

We both work from home (IT) so we are usually in each other’s company as we could work from anywhere.

The problem:

I am from Edo state, Benin precisely and he is Igbo… least I forget, before we started the relationship, I asked him if his family would be okay if he married outside Igbo considering that his married brothers all got hinged to Igbo chicks. In his words, “Yes, everything depends on how I present you to them”, I was satisfied with the response.

As at mid 2019, he told his Dad about me and he requested that I go see his elder brother (I think his Dad though I was Igbo) but I couldn’t go as I was reacting to a drug I was taking and my skin looked really bad. My BF understood and after few months I went to see his other elder brother as the first one was out of the country. It was a dinner and it went well. At a point, I noticed his mother was cajoling him to meet her friend’s daughter (I think his parents had found out I wasn’t Igbo), but my BF didn’t oblige. I confronted him with the tribal issue, and he told me everything was still as he said and I shouldn’t bother. Late 2019, he called and said his Dad wasn’t taking any of it and had told him he wanted all his kids to be married to Igbos. I respected this decision although it was hurtful. At that time, I was in a different state with people around so it would have been easier to heal but he still insisted that the was talking to them and I shouldn’t give up on him as his mum wanted to meet me, I obliged.

Early 2020, he made me return to his state and everything was going on well, then on a fateful day, his mum called and she started talking about marriage and he said “you people should please let me marry my girlfriend” and his mum replied “who’s that?”, I was shocked cause I felt this was the lady who said she wanted to meet me. He explained himself out of that and even though I wasn’t buying it, I needed my peace of mind.

Another day, his dad called and asked about marriage, my boyfriend wanted to quickly change the topic because I was there but his dad asked if he had broken up with me (the Bini girl) and my boyfriend replied “I am on the fence.” That answer immediately gave me stomach pain. I told him it was over, and I couldn’t trust him with our relationship if he could give such response.
He tried to plead but I was having none of it. Now, I am hurt! Sad! (Couple with the fact that I am still in his city and I am usually in the room where I work) Very sad but I just want to know if I made the right decision. I can’t deny the fact that I love him and maybe that’s why my senses aren't working properly.

Martinez39s, ubunja, Many other notable MGTOW members and I don't give out the red pill for just knowing how to deal with women. We give it out for men to know how to deal with life. Your boyfriend is a weakling. And he is a simp. You don't want such person in your life. You don't want someone whom will always agree to your biddings without at least having his own way. It's not romantic at all. But hey we are called names for standing for something.

You should break up asap, you don't want such man in your life, plus you won't enjoy that marriage once entered. Ciao

JohnnyPalmer:
You made the right decision
Never doubt that for a moment

He should man up
I get he's scared of his parents or wants to please them

But parents won't be the one to live your marriage
Both you guys are a perfect match and in love with one another
.
Not once, not twice, he's been caught on the phone denying you or aiding and albeiting gettting rid of you

Don't call him or beg him.... If he loves you that much, he will call and make things right, and make sure you don't get back with him till he takes a stand... Let him clear his parents... So you don't keep on wasting time, sacrifices on something that will eventually won't work out

This is 2020, parents should get past all these nonsense.... You can't marry from this or that tribe

Imagine being denied a forever happiness because of some nonsense ideologies

Atleast this one is better, mine , his parents already found a wife for him and are willing to go on his behalf and do the needful...it hurts

why don't you guys sit and talk extensively about this, find out what he wants to do about the situation. I feel as the last he doesn't want to offend his family, it could still be his complexity issue raising up.
anyway you can't force yourself, don't cajole him so something does not go wrong later and he has you to blame. everything is up to him.

Vieamie:
Love Is Never Enough When It Comes To Marriage.
Do Well To Marry Into A Family That Loves You & Accepts You For Who You Are.
Give It Time, You Will Heal. Let Him Go

Thank you, I'm taking this route

Omar09:
Martinez39s, ubunja, Many other notable MGTOW members and I don't give out the red pill for just knowing how to deal with women. We give it out for men to know how to deal with life. Your boyfriend is a weakling. And he is a simp. You don't want such person in your life. You don't want someone whom will always agree to your biddings without at least having his own way. It's not romantic at all. But hey we are called names for standing for something.

You should break up asap, you don't want such man in your life, plus you won't enjoy that marriage once entered. Ciao

Thank you, I appreciate

MorningStar233:
Atleast this one is better, mine , his parents already found a wife for him and are willing to go on his behalf and do the needful...it hurts

Woah! I'm so sorry.
What tribe though?

Omar09:
Martinez39s, ubunja, Many other notable MGTOW members and I don't give out the red pill for just knowing how to deal with women. We give it out for men to know how to deal with life. Your boyfriend is a weakling. And he is a simp. You don't want such person in your life. You don't want someone whom will always agree to your biddings without at least having his own way. It's not romantic at all. But hey we are called names for standing for something.

You should break up asap, you don't want such man in your life, plus you won't enjoy that marriage once entered. Ciao

The guy is a weak man. He can't think on his own and he prefers to lean on mummy and daddy for safety.

My sis,try and relax,and see everything fall back into place naturally.when u do this,he wil kum with his family begging 4 your hand in marriage.dont force things,everything will kum back to you.

Yemialade:
My sis,try and relax,and see everything fall back into place naturally.when u do this,he wil kum with his family begging 4 your hand in marriage.dont force things,everything will kum back to you.

Thank you, I appreciate

CokeBar:
He's actually from Imo

Thank you for your advise

My father actually married an edo woman. See, ibos are very picky about marrying non ibos but there are exceptions. But some are extremely picky than others.
Still the same ignorance worrying them
Sorry to say this, your ex is a boy, not minding his age. A man who can't stand up to defend his choice is a boy. I'm happy you're moving on. You deserve the best. What pains me is the time wasted.

CokeBar:
Woah! I'm so sorry.
What tribe though?

Isoko

Tallesty1:
Nobody here seems to understand the guy but I do a little because my eldest bro was in a similar situation once.

You see all these people saying man up bla bla bla and the other one saying my mama cannot take decisions for me, Y'all are saying these because it is not you.

Mothers are the most manipulative people on earth and it is worse if they gave you a good life. It would be much easier for your man if his family gave him nothing but if thy gave the necessary support he needed as a child then Y'all have no idea how he's feeling.


Here's what I think he's trying do. He wants to take time to convince his parents instead of disobeying them, because if he disobeys them outrightly like people are suggesting, they will all hate you and you will regret marrying him as time goes on.

Truth is, it is better to be at peace with your husband's family and have minor issues with your husband than to be at peace with your husband and have issues with his family.

It possible that he's trying to delay marriage until they say "tor if nah must say if no be that bini girl you will remain single for life then please marry her"

It is also possible that he's trying to get his brothers on his side(what my brother did) and together they will help him to convince his parents.

So you don't need to call it off just like that, it means you don't value the fight he's fighting just to be with you.

What you need to do is sit him down and ask him what his plans are, why he chose the plans and how far he can go with it.


If the answers are reasonable to you then you both should stand by each other in this trying time, otherwise you move on.


In situations like this, it is usually the lady that do more to win the guy's parents heart long before the relationship gets to marriage level.


Once a parent says "if no be say that girl is not from our tribe, I for say make you marry her" just know that the battle is half won.

That guy is not going to choose this lady. Period. He doesn't seem like he has the balls to stand up to his parents. I've inferred this from her post. Two years is enough to let his family know of his intentions Infact more than enough.
Aunty cokebar
If he wants to wife you, he'll tell his people.
If not, he'll keep beating around the bush.

Blu03:
i hate all this tribal bullshit. One guy once came here to complain that his fiancee is an 'osu', bla bla bla.

You boyfriend should man up and take control of his damn life. I respect my mother and i strive to always please her. But there are certain choices she cannot make for me.
If he loves you, he marries you.

OSU never do you something

Viciheaka:
OSU never do you something

a modern day slave? Please!
If a white man prevents you from marrying his daughter because you great grand parents were sold as slaves, wouldn't you cry racism?

CokeBar:
I really want to fight for it but I am scared getting married to a family who do not like me or treat me differently. Also, I would have felt better fighting for it if he made me feel that way

You won't enjoy the marriage if your boyfriend's family doesn't love you, which shows clearly that they don't and not just that, they despise you.

I think the guy is a bit weak.

Blu03:
a modern day slave? Please!
If a white man prevents you from marrying his daughter because you great grand parents were sold as slaves, wouldn't you cry racism?

OSU is not slavery pls OSU in my area are people whose lineage are dedicated to the gods of the land

Blu03:
a modern day slave? Please!
If a white man prevents you from marrying his daughter because you great grand parents were sold as slaves, wouldn't you cry racism?

hmmmm abeg wetin be osu

His type are hard to get in this Nigeria. It is better you fight to the conclusion of the matter

I don’t know who is reading such a long post. If you can’t keep it short and go straight to the point I’m not wasting my time. Some of us have work and other things to tend to.

CokeBar:
I really want to fight for it but I am scared getting married to a family who do not like me or treat me differently. Also, I would have felt better fighting for it if he made me feel that way

My advice:
For your own sanity, back out. remember in marriage, you're not only married to your husband but to his entire family. In the this situation, you know they don't want you... back out.

Remember parents have ways of influencing their kids, you don't wanna go into a family that the parents will frustrate.

This is not a time to think with emotions and stupid love... this is the time to use your head.

Macnnoli4:
His type are hard to get in this Nigeria. It is better you fight to the conclusion of the matter

Hence the reason I am sad... but I'll put this aside and try to heal.

If I ain't accepted in a family, the best gift I could give myself would be to walk out.

Thank you for your input.

Offpoint:
My advice:
For your own sanity, back out. remember in marriage, you're not only married to your husband but to his entire family. In the this situation, you know they don't want you... back out.

Remember parents have ways of influencing their kids, you don't wanna go into a family that the parents will frustrate.

This is not a time to think with emotions and stupid love... this is the time to use your head.

Thank you I needed to hear your last statement. Thanks

Chi59:
That guy is not going to choose this lady. Period. He doesn't seem like he has the balls to stand up to his parents. I've inferred this from her post. Two years is enough to let his family know of his intentions Infact more than enough.
Aunty cokebar
If he wants to wife you, he'll tell his people.
If not, he'll keep beating around the bush.

Agreed!

CokeBar:
Thank you I needed to hear your last statement. Thanks

You're welcome, better days ahead.

it'll hurt, but it's better to get hurt now and heal later, than to get in the nearest future for what would have been avoided when the signs are obviously cleared.

Stay strong

Offpoint:
You're welcome, better days ahead.

it'll hurt, but it's better to get hurt now and heal later, than to get in the nearest future for what would have been avoided when the signs are obviously cleared.

Stay strong

Thanks

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Shibaraba:
And she said she broke up with him.....

Bini and igbo no dey blend. Go ask. They never blend. Go find owioba marry. You both dodged bullets

You lie.
Two of my elder bros married from edo.
One from esakor the other from auchi. So don't generalize it all depends on the family involved.

CokeBar:
I really want to fight for it but I am scared getting married to a family who do not like me or treat me differently. Also, I would have felt better fighting for it if he made me feel that way

Don't even go there biko!
He's d one seeking ur hand in marriage, he shd be d one doing d fighting. If he's so 'tied' to his parents dt he can't take a stand 4 u, then no deal.

When it comes to tribal issues, by now if u don't know 'they' don't carry last, then u need deliverance.

See what Lola (Peter okoye's wife) has been facing (and still facing) as we speak: the family don't like her for no just reason (even if u and I know its because she's not Igbo), his elder brother (Jude) even refused to attend d wedding. Even his twin brother, Paul, is no better, never shy to insult her on social media.

Use ur head over ur heart, at least in ds case.

richie240:
Don't even go there biko!
He's d one seeking ur hand in marriage, he shd be d one doing d fighting. If he's so 'tied' to his parents dt he can't take a stand 4 u, then no deal.

When it comes to tribal issues, by now if u don't know 'they' don't carry last, then u need deliverance.

See what Lola (Peter okoye's wife) has been facing (and still facing) as we speak: the family don't like her for no just reason (even if u and I know its because she's not Igbo), his elder brother (Jude) even refused to attend d wedding. Even his twin brother, Paul, is no better, never shy to insult her on social media.

Use ur head over ur heart, at least in ds case!

Hmmm, thank you

I have given myself brain and counted my losses

I truly feel your Pain Dear.
But, have ever discussed any/all these with any of your Family Member?
What was their Opinion?

IvyGRush:
I truly feel your Pain Dear.

But, have ever discussed any/all these with any of your Family Member?

What was their Opinion?

I'm over it dear.

Thanks