sylve11:


Something is not right. Look deeper.

the only thing that's not right is that the lady came from a poor background. See, people are wicked in this world, believe it or not.

EJanni:
that's not true my brother. I have seen where a woman did all of these and more and the man continued to dehumanise her in every way. He did her a favour by marrying her. He sàys.

There is more to it than you know.. Look most things in life follows the law of inertia.... Every action begets a reaction.... Even the devil appreciates loyalty and faithfulness... So who is the man not to?... There is something they are not telling you

Femsyn:
To buttress the OP's views...

I read this story and i laughed... i laughed hard because marriage is complex and is often more that what meets the eye.

Do you know the couple's story? They alone, know why they act in the manner they do. Look! how a woman or wife react in marriage is borne more of the input of the husband. What you see is what you get.

Let me ask you a question? Do you think the woman would've reacted the same way, if the man is often of the habit of squandering family cash on irrelevant things, stays away from the house with girlfriends, ignores the wife, does not carry the wife along in major decisions and does not take care of the home?

Young men, don't read hastily. The man the OP depicted up there is a responsible man. Most women align with their husbands easily, when the man is doing the needful.

The man has done enough for the reward you saw for few moments. Men, that reward doesn't come automatically. You work for it!!!

My response is not for the OP, because s/he has done justice with the points given thereafter. My response is for men who might read hastily, and assume the wife's behaviour is follow-come.

Fantastic

But the man's attitude, you painted is follow come and not a response of the wife's?

DexterousOne:



Summary of the story

A man who is responsible will get all the goodies ceteris paribus

If the woman does anyhow
She knows another woman is there to replace her.
And no one wants to lose better thing

Good!

If the woman does anyhow, right?

Trust me, you will be the one to dismiss the man, even if the woman does anyhow.

You will tell him to go back to the woman, who does any how and work things out, even if it's near impossible.

tunize:

Too know which sometimes breeds irresposibility i feel that is wat we lack in this present time whereby bad can't be differentiated from good any more.

Yea, bad is now seen as normal.

absolutefrag:
We should avoid generalization when looking at marriages. That is a recipe for unhappiness. In some situations the man might insist that the money be handed to his wife and in others they might decide to share or spend jointly on an existing projects. And they can all be right, depending on what works for them. People should do what works for them to attain success without seeing things only from one angle.

exactly my thoughts....infact if it were to be my family, my dad doesn't mind...and my parents were married for 40+yrs though dad died in 2018. everything is understanding...there is no particular recipe to happy marriage.

Are you married?

missimelda01:
These days both men and women want to play smart, no one wants to be at the loosing end.

It appears women back in the days understood submissiveness to the husband, and it worked for them.

Now, most women act like they are the boss in the home, and end up learning the hard way. The smart ones are submissive and hold sway in their homes.

This can be likened to a boss that has a staff supervisor that only does what she likes, mostly the opposite of what the boss instructs. The boss will get a second supervisor, and thereafter fire the first. So the moral is to submit to the boss first, and thereafter you would always be a dependable favorite, and friend.

We may argue, even successful, that the boss and supervisor relationship are not entirely the same scenario with marriage, but the emotions behind the decision making are usually the same for both cases.

Michellekabod2:
To a man,a good wife is one that submits to him,tolerate him,compromise for him. Just he,himself and him.

What men call good in a woman is what benefits them not the woman themselves.
You can never see a man praise his wife saying "she is a strong woman,pursued her dreams and goal,made a name for himself. I admire her confidence,her diligence and how she takes Care of herself". It always has to be "I love her so much,she sacrificed for ME,made compromises for ME, stood by ME and endured MY excesses"

A woman's need is never in a man's agenda.

Today a man opened a thread praising his wife, all I saw was celebrating self centeredness and encouraging women to settle for the less(when men aren't willing to settle for less).



Self duty is the best form of sacrifice.

This is one of the feminists

Mizwisdom:


Yea, I should have used 'may', but for a woman to refuse her own share of money that way after many years of marriage, seems more likely that she is scared than she willingly did it out of her free will...
.

It actually means she understands the way a home should work. We see this everywhere. There's no plane or ship with 2 captains. No country with 2 presidents (except in a civil war which is what marriages are becoming).

God who originated marriage created a hierarchy in his wisdom - the man leads (with deep love for his wife), and the woman compliments or completes him (with deep respect).

This means a wise woman knows the decisions in the home are on her husbands shoulders. She doesn't compete with him for control.

The husband however shouldn't become a dictator in the house. He has to lead his wife with deep love. Which means when she has a suggestion or concern, he carefully listens to her and as much as possible, consider her thoughts when directing the home. In some cases, he should put aside his thoughts and go with his wife's. And even if things don't pan out, not criticize her for her thoughts.

But the summary is, the directing of the home is the man's responsibility. A woman who understands that will have a happy marriage. A man who knows how to lead in love will have a happy marriage.

absolutefrag:
We should avoid generalization when looking at marriages. That is a recipe for unhappiness. In some situations the man might insist that the money be handed to his wife and in others they might decide to share or spend jointly on an existing projects. And they can all be right, depending on what works for them. People should do what works for them to attain success without seeing things only from one angle.

the point the op was trying to pass was the importance of a wife recognizing the headship of the house not necessarily about our money is spent or shared. 100% of successful marriages you see the wife respecting the head of the family and the head of the family loving the wife like himself (tho this later isn't always the case)hence the op's conclusion that the success of the marriage is usually in the wife's hand

In every institution there is always one leader whose decision everyone follows, marriage is not an exception. The decisions are usually not just thought out by that same one person but a combination of many factors. Whist some men can be bad decisions maker, they are able to learn from experience. In the marriage, the decision maker is the man but you will find most times a happy man follows what his wife says. A happy man is one whose wife listens to him. It’s all simple. May God give us wisdom.

Rapmoney:
There's no manual or handout to marriage. Anything wey anybody see, e go take am.

There is a manual Bro, and that's the Bible!!!


Wife: submit to your husband!!!
Husband: Love your wife!!!

These two ingredients summarizes everything a marriage needs to survive.

One cannot work without the other, the husband must love the wife and the wife must submit to the husband for the marriage to work!

Note the word "Must", which means it's a command for both parties to follow for the marriage to work.

How many Ladies of this generation can refer to their husbands or see them as Lords?....maybe just 1 out of 1000!

And how many Men today love their wives unconditionally

kunletexs:
Am speechless for this writeup. Why?

1. If a lady could write objectively then there are still good hopes
2. For their daughter to know the standing order of how the sharing would go down implies that they don tay for that price.

Thanks for adding the writeup to my mental things to do in marriage.

By the way, op, you be single. Make we start something now

You are also part of the problem.re -read the article again.the op is a male with a female moniker. Or you wanna fling a man.

Marriage isn't for children.you can be 40 years and have a mind of 18years old boy. My own little experience on marriage.Most marriages fail because the two people involved expect much from eachother,parents , friends and not been truthful to each other .I married at the age of 25 and this year December is my 6th year in marriage.The first one year of our marriage was hell even thou I dated my hubby for 4years.Sometimes the problem comes from me and other times from hubby. Once we start having issues then the next I will do is to move my things back to my parents house.my dad and mom will seat me down and give me lots of advice especially on the area of respecting my husband and they will drive me back to my hubby's place. This whole thing made me angry cause I felt they were supporting my hubby not knowing they were really helping me .My mom bought me a book on my !My Marriage must work! .My mind set then was let me just divorce him mind you money was never the issue for the qurels not that he has lots of money at least he was ok for a guy of 29. One day I sat myself down and adviced myself ,called my husband and apologizeed to him for not been a good wife to him and also listed out things he does that I am not happy about. We decided to work things out and ever since then no more major qurels list I forgot my husband's friend was the one always feeding me with false info I don't know what his intentions was but I thank God the � did not break my marriage. Your spouse must offend you but the ability for you to let go the healthier for you and ur marriage. Most men have one dirty habit such as smoking ,drinking , staying out late and womanising.My sister don't kill urself pray to God he will change. My husband was a big time smoker never knew all this year's of dating it was after marriage I noticed and that was one of the problems But today the sight of cigarettes and alcohol irritates him.The day your wife tells you she is tired of cooking ,my dear let her be you can help out making the meal or you both eat out it's all about understanding your wife is not your maid .

UyaiIncomparabl:


It's really so pathetic, dear. It usually about them. It's always them wanting to be at the receiving end. I think if we channel that energy of propriety and superiority that we try to exert in our relationships into just making each other happy without guilt, doubt and thinking what the next person thinks or says, we'll begin to understand each other better.

I've just come to realize that, these days, no one truly loves the other. They're only there for what they can sap and get from the other. I wish I can get another word for PATHETIC. If you're really lucky to find someone who loves you unconditionally without all these self-centredness and useless standards, just hold him tight. True love died a long time ago.

Lets hook up
I will love you genuinely

missimelda01:
These days both men and women want to play smart, no one wants to be at the loosing end. Abi is it too much sense that is killing our generation? Marriage is a beautiful thing but that's gradually changing, the women love their children more and forget their husbands, the husbands chase after ladies and forget their wives, people are stabbing each other to death, and so much more. God help us.
40 years of being together is huge, I tap into the blessing.

Me too

Michellekabod2:

You didnt comprehend my post and yet offered a rebuttal not related to my post.
Norms are more of stereotype a society adapts,both men and women are influenced by this.
I never and will never endorse conforming to norms ,I only made mention of norms to buttress my point. Where did I say norms are to be practiced by males or females only?

You call providing for the family a privilege and not a right,so why do men believe being the home maker that cooks and take Care of the kids is their right?why don't they also see it as a privilege?
I made a comparison of praising a woman for enduring cheating and bullshit from a man and a woman praising her husband for just being faithful.
Did I made mention of submissiveness or being a home maker?
Please read my posts carefully.



I know many women that are contented with the fact that their husbands don't cheat or get drunk . Thats enough for her to idolize him. Each time I complain of my dad my mum will say "be grateful for your dad,he doesn't have kids outside,he doesn't drink etc"
But for a man to praise a woman it means she did the extraordinary like giving up her career, enduring his baggage like (smoking,drinking,chasing girls and domestic violence).

You are very confused and stop beating around the bush. Just in about ten years from now or less you will get married that's if you want to and do not go there and start behaving like a bitch. Issa simple sturv

back2sender:


Exactly my brother.
If a man is happy with with his wife and the wife is not happy with the man, the marriage will survive.
BUT
if a man is not happy with his wife and the wife is happy with the man, the marriage will not last.

We should start teaching females facts not fantasies...........Happiness is subjective.......

Like we rightly observed in recent truth in boxing....that six packs is not an indication of physical strength........but females fantasia ideology of the fact has been pushing guys to the gym......

There is a very wide line between a Happy home and a peaceful home........

The earlier we stop sacrificing a short lived Happiness for long lasting peace, the better for this fragile society.

ONE WORD: HONOR. THATS WHAT BUYS THE MAN AND HIS SOUL

missimelda01:


Yea, bad is now seen as normal.

I'm telling you.

Mamma is suffering from Stockholm syndrome. There's no sane woman, living a happy and fulfilled life that won't want even a bit of indepence when it comes to money. Mamma still has grandkids that she may want to give money occasionally plus at that age they derive joy in helping people, so it seems Mamma is clueless about her need to do the above things? sadly, Mamma's Stockholm syndrome has gone unnoticed for decades

The mistake you youngsters keep making is thinking that one shoe fits all in every marriage. It is simply not true. There are so many variables and confounders that are unique to us all that it makes no sense to adopt a single strategy hoping that since the magic happened to couple A, it will definitely work for me. Don't be naive.


Take for instance the story the op just painted, the woman that he wants every other woman in the planet to emulate her financial dexterity is not only aged but has kids that are adults and perhaps financially stable. At that stage in her life, do we really expect her to view money as her primary concern? What exactly is she going to do with it? Buy human hair, more clothes, travel alone, what? For all you know, what she gets from her kids, hubby and maybe side businesses may be far more than the money picked up during the ceremony. The husband or the kids may have organized the anniversary, so what more does she need the extra money for? Let's apply some wisdom please.

Now, let's work with a couple of variables/confounders.

Second scenario: Assuming this were to be a young struggling family with the mother sharing the same responsibility as the man to keep the family afloat, if the entire money had been given to her or perhaps just half of it, is that so shocking? Does that make her a terrible person?

Third scenario: Elderly couple with grown up kids but dad an invalid or not quite there in body and spirit. If the entire money is to be given to the mom to manage, is that also a taboo because the man was sidelined?

3 different scenarios with 3 different approaches, all seeming valid.

My take on a successful marriage is understanding and tolerance of your partner's strengths and weaknesses. Just like our DNA and fingerprints are different, so are our personalities. Simply put, we are not all cut from the same cloth.

On that note, it is my hope and prayer that we learn to apply some tact and the skill to seive out just what we need from the mountain of marital advices that we are bombarded with everyday

Ladycewhy:
lawd this creacked me up ,poko my sister no wonder women dey quick old ,chai see load . Women dey try sha!, Imagine carrying 99% of the load as the op stated ,while oga carried 1% why she nor go quick old

I no sure say people wey get sense and CONSCIENCE for Naija reach 17 currently. How does someone think it is VIRTUOUS for a woman to do 99% of the work in a marriage.

You wan kill am?? ?!!!

Even motor wey Mercedes produce dey get TORQUE. No go do pass yourself, come spoil your transmission na.

travelland:
Mamma is suffering from Stockholm syndrome. There's no sane woman, living a happy and fulfilled life that won't want even a bit of indepence when it comes to money. Mamma still has grandkids that she may want to give money occasionally plus at that age they derive joy in helping people, so it seems Mamma is clueless about her need to do the above things? sadly, Mamma's Stockholm syndrome has gone unnoticed for decades

Something is really wrong somewhere........at what age are you expecting grandma to be giving money to her grand kids ?

Even if grandparents are mandated to still be catering for their third generation....does it exclude the grandpa ? Must they compete about who gave the bigger amount ?

JayPeeOham:



There is a manual Bro, and that's the Bible!!!


Wife: submit to your husband!!!
Husband: Love your wife!!!

These two ingredients summarizes everything a marriage needs to survive.

End of discussion.

That instruction addresses the key weaknesses in both genders.

A woman tends to get familiar, forgetting that marriage is a divine institution and each has their office. Oga Na Oga. Even if Na your friend. Submit. Simple.

The man tends to hold grudges and get bitter. So God says love your wife (that is, forgive always. Love is nothing without forgiveness).

He says be not bitter against them (meaning they will offend you a lot). Rather, DWELL WITH THEM ACCORDING TO KNOWLEDGE.

Yoruba call it “Mowa foniwa”

There is no solution or tonic to marriage outside this.

nextlevel2020:
I am a single and I am at my late 30s, but when issue of marriage arises my heart always beat. I am privilege to have good job with 6 digits salary and I own my house, but the greatest fear I am facing is what I experience from my colleagues marriages on daily basis couple with my jungle life to the stardom. To cut my story brief, I will talk about my colleague who is also my closest friend's marriage to illustrate my fear for taking the bold step. This my friend married a pretty young lady and they started life together from scratch and they were blessed with two kids. Few years later, they built their home in one remote area and they began to live there without any neighbor. The first day I visited them, I have nothing but to praise the woman for developing such audacity to live alone whenever my friend leave for work. As time goes on, my friend decided to allow his wife to enroll for her degree program in order to better their future and the life of their two kids. When the woman finished the program, she said that she is done with the marriage and that was the end. Pastors from their church, family members and friends did everything to find out what went wrong but all efforts to get things to normalcy proved abortive. Few months later, Lawyer brought divorce letter and that was the end.

One thing I learned from their marriage is that, for a couple to live together till death puts them apart, there must be effective communication and determination to sustain the union. Till today, my friend could not say this was what went wrong in his marriage and the woman also muted till she sent divorce letter.

About my jungle life. I want to say a little about myself and I do hope that the good people in this platform can advise me to kill the fear I have for marriage.
I am from a very humble background and none of my parents has formal education. I began primary school when I was closed to fourteen, I was able to foster myself from primary to tertiary institution with the help of farming activities and site jobs. These periods, I encountered several humiliations that I can't share all. The girl I was dating then, said to me open that I should go and look for my wife elsewhere because she could not see any traces of survival from me and she left me for someone else. Five months later, I got an appointment with multinational firm and God has been faithful in all aspects of my life. I have traveled to Europe and some Africa countries too but the phobia of who will make me happy and will not abscond from my life like my friend's wife is the greatest concern am facing at the moment.

Expect anything anytime while you are living on this planet earth. It could be good thing or bad thing most especially when dealing with women, they have very unstable heart.

Don't be scared

I can boldly tell you that my mum is the that woman-type.

Since I was little and grew with my parents all my life I've never heard my mum exchange words with my dad not even once, my dad nags a lot with hot temper yet she knows how to follow him and calm his nerves down

But today feminists are everywhere and wouldn't allow someone to hear word. The best way to handle a feminist as a wife, gf or a female friend is to start ignoring her

kazyhm:


Something is really wrong somewhere........at what age are you expecting grandma to be giving money to her grand kids ?

Even if grandparents are mandated to still be catering for their third generation....does it exclude the grandpa ? Must they compete about who gave the bigger amount ?

She's doing it out of love and not necessity. If you have been around such age groups you will understand that they easily spoil kids unlike how they brought up their own. No woman, living free of intimidation will hand over her own share like that when she's no longer working. There's something wrong in that marriage, I'm sure of it.

Femsyn:
To buttress the OP's views...

I read this story and i laughed... i laughed hard because marriage is complex and is often more that what meets the eye.

Do you know the couple's story? They alone, know why they act in the manner they do. Look! how a woman or wife react in marriage is borne more of the input of the husband. What you see is what you get.

Let me ask you a question? Do you think the woman would've reacted the same way, if the man is often of the habit of squandering family cash on irrelevant things, stays away from the house with girlfriends, ignores the wife, does not carry the wife along in major decisions and does not take care of the home?

Young men, don't read hastily. The man the OP depicted up there is a responsible man. Most women align with their husbands easily, when the man is doing the needful.

The man has done enough for the reward you saw for few moments. Men, that reward doesn't come automatically. You work for it!!!

My response is not for the OP, because s/he has done justice with the points given thereafter. My response is for men who might read hastily, and assume the wife's behaviour is follow-come.

Take these kisses.
You are right on point.

vincentjk:
I can boldly tell you that my mum is the that woman-type

Since I was little and grew with my parents all my life I've never heard my mum exchange words with my dad not even once, my dad nags a lot with hot temper yet she knows how to follow him and calm his nerves down

But today feminists are everywhere and wouldn't allow someone to hear word. The best way to handle a feminist as a wife, gf or a female friend is to start ignoring her

Your mum's pain is stored in her heart, from keeping silent over issues that she wished she can express herself. It's her daughter in law that she will unleash everything on