₦airaland Forum

crackkhaus:
First of all, there's no such thing as make your own culture, it's not fashion.
If it were that easy, you would have designed your own language, traditional dress codes, and festivals, observed only by you, your family, and generations unborn.

I like where you typed you pick what you like because that my friend, already exposes you as someone who is picking and choosing, which is exactly where Nigerians have a problem.
Culture is not technology, you don't improve on it by creating new models out of it to suit your specifications, it's not hardware.

It's more like a human body (for lack of a better description), interconnected and working together with different moving parts. That you simply don't like one part and want it removed has not solved your problem.
Culture being organic means that the moment you start having problems with some parts of it, you only try to fix it, not cut it out because you don't like it. The best you can do however if it gets to the point of cutting it out is to have the fault replaced - if it's the heart, you replace it with another heart, not a liver, it must be a heart.

And therein still lies the problem, because what exactly are you replacing it with?
Many of the cultural behaviours and social etiquettes that people like you have come to refer to as improvement are actually the culture of other peoples which you have had the opportunity to observe and found better. But why do you think it's better really? Has it been proven to be better or is it just because white people act that way, therefore it must be better.

If you were living in a country like North Korea that is completely insulated from all western influence culturally, musically, artistically, etc.. or China which is partially insulated, do you think you be making that choice about choosing what you like about your culture or what you don't like?

Even if you succeed in altering and remodelling certain aspects of your Yoruba culture and your nuclear family acts according to this new improved version, what about the rest of society? Are you going to force everyone else to start acting like you and your family or will you just avoid everyone and everything else by living on an island so that your children will not get infected by the same thing you have tried to remove from their cultural system?

Like I noted in my first comment, it's not that simple.

healthserve:
If paying bride price means buying a woman and that her family is putting her up for sale, then a female child is useless from birth and should not be trained atall. Smh. Enough ofnthis destroying females to prove a point. Men who can't see a womna as deserving of fiar human rretament can get a sex doll. Afterall, a sex doll also has a vagina

GboyegaD:
Culture was defined by some folks. Make your own culture. I tell everyone around me, I am a Nigerian and that is it. I claim Lagos where my dad is from, Benin where my mom is from, and Bayelsa where I chose to fall in love with and be from. I pick what I like and act the way in my best interest and that of my family. I tell everyone who cares to listen, there are things I wouldn't do and that my children wouldn't do because it is forbidden to me.

GboyegaD:
I do not plan to replace culture and I do not intend forcing my generation to pickup after me. I will try to guide them right by ensuring I live by what is right which in its terms are relative and would allow them imbibe the things they like provided it is not hitting the next person just the way I was allowed.

crackkhaus:
Okay then, your aim is not to solve any cultural problem, but just to act as you want.
You should have made this clear from the onset.

crackkhaus:
Oga, then create a movement to end the process of women being purchased like chattel.
It's for their own good.

If you want to get rid of a tree, try getting at it from the stump and not from the branches.

What you should be asking yourself is how do westerners contract marriage?
Then next you ask yourself, why was it so easy to create an equal standing among western couples?

Start from there and work it up.

crackkhaus:
That is exactly where I'm heading.

The man has been given a special status just by his purchasing power no matter how little you may feel it was. As a result, every thing that will happen in and around the marriage thereafter, will always be skewed to favour him and his choices.

It's quite simple to understand really if one begins the process of cultural dissection.

Mizwisdom:
Let me remind you that in many tribes and traditional settings , women were productive. The concept of house wife is an adopted foreign because you had to work even as a woman. Man made laws is the reason for male privilege not necessarily financial status. Afterall some Fathers have been known to give out their daughters to impoverished men and women are still required to submit to his authority.

healthserve:
You have oil on your head. Abeg. Preach. You're preaching

healthserve:
Interesting synopsis but there's conflictions of ideas in between. Given the man being a special visotor and treated as such royalty when he visits his wife's family and that he remains independent and an entity of his own, and that a man's wife " joins into him in his own estate", if we applying the same exact treatment to a man's wife, should she not be treated much dignified, as Queen and as significant part of the Royalty she married into....

... Atleast what's good for the goose should be for the counterpart. Husband visits wife's family he's treated with royalty, wife's treats husband's family, she's like a party-crasher. Shall we turn aside from such Instability?


And to bring the issue of brideprice " as financial requests " because a man takes a woman as wife is not right. While our ladies may be seen and treated as " the other party " , I'm sure we don't want to see our won future daughters treated with the same considerations... Brideprice doesn't and can never equate the love, care, nurtuting a family gives its own.... Let's bring this closer home as we have sisters.


Let's continue down the line following the narrative of what men are to do and what women are not or by some theological reasons are limited to doing... Now, are these determined by the man, woman, culture,traditon or human behavior? It's to me, unwelcoming when we drag issues and hinge them on cultures and traditions, which in the real sense of things could be viewed from "humanistic angle" devoid of subterfuge of any kinds to as usual " gain the upper hand" Given the rationality of fairness in normal human relations, i choose to say samewhere friendships aren't dictated to by culture and traditions,so should marital unions as most " perceived laws ", are men-created and are imeperfect and with unbiased perceptions of anykind shouldn't make a wife an object of servitude. It's wrong. We'll have daughters


I don't stand for/with men/women only.

I rep " healthy relationships"


UNDER OUR SO-CALLED CULTURAL CONSTRUCT IDEOLOGIES OF WHAT A WOMAN'S PLACE SHOULD BE, MANY WOMEN HAVE DIED IN MARRIAGES, YOU SEE MANY, THEY LOOK LIKE AND ARE TREATED LIKE SLAVES.NO GLOW OF MARRIAGE UPON LOOKING AT THEM. ONE LOOKS AT THEM IT FEELS LIKE THEY'RE ONA LEASH WITH THE OUTLOOK ON THEIR FACES. HOW WOULD MANY LADIES DESIRE MARRIAGES WITH ALL THESE TOXICITIES?

Mizwisdom:
Let me remind you that in many tribes and traditional settings , women were productive. The concept of house wife is an adopted foreign because you had to work even as a woman. Man made laws is the reason for male privilege not necessarily financial status. Afterall some Fathers have been known to give out their daughters to impoverished men and women are still required to submit to his authority.

Mizwisdom:
Big bruh thanks, I like your stance on this issue it shows your knowledge and maturity, keep it up

healthserve:
Dude get your fvcked up negative energy off of my mentions and leave my interpretations of my information apssed across to myself. If you want a female slave to service your pervasive needs without any right of being, feel free to find yourself one. I'm not the reason behind your issues, neither can it be blamed on single ladies

healthserve:
So our humanism has reduced to issues of politicsl correctness


Dude as for your speaking to me as from an exalted tower telling me to go educate myself.. You made me laugh. I choose to let that slide maturely.. ( I blame it on cheap data )


One quick question i have for tou is to show me where i reduced the subject matter to issues of equality, gender roles and all what nots, if you can, then i know you understood what you read.

healthserve:
All the males around me know say i nor dey take this kind matter play. Even when dem drink ogogoro, if dem wan misbehave, wheb dem see me, their eyes dey clear. I have atleast five girls in my hands and I can't let them flql into the hands of sons some type of men here produce. I've seen bad women, yes we all have, but to form it into a song to deride the female is not what I'll subscribe to. I believe in authority and submission even like you quoted womeb woth resources can marry men without resources and they both build up, its because there's love. Not all the antics of poor men who would use the slightest of chances to deride the womenfolk like thier lives depend on it.

Yes it goes both ways, I've come across really nasty lqdies too, but we musnt yse our experiences to defines issues never. The last i dated was, make we no go there. The summary is if we learb to love and cleave as the Bible demands of the instituition, all these things would not be necessary

ericsmith:
By "humanism" what exactly are you even talking about ... did you see our grandmothers married to our forefathers with chains around there neck or you saw stripes of whips on there bare back or what exactly is the fuss all about.
You undermine your argue or shuld i say view the moment you typed "slavery" we can't discuss slavery without talking of equality & fairness ... we can't talk fairness without analysing gender role. hope you understand now.
lol !! i knew you will misquote me, d only form of knowledge you know is education, am not talking about that so don't feel insulted, i actual meant seek knowledge that will make you understand life from creation point of view and not the educational of view you're showcasing.
Even if i want to argue my data is not cheap i use glo God wil answer my prayer soon.

pansophist:
A thread you need to read.

A married woman will go to her parents home with her husband for a short visit, after exchanging pleasantries and make him feel comfortable, everyone will be scanning around to see if their daughter is suffering or hit a jackpot of a man. Because he is the husband, he is expected to be a workhorse, as his presence represents money. Their lucky daughter. 

As the scorching sun descends on the congregation in the parlor, everyone looks at him (their daughter's husband) to bring out money to buy petrol for the generator, as the bride's younger sister suggested. From his peripheral vision, he can see the emerging looks from all angles, and he knows that he has to bring out money for fuel, or else, he would be labeled all kinds of derogatory names, and his manliness questioned if he can actually be a good husband to their daughter. 

Their daughter and her kids (if any) will be scrutinized to see there is any trace of suffering or hardship. If her clothes are top-notch, if they came with their own car or Danfo/Okada (public transport), their daughter will be accosted with prying questions that reveal the financial sophistication of her husband. If it happens that he is not doing well (in spite of the economical hardship ever-present), he will be faced with micro-aggressions, belittling remarks, with the artificial respect they have for him melts gradually. 

No one will give him any ''human treatment'', that is, to be understanding of his present challenges, his past good deeds, the beauty of his heart and what good father/husband he is, after all, who is he? Is he different from Uche that brought a car for his wife and open a shop for his inlaws? He is even sponsoring all his wife's siblings in the university. They will start beefing him, lose all respect and may become hostile to him. His inlaws will start grumbling and may even become outright rude to him. They will hold a meeting with their daughter-in-law. His masculinity questioned, and clarification needed if she is not suffering in his house. Is she is well-taken cared of, and may even express regret that their beautiful daughter ended up with such an unfortunate of a man. 

She will not be asked why she is not working, or of what assistance and contributions she is bringing into the relationship. He will leave his inlaw home sad, physically and emotionally drained. He will feel not man enough, and what ought to have been a short visit of merriment ended up being a visit of hard labor filled with misery, tears, and regret. My annoyance is that this inlaws from hell are searching for a problem where there is none, with their irrational and unrealistic expectations and standards that they can't fulfill themselves, but expect others to fulfill for them. They have turned relationship/marriage as a poverty alleviation program, a source of income, without acknowledging the shared humanity of the groom. It is only women who with their insatiable need, may potentially destroy the peaceful marriage of their daughter. 

Even though they vehemently express their hatred for patriarchial institutions, they still expect men to fulfill patriarchial responsibilities such as being the sole provider of the household, their actions and words are totally different, and the lack of self-awareness, cognitive dissonance, and an inability for retrospections makes them unrepentant gatekeepers of patriarchy. Cant a man visit his inlaws and be treated specially for few days without always expecting him to fulfill the role of a cash machine? Take it or leave it, most married men will rather spend holidays with their own families than inlaws, because of the above reasons.

pansophist:
A thread you need to read.

A married woman will go to her parents home with her husband for a short visit, after exchanging pleasantries and make him feel comfortable, everyone will be scanning around to see if their daughter is suffering or hit a jackpot of a man. Because he is the husband, he is expected to be a workhorse, as his presence represents money. Their lucky daughter. 

As the scorching sun descends on the congregation in the parlor, everyone looks at him (their daughter's husband) to bring out money to buy petrol for the generator, as the bride's younger sister suggested. From his peripheral vision, he can see the emerging looks from all angles, and he knows that he has to bring out money for fuel, or else, he would be labeled all kinds of derogatory names, and his manliness questioned if he can actually be a good husband to their daughter. 

Their daughter and her kids (if any) will be scrutinized to see there is any trace of suffering or hardship. If her clothes are top-notch, if they came with their own car or Danfo/Okada (public transport), their daughter will be accosted with prying questions that reveal the financial sophistication of her husband. If it happens that he is not doing well (in spite of the economical hardship ever-present), he will be faced with micro-aggressions, belittling remarks, with the artificial respect they have for him melts gradually. 

No one will give him any ''human treatment'', that is, to be understanding of his present challenges, his past good deeds, the beauty of his heart and what good father/husband he is, after all, who is he? Is he different from Uche that brought a car for his wife and open a shop for his inlaws? He is even sponsoring all his wife's siblings in the university. They will start beefing him, lose all respect and may become hostile to him. His inlaws will start grumbling and may even become outright rude to him. They will hold a meeting with their daughter-in-law. His masculinity questioned, and clarification needed if she is not suffering in his house. Is she is well-taken cared of, and may even express regret that their beautiful daughter ended up with such an unfortunate of a man. 

She will not be asked why she is not working, or of what assistance and contributions she is bringing into the relationship. He will leave his inlaw home sad, physically and emotionally drained. He will feel not man enough, and what ought to have been a short visit of merriment ended up being a visit of hard labor filled with misery, tears, and regret. My annoyance is that this inlaws from hell are searching for a problem where there is none, with their irrational and unrealistic expectations and standards that they can't fulfill themselves, but expect others to fulfill for them. They have turned relationship/marriage as a poverty alleviation program, a source of income, without acknowledging the shared humanity of the groom. It is only women who with their insatiable need, may potentially destroy the peaceful marriage of their daughter. 

Even though they vehemently express their hatred for patriarchial institutions, they still expect men to fulfill patriarchial responsibilities such as being the sole provider of the household, their actions and words are totally different, and the lack of self-awareness, cognitive dissonance, and an inability for retrospections makes them unrepentant gatekeepers of patriarchy. Cant a man visit his inlaws and be treated specially for few days without always expecting him to fulfill the role of a cash machine? Take it or leave it, most married men will rather spend holidays with their own families than inlaws, because of the above reasons.

GboyegaD:
She shouldn't cling to another family, I think our culture makes it seem so. She should cling to her husband and vice versa. Marriage is about the man and his wife and not the man and us or the woman and us.

GboyegaD:
Culture was defined by some folks. Make your own culture. I tell everyone around me, I am a Nigerian and that is it. I claim Lagos where my dad is from, Benin where my mom is from, and Bayelsa where I chose to fall in love with and be from. I pick what I like and act the way in my best interest and that of my family. I tell everyone who cares to listen, there are things I wouldn't do and that my children wouldn't do because it is forbidden to me.

healthserve:
Dude. You're excused. I won't bother reading.

Plead:
I see some guys/men up there talking about bride price and women being purchased. I have only four things to tell them ;
1. Bride price culture was started by men not women
2. It’s men who still collect /request for the bride price not women
3. Whenever the topic of abolishing bride price and marriage list comes up it’s men who still defend it and insult those who want them abolished
4. The culture is still around because of men.


So,if you wanna be ranting about purchased goods you should be throwing those words at your fellow men who are the enablers of the bride price culture.

As for me,no man is paying bride price shit on my daughter and same goes for marriage list. It should start from you.



Cc crackhaus crakkhaus abi crackkhaus mizwisdom acidosis and the others

bukatyne:
Maybe you are taking of a specific family.

Which yeye in-law would wait for the husband to buy fuel?

bukatyne:
Funny thread.

First, these things are really dependent on the husband.

I know women who take their helps with then when going for any family function. Some others lodge in hotels and visit their in-laws from the hotels.

Some other in-laws have enough kids to run around that you can really up your feet up.

Each woman should be smart enough to have systems that work for her per family.

And any woman who is cool with our culture should better not complain

crackkhaus:
[s] Another one of those 'woke' people who feel they are making sense with their shallow analysis of these things.

Cultural expectations/behaviours which are based on gender, do not prove in anyway that women are being demeaned.
These things are not that simple.

Do you expect a man who went through the process & rigours of acquiring a wife, to visit his in-laws whom he paid homage to by granting their financial requests before they gave him their daughter, to be treated any less than a special visitor?
He did not marry into that family, does not bear their name, and is not a part of it culturally...so he remains a special visitor.

It's the opposite situation for a woman, simply because she is the one who was married into another family, bears that new family's name, and is part & parcel of it in every way possible. There's no way she will visit her in-laws and be given the treatment of a special visitor when by all cultural and traditional indices, she is a member of that family.
Even a married man visiting his own parents does not sit and cross legs because that is his own family, and he is not a special visitor. The only place he is treated that way is when he is among his wife's people.


People like that guy who see only the problems and imbalance in gender-based cultural expectations, fail to understand that it goes much deeper than what men are allowed to do versus what women are allowed to do. It's not that simple.

If you want to act western where all hands are on deck, then start by dismantling the cultural system by which marriages are conducted wherein women are the price and men the bidders. Once you do that, every other thing will fall into place.
But as long as marriage by purchase continues to exist, cultural expectations/behaviours will continue to favour men...even until the year 3020.[/s]

UyaiIncomparabl:
.

crackkhaus:
https://www.reactiongifs.com/r/abwha1.gif

Acidosis:
Well, if it makes sense for a woman and a man to abandon/dump their families, then everything else can make sense.