Good evening ladies and gents...

My name is Paul, I am married to my beautiful wife Vivian by name for the past 16 years . We have 5 wonderful children together Jemima 15, Isaac 12, Elizabeth 9, Samuel 6 and Tabitha 3. We are based in Liberia. We both are working and earning well by God grace. I have few issues with my wife that brought me here to get some advice.

Anytime my wife and I had some misunderstanding, she does involve the children. The oldest 3 she tells them everything including how I cheated on her, she also feed them with lies that I am a bad man and I want to kills her. She tells them so many things to make them hate me. They will disrespect and keeping malice with me to the extend of if I send them for errands, she will stop them and tell them not to go. No matter how much I shouted at them to go, they will not obey me because their mother has the final say. For example my wife and I are having some misunderstandings for over 3 weeks now, we are not talking or sleeping in the same room. I have tried to makes things works for us but she refused.

The children are also keeping malice with me. I sent Elizabeth to go and get some water for me, she obeyed and went to the kitchen, few moments later she came back empty handed staring at me in shock. I asked her what about the water she said her mother said I should go in the kitchen to get the water myself . At that moment I just couldn’t take it anymore I exploded in anger I went to the kitchen we had a heated arguments she pour water on me I really wanted to hit her so hard but I control my anger and walked away.

I left the house for 3 days to cool down. because I was so angry with her I just wanted to be alone. I then went home after 3 days,my 3 oldest children acted like they hadn’t seen me they were busy with their phone/ tablets and it was only my 2 youngest that were missing me they both hugged me like never before me. My youngest daughter refuse to leave my room she even slept in my room. I could see how much she misses me. My wife on her side acted like nothing too her normal behaviour as usual . For the sake of my 2 youngest children I sat her down and talked with her. How we should makes things better for the sake of our children especially the younger ones.

I have apologized to her on my knees all to no avail. I am tired of my wife turning my children against me they have becoming out of control ... I can’t correct them it pains me a lot to see my own children disrespecting me. I don’t want them to grow up and hate me all their life I want to have my family back. A happy home how we used to be before but my wife don’t want to cooperate with me I thought this lock-down will bring us together so we could sorted out our differences and fix our marriage to become better but all to no avail.

I am writing this sitting inside my car in the compound because I can’t even go inside the house because I have nobody to talk to my 2 youngest children that keeps me busy are asleep. I am so lonely all alone please how can I put an end to all this I am fed up ...

Anyone who has ever experienced something like this can you please advice me on how did you overcome this. I hope I was brief enough...

If u did pay her Bride price , do contact her family members and yours

If u wedded her do contact your wedding parents or the Reverend

Let someone come between , a sensible person

Involve someone

She has a lot to say , involve someone that can make her speak out

The main issue that may make your wife disrespect you is your lack of money. If you are the breadwinner, it cannot be this bad.

D'fvq did I just read? Like, you'll send your kids on an errand, your wife will stop them and you won't do anything?

Like, you don't flog your kids?
You fvckin claiming Western pattern of raising kids by being a simp to them all to be tagged a modern dad?
You gotta be a typical African dad asap!

Bruv, the first thing you need to do now is to make them to be scared of you. Very necessary at this point.

Next time you send any of them message and he/she refuses because of your wife, flog the hell out of that one, if your wife tries to misbehave, flog her too with well-deserved uppercut and smackdown. If possible, stop eating her food because she's capable of doing something unexpected with what you eat.

They'll become scared of your recent behavior and adjust. Strict dads keep the best, calm and organized home.

What next? Your wife will try to manipulate them by using your new attitude towards them. Keep being strict towards them and still do your fatherly works towards them.

Trust me, you need to go very hard right now since your soft ways ain't working.

Mothers manipulations towards their kids against their dad can only function when they are tender, when they grow, they MUST know the truth and the mum will be at the loosing end.

If you don't have the mind to do what I've advised--Divorce your wife. You can't keep housing a demon who's quick to use your kids against you because she's closer to them.

The foundation is faulty..15 years? How come sudden change? its means and shows that you are not that friendly to your children from onset, yes! I know kids of nowadays, you can play with their intellect, even if are taking them out, bringing only happy hour for them, they will never behave like that. Only God knows maybe your wife is too depressed, she is lonely and frustrated. Your family lacks good and friendly communication from the beginning.

It takes the grace of God to amend things back to normal. Keep begging her and the children, its not a easy as that also be praying for them.

Oga, stop blaming your wife. You played a part.

I am sure your children didn't just wake up one day and started disrespecting you. C'mon, you must have noticed subtle changes in their behaviour, little by little deteriorating.

So tell us why you didn't strike sooner?

What was so important to you that you choose to neglect and hand over your parental duty to your manipulative wife?

Bola146:
It means and shows that you are not that friendly to your children, yes! I know kids of nowadays, you can play with their intellect, even if are taking them out, bringing only happy hour for them, they will never behave like that. Only God knows maybe your wife is too depressed, she is lonely and frustrated. Your family lacks good and friendly communication.

He needs solution madam , not blaming !


These kids at their age , their mum has an upper to turn their heads if she wants

Advice him , not blame

majamajic:


He needs solution madam , not blaming !

These kids at their age , the mum has an upper to turn their heads if she wants
Advice him , not blame

Why not be honest for once Mr counselor, kindly advise them

Av prayed abt it? women like their pastors, so av u involved ur pastor? nd try see a counsellor

Wow!!!... Sir if you don't do something about this, your children won't only disrespect you but your wife as they grow up and may go astray, from your comments you're not so innocent too (cheating and whatever the case may be) your wife on the other hand needs to be counselled cos she's spoiling her kids thinking she's getting back at you...if you can find it in your heart forgive her, show her more love and make her happy...if that doesn't work, talk to her people (parents or who ever she respects).. God help you with your decisions and bless your home Sir..

You might have to involve a third party here.You need to talk to someone she respects .....your pastor or an elder relative.

You should have handled this better while the children were still very young.It's not too late though.

.

Paul8000:
Good evening ladies and gents... my name is Paul ... I am married to my beautiful wife vivian by name for the past 16 years ... we have 5 wonderful children together ... Jemima 15... Isaac 12... Elizabeth 9... Samuel 6 and Tabitha 3... we are based in Liberia ... We both are working and earning well by God grace... I have few issues with my wife that brought me here to get some advices... anytime my wife and I had some misunderstanding... she does involve the children ... ... the oldest 3 she tells them everything including how I cheated on her ... she also feed them with lies that I am a bad man ... I want to kills her... she tells them so many things to make them hates me... they will disrespect and keeping malice with me to the extend of if I send them for errands ... she will stopped them and tells them not to go... no matter how much I shouted at them to go ... they will not obey me because their mother has the final say. For example my wife and I are having some misunderstandings for over 3 weeks now... we are not talking or sleeping in the same room ... I have tried to makes things works for us but she refused ... the children are also keeping malice with me ... I sent Elizabeth to go and get some water for me ... she obeyed and went to the kitchen .. few moments later she came back emptied handed staring at me in shock ... I asked her what about the water ... she said her mother said I should go in the kitchen to get the water myself ... at that moment I just couldn’t take it anymore .. I exploded in anger ... I went to the kitchen we had a heated arguments... she pour water on me ... I really wanted to hit her so hard but I control my anger ... and walked away... I left the house for 3 days to cool down... because I was so angry with her ... I just wanted to be a lone ... i then went home after 3 days ... my 3 oldest children acted like they hadn’t seen me ... they were busy with their phone/ tablets and it was only my 2 youngest that were missing me ... they both hugged me like never before me ... my youngest daughter refuse to leave my room she even slept in my room... I could see how much she misses me... my wife on her side acted like nothing too.. her normal behaviour as usual ... for the sake of my 2 youngest children I sit her down and talked with her ... how we should makes things better for the sake of our children especially the younger ones... I have apologized to her on my knees... all to no avail... I am tired of my wife turning my children against me ... they have become out of control ... I can’t correct them ... it pains me a lot to see my own children disrespecting me ... I don’t want them to grown up and hate me all their life ... I want to have my family back ... a happy home how we used to be before ... but my wife don’t want to cooperate with me ... I taught this lockdown will bring us together so we could sorted out our differences and fix our marriage to become better ... but all to no avail... I am writing this sitting inside my car in the compound because I can’t even go inside the house because I have nobody to talk to... my 2 youngest children that keeps me busy are asleep ... I am so lonely all alone ... please how can I put an end to all this ... I am fed up ... anyone who has ever experienced something like this can you please advice me on how did you overcome this. I hope I was brief enough...

Travel unannounced, for months.

Change your number.

Work, do odd jobs if you must but come back only when she is broken and begging and crying and desperate.... Ensure she begs on phone and each of the children beg and apologize. Do not return unless you are far richer, looking better.


Then travel again just before they get used to you.


She will learn what I have learned, that your potential is unlimited and she is not responsible enough to hold you down. So it will make her humble.

@Paul8000:

There are two issues:

1. You do not have a good relationship with your wife

2. You do not have a good relationship with your kids: you were not involved in their upbringing. The last two like you because they are young and unaware of their surroundings. As soon as their mom can influence them, you will lose them also.

A. First, you address the kids individually as follows:
1. Engage them as adults. Tell them you love them, care for them etc. and as their father, they have to respect and obey you in return. If your life is a reflection of your religion, you should make a parallel between you as a father and God/Allah as our father.

2. Tell them that you are not perfect and would have tussle with their mother however, it is not in their place to support their mother (except you are endangering her life) and they should always respect you.

3. Understand their peculiar challenges and address them.

B. Engage your wife and allow her air any grievance she has. You mentioned she told the kids you cheated, did you?
Address the grievance one after the other and also tell her your own grievance.

Thereafter, tell her that you both MUST have a joint agreement on discipline and training for the kids. If she has any reservations on what you do, she should address it with you in private. Ditto you too. Tell her to also stop discussing your shortcomings with the kids. She should address you, in private.

Then you gather your family together and address them. Lay down ground rules and create family bonding times through meals and prayers.

You also need to live a life of example and honor to your kids especially.

It is very shameful for you the husband of the home to be sitting cowardly in the car because you have a bitter wife (which may be your doing) and unruly children.

I have two threads: one on fatherhood and another on husbandhood.

Goodluck Mr. Paul

Sir, I commend you for voicing out. It’s take a great courage to to so sir. Respect to you .
I have read and I so much understand your story and I will go straight to the point here. Sir, this situation you going through won’t end well either for you or her for you are already loosing it and you’ve been affected mentally, emotionally and it’s really dangerous for you. I will advice you at the moment to take a bold step of or reclaiming back your House in the hard way sir. Either you send her to spend sometime with her parents and which ever of your child chooses to leave with her, let them go and cut every funding channeled to them. OR, you move out for interval of 3-5 months and take the 2 youngest kids with you and get them a care giver . As for your wife, cut the funding and if after 3-5months she didn’t get to her right senses, sir move ahead. You deserve the best in life .

Not to blame you but you failed ab initio to instill discipline and mutual respect in your home. See, dem no born any of my children, including my wife, to disrespect me. I will address it instanta!

See, if you condole a bad behavior it becomes a tradition. You need to be fully in charge of your home; financial, emotionally,physically and otherwise. Don't allow a bad behavior slip without being corrected and addressed. You cheated on wife, wrong! But you've apologized and shown genuine repentance. She should move on. Why torment you emotionally?

Oga, you need to be man enough and be in charge. Talk to the kids and let them know your side of the story since your wife had turned your bedroom quarrels into dinning table discussion. Open up to your kids too. Let them know you're not evil as portrailed.

Again, on no account should you send your kids on errands and they will refuse. Everybody should be taking instructions from you. That's why you're the father. If they refuse to run errands panel beat sense into that one. Africa is a jungle and there's no gentleman sir. We fight for everything here.

There's something you aren't telling us. Is it just cheating that made your wife like this or there's more? I feel you have really hurt that woman somehow even though your story doesn't seem complete

The deliberate bad grammar gives away the fakeness of the story

We shall see

DominusPrime:
There's something you aren't telling us. Is it just cheating that made your wife like this or there's more? I feel you have really hurt that woman somehow even though your story doesn't seem complete

Thank you! Even if his wife is wicked, his children can't be so foolish to listen or follow their father's instructions. Something is fishy

DominusPrime:
There's something you aren't telling us. Is it just cheating that made your wife like this or there's more? I feel you have really hurt that woman somehow even though your story doesn't seem complete

'Just cheating'

Wow!

DominusPrime:
There's something you aren't telling us. Is it just cheating that made your wife like this or there's more? I feel you have really hurt that woman somehow even though your story doesn't seem complete

Yes I have hurt my wife a lot in the past ... I have cheated on her so many times with 3 different women.... I impregnated one of them ... my son is 6 years old... I sincerely apologised to her and promised that I will never cheats on her again... she has forgiven me ... that was 6 years ago and I haven’t cheated don her since. All these misunderstandings we are having has nothing to do with me cheating.... my main problem is the way she has turned the kids against me ... anytime we are having some issues ... she keep malice with me and will tell the kids to do the same thing... and when things get back to normal again... she will tell them to start talking with me...

UjuJoan2:


'Just cheating'

Wow!

Don't get me wrong dear. Cheating is bad and I don't mean to trivialise cheating in any way. It is bad. I just didn't know how to express the fact that he wasnt telling us everything but he is claiming it's just cheating. Hope u get my msg now.

Everyone respects someone. Your wife must have someone that she respect. Get that person and talk with that person. Let the person call her to order.
For you, call a family meeting. Make a formal apology to your children. Start showing them love. I am teacher. I can tell you from experience that children and teenagers like to be corrected in love. It is good you didn't flog that child. Because it would have worsen your situation. You can also call your children when your wife is not at home. Play with your kids.
Lastly, Take out time to call your children one after the other and pray for them

There is need for both Marriage and Family therapy. There is so much repressed in your marriage and family, there is need to see someone who is neutral and that's a certified Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT)

The 6 years old son who is a product of one of your extra marital affairs, is a sore thumb that can't be ignored.

Let's not sugarcoat it, you contributed to turning your children against yourself as they observed your infidelity with tensions it caused in the home and the thought that you had a child with another woman is part of their resentment.

The marriage is already over Mr Paul. You're just refusing to read the handwriting on the wall.

There's nothing as viscous as a bitter/vindictive woman and no amount of begging will change her. It's only God that can fix her wicked, unforgiving heart.

Feel free to continue staying there until she stabs you one day like Maryam Sanda.

Gracealone:
The main issue that may make your wife disrespect you is your lack of money. If you are the breadwinner, it cannot be this bad.

OP clearly stated in his post that they both earn well.

While you were too busy with your concubines, fire was burning under your roof.
You weren't there for your older children when they probably needed you the most as you were busy spending your time and money with your opekes.
You better don't make the same mistake with the younger ones.
The older ones seem to have given up on you. and have learnt how not to rely on you because you've probably let them down in the past with your absence. They didnt even care you were away dead or alive for 3 whole days.
Anyway, my advice for you is to work on your children one on one.
Let them get to know you individually. Start taking your eldest child with you when you go out, and ask him/her to escort you so you get to spend individual time together. Do same for the others, and don't spend time with them all together but individually till you are able to earn their trust again before you start spending time all together.
It's a long journey, which you can still redeem yourself before your children.
Don't let them see a father that abandons his children for 3 days because he is angry at their mother, don't let them see a father that comes home drunk, don't let them see a father that puts his concubines needs above theirs.
Ask them to come directly to you if they need anything, give them pocket money weekly (yes, the older ones will have some minor needs. It doesn't have to be a lot. Even if it is 500naira for data)
Beating the older ones at this stage will only further alienate them from you, as that ship has long sailed.
Good luck as you make amends with your children. At least give it your best shot.
Unfortunately, your marriage is dead. I'm not sure if you have the energy to revive it, but if you have wronged your wife apologise and ask her what she wants. A divorce to end the misery for both of you or another go at the marriage.

It takes a conscious effort to resolve a situation like this. The bonding as a family didn't exist when the children started growing.
You need to introduce a system centred around Jesus to effectively repel this strange happenings.
Pray as a family, talk as a family, never settle issues with your wife in front of your children, correct the children together, seek a godly counsellor, know God's word, teach your children God's word and of course, have a mentor both of you are accountable to.

Do a little bit of one month separation... no contact whatsoever.. just pack a bag and rent a cheap guest house somewhere.

1. It is to clear your head. No "funny business "
2. It's to know if they were happier without u.

From there, u will figure out what to do and how to progress. U are not happy, your wife is not happy and the kids are not happy.

Just being a little scarce from them and your environment will do u and them a lot of good... and when you get back, Do not expect an open arm welcome. It is an experiment for u.. observe the atmosphere and get some feedback. From there u will figure out the next step.

But remember to tell the last two kids how much you love them before u go.. They don't understand much at this stage...

Lol. You cheated on your wife with 3 different ladies, only God knows how long each cheating lasted. The time you were meant to be close to your children, you relegated all those duties to your wife. Now, she has 100% of their audience. And you think, Those times she cried and wept in front of those kids, that they aren't aware what's going on? You think they weren't building up grudges against You? Lool
This is the wicked mistake some of you men make, leaving your wives to train the kids alone and then, when they must have grown, you think you will just manipulate them and just have your way with them that easy?
And upon that, you had a child outside with another woman. Most of these men telling you to do this or that wouldn't have taking it lightly if this story was from the opposite gender cheating and having kids outside their home.


You've not seen anything, you will see worse when the children might have grown. You will shed blood, you will have a share of the tears you caused that poor innocent woman. Her anger on you reçently is caused by accumulated grudges she had for you all these years of your cheating and maltreating.

For you to make it work, you have to prove yourself to your wife and kids. Let them sincerely see you've changed. Cos, running out of your home gave them the impression that you must have gone to see your girlfriends as usual, reason they ignored you.
Work on your family cos you've failed your wife and kids.


Btw, women, have your own money, the op is still respecting the wife cos he knows that she's capable of fending for her kids and still living her life uniterupted if anything goes South.

Paul8000:

Yes I have hurt my wife a lot in the past ... I have cheated on her so many times with 3 different women.... I impregnated one of them ... my son is 6 years old... I sincerely apologised to her and promised that I will never cheats on her again... she has forgiven me ... that was 6 years ago and I haven’t cheated don her since. All these misunderstandings we are having has nothing to do with me cheating.... my main problem is the way she has turned the kids against me ... anytime we are having some issues ... she keep malice with me and will tell the kids to do the same thing... and when things get back to normal again... she will tell them to start talking with me...

All these posting of half stories sef. My first post might not work for you: you don't have the moral standing to do so or you have to do a GREAT DEAL convincing them you have changed.

1. Why were you are chronic cheat?
2. What made you change?
3. What was the financial dynamics in your home then?
4. You say your wife is earning well: is it well enough to care for herself and the kids alone comfortably?

He who sows the wind will reap the whirlwind.

And the topic is wrong: it should be 'what can I do to win my family back?'