Hunye:


Honestly I shed so much tears while reading this. I don't even know what to do again.

Tell me, how do I love him back again cos at this point I don't have a single feeling for him. I have closed my heart of love against him.

I'm sorry if it hurt you but it is the plain truth.

With Love comes acceptance. If you can accept that he did nothing wrong, that he loves you and still loves you only then will you be able to let go and forgive the "offences" you thought he committed. Then you can revive the memories you shared, yes those memories you buried while trying to move on. Wake them back. Miss him and then apologize to him.

Taking the children might seem difficult but that's because you see them as your husband's children not your, do away with that perception. See them as your gift. Your precious gift.

In all, Acceptance is the key. Let go off the rope, accept your husband and your gift and enjoy peace. I wish you success as you fight back for your HOME.

Ariza:
I'm sorry if it hurt you but it is the plain truth.

With Love comes acceptance. If you can accept that he did nothing wrong, that he loves you and still loves you only then will you be able to let go and forgive the "offences" you thought he committed. Then you can revive the memories you shared, yes those memories you buried while trying to move on. Wake them back. Miss him and then apologize to him.

Taking the children might seem difficult but that's because you see them as your husband's children not your, do away with that perception. See them as your gift. Your precious gift.

In all, Acceptance is the key. Let go off the rope, accept your husband and your gift and enjoy peace. I wish you success as you fight back for your HOME.

You have a good point, it was what I was subtly directing her to see but don't lie to her the man never did wrong. You think it's that easy to move past it like something terrible never happened. Yes the man and his mother took some measures to show they still love and respect her but it doesn't change the fact that they hurt her deep and deliberately too. Forgiveness is what you should direct her to look into because at least they took thought of her in their scheming. She can't be lying to herself or you that she can love her hubby and the kids just like that. It will take time before things can become normal again if at all they will, she need time to decide by herself not blackmailed into believing nothing was amiss.

Uneed2talk:

You have a good point, it was what I was subtly directing her to see but don't lie to her the man never did wrong. You think it's that easy to move past it like something terrible never happened. Yes the man and his mother took some measures to show they still love and respect her but it doesn't change the fact that they hurt her deep and deliberately too. Forgiveness is what you should direct her to look into because at least they took thought of her in their scheming. She can't be lying to herself or you that she can love her hubby and the kids just like that. It will take time before things can become normal again if at all they will, she need time to decide by herself not blackmailed into believing nothing was amiss.

No one is blackmailing anyone here, I'm not her mother in law neither am I her husband. Thing is I really tried to be lenient with my words, I hate when people claim false victimhood. Yes she couldn't give her husband children YET, and he BOUGHT it elsewhere with his MONEY, yes it hurts but it could have been worse. She even had the choice to give a GO AHEAD before steps were taken, tell me how did the love she had for her husband for 10 years vanish completely at the thought of Sex and paid for Children?
See, let me just leave this without going any further. You think it is blackmail because I told her, her flaws, lol the pity party has done enough pampering. Women should learn to tell themselves the Truth more often jare.!

I don’t understand why your husband felt he needed to go outside for a baby. Was it confirmed that the problem was from you?
If yes then maybe that’s understandable. Otherwise I don’t know why the blame should be all yours and why you had to suffer him sleeping with other women because both of you couldn’t have a child.

Those saying he endured with you for 10 years are also blaming you for the childlessness. I would have felt a type of way too. The typical and classic woman-blame for anything that goes wrong in the marriage.
Since he felt the need to go outside, you could have tried your luck with another guy too. Let’s see who’s fault it is for real. Does he have a baby now?

Edited. Seen that he had a baby now. I’m still standing by my post. If he was the one with fertility problems, you won’t be given free pass to sleep with other men. You’re entitled to your feelings. Do what makes you happy. If the new man makes you happy, make sure you check all the boxes before committing to him. It also doesn’t have to be him. You’re young and you can be with anyone you want. Good luck.

sisisioge:
Sheet! Messy situation there. I'm sorry, I'm not even going to attempt to advise as the matter is beyond me. But here are some things to mull about:

1. Going back to exes isn't much of a good idea especially when the underlying issue has not been resolved. If issue persist, they then go to their old ways.

2. Marrying an emotionally jumpy man is a dicey one. He falls in love quickly and probably falls out just as fast. This might not be the case o but it is better to really take your time with people like that. They are darlings when enthralled but something else when not.

I wish you good luck darling... my sister in-law got preggers at 37yrs after 11yrs of marriage. They ironically separated, husband met someone else, cheated on the new someone with his ex wife who got preggers during the affairs. They just kukuma moved back home to each other .

Hunye:


I should go back to a man I no longer love right? Ok

and you ain't sure about the man you are about to go with... so what do you intend to do.

Jullima:

Isn’t this what spouses are to do for each other? It’s in the vows “for better for worse”

We should stop hailing people for what they’re supposed to do, you’re indirectly saying staying with an infertile spouse and honouring your vows is a strange thing.

Those vows are oudated
Let face the new reality of life.

sisisioge:


Hmmm...have you met the babies? You might actually fall head over heels with them, become really happy around them and finally get pregnant . It is well jare.

Whatever you do...dont take anything out on the babies. It is well.

No I haven't met them.

Ariza:
I'm sorry if it hurt you but it is the plain truth.

With Love comes acceptance. If you can accept that he did nothing wrong, that he loves you and still loves you only then will you be able to let go and forgive the "offences" you thought he committed. Then you can revive the memories you shared, yes those memories you buried while trying to move on. Wake them back. Miss him and then apologize to him.

Taking the children might seem difficult but that's because you see them as your husband's children not your, do away with that perception. See them as your gift. Your precious gift.

In all, Acceptance is the key. Let go off the rope, accept your husband and your gift and enjoy peace. I wish you success as you fight back for your HOME.

Why Should I be the one to appologise to him? He also did me wrong, you are trying so much to exonerate him and I feel it's not proper.
Him and his mother wanted a baby at all cost without thinking about the emotional effect it will have on me. Although I understand because he is the only surviving male in that family. His grandfather was an only son, his father an only son, him an only son and all This people are late except him, at a point I was even thinking it's a family curse not until he had those twin baby boys. But I also believe he should have waited a bit, maybe we could have save up some money and do Ivf.

But this other man is head over hills in love with me and I love him too, he proposed we will do Ivf immediately after marriage, we are not married yet, but he's been making contacts with his doctor friends discussing my medical condition with them and seeking for possible solution to my happiness.

Why is it that nobody here want me to forgive and settle with this other man why?

Gaggi:
A figment of your imagination. This will be front page bound as usual.

No I don't want this on front page. The response I've been getting so far is ok and reasonable, it will help in my final decision.

Hunye:


Why Should I be the one to appologise to him? He also did me wrong, you are trying so much to exonerate him and I feel it's not proper.
Him and his mother wanted a baby at all cost without thinking about the emotional effect it will have on me. Although I understand because he is the only surviving male in that family. His grandfather was an only son, his father an only son, him an only son and all This people are late except him, at a point I was even thinking it's a family curse not until he had those twin baby boys. But I also believe he should have waited a bit, maybe we could have save up some money and do Ivf.

But this other man is head over hills in love with me and I love him too, he proposed we will do Ivf immediately after marriage, we are not married yet, but he's been making contacts with his doctor friends discussing my medical condition with them and seeking for possible solution to my happiness.

Why is it that nobody here want me to forgive and settle with this other man why?

Move on then.
It seems your mind is already made up on whom you want to be with.
Maybe the purpose of this thread was just to unburden your heart.
Just make up your mind and get it over with.
You and your husband would be fine in the end without each other.

To me, I'd say if only you'd open up your heart to accept those children, you'd realize there's nothing much to it.
In this life, once you've decided that something is not an issue, it is not an issue.
We have the power to decide how things turn out.
In Igbo land, some women who cannot have children choose and marry wives for their husbands so that they can have children for them. I have witnessed such a situation. Believe me, it is not that big of a deal.

These days, people invest too much emotions in relationship.
Never make important decisions based on emotions.

Hunye:
I'm new to this forum though I've been a guest for over 3yrs but decided to register today so I can pour out my heart and frustration hoping I get well meaning advise from married and matured people here.
I'm 37yrs female married for over 10yrs now without a child. My husband is a nice and caring young man of 42yrs every woman will pray to have. Along the line he got tired of waiting and told me that he still loves me dearly and since we can't afford Ivf and he doesn't want to loose me, that I should permit him to get a woman pregnant aside our marriage, that he isn't going to marry another wife but that I should give him go ahead to atleast have one child outside pending when God will bless us with our own. I thought this through on my mind and gave him go ahead but ever since then the love I have for him dropped to zero, and I left him though he has been begging me to come back .

Recently I met a man online and we have been dating online he lives in a different state from me but this man has shown me what real love is all about, he is a widower of 57 yrs extremely caring and loving and Godly, Recently he proposed to me and we have discussed extensively about our past relationships . He is not rich, he earns a little less than 300k and he has grown up kids. He has told everyone about me including his friends, pastor and children.
Now to the main issue why am writing this... I just found out that after he lost his wife some years ago, he remarried last year and the marriage lasted for only six-month before it packed up, And he never told me this throughout our discussion.he hid it from me.
We were discussing over the phone and he suddenly said something which I became inquisitive and he was forced to tell me about it mistakenly.
Note this man has been so eager to marry me if not for the Lockdown we would have been done with the marriage.
I told him that same yesterday I can't continue with the relationship since he hid something as important as his marital status from me, he broke down over the phone and cried uncontrollably like a baby.

Now the issue is that my ex husband is on my neck to win me back, he said over his dead body will he grant me divorce. My heart is with this other man, but how do I forgive him and continue with him.
Pls I need mature advise

I prefer your husband to the widow. Your accepting the twins as yours may be a test of having your own kids. Your husband ment well. Most men would have thrown u out and remarried in your face. Be wise. Good and responsible men are very hard to come by and your husband falls into that category. He loves your dearly. Goodluck

Hunye:


Why Should I be the one to appologise to him? He also did me wrong, you are trying so much to exonerate him and I feel it's not proper.
Him and his mother wanted a baby at all cost without thinking about the emotional effect it will have on me. Although I understand because he is the only surviving male in that family. His grandfather was an only son, his father an only son, him an only son and all This people are late except him, at a point I was even thinking it's a family curse not until he had those twin baby boys. But I also believe he should have waited a bit, maybe we could have save up some money and do Ivf.

But this other man is head over hills in love with me and I love him too, he proposed we will do Ivf immediately after marriage, we are not married yet, but he's been making contacts with his doctor friends discussing my medical condition with them and seeking for possible solution to my happiness.

Why is it that nobody here want me to forgive and settle with this other man why?

Alright, maybe he did wrong in your own perspective. But is this wrong too great to forgive? Remember he did nothing but BOUGHT children for you. If its the sex with the other woman you abhor, Madam you have also done it with another Man to. You are even now. Just let this go., stop making everything about you please.

As for the other Man, lol Everyone sees beyond the perfect facade but you. That's why no one is encouraging you to move on with him. Like I've typed earlier he is your NEMESIS waiting to happen. The question is even if you get married to him, Do you have a future together? Don't fall for promises but act on certainty.

All said, you have the right to whatever decision you make. It's your life, I wish you success.

I'm just wondering, loving and living with someone for 10years and you can't accept his children under this circumstance despite his efforts at reconciliation. I hope the husband gets himself together and move on. From wife's comments here, decision seems to have been made. At least she can accept and love the grown up children of the twice married man she knows very well.

Mariangeles:


Move on then.
It seems your mind is already made up on whom you want to be with.
Maybe the purpose of this thread was just to unburden your heart.
Just make up your mind and get it over with.
You and your husband would be fine in the end without each other.

To me, I'd say if only you'd open up your heart to accept those children, you'd realize there's nothing much to it.
In this life, once you've decided that something is not an issue, it is not an issue.
We have the power to decide how things turn out.
In Igbo land, some women who cannot have children choose and marry wives for their husbands so that they can have children for them. I have witnessed such a situation. Believe me, it is not that big of a deal.

These days is people invest too much emotions in relationship.
Never make important decisions based on emotions.

At the emboldened, you forgot to put that in the olden days, most women don't even love their husbands and doesn't care who they have sex with. Nowadays, they go their separate ways or IVF.

Op, nobody should force you to accept a child that is not yours. Don't be blackmailed into accepting to be a nanny to your husband and his baby mama.
It is obvious that you loved him prior to this and you were pressured to agree to the dalliance which felt like a betrayal.
I'd say for the sake of your sanity, get the divorce and move on.
Unless you do not give a fvck about him or whomever he slept with anymore and also taking care of kids is your sole purpose in life then go back. You'd think your husband and his mother won't try it again and again, lol. They will because they are desperate for kids and since you have accepted the first, why not the second, third and so on.....

TheArchangel:
At the emboldened, you forgot to put in the olden days when most women don't even love their husbands and doesn't care who they have sex with. Nowadays, they go their separate ways or IVF.

Op, nobody should force you to accept a child that is not yours. Don't be blackmailed into accepting to be a nanny to your husband and his baby mama.
It is obvious that you loved him prior to this and you were pressured to agree to the dalliance which felt like a betrayal.
I'd say for the sake of your sanity, get the divorce and move on.
Unless you do not give a fvck about him or whomever he slept with anymore and also taking care of kids is your sole purpose in life then go back. You'd think your husband and his mother won't try it again and again, lol. They will because they are desperate for kids and since you have accepted the first, why not the second, third and so on.....

Thank you so much.

@Hunye, your rightful place is with your husband. Nobody can take it away unless you give it up.
Ask your husband for some time, then take all the time you need to open up your heart. It is the easiest of the options.
If he had betrayed you behind your back, it would have been different.
Believe me, life is either easy or hard, depending on how you see it.
There are times we need to make tough decisions that are favourable to us.

Also, one thing I observed from your words is that you do not even love the widower. I believe you still love your husband. Try to work things out.
Those kids are yours unless you reject them. There was an agreement, so don't let anybody make you believe they are not.

The truth about life is, not everybody will be rich, not everybody will get married, and not everybody will have children of their own.
All we can do is try our best to find solutions to what we call problems or learn to accept life as it is, live and be happy.

Hunye:


No I haven't met them.

Hunye, your situation is a dicey one and I cannot even begin to understand how you feel. Your emotions are your emotions and I know you feel hurt and betrayed. It's not rational, it's emotional.

But you gave him the go ahead to have children. Why punish him for it?
Please and please, I'm begging you. Don't leave your husband. You will regret it.

Maybe go for marriage counselling with your husband. It might help restore the love you seem to have lost for him.

And who knows, maybe the twins might be a gateway for you to have your own biological children. Sometimes, the universe just works like that.

You're not a bad person. You're just really hurt. Try and work things out with your husband first. At least, you'll know you tried.

And if you still want to leave after it all, well, you did your best.

Op, oya do this : breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in breathe out. Relax, take your time. Please don't rush into another marriage.

Marriage no tire you. Enjoy being single. Enjoy the power you have to make a decision that will only affect you. Enjoy your freedom. Go out, have sex.

After all that write the names of the two men on a board. Then list their pros and cons. Always have it at the back of your mind that it's possible the first guy is impotent.

Hunye:


Thank you But this other man treats me fine and promised me he will go to any length to make sure I have a child of my own.

He is a good man,his only crime is not telling me about his marriage after the death of his wife.

Do u know what else he might be hiding from u? Better pray well to receive a direct leading from God. Marriage isn't about d sweet times alone.

Hunye:


Why Should I be the one to appologise to him? He also did me wrong, you are trying so much to exonerate him and I feel it's not proper.
Him and his mother wanted a baby at all cost without thinking about the emotional effect it will have on me. Although I understand because he is the only surviving male in that family. His grandfather was an only son, his father an only son, him an only son and all This people are late except him, at a point I was even thinking it's a family curse not until he had those twin baby boys. But I also believe he should have waited a bit, maybe we could have save up some money and do Ivf.

But this other man is head over hills in love with me and I love him too, he proposed we will do Ivf immediately after marriage, we are not married yet, but he's been making contacts with his doctor friends discussing my medical condition with them and seeking for possible solution to my happiness.

Why is it that nobody here want me to forgive and settle with this other man why?

Have u thought about this other man's children? Have they accepted u? If they don't, na war o. Once again, think deeply

@ OP, you said your newfound co-adulterer is "Godly"?

Wonders! What is godly about marrying a married woman? Obviously you have loose morals.

McWordsworth:
@ OP, you said your newfound co-adultrer is "Godly"?

Wonders! What is godly about marrying a married woman? Obviously; you have love loose morals.

Chief judge,
Kindly drop your advice. That will be more beneficial to me than appointing yourself lord. And yes! my morals are loose, that's why I need your advice to correct it.

Hunye:


Chief judge,
Kindly drop your advice. That will be more beneficial to me than appointing yourself lord. And yes! my morals are loose, that's why I need your advice to correct it.

Well, I'll tell you the truth. Your husband sought your permission before "going astray". It was a permission you granted. Whatever you have against him can't stand in that regard.

In your case, he hasn't let you go, he's still exerting his authority (spiritual & physical) over you. So nothing good will come out of the abominable affair you're trying to build with that new adulterous snake.

as usual this one dey find supporters wey go encourage am to go share toto outside,cos she thinks d New man get small money pass em hubby,after some months e go come bak here open another thread.

don't marry the new man yet continue the friendships and no official marriage till its more obvious you are his wife.
I can't imaging a man cry because of woman its a sign of desperation and dangerous emotion. a man is not supposed to be too emotional over choosing a partner such emotion doesn't guarantee a long lasting marriage. its a red card.

Hunye:
I'm new to this forum though I've been a guest for over 3yrs but decided to register today so I can pour out my heart and frustration hoping I get well meaning advise from married and matured people here.
I'm 37yrs female married for over 10yrs now without a child. My husband is a nice and caring young man of 42yrs every woman will pray to have. Along the line he got tired of waiting and told me that he still loves me dearly and since we can't afford Ivf and he doesn't want to loose me, that I should permit him to get a woman pregnant aside our marriage, that he isn't going to marry another wife but that I should give him go ahead to atleast have one child outside pending when God will bless us with our own. I thought this through on my mind and gave him go ahead but ever since then the love I have for him dropped to zero, and I left him though he has been begging me to come back .

Recently I met a man online and we have been dating online he lives in a different state from me but this man has shown me what real love is all about, he is a widower of 57 yrs extremely caring and loving and Godly, Recently he proposed to me and we have discussed extensively about our past relationships . He is not rich, he earns a little less than 300k and he has grown up kids. He has told everyone about me including his friends, pastor and children.
Now to the main issue why am writing this... I just found out that after he lost his wife some years ago, he remarried last year and the marriage lasted for only six-month before it packed up, And he never told me this throughout our discussion.he hid it from me.
We were discussing over the phone and he suddenly said something which I became inquisitive and he was forced to tell me about it mistakenly.
Note this man has been so eager to marry me if not for the Lockdown we would have been done with the marriage.
I told him that same yesterday I can't continue with the relationship since he hid something as important as his marital status from me, he broke down over the phone and cried uncontrollably like a baby.

Now the issue is that my ex husband is on my neck to win me back, he said over his dead body will he grant me divorce. My heart is with this other man, but how do I forgive him and continue with him.
Pls I need mature advise

I don't see the reason why you can't forgive your new man from hiding such from you

He has his reasons and he has asked for forgivenes

You have to forgive him and move ahead

You didn't tell us who among you and your husband that has a medical condition over child bearing

Your husband loves you but he needs a child outside you and even if he says he won't marry the woman, don't believe him, it's rare to get a mumu woman that will have a child for a man and drop the child for him and walk away

One day, he will bow to pressure and marry that same woman

But if he wants to be sincere, both of you can go for adoption since you can't afford IVF

Alternatively, inform your family that you are no longer inttested in the marriage and wants to pull out and look for another man

It's now left for the two families to accept it and end the marriage

As for your new man, he already has children, if after one year, you can't have a child, go for adoption so that in future, you will have a child which will be the synergy for both of you as it's possible your step children will grow to find their ways

But get to know his family and make enquiries if truly he is a widower

Hunye:


I should go back to a man I no longer love right? Ok

Do what your mind tells you to do.
I'm not sure what advice you really need again, especially since you seem to have your game plan.
We all make mistakes in life, so if you find out this new relationship is a mistake, just own it like a boss and take your L in peace.
He might surprise you though, and you guys might have a good marriage

janvier27:
I'm just wondering, loving and living with someone for 10years and you can't accept his children under this circumstance despite his efforts at reconciliation. I hope the husband gets himself together and move on. From wife's comments here, decision seems to have been made. At least she can accept and love the grown up children of the twice married man she knows very well.

Can you imagine accepting kids your wife had for another man after 10 years of marriage because you guys couldn’t have kids together? If you can’t imagine it, then I don’t see why this is too hard for to not imagine as well.

cococandy:


Can you imagine accepting kids your wife had for another man after 10 years of marriage because you guys couldn’t have kids together? If you can’t imagine it, then I don’t see why this is too hard for to not imagine as well.

Is it himself or his wife that will be financially responsible for kids she had for another man?

@Hunye, a very tricky situation indeed, However, I'll suggest you try this, replace the complex situation with a similar but simpler analogy


For instance, will you resign a job you no longer like to take up a possible job with an employer who is yet to provide you with an offer letter and hasn't disclosed terms?

Use an analogy your are conversant with and scale up your response to match the current scenario

I wish you all the best and may the good Lord give you wisdom and grace not to fail at this time

Would you continue to love this new man if after 10 years, there's still no child? He's got kids already and probably won't be as bothered as you. He would go any length in words may not mean he would abandon his children's school fees to sponsor an IVF.

If your answer is yes to the emboldened, I think you can go ahead and marry your new lover.

Another way is to date him for say 6 months and try to get pregnant before taking any vow. If it doesn't come naturally, I would advise you to discontinue the relationship if you desperately need a child. At this point, you may find yourself loving your ex husband again (but it may be too late to return).