Ariza:
I'm sorry if it hurt you but it is the plain truth.

With Love comes acceptance. If you can accept that he did nothing wrong, that he loves you and still loves you only then will you be able to let go and forgive the "offences" you thought he committed. Then you can revive the memories you shared, yes those memories you buried while trying to move on. Wake them back. Miss him and then apologize to him.

Taking the children might seem difficult but that's because you see them as your husband's children not your, do away with that perception. See them as your gift. Your precious gift.

In all, Acceptance is the key. Let go off the rope, accept your husband and your gift and enjoy peace. I wish you success as you fight back for your HOME.

@Hunye....this is d best advice..I pray God help you. God bless Ariza for this beautiful response....
When I dont know how to start my response, I found someone who put it together so well....
In addition, dont know what ur religion is but tey and have a quiet time of prayer with God about it. Just ask god to direct you and teach you to forgive ur huband and love him again....It works just between u and God nd ur state of heart and brokenness. GOD will heal you and perfect all that concerns you. In all your years of toil, He is your gain madam and those beautiful kids, God will help you to love them. Marriage is about acceptance and tolerance. Please, let the beautiful memories u have shared be unblocked and help heal you.

Hunye:


Honestly I shed so much tears while reading this. I don't even know what to do again.

Tell me, how do I love him back again , where do I start,cos at this point I don't have a single feeling for him. I have closed my heart of love against him.

Please, let the past beautiful memories you have shared help open your heart to love him again....all affectionate feelings, try nd direct it to him. God will help you ma

Ariza:
One thing is certain in all of this, Your husband loves and respect you so does your mother-inlaw . Look at it from this angle, First he asked for permission before going to meet another woman. How many Men do that? When Married men cheat with or without reasons, one in dire need of children still sought his wife's permission before getting intimate with another woman FOR CHILD.

Second : He made the whole process Transactional. He didn't lust after a young damsel virgin or a beautiful slay queen rather he made a deal with a SINGLE MOTHER in need of Money. There was nothing but business between the man and the said woman. How many men will pay off a woman that gave birth for them to stick with one who didn't?

Third: His Mother made all the arrangements, he didn't because he couldn't out of his Love for you. His Mother too could have frustrated you and with the help of family members pushed you to the wall till you leave the marriage but She rather sought out a plan and called you to come take the children. Believe me, it takes them nothing to have married the single mother traditionally for your husband and continue to pressure him till he throws you out or take you in. But they didn't, to her what she did was the best thing she could have done to help.

Finally: Even when he knows you are with someone else, he is still holding on, He is refusing to sign the divorce papers because he loves you . The truth is, What have you done for him to deserve such love?
Madam I think it's high time you step down from your high horse and be rational for once! Stop seeing the whole marriage like it revolves around you alone. Think of your HUSBAND too. That Man has done NOTHING wrong to you. You gave him the GO AHEAD! That means you consented to it and you are ready to bear whatever consequences, why back out now? Why did you decide to "push the man forward, then remove the choke? ". You betrayed your husband. That's the truth. Go back to him. Accept the children as yours, they were bought for you by your husband. They are your gift, accept them. Probably you will have yours too.

As for the New Man, lol that's your Nemesis waiting to happen. Trust me. I hope you are wise enough to avoid it.

Thanks for this piece.....God bless you always . MAY god continue to grant you wisdom from above. @Ariza
@Hunye....This is the best advice. Please follow . God will guide you and lift those burden from ur heart.

Hunye:


Why Should I be the one to appologise to him? He also did me wrong, you are trying so much to exonerate him and I feel it's not proper.
Him and his mother wanted a baby at all cost without thinking about the emotional effect it will have on me. Although I understand because he is the only surviving male in that family. His grandfather was an only son, his father an only son, him an only son and all This people are late except him, at a point I was even thinking it's a family curse not until he had those twin baby boys. But I also believe he should have waited a bit, maybe we could have save up some money and do Ivf.

But this other man is head over hills in love with me and I love him too, he proposed we will do Ivf immediately after marriage, we are not married yet, but he's been making contacts with his doctor friends discussing my medical condition with them and seeking for possible solution to my happiness.

Why is it that nobody here want me to forgive and settle with this other man why?

Whatever people say here is just a piece of advice, its left to you to get them and see which ones u can go with or make use of.

At the end of everything, ur decision is ur choice and no one can force anything on u ma'am. Go with your heart, as the spirit leads. Only you know what you want to make you happy. I wish u all the best.
Please, carry God along in all ur steps....it works.....u need God's leading.

Mariangeles:


Move on then.
It seems your mind is already made up on whom you want to be with.
Maybe the purpose of this thread was just to unburden your heart.
Just make up your mind and get it over with.
You and your husband would be fine in the end without each other.

To me, I'd say if only you'd open up your heart to accept those children, you'd realize there's nothing much to it.
In this life, once you've decided that something is not an issue, it is not an issue.
We have the power to decide how things turn out.
In Igbo land, some women who cannot have children choose and marry wives for their husbands so that they can have children for them. I have witnessed such a situation. Believe me, it is not that big of a deal.

These days, people invest too much emotions in relationship.
Never make important decisions based on emotions.

Thanks for this.

Emotions should not rule our decisions
If only people can try and think on a reality/ realistic level, rather than letting our emotion do the thinking..

Mariangeles:
@Hunye, your rightful place is with your husband. Nobody can take it away unless you give it up.
Ask your husband for some time, then take all the time you need to open up your heart. It is the easiest of the options.
If he had betrayed you behind your back, it would have been different.
Believe me, life is either easy or hard, depending on how you see it.
There are times we need to make tough decisions that are favourable to us.

Also, one thing I observed from your words is that you do not even love the widower. I believe you still love your husband. Try to work things out.
Those kids are yours unless you reject them. There was an agreement, so don't let anybody make you believe they are not.

The truth about life is, not everybody will be rich, not everybody will get married, and not everybody will have children of their own.
All we can do is try our best to find solutions to what we call problems or learn to accept life as it is, live and be happy.

Thanks for this .....Life ain't easy.....No one has a perfect life but we got to accept what life throws at us and make the best out of our situation. Acceptability is very important to every aspect of our life.

Hunye:
I'm new to this forum though I've been a guest for over 3yrs but decided to register today so I can pour out my heart and frustration hoping I get well meaning advise from married and matured people here.
I'm 37yrs female married for over 10yrs now without a child. My husband is a nice and caring young man of 42yrs every woman will pray to have. Along the line he got tired of waiting and told me that he still loves me dearly and since we can't afford Ivf and he doesn't want to loose me, that I should permit him to get a woman pregnant aside our marriage, that he isn't going to marry another wife but that I should give him go ahead to atleast have one child outside pending when God will bless us with our own. I thought this through on my mind and gave him go ahead but ever since then the love I have for him dropped to zero, and I left him though he has been begging me to come back .

Recently I met a man online and we have been dating online he lives in a different state from me but this man has shown me what real love is all about, he is a widower of 57 yrs extremely caring and loving and Godly, Recently he proposed to me and we have discussed extensively about our past relationships . He is not rich, he earns a little less than 300k and he has grown up kids. He has told everyone about me including his friends, pastor and children.
Now to the main issue why am writing this... I just found out that after he lost his wife some years ago, he remarried last year and the marriage lasted for only six-month before it packed up, And he never told me this throughout our discussion.he hid it from me.
We were discussing over the phone and he suddenly said something which I became inquisitive and he was forced to tell me about it mistakenly.
Note this man has been so eager to marry me if not for the Lockdown we would have been done with the marriage.
I told him that same yesterday I can't continue with the relationship since he hid something as important as his marital status from me, he broke down over the phone and cried uncontrollably like a baby.

Now the issue is that my ex husband is on my neck to win me back, he said over his dead body will he grant me divorce. My heart is with this other man, but how do I forgive him and continue with him.
Pls I need mature advise

Dear Op, I totally understand you and your reasons for doing all you do. Only someone in your shoes will know better. 1o years without a child is not east, even wen people with children re struggling. That your hubby can impregnate another makes it worsw i cnt imagine the pressure from inlaws.

Now to the issue, u did not do wrong by agreeing to ur hubby to get a child outside, it was compromise for peace.
U also felt lonely in the midst of this and decided to check if someone wld still admire u and it became a relationship.

A widower that failes to disclose that he was remarried for 6months is a bad sign, an accident waiting to happen, pls dnt fall for it, he's not worth it.

I did not read anywhere ur hubby maltreated u nor asked u to leave, pls my dear ,go back to him, he is a goodman to ask ur permission for wat he did, many men would have fathered many behind u nd u only realize wen hes dead.

My advise, u really need a child, pls adopt one so that u can have some peace, if ur hubby also wants to bring in his child pls let him be. Children bring peace n blessings , it is loneliness and lack of joy that is making u look outside, pls get a child or 2(adoption or surrogacy) together with ur hubby raise them all.My prayer is that in due course God will open your womb and grant ur heart desire..