₦airaland Forum

I once dated a girl from an African country that I once lived in. She was easy to talk to and very funny.

She came across as someone with a strong African value, always talking about her culture and people and I liked it. She knew I liked my heritage too and I thought we shared the African heritage at least. Weeks after we started dating by questions I asked her, I found out she doesn't want to marry until another 10 years. She wants to be a career woman and get married at 31 at least (I laughed inside). I found out she doesn't want children, worst case scenario just a child (I pinched myself).

But she stressed I should learn her language and perform all her traditional marriage rites. She is clearly African by heritage but western by reasoning. Guys ask questions about the values of girls before you date them, never assume

What's the essence of this thread now?

What has feminism got to do with this?

Are you saying all Africans want or wish to get married? Or all Africans wish to have children? Lol. Well maybe civilization has normalize some things and people are becoming more expressive about their desires but civilization or westernization certainly have no effect of decisions like the ones your lady made.

People just keep these things because they don't want others to come for their heads.

yanabasee1:
What's the essence of this thread now?

It's the last line at the bottom of my post. In summary marry someone with same values as you

Ariza:
What has feminism got to do with this?

Are you saying all Africans want or wish to get married? Or all Africans wish to have children? Lol. Well maybe civilization has normalize some things and people are becoming more expressive about their desires but civilization or westernization certainly have no effect of decisions like the ones your lady made.

People just keep these things because they don't want others to come for their heads.

It has to do with feminism actually. She grew up in a white neighborhood and is still living in a white neighborhood.

I can tell you from a South African side that we generally don't like to get married early. Especially when we haven't made it in our careers yet. Also, generally, we don't want many children and are open to having none or even adopting.

I don't know where the woman is from but if it's SA, she wasn't influenced by white people. The truth is that women in SA are raised very differently from women in other countries. We are raised to be career oriented and hard workers. So maybe your girl was raised the same?

Minxie:
I can tell you from a South African side that we generally don't like to get married early. Especially when we haven't made it in our careers yet. Also, generally, we don't want many children and are open to having none or even adopting.

I don't know where the woman is from but if it's SA, she wasn't influenced by white people. The truth is that women in SA are raised very differently from women in other countries. We are raised to be career oriented and hard workers. So maybe your girl was raised the same?

She is SA, xhosa tribe precisely. Maybe I was wrong though. Why are you guys different?

needanswer:
It has to do with feminism actually. She grew up in a white neighborhood and is still living in a white neighborhood.

Not all "whites" are Feminists nah. Can you state other attributes you observe in her to come to this conclusion.

So far, things you've mentioned haven't qualified her as a feminist ,in my opinion though.

Ariza:
Not all "whites" are Feminists nah. Can you state other attributes you observe in her to come to this conclusion.

So far, things you've mentioned haven't qualified her as a feminist ,in my opinion though.

Someone here just pointed out she may not be a feminist. Her values though might be too left to my right

needanswer:
She is SA, xhosa tribe precisely. Maybe I was wrong though. Why are you guys different?

I'm not Xhosa but I can tell you that we are different because our situations demand it. Our parents and grandparents learned a long time ago that to overcome poverty, the girl child needs to be able to provide for her own needs and the needs of her family. More breadwinners, less poverty. So we aren't taught to be housewives. Actually myself and many of my friends don't know anything about being the traditional wifey type. We are taught from a young age that we need to focus on excelling in our careers so that we can be uplifted from poverty.

Actually, we are often dissuaded from marrying early by our parents. and if we do get married, we don't want to "settle down" so early with kids. It's expensive and we therefore need to be prepared

Chances are she is a feminist though. A lot of South African women are. We take pride in it because it benefits men and women

Minxie:
I'm not Xhosa but I can tell you that we are different because our situations demand it. Our parents and grandparents learned a long time ago that to overcome poverty, the girl child needs to be able to provide for her own needs and the needs of her family. More breadwinners, less poverty. So we aren't taught to be housewives. Actually myself and many of my friends don't know anything about being the traditional wifey type. We are taught from a young age that we need to focus on excelling in our careers so that we can be uplifted from poverty.

Actually, we are often dissuaded from marrying early by our parents. and if we do get married, we don't want to "settle down" so early with kids. It's expensive and we therefore need to be prepared

Hmm. Guessed I judged her hastily. Thanks for the insight.

Minxie:
Chances are she is a feminist though. A lot of South African women are. We take pride in it because it benefits men and women

I'm just seeing this. Now I'm at cross roads.

needanswer:
I'm just seeing this. Now I'm at cross roads.

But is there anything wrong with being a feminist? I don't understand...

Minxie:
But is there anything wrong with being a feminist? I don't understand...

No, as long as you don't hold on to traditional values too. No Cherry picking, I don't support that.

needanswer:
No, as long as you don't hold on to traditional values too. No Cherry picking, I don't support that.

I get what you mean but as I said before, most women just do the bride price thing to satisfy families. I wonder what would've happened if you said that you don't believe in bride price... I think she would've agreed with you. Anyway, only she will know that answer. I also don't like it when people have double standards

Minxie:
I get what you mean but as I said before, most women just do the bride price thing to satisfy families. I wonder what would've happened if you said that you don't believe in bride price... I think she would've agreed with you. Anyway, only she will know that answer. I also don't like it when people have double standards

I cant be certain if she would give a different answer, but she stressed the traditional marriage rites. I never knew Xhosa's traditional marriage rites were sort of stressful. I wouldn't want her to put me through that If she is truly a feminist. I prefer your former stance on SA women. we had an issue with xenophobia too

needanswer:
I cant be certain if she would give a different answer, but she stressed the traditional marriage rites. I never knew Xhosa's traditional marriage rites were sort of stressful. I wouldn't want her to put me through that If she is truly a feminist. I prefer your former stance on SA women. we had an issue with xenophobia too

I'm not an expert on Xhosa culture because I'm coloured so unfortunately I don't want to say something wrong.
I know there's some slight distrust between men of a family when it comes to marrying foreigners. Even in the coloured community when you say you are dating or marrying a Nigerian, people are usually a little worried because they fear the guy might be after money or papers. It has happened to many women so they are very very careful. I speak from experience because I've seen many families being concerned because their daughters are breadwinners and successful and they think the Nigerian guy is only after that. I'm not saying it's true, im saying it's what I observed from people. In any case, it is not a South African thing. I've heard from Chinese even how their parents don't want them to marry Africans or even date them lol! I think older people struggle to do away with stereotypes.
But if a guy can show that he is successful on his own and he doesn't need papers and he's a good person but the family still doesn't like him, nah I think it's some xenophobic business going on there.

Minxie:
I'm not an expert on Xhosa culture because I'm coloured so unfortunately I don't want to say something wrong.
I know there's some slight distrust between men of a family when it comes to marrying foreigners. Even in the coloured community when you say you are dating or marrying a Nigerian, people are usually a little worried because they fear the guy might be after money or papers. It has happened to many women so they are very very careful. I speak from experience because I've seen many families being concerned because their daughters are breadwinners and successful and they think the Nigerian guy is only after that. I'm not saying it's true, im saying it's what I observed from people. In any case, it is not a South African thing. I've heard from Chinese even how their parents don't want them to marry Africans or even date them lol! I think older people struggle to do away with stereotypes.
But if a guy can show that he is successful on his own and he doesn't need papers and he's a good person but the family still doesn't like him, nah I think it's some xenophobic business going on there.

I get what you mean. I'm a financial stable person, while she is a university undergraduate. Her cousin has a Nigerian boyfriend too. so her family isn't against Nigerians.

she sort of tried to justify the xenophobic attacks on Nigerians and Africans. part of the reasons I left. I later came back to formally close all my dealings in SA. it's 3:33am in SA, sorry I'm keeping you up.

needanswer:
I get what you mean. I'm a financial stable person, while she is a university undergraduate. Her cousin has a Nigerian boyfriend too. so her family isn't against Nigerians.

she sort of tried to justify the xenophobic attacks on Nigerians and Africans. part of the reasons I left. I later came back to formally close all my dealings in SA. it's 3:33am in SA, sorry I'm keeping you up.

No it's chilled, i can't sleep anyway. I think this xenophobic thing is getting out of hand. Honestly, the number of people who actually think bad about nigerians are very small. And trust me, we the majority don't approve of their attitude at all. Some people in this country can be very xenophobic.

Now, there is a problem with criminality. South Africans feel that one should not do in another country what you won't do in your own so when they see a foreigner doing something wrong, it get emphasised because they believe the guest should behave in the house of the host. Also, i think there's some kind of confusion. The majority of South Africans have a problem with foreigners doing illegal things. We don't have a problem with foreigners in general. For example, there's a somalian shop in my small town and we all buy our things from there because he runs an open and honest business. People respect the somalians in town more than they respect each other lol! Anyway, in another town there's another Somalian store that sells expired and fake goods and people absolutely don't like them. So what gets out is that South Africans don't like foreigners. But that's actually not the case, we love foreigners but we just want some respect for the laws. We aren't denying that our own people are criminals. Not at all, we have horrible criminals here. We just can't juggle our own criminals and foreign criminals. We don't have the capacity that the USA has so people take matters into their own hands and they try to flush out the criminals. Then you get those idiots and scumbags who take advantage of that to push their xenophobic agendas so now it looks like all foreigners are hated. But trust me, they get dealt with too.

I'm sorry if anyone has ever treated you unfairly in this country. Please, once this corona is over, come to SA and teach people about Nigeria so that they can get a better understanding of your country. Those who make a positive impact need to be louder.
Once again, i apologize for xenophobic acts against anyone affected.

Minxie:
No it's chilled, i can't sleep anyway. I think this xenophobic thing is getting out of hand. Honestly, the number of people who actually think bad about nigerians are very small. And trust me, we the majority don't approve of their attitude at all. Some people in this country can be very xenophobic.

Now, there is a problem with criminality. South Africans feel that one should not do in another country what you won't do in your own so when they see a foreigner doing something wrong, it get emphasised because they believe the guest should behave in the house of the host. Also, i think there's some kind of confusion. The majority of South Africans have a problem with foreigners doing illegal things. We don't have a problem with foreigners in general. For example, there's a somalian shop in my small town and we all buy our things from there because he runs an open and honest business. People respect the somalians in town more than they respect each other lol! Anyway, in another town there's another Somalian store that sells expired and fake goods and people absolutely don't like them. So what gets out is that South Africans don't like foreigners. But that's actually not the case, we love foreigners but we just want some respect for the laws. We aren't denying that our own people are criminals. Not at all, we have horrible criminals here. We just can't juggle our own criminals and foreign criminals. We don't have the capacity that the USA has so people take matters into their own hands and they try to flush out the criminals. Then you get those idiots and scumbags who take advantage of that to push their xenophobic agendas so now it looks like all foreigners are hated. But trust me, they get dealt with too.

I'm sorry if anyone has ever treated you unfairly in this country. Please, once this corona is over, come to SA and teach people about Nigeria so that they can get a better understanding of your country. Those who make a positive impact need to be louder.
Once again, i apologize for xenophobic acts against anyone affected.

thanks for the heartfelt apology on behalf of SA. all foreigners who do criminal activities on foreign soil should face the law. I strongly believe that.

I'll reconsider if SA is still where I want to go to after travel restrictions are lifted. the world in general isn't safe for people of colour anymore( blacks especially), just look at the racism in the US. Truly no place like home.

Minxie:
No it's chilled, i can't sleep anyway. I think this xenophobic thing is getting out of hand. Honestly, the number of people who actually think bad about nigerians are very small. And trust me, we the majority don't approve of their attitude at all. Some people in this country can be very xenophobic.

Now, there is a problem with criminality. South Africans feel that one should not do in another country what you won't do in your own so when they see a foreigner doing something wrong, it get emphasised because they believe the guest should behave in the house of the host. Also, i think there's some kind of confusion. The majority of South Africans have a problem with foreigners doing illegal things. We don't have a problem with foreigners in general. For example, there's a somalian shop in my small town and we all buy our things from there because he runs an open and honest business. People respect the somalians in town more than they respect each other lol! Anyway, in another town there's another Somalian store that sells expired and fake goods and people absolutely don't like them. So what gets out is that South Africans don't like foreigners. But that's actually not the case, we love foreigners but we just want some respect for the laws. We aren't denying that our own people are criminals. Not at all, we have horrible criminals here. We just can't juggle our own criminals and foreign criminals. We don't have the capacity that the USA has so people take matters into their own hands and they try to flush out the criminals. Then you get those idiots and scumbags who take advantage of that to push their xenophobic agendas so now it looks like all foreigners are hated. But trust me, they get dealt with too.

I'm sorry if anyone has ever treated you unfairly in this country. Please, once this corona is over, come to SA and teach people about Nigeria so that they can get a better understanding of your country. Those who make a positive impact need to be louder.
Once again, i apologize for xenophobic acts against anyone affected.

I quoted you twice.

needanswer:
thanks for the heartfelt apology on behalf of SA. all foreigners who do criminal activities on foreign soil should face the law. I strongly believe that.

I'll reconsider if SA is still where I want to go to after travel restrictions are lifted. the world in general isn't safe for people of colour anymore( blacks especially), just look at the racism in the US. Truly no place like home.

Agreed. Good luck on your travels and thanks for the discussion. If more people were like you, Africa wouldn't be so bad...
Well, it's been fun but I have to go sleep now. This winter is torture, 4 degrees Celsius ain't no joke.

Minxie:
Agreed. Good luck on your travels and thanks for the discussion. If more people were like you, Africa wouldn't be so bad...
Well, it's been fun but I have to go sleep now. This winter is torture, 4 degrees Celsius ain't no joke.

the cold was something else... I miss it though. thanks for the insight you shared, really nice. good night.

You people(needanswer and minixie) should continue this chat privately,this is a forum for seun's sake

I kind of agree with this stuff

I have a southy babe like that that told me she doesn't want to have children, that she's not in for having kids and I'm like wtf

I think I get the whole thing now

SavageBoy:
You people(needanswer and minixie) should continue this chat privately,this is a forum for seun's sake

I kind of agree with this stuff

I have a southy babe like that that told me she doesn't want to have children, that she's not in for having kids and I'm like wtf

I think I get the whole thing now

thanks

In 10 years she would be 31? Bro she’s still young. Her worldview is evolving.

AfroKnight:
In 10 years she would be 31? Bro she’s still young. Her worldview is evolving.

you are correct with the age. you may be right with her maturing with time but our cultural difference may also be another factor contributing to her reasoning.