₦airaland Forum

chitheo:
Don’t have a favorite but I don’t like pineapple.

Ishilove:
Beauty is subjective. I don't find him handsome

Ishilove:
I'd probably be furious, after laughing

Double0h7:
Lol. Sis, this made me so happy . Yes, count and focus on your blessings and keep feeding him job ideas that you need help with. You're each others blessing.

I wish you guys peace and joy

Double0h7:
RichGal, how are you feeling today?

Double0h7:
Richgal, clear this up for us...

is he a stay at home husband?

Does he take care of the home front and the kids while you bring in the money?

Does he cook you a hot meal ready for when you come home from work?

Are you doing both fronts or is he supporting you by running the home?

Kobojunkie:
1. You are not his mother abeg. Please, take stop wearing that hat abeg. Give over the responsibilities to him and allow him to develop himself in it.

2. Of what benefit is his church life to you ?

ibechris:
This lady here is the strongest woman I have ever read of on Nairaland...a text book example of an African woman!.

Your only sin is here is marrying a lazy man...u just have to be strong and take away the card from him. U can't be working while he waits to receive your sweat all because of marriage.

Be bold and talk him into doing something, what if u are not there tomorrow,is that the way he is going to run down his family all because u have refused to voice out?

Keep it up my dear sister...this life no balance.

eazzzy1:
RichGal, I appreciate that you are respectful with your comments, even to those who disagree with you. That’s a very scarce behaviour on nairaland. May God give you the wisdom to handle your issues the right way. Cheers and all the best.

cococandy:
The truth is that you can’t really win in the court of public opinion. We are told men are supposed to be the providers. But they aren’t always. At the same time as a young girl you’re encouraged to give a man with potential chances. Don’t be materialistic. Don’t look for already made. Help build him up. Etc.

Sometimes it works and you’re a golden child who stood by the man when he had nothing.
Other times it doesn’t work and people will ask you “didn’t you see that before saying yes?”. Either way it’s going to be your fault. so, you get to decide when you’ve had enough.

Kobojunkie:
I disagree! Being a sole provider takes a toll on anyone who takes on that role whether man or women, so no one gender is created for such to begin with.

What is wearing OP out in this case isn't really the fact that she alone brings in the dough, but that she's been wearing too many hats in her marriage, and her expectations as far as this man is concerned do not line up with his , let's call it, current state.

cococandy:
Right.
That’s why my opinion is always based on what feels fair to the couple within the marriage not what others feel they should be doing.

It might make sense to her to see “the reality” as we think of it, but if that’s not what she wants, she’s still going to be resentful. They never agreed for the husband to be the house spouse and for her to be the sole provider. If they did, I don’t think she will be here complaining.

He probably initially gave the impression that he could become a traditional provider husband or at least an equal contributor which seemed okay to her but he just never actualized expectation hence her frustration.

NoToPile:
Please OP don't let this affect your mental/emotional health oo, just try to be happy. Merely thinking of this situation is making me feel somehow, I can't imagine how you feel.

God will help you sis.

It is well oo

truthsayer009:
I felt some type of chills reading your post because at first I thought It was one of those fake Nairaland stories again, but this is different and I can feel the emotion from the writeup.

First, the problem started when your hubby decided to leave 9-5 job and go into business, enterprenuership isn't for everyone and isn't suited for people who have no financial family backup. What he needs is a job, something to raise his hopes again. He needs to dust his CV, swallow his pride and start searching for Full-time jobs, not contract. What he will first discover is that most of his mates then have gone far in their career, he will have to start again from stratch.

He has to look for a job, period. He can start from low paying jobs that at least brings in something at the end of the month.

Another thing that works is challenging him with the help of his friends, speaking from a man's POV, I would feel very uncomfortable if my friends question my life or career choices and try to do someting about it.

Some simple questions that he can be asked
- What type of job was he doing before? -- He can go back there.
- Does he love writing? - Then he can go into professional writing, on Upwork, Freelancer etc
- Does he love computers or shining gadgets? -- Then he can into tech, designing or programming.
- Does he love talking to people? -- Then he can go into Customer Support or Technical Customer Support etc

baby124:
Do you mean he does not have a job AT ALL?
At the bolded, please investigate him. He’s spending money on someone. The money is definitely going somewhere

Kobojunkie:
1. So his having your ATM isn't really an issue then?

2. So the one who has changed is you, not your husband, am I right? You carried him all this while and are now tired of carrying him is what you keep saying. Also, from your post it seems you never really did have to look up to him before now but your expectations have changed and hence your frustrations.

I really think you need to do things differently in order that you become less frustrated and begin enjoying your union as it is to that end that I suggested you seek professional marriage counseling and professional mental health therapy as well.

Kobojunkie:
If, but not all housewives have their husbands cards. Some are only given an allowance. OP here says her husband almost always has her ATM card and all he does is spend, spend, spend, but not necessarily on household needs.

Donpenny:
yes i understand but what i meant is to prioritise things, treat those most pressing one and always remember your health and sanity is very crucial. As for the paycheck to paycheck, if possible get a passive income preferably a digital skill can do that for you. I do know which part of the country you are i would have introduce to one or two which ever you can combine with ur current job. The truth is that thing are generally hard at the moment for almost every Nigerian. It is well. Just hang in their dear

Kobojunkie:
Why does your husband have your card if he does not bring money to the family? Is this an exercise in caressing his ego on your part?

Kobojunkie:
Fixing another human being is never a good idea, so... I do understand what you mean you say you are exhausted, so why not consider no longer carrying all the weight by yourself anymore?

1. Get marriage counselor involved to help you and your husband review your current arrangement and come to a new resolution that has him carrying some of the burden you have had to carry all by yourself till now...

2. Visit a mental health therapist so as to help you dig down to reason why you feel you are to serve as mother - fixer - to your own husband. I believe that by discovering the root of that for yourself, you can begin to leg go of the need to hold it all up by yourself.

3. Give yourself a break as often as you can. If you already mentally exhausted only 6 years ago, what will the picture of your health look like by the time you are 20 years into it, assuming you never collapse finish by then?

Donpenny:
I really felt for you because i can see the pain in your write up. At this stage your mental health is paramount, all you need to do is you have to be less ambitious, have few desire , adope simplicity and care more about your inner peace . You need all this right now so you can have a clear picture of things before you can take the right decision. Is unfortunate you married a mentally lazy man whose priority is to take care of his look so he could look good to others out their at the expense of his family. Aka fine boy

baby124:
Does he not have a job or business? You give him your ATM card? What bills does he pay in the family? What was your agreement with him before marriage?