i think that those who say i talk to her the wrong way or abuse her verbally, don't understand the basics of a communication.
I can never be insulted by her no matter how hard she tried, because i want to hear everything she has to say. what i hate is shouting at me in public because i voiced an opinion. i don' t do that to her.
maturity dictates that you can handle information conveyed to you, no matter how insulting you think they are.

@funkybaby

I tried to talk to her and actually sent her an email before talking to her. she tells me there is no problem at all. she says that everything is just fine.
But i know better.

i also think that those who blame old fashion marriages missed the mark too. i have seen people who dated for 5 years , and still divorced after 1 year of marriage.

I can guess what her problem may be, but i think she is letting it destroy her and our marriage.
But i can't act on a suspicion. i need facts.

maturity remains the only solution. everybody has problems, but the way they handle their problems convey their maturity level.

And by education, i mean a hunger to learn new things and be open to new ideas about life.

i have not discussed this issue with anyone before. that is why i'm going off here.
i won't discuss it with anyone because i don't want bad advise from people who know us and may be jealous of what we have.
And yes, I love her and cannot imagine being married to another woman. My brain stops at the gates of a divorce court. i can't imagine the rest of my life without her.

I'm just  a sad husband. But I believe with God I can be happy again. With her.

I say i was insulted, because those commentators felt i was not doing enough to save my marriage.
All I have to say about that is that marriage is a two way street.
If my wife won't confide in me, i cannot help that. She can go to the divorce court if she thinks i did something unpardonable.

All I'm really asking for is an opportunity to communicate.

btw we made love last night, and it was as good as always.
Love making has never been our problem. She wants me as much as i want her.
That is even why i'm desperate to save our marriage.

I am happy for all information though.
There is always a lesson, even in insults.

I thank you all for all your advise. I learned from some of you, but i was almost insulted by a few too.

Anyway, thanks you guys for all your advice.

Peace.

1 - she is beautiful (at least in her own way).
2- . . . .

I'm short of words!

The truth is that i thought she was the following:

- Trustworthy (but I cannot trust someone who does not trust me, and I cannot be sure of what she would do in my absence)
- Christian (but I found out that I pray more than she does, and I read the bible and refer to it more than she does)
- Hardworking (but she complains a lot about work, doing so in America is like "duh!)
- Decent (but I know someone almost had s-ex with her until fate intervened -i won't discuss this)
- Respectful (but I'm seeing that is not true because she shouts at me in public when she flares up)
- A home maker (but now i make my own home and cook my own food, else nothing gets done)
- A person capable of love (but I really doubt she ever loved me, because I don't feel loved)

I guess I've been asleep for too long.

Okay, let me write down some of the things I like about her.

valacious:

@op, [b]cook with her together n d kitchen. [/b]Its sad dat u are going tru dis now, but let your spouse know there are issues. So u dont carry d burden all alone. @funkybaby, am enjoying your posts.

In fact, that is even how we cook. She never cooks alone. She must engage me in one aspect of it or another.
That is even making her less and less involved. These days, whenever she cooks stew for instance, I must cook the rice proper.

as desperate as I am now, I want her to grow up, even if without me. She simply refuses.
I want to come home one evening and meet a fully grown woman at home. That's all. I think i may be dreaming tho.
I want to help her grow, but she rejects any effort towards that.
For instance I planned for us to visit a Jacuzzi and Sauna spot; the idea was never implemented. I planned a cruise. It hasn't materialized either. I planned occasional outing to decent movie houses. She's always cold to them.
She does not drink any alcohol ( told her that occasional sips of red wine or champagne is not bad or sinful), she still hates them. Okay, the question, is what does she do for fun? Just nollywood.  

I even think that her style of life makes it hard for her to get pregnant.
How can any woman get pregnant being so uptight and brooding?
I even think such women's reproductive system kills Spermatozoa. Just from my quack hunch. LOL.

funkybaby:

^^^ did you ask her if she likes it or not?

what stops you from asking her?

abi she carry fire for head

How can you ask a "13 year old" about having oral-sex?
Believe me that is how i feel about the situation. You can only muster the courage or even convince yourself about the sensibility of the idea if you thought you were dealing with an adult.

I think I will write her an email and pour my heart out. I hope that helps.
The baby thing is a sweet/bitter dream for me now. Part of me wants it, while the other part suspects her because she won't even cook, now. How  am I sure she won't even divorce me after having that baby? Then I'll be in a nightmare.
I suspect that whatever I do would be my decision; and it won't be an easy one. Life is hard already. All I needed was wife who could carry the burden of life with me in a cheerful, bullish and positive way. We should enjoy life while we still have it. If a child is born into an unhappy family, that child's life would be ruined.

horny4u:

I see !

marriage is not a you no do this SO I too no do this, It is not 50 -50 o its 100-100 so take your 100 to your MRS and maybe i should spell it out in greek , s[b]he needs your tongue and for you to visit those places where you can get a battery rabbit ( wo e ma so mi lenu  o je) and turn that recluse to a happy baby, without a good kneeding the best women will slap the television and punch the DVD, smack that but , be a nutty professor GRRR, get out Monica Lewisky from her plain Jane, [/b]

You will know your pomo as gotten to the the ground flour when she begins to sing praise music after don moen instead of reclusing with the voodoos of nollywood,

Your wife is in pain, serious one  , date her , and read more about understanding women, KNOWLEDGE

LOL. 

Well, I admit I've not done oral-sex with her. I don't know whether she likes them. You see, how do I know, if she won't even talk about them?

I also have to admit that I'm becoming cold to the idea of having a baby with her. I fear she would trap me into a life time of misery with child support.

About her faults, believe me i don't even see them at all. I am the type that don't see any fault with my woman if I'm in love with her. But if I fall out of love, my eyes open to all kinds of stuff. I am seeing more and more . . 

I don't know what to do not to fall out of love with her because the faults can quickly become a deluge. 

Trust is a two way street. If she cannot trust me, she should at least trust another person -any person. That way I can at least know it is me with the problem.

whatelsedo:

@ poster, i would ask you to check yourself honestly. I want to believe your wife has trust issues with you and is not letting it out.

Talking from my own experience in my marriage as a woman, i seem to understand what is going on in your wife's mind. The moment i realised that i cant trust my husband with ANY INFORMATION i stopped telling him anything except if he asked. why? because every discussion will end up on the round table with his mum and friends. i did not argue with him , i just scrutinized my information.
I discovered he was having an affair which he tried so hard to hide, i asked him and he denied vehemently and the result was that i lost all trust in him. I carry on with my life as if i dont care but he has since noticed i dont confide in him like i used to. he complains about my being secretive to everyone that cares to listen and it seems i dont care. well thats the impression i give, though i am hurting deep inside me.

i would advice u check yourself first, and then find a way of getting into the mind of your wife. every reaction is triggered by an action in a woman's world.

I did not do anything wrong (that I know of).
Nobody is perfect, and I don't even see her faults that much. I lived with all these for almost the whole  3 years and I'm prepared to go on, BUT she has to open up and tell me stuff. She is supposed to be my best friend. I also wonder why she suspects everyone as if she has no fault of her own. She is also a christian and need to understand the value of forgiveness (if anyone hurt her). She is not my girl friend. She is my wife. If she can't forgive me (assuming I did something wrong), why did she agree to marry me? I believe that maturity is part of her problem. Mature people hardly find fault in little things. They understand life.
I nearly ended the marriage almost as soon as it started because I feared this current situation. I decided to handle it as a christian and forgive and ignored all her faults then, all with hope that she would one day make a good wife.
She has let me down.

But I still believe it is my fault; afterall I married her.

okay, let me share what I'm thinking about to solve this.
I am praying a lot of course, but God gave us brains for a purpose.

I am planning to move back to Nigeria as a last resort
America is too nucleated and isolationist. Everyone to himself/herself.

She was not like this in Nigeria because she hardly even saw me at home in Nigeria. I think she sees too much of me here. In Nigeria, she appreciated every moment she was with me and jumps at any opportunity to go out. Staying at home is boring in Nigeria. Out here, there is internet 24/7 and she just goes to watch those nollywood movies. In naija she worried that she may lose me to other girls, though I knew she won't. I don't know if I can say that she won't lose me anymore.

btw, this is a last option. I don't want to divorce her, but time is not on my side to wait for her to grow.
I don't even think she is interested in growing.
Do you guys think it is a good idea to do that?

funkybaby:

Abi na.  

Relationships/marriage is not as complicated as people make them seem.

You should try and communicate with her.
send text mesages to her when both of you are not together, ring her to find our she is doing, let her know when you are upset with her. . . . . .

communicate, communicate, communicate.

thats the only way you are going to resolve this issue.

except you are a shy person/introvert like her  

If I am like that, we may not have any problem. Part of the problem is that I'm bored. I need a lively (and normal) woman at home. Not a LovePeddler; not a recluse. Just a normal woman.

Russialane:

@
sadhusband  i HATE to tell you this no offense for the fact that you are even in the US HMMMM YOU ARE FINISHED she has the upper hand you know why you are sitting on a time bomb WAITING TO BLOW UP ON YOU JUST be careful and be steadfast like a man your wife is a ticking TIME BOMB

Sometimes I feel exactly like that. When we have serious argument, that is exactly how I feel. She doesn't trust me or anyone for that matter. If she had friends, I could try to reach her through her friends. But she doesn't.

I also notice that she snaps at me sometimes in public if I say anything she doesn't like. People turn and look at us funny. She doesn't care.
I thought that mature folks have self control, and can handle any information no matter how provocative they may seem. The funny thing is that I am very careful with words. I hate verbal abuse, and do my best to desist from hurting her verbally. She just needs to mature up, that's all.

Seriously I've thought about relocating to Nigeria just to have my marriage back, but something tells me that I may have to go without her.

@Russialane

We're in the US.

@funkybaby

Thanks a lot. You see I'm loving your spirit already!
check you out here.

funkybaby:

simple solution to a very simple problem.

i[b]f she lies down and you want her to give you d.o.ggy, why cant you tell her nicely and gently, ''baby turn around''. or ''''wifey, raise your legs up''[/b]  

there is also another angle to the problem. she used to cook and make sure there is food at home. now, she simply goes to work, come back and go straight to bed. if I complain, she tells me to go cook myself.
I do cook because I hate nagging her about things I know i can do for myself. I was cooking for myself before i married her. so that's not much of a problem, except that i suspect that the problem would get worse if she gets a baby. she acts like the type that would just cook for her baby and forget all about me.

I hate comparing my wife with other women, but she fails anytime I do that. Without comparing her with others, how would i know if she's normal or not?

funkybaby:


** sighs**

you complained that all she does is sit indoors and watch nollywood
you also complained that she does not add knowledge or value to your relationship
now you are saying she does not inspire you or initiate sex and she is not a functional wife

have you opened up to her and told her all these?

I did not say that she does not initiate sex. I said she does not inspire sex. They are different.
If someone just lie down and don't participate or simply wait for you to do your thing, that is boring to a lot of guys.

@funkybaby

I have thought about getting her pregnant and getting a baby into the house. But sometimes I fear that she would be worse then. She seems like the type that wants to first secure her position in a marriage before opening up. But what happens if she never gets pregnant? She is the one with the problem (according to tests), but I've told her several times that our relationship is far more important than any baby. She doesn't seem to get that message.
frankly sometimes I think I married below my mental or intellectual levels. But I am a strong believer in marriage and in making my wife grow both emotionally and intellectually. So, I'm even wary of bringing a child into this situation.

btw we are both strong christians.

I guess my plight is indirectly convicting the "old fashion way marriage" - you meet a girl, you love each other from sight and family makes inquiries and everything seems to check fine. NO SEX and intimate relationships.  You get married.
This is what I'm thinking.

BUT  I don't even think that sex is our problem. She enjoys each encounter. She doesn't complain about them, but I am not in the mood somethings because I feel bored and down. I need my wife to inspire me and make me see sex as a thing of joy instead of a chore.  I only enjoy sex with her when I'm well into it. Often I'm very reluctant to initiate it.
She can stay without sex as far as I can see, unless there is something else going on behind my back.

I don't need a LovePeddler at home, but if a LovePeddler would be normal and interested in growing up and be a functional wife, I may well find me one!

We did not date even a day.

To those who say that I deserve her because that is what I bargained for; I don't think any man goes out to look for a LovePeddler. Every man goes out to look for a decent calm and normal woman. How would you know that a calm woman today may be a recluse tomorrow? Unless we can say to never marry calm women. I have seen other calm women who are still solid and knowledgeable and are willing to add knowledge and relationships to their lives. Mine just wants only me, inside the bedroom, lights all out and cuddling up in bed forever. How can we work and raise a family if we live that way?
My other concern is that she shoes friends away. She basically loses them and make no attempt at all to nurture even friends that ran after her and want to be her friend. All of them disappear the same way they come.
I also know find out that is it very difficult for a man to keep friends if his wife is anti-friends.