funkybaby:

^^^ did you ask her if she likes it or not?

what stops you from asking her?

abi she carry fire for head

How can you ask a "13 year old" about having oral-sex?
Believe me that is how i feel about the situation. You can only muster the courage or even convince yourself about the sensibility of the idea if you thought you were dealing with an adult.

sadhusband:

How can you ask a "13 year old" about having oral-sex?
Believe me that is how i feel about the situation. You can only muster the courage or even convince yourself about the sensibility of the idea if you thought you were dealing with an adult.

No need to ask her, ACTION ! Roll the tape, she is forming innocenty , when you touch her with some magic , she will turn to fire,
You know na  pretend to yourself that she is a PRO , sensually start then take it a step higher , no complain , then take it a step higher again , still no complain, then keep going , no challenge no retreat, You cannot treat a woman like an egg in the bedroom o, smash things up,

Trust me your dinner will never be late, Na chop get power and pay back she go use your own do, 

sadhusband:

How can you ask a "13 year old" about having oral-sex?
Believe me that is how i feel about the situation. You can only muster the courage or even convince yourself about the sensibility of the idea if you thought you were dealing with an adult.

is your wife 13, abeg pull that green snake out of the green grass o je e,

nothing brings more intimacy than tongue and back door , donot ask her o, she is too shy and you will get no daddy wa.
instead use action to turn her over while whispering sweet nothings and breathing heavily as humans we mirror eachother, show her you are a hoe (just for her) and she will show you that behind Nollyhood there is magic.
She will be too happy not to make friends by the time ti owo ba ba
Donot come back and say you are thin o.

@op, cook with her together n d kitchen. Its sad dat u are going tru dis now, but let ur spouse know there are issues. So u dont carry d burden all alone. @funkybaby, am enjoying ur posts.

as desperate as I am now, I want her to grow up, even if without me. She simply refuses.
I want to come home one evening and meet a fully grown woman at home. That's all. I think i may be dreaming tho.
I want to help her grow, but she rejects any effort towards that.
For instance I planned for us to visit a Jacuzzi and Sauna spot; the idea was never implemented. I planned a cruise. It hasn't materialized either. I planned occasional outing to decent movie houses. She's always cold to them.
She does not drink any alcohol ( told her that occasional sips of red wine or champagne is not bad or sinful), she still hates them. Okay, the question, is what does she do for fun? Just nollywood.  

I even think that her style of life makes it hard for her to get pregnant.
How can any woman get pregnant being so uptight and brooding?
I even think such women's reproductive system kills Spermatozoa. Just from my quack hunch. LOL.

valacious:

@op, [b]cook with her together n d kitchen. [/b]Its sad dat u are going tru dis now, but let your spouse know there are issues. So u dont carry d burden all alone. @funkybaby, am enjoying your posts.

In fact, that is even how we cook. She never cooks alone. She must engage me in one aspect of it or another.
That is even making her less and less involved. These days, whenever she cooks stew for instance, I must cook the rice proper.

sadhusband:

as desperate as I am now, I want her to grow up, even if without me. She simply refuses.
I want to come home one evening and meet a fully grown woman at home. That's all. I think i may be dreaming tho.
I want to help her grow, but she rejects any effort towards that.
For instance I planned for us to visit a Jacuzzi and Sauna spot; the idea was never implemented. I planned a cruise. It hasn't materialized either. I planned occasional outing to decent movie houses. She's always cold to them.
She does not drink any alcohol ( told her that occasional sips of red wine or champagne is not bad or sinful), she still hates them. Okay, the question, is what does she do for fun? Just nollywood.  

I even think that her style of life makes it hard for her to get pregnant.
How can any woman get pregnant being so uptight and brooding?
I even think such women's reproductive system kills Spermatozoa. Just from my quack hunch. LOL.

Your wife is all black then not a single white, this same woman will be with another man and xmas lights will come on, ( i am not aiming at your ego)
Oga only a lil can advise do,
write down 5 things you love about your wife that is unique to her if you cannot find 5 , go to the court 2moro nd end this matter.
Nothing is by force in this world.
If you continue to see a reclusive unfriendly woman who will not cook for you that is what you will get nd you will be very very miserable or sheto US le wa,  None is perfect and you either work t it or get eraser at the court.

Growth
We all grow at our own time !
and its only a bit of self righteousness and arrogance that makes us feel others are not growing as we wnt them to grow who said we are better .
We grow differently , in my opinion the 1st growth of a hubby is the tongue but if a hubby no like tongue and he is a great guy what do you do
You must understand that your wife is human and cannot be forced to do anything she does not want to do. infact true leadership ( i hope u lead at home) is in finding a way to align your goals with her personal interests,
find out her dreams and aspirtions and if all her knowledge is from nollywood then its a big problem as she will fear everyone they trde in fear in nollywood so replace nollywood with something she will enjoy , or simply be patient and let her grow at her pace or get eraser.

Okay, let me write down some of the things I like about her.

1 - she is beautiful (at least in her own way).
2- . . . .

I'm short of words!

The truth is that i thought she was the following:

- Trustworthy (but I cannot trust someone who does not trust me, and I cannot be sure of what she would do in my absence)
- Christian (but I found out that I pray more than she does, and I read the bible and refer to it more than she does)
- Hardworking (but she complains a lot about work, doing so in America is like "duh!)
- Decent (but I know someone almost had s-ex with her until fate intervened -i won't discuss this)
- Respectful (but I'm seeing that is not true because she shouts at me in public when she flares up)
- A home maker (but now i make my own home and cook my own food, else nothing gets done)
- A person capable of love (but I really doubt she ever loved me, because I don't feel loved)

I guess I've been asleep for too long.

Anyway, thanks you guys for all your advice.

Peace.

sadhusband:

1 - she is beautiful (at least in her own way).
2- . . . .

I'm short of words!

The truth is that i thought she was the following:

- Trustworthy (but I cannot trust someone who does not trust me, and I cannot be sure of what she would do in my absence)
- Christian (but I found out that I pray more than she does, and I read the bible and refer to it more than she does)
- Hardworking (but she complains a lot about work, doing so in America is like "duh!)
- Decent (but I know someone almost had s-ex with her until fate intervened -i won't discuss this)
- Respectful (but I'm seeing that is not true because she shouts at me in public when she flares up)
- A home maker (but now i make my own home and cook my own food, else nothing gets done)
- A person capable of love (but I really doubt she ever loved me, because I don't feel loved)

I guess I've been asleep for too long.

wOH!!!!! , THAT IS ALOT. THE LORD IS YOUR STRENGTH.

Often, our marriages are damaged not by big things such as infidelity, abuse or abandonment, but little things such as criticism, lack of respect, and taking each other for granted. Pecking away at your relationship keeps it from reaching the heights of happiness God has planned for you. Someone wisely observed, 'Before you criticise your spouse's taste, remember, they chose you.' You say, 'But I'm just stating the facts.' Oswald Chambers said, 'God never gives us discernment in order that we may criticise one another, but that we may intercede [pray] for one another.' Nagging doesn't work; it only tears down your spouse's self-worth and security. People change only when they feel validated and understood. The Bible says, 'Love is patient and kind.' Instead of 'pecking', recall the qualities that attracted you to your spouse, build on them, and bring out the best in them. If you don't, who will? Paul writes, ', Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honourable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.' (Philippians 4:8 NLT) If you plan to stay married and be happy, these are time-tested principles.

//

omotofine:

Often, our marriages are damaged not by big things such as infidelity, abuse or abandonment, but little things such as criticism, lack of respect, and taking each other for granted. Pecking away at your relationship keeps it from reaching the heights of happiness God has planned for you. Someone wisely observed, 'Before you criticise your spouse's taste, remember, they chose you.' You say, 'But I'm just stating the facts.' Oswald Chambers said, 'God never gives us discernment in order that we may criticise one another, but that we may intercede [pray] for one another.' Nagging doesn't work; it only tears down your spouse's self-worth and security. People change only when they feel validated and understood. The Bible says, 'Love is patient and kind.' Instead of 'pecking', recall the qualities that attracted you to your spouse, build on them, and bring out the best in them. If you don't, who will? Paul writes, ', Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honourable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.' (Philippians 4:8 NLT) If you plan to stay married and be happy, these are time-tested principles.

OK !
@OP
Read this every morning and your problem is solved.

Reread your posts and compare to the advise of this lady and you will see the solution.

sadhusband:

1 - she is beautiful (at least in her own way).
2- . . . .

I'm short of words!

The truth is that i thought she was the following:

- Trustworthy (but I cannot trust someone who does not trust me, and I cannot be sure of what she would do in my absence)
- Christian (but I found out that I pray more than she does, and I read the bible and refer to it more than she does)
- Hardworking (but she complains a lot about work, doing so in America is like "duh!)
- Decent (but I know someone almost had s-ex with her until fate intervened -i won't discuss this)
- Respectful (but I'm seeing that is not true because she shouts at me in public when she flares up)
- A home maker (but now i make my own home and cook my own food, else nothing gets done)
- A person capable of love (but I really doubt she ever loved me, because I don't feel loved)

I guess I've been asleep for too long.

Prayer is thought: thinking positively is contact faith and prayer . Refer to the bible ke_ Not all those cll me Lord Lord are xtains , ability to understand the bible and seek to implement the teachings is better in my opinion than your memory capacity.
Finally i see why your wife will not open up, it looks to me that you think she is an illiterate with a pea brain and the babe thinks if she opens up you will mock her.
You said you provoke her in public and she shouts simple solution , DONOT provoke her ever again that is not a loving this to do.
You are the chairman of your home, stand at your goal post & read man of steel and velvet -Andelin. If you divorce this one and your leadership skils are still wanting , the next wife na the same.
Avoid criticising her in your thots , words or deeds and you will get a wife

Sorry about your situation.  Guys who are looking for imports from Naija, better tell your finders/mums  that SEX is a must and  a BJ is a plus as well

@Poster, involve your religious leader on the issue.

plsssss nw adays people dont marry in the old fashion way anymore how can u marry someone u dont even know at all na wah.ill just advice to really sit her down to talk to her or u guys should just see a marriage counsellor.

valacious:

@op, cook with her together n d kitchen. Its sad dat u are going tru dis now, but let your spouse know there are issues. So u dont carry d burden all alone. @funkybaby, am enjoying your posts.

thanks jare


@sadhusband

any updates?

have you summoned courage to open up and speak to your wife and also find out all the things she has bottled up inside her?

One thing you should bear in mind is that it takes two to tango. All you have done is, 'there is no good thing about your wife and you are the perfect man for probably any woman'. However, your wife's present character isn't helpful i must admit. It is marrriage. You need to help her grow. A lot has been said about your not spending time before getting married. You should also know that no matter how long you spend getting to know each other before marriage, marriage is always different because things change. You will notice somethings you probably didn't see before or which you didn't pay much attention to or that which you loved about your partner before marriage but you realise that it isn't good as a long term character. If the love is there however, you will move on.

Another factor to your wife's attitude may be the issue of childlessness at the moment. This may be a major reason why she is alone and eating herself up. She probabaly wants the best for you -give you a child- and is facing challenges at the moment.

It's up to you to make the situation change. Try to understand her as well as try to put yourself in her shoes. Befriend her all over. One thing i know is women loved to be treated right and loved. Communicate, its important. You cannot say how many things she may be holding against you too.

As per the issue of your bedroom matters. I must say that you have not touched her right because if you do, she will reach the top and any animosity for that period will be put aside. Make her look towards it. You might never tell if she secretly yearns for you but because she feels it's not the place of a woman to make the move, she keeps quit and ends up nagging at you. Her nagging and telling you to cook may be a message that she is not happy about something and you happen not to notice. I think she is old fashioned, you need to draw her out. Make her smile regularly. Be her friend for now, then you can have other friends
later.

I wish you luck.

I thought I posted this yesterday, but found out it didn't upload.

---

Hi Poster.  Please read through horny4u's and others posts.  Therein lie your solution.

Let me add my 2 cents.

I won't dwell on your 'old fashion way' of getting married.  It is done.  You are married.  It's good you love your wife and are eager to see things improve.  However, going through your posts gives me the impression of a nagging and whining husband who is desperate to convert his wife to be like himself.  Agreed, your wife definitely has issues (who doesn't?) but what I see here is someone who is not sure of herself and has complex.  This may have been partly because of the way you have nagged her into her own shell.

You talk as if she doesn't have a brain at all, calling her a 13 yr old etc!  Think for a moment- what do you think will be the reaction of your wife if she sees all you have typed and thought of her here?  Introverts (nothing wrong with being one!) have their ways of reacting to such verbal and mental torture- they withdraw further.  A choleric woman would have reacted aggressively and turned all hell loose for you at home!

Like someone said, you are just getting to really know each other. Instead of highlighting all what she is not, why not concentrate on her positives?  Instead of telling her all the time she needs to upgrade and improve, why don't you improve her?  Do it!  Work on her self esteem.  Praise does wonders.  Find her positives and start commending her for them.  You said she is beautiful, let's start from there!  Extol her beauty to high heavens.  Make it a point of duty to do it even publicly before others.  She doesn't go out right?  But I am sure you go to church together?  Then introduce her to people like "Meet the beauty of my life,  or "Meet my beautiful jewel, " etc.  I have seen such praise do wonders.

Whatever she doesn't know, teach her lovingly and come down from your high horse of intellectual superiority.  She might just be reacting to your "I am better than you/know more than you" attitude.  Assist her and let her know you are not competing.  Never look down on her.  Never talk down on her, whether in your words or actions.

Perhaps, she is finding life outside of Nigeria not too ideal for her and is slow in coping with it?  And the only way she knows to express it is by withdrawing.  Be her friend at this point of her going through the change and not her critic!  How educated is she?  Is she doing what she enjoys?

Sure she needs to improve sexually.  But instead of telling her how she is a nun etc, you take the lead and take her to that cloud 9.  You don't even need to ask her if she likes it a certain way.  Just do it.  Take it gently and slowly build her up to that point of no return where she will let go of every inhibition and explode!  A lot depends on you about this.  Don't be a lousy selfish lover in bed.  Work her up and see her change.  Set the mood early in the day, then build up the tempo in bed.  By the time the hormones start to flow, I can tell you she won't resist whatever you do to pleasure her at that point.

I am sure things can improve.  Work at it.

Cheers.

//

I never thought in my life time i will witness a male whiner. But this guy can whine and nag. . See epistles from page one to 10, all nagging and whining. No wonder the spouse is collapsing in bed. Guy just man up and stop whining. You are very excellent at picking out flaws and am sure you have more than your wife does. I am also sure you whine and say all these things that you have been saying here. Maybe you are not what she expected as well. This is the problem with old fashioned errr,  arrangement? I want to ask what deficiency you have physically, mentally and emotionally that you could not pick your own wife. There must be something character wise wrong with you. And i see from your writing that you may be an insecure and over critical person. You left the people that fit you to go and import someone you can control and oppress from Nigeria. Now you realize a human being is going to be a human being and not the robot you were hoping to design for yourself. You don enter am, carry your cross.

Madam Chaircover! I am honoured by your comments

I have been around. I usually read most of your responses. Only time denies me to respond to issues most of the time. I actually deliberately removed your name from my last response. You are definitely one of my favourites too. Most times you say what I would have said and more, so no need to actually say anything more. You make me feel I have another sister from a different mum! Lol!! Just know you are doing a great job here and many read your very apt posts silently.

Maybe I need to throw in some more posts to issues, if at least to provide a male angle to them sometimes. I will try.

You are certainly blessed. Love to Mr Chaircover!

@op there was no relationship before marriage ,so how did you guys chemistry start ?or im i missing something.that is why it is always advisable to have a courtship of a year or more than before settling down with whoever you are dating with so as to know what kind of person he or she is .

//

I thank you all for all your advise. I learned from some of you, but i was almost insulted by a few too.

I am happy for all information though.
There is always a lesson, even in insults.

I say i was insulted, because those commentators felt i was not doing enough to save my marriage.
All I have to say about that is that marriage is a two way street.
If my wife won't confide in me, i cannot help that. She can go to the divorce court if she thinks i did something unpardonable.

All I'm really asking for is an opportunity to communicate.

btw we made love last night, and it was as good as always.
Love making has never been our problem. She wants me as much as i want her.
That is even why i'm desperate to save our marriage.

I can guess what her problem may be, but i think she is letting it destroy her and our marriage.
But i can't act on a suspicion. i need facts.

maturity remains the only solution. everybody has problems, but the way they handle their problems convey their maturity level.

And by education, i mean a hunger to learn new things and be open to new ideas about life.

i have not discussed this issue with anyone before. that is why i'm going off here.
i won't discuss it with anyone because i don't want bad advise from people who know us and may be jealous of what we have.
And yes, I love her and cannot imagine being married to another woman. My brain stops at the gates of a divorce court. i can't imagine the rest of my life without her.

I'm just  a sad husband. But I believe with God I can be happy again. With her.

i also think that those who blame old fashion marriages missed the mark too. i have seen people who dated for 5 years , and still divorced after 1 year of marriage.

@funkybaby

I tried to talk to her and actually sent her an email before talking to her. she tells me there is no problem at all. she says that everything is just fine.
But i know better.

i have a completely different opinion to what has already been said here . . . sadhusband may have his issues but wifey is the problem here. BRB to explain further.

i think that those who say i talk to her the wrong way or abuse her verbally, don't understand the basics of a communication.
I can never be insulted by her no matter how hard she tried, because i want to hear everything she has to say. what i hate is shouting at me in public because i voiced an opinion. i don' t do that to her.
maturity dictates that you can handle information conveyed to you, no matter how insulting you think they are.