Hmmm,

President Goodluck Jonathan will be honouring his wife, the first lady Dame Patience Jonathan with the award of GCFR (Grammar Commander of The Federal Republic). Sources said this is due to the immense contributions of the first lady to English Language in Nigeria. Another reason for this prestigious award is that the first lady has affected a lot of lives positively with her humorous speeches that make Nigerians laugh and forget their sorrows.This according to Mr. President has increased the life span of an average Nigerian. Example of her speeches include:* Nigeria is a great CONTINENT.* My husband and Sambo IS good people.* I rather KILL myself than commit SUICIDE.* My fellow widows.* I travelled to abroad to rest in peace.* My husband is the best couple on earth.* The doctors are responding to treatment.* For those who said I speech bad English, I left them for God. *Ojukwu is dead, but his Manhood still lives on.* Na only you waka come?* Chai! Chai!! Chai!!! diaris God o...Please support and honour Nigeria first lady by sharing with all your contacts! Don't Laugh alone please ... It’s time to laugh

A signboard outside a restaurant read "eat as much as you can, your grand children will pay the Bill"... A man entered the restaurant and ate as he could, got a toothpick and was relaxing when the waiter gave him the bill he laughed and pointed to the signboard, don't you see, "only my grandchildren will pay" The waiter replied, "This is not your bill, it's your grandfather's Bill"...
As we prepare for Nigeria's historic election this weekend, think of how your vote will affect the unborn generation positively. Be wise with your vote, save Nigeria. God bless You.

simplemach:
These are the 'happening babes' of our time.
See nyash self self like snickers. Ugly girls na den do guy pass wallahi.

lols, I don't want 2 laugh ooo

Congratulations.

From Dr D.K Olukoya I saw it again. This time more scary. The end-time is more than nigh. It will happen like a flash unexpected and time shall be no more for repentance. In my dream, it was as if God shut his ears. I saw multitude of people running into a church. But inside that church, screaming and shouting everywhere; people making utterances to heaven. Behold it was as if a strange spirit entered into some people more clearly, I remember seeing an old man who was beside me whom they said spirit entered into and as he let out a cry, he disappeared and few other people. At that point, I realized that the rapture has taken place. I cried the more. Immediately, the ¬ devil took over and started making mockery of the left over Christians. He had a register of everyone's name...At this point, I woke up. The end is more than near. What breaks my heart the most is that many people in the church will not make it if Jesus comes now? Many are unaware that the end is near. Don't tell me that it's advancement in technology or development. If any area of your life is not in sync with God's word – Repent and be converted. If you miss heaven you can never miss hell... think about it. Hell is not a pretty place; the worst part is that it is for eternity... Don't keep this message and don't get annoyed when you receive this just do the whole world a favour and keep broadcasting the Lord Jesus coming, you might save a lost soul. Please rather than post and forward senseless messages. Send to everyone you know. Do the work of an evangelist. PLEASE SHARE THIS MESSAGE WITH ALL YOUR CONTACTS. Have you ever wondered what would have happened if we treat the Holy Bible the way we treat our mobile phone? And we really can't live without it. Only 7% will re-send this message. Don't be of the 93% who will not share the message. Satan said "I wonder how humans claim to Love God and disobey Him, and claim they hate me yet they obey me" Do not seem nd later, pls send now!

MEDICAL WARNING!! Don't drink water immediately after eating fish, because drinking water may cause the fish to start swimming and then you will feel gulugulu. Good Morning...do have a blessed and funfilled weekend.

DSTV Enough Is Enough!! Fellow Nigerians, let's ALL boycott DSTV & GoTv services of MultiChoice Nig Ltd from April 1st 2015 for their planned & exploitative tariff increase which they want to FOIST on the over 2 million subscribers they have in Nigeria on April 1st 2015 (See front pg 9/3/15 Guardian newspaper).

Enough is ENOUGH! Nigerians will ​no longer tolerate this! We will ​no longer tolerate the lack of Pay-as-you-Watch services they offer in South Africa & other countries but in Nigeria they keep our accounts run​ning even when ​we travel & there is no-one at home to utilize the service even though they know these Countries have less subscribers/population than Nigeria.

They must implement PAY-AS-U-WATCH in Nigeria on April 1st & lower tarifs, ​we insist on it, ​we are not April Fools! They must make that Pay-as-u-watch service EASY for Nigerians to access with ​no tricks or long queues to sign up for it. ​No more substandard decoders!! Their monopolostic exploitative tendencies must end in Nigeria!

As the Arab Spring brought change of Govt in the Middle East, this "DSTV Spring" must bring change, better services & lower prices come April 1st 2015 if ​we all unite as one!

PLEASE re-broadcast this to everyone on your WhatsApp, BBm & WeChat contact list, Tweet it, post it on your FB Status till our VOICE is heard & heeded to in their South African Head Office & this is done, Change Must Come!

DSTV Enough is Enough!

Laugh small
I was driving down a street along Alausa, having just
finished answering a call, when a policeman, suddenly,
opened the passenger door, entered and jam-locked it.
(The door lock is faulty)
As usual, he wanted ‘something’ from me for calling
while driving…
Suddenly, he saw the big Rothweiller dog, Jackie, at the
back seat of the car, with tongue stuck out, spittle
dripping and fangs barring, staring fiercely at him.
Policeman: (Shaking) Ah! You carry dog?
Me: (I bone face) Yes, I carry dog. Dat one na offense?
Policeman: (Feeling uncomfortable) Na where una dey
come from?
Me: From hospital.
Policeman: Ehen! you sick?
Me: No, na person wey the dog bite we go see. The
person
almost die sef.
Policeman: (Terribly shaken by now) Ehen! But why the
dog dey shake head like that?
Me: Na so im dey do if e wan bite person.
Policeman: The dog know you?
Me: Yes nah, no be my dog?
Policeman: (Sweating) This your door, how you dey open
am?
Me: How you take enter?
Policeman: Abeg! Na since I dey try open am, but e no
open. (The dog was now getting impatient and gave a
small growl, its tongue almost touching the policeman’s
left ear).
Policeman: (Now sliding forward) Oga, I take God beg
you, open the door for me make I comot. I no go collect
anythin from you.
Me: How much you go pay me?
Policeman: Ah! I neva hustle anythin since morning. Na
only N1,000 dey wit me.
Me: You neva ready. (I looked back at the dog).
Policeman: Ok ok ok ok ok, e reach N2,000. The oda
N1,000 na my wife own, but I go give you join.
(Now, close to tears as the dog was becoming really
impatient)
Oga, I be……g, Oga, sorry. Take the N2,000 make you
open the door plssssssse!
Me: Oya, bring am. (I collected the N2,000 & allowed
him out of the car)
Policeman: God punish you. Idiot, e no go ever better for
you and your yeye dog. Wicked man!!!

dharyour93:
FEAR DID

Abi ooo.

Pls kindly judge this matter.....I was in a taxi, chatting with my friend on whatsapp and suddenly discovered that the man sitting beside me was reading my conversation. Since I did not want to embarrass the man, so l decided to change the topic "Abeg oga, please tell Kabiru Sokoto or Abu Qaqa that I only took two of the bombs we just manufactured for this operation. Let them know as well that I may find it difficult to get to the target place before the bombs explode because there is terrible traffic jam now but nevertheless, I am sure casualty figure will be high since we are five in our taxi and all the vehicles in the traffic will be affected too. We have less than 3 minutes for the bomb to go off bye- bye and take care of my parents and siblings as agreed. The Man, without allowing the taxi to stop quickly opened the taxi door and jumped out and eventually died, pls who killed him?.. Me or Amebo?

I was sitting for "Use of English" in a
professional Exam last week . I shaded
the ones i knew, and was waiting for
manna to fall from Heaven when i
noticed an older lady sitting beside me. She
was shading and was not looking up. I
assumed she must be an English teacher
impersonating a candidate that must have
paid her handsomely.
Through the help of my long neck, i
peeped and checked her work, she was
in number 65, i was still in number 21
and time was running out.
I quickly thanked God and started
shading along with her. We got to
number 98 together, suddenly, she
looked up....guess who this lady
was,PATIENCE JONATHAN! She caught
me copying her and shouted in a low
tone; "What are it"?
"Why is you dey copying me"? "Copys!
copys"! "Cat copys Cats" "You is not
shaming"! "As big as you dey"! "You is
a dull boys"! "You are a disgrace to
your birthday". "I go reporter you to
cheachear" "I will make sure education
ministress comot ur surname inside his
list" "See u mumu
Na so i shout; heeeey! heeeeyyy!!!
heeeyyyy!!!
I am finished ooh, ooh, who has eraser
eeeehhhh!!!!! WAYOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Happy Friday everyone.

"Jonathan is running a government that is
supervising the syphoning of Nigeria’s
resources"-Senator Hilary Clinton
"Jonathan’s government is practically not
existing and therefore, America should just
help Nigerians"-US senator John Maccain.
"I do not think the Nigerian president is on
the right track. Why would he and his party
carry out this massive campaign in Ghana
when we all know that their country do not
vote online? It is misplaced, if you ask me."-
Ghana's President.
"I would rather commit suicide than ask the
international community to help safeguard my
country against militias, our country has a
strong army to do the job unlike Nigeria"-
Cameroon President
“I have never called the United Nations to
guard us. Me, Yoweri Museveni to say that I
have failed to protect my people and I call on
the UN: I would rather hang myself-Uganda
president.
“It would be a vote of no confidence in our
country and citizens if we cannot guarantee
our
security? What kind of persons would we
be?”- Senegal President
Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe said, "Nigeria
was so corrupt that you have to bribe a pilot
before
he could fly his passenger plane at Nigeria’s
airport".
We prioritized national security by developing
a strong Army, otherwise our Gabon would be
like
DRC, South Sudan, Somalia or Nigeria, where
militias have disappeared with school
children".
-Gabon President.
My fellow Americans, as commander in
chief,my highest priority is the security of the
American people-President Obama

It possible my frd.

D man try 4 Imo.

INEC suspends presidential election due to the fact that Buhari
wants to write the forthcoming SSCE WAEC.
Please bear with us.
pls dont re broadcast ooo na Joke abeg

Hmmm, don't no wat 2 say.

Nigerians no b fools.

lwise:
Olodo where is march 14,all these kids sha

. Na u b d OLODO u no fit read very well b4 u wil comment, who no hw u take pass 4 skul. U dey talk of kids I laugh 4 u.

They didn't know Febuhari & March is d same... Now see dis.........

March 1= M
March 2= U
March 3= H
March 4= A
March 5= M
March 6= M
March 7= A
March 8= D
March 9= U
March10= B
March11= U
March12= H
March13= A
March15= R
March16= I
March 17= Y
March 18= E
March 19= M
March 20= I
March 21= O
March 22= S
March 23= I
March 24= N
March 25= B
March 26= A
March 27= J
March 28= O
Change is coming by God's Grace

johnmartus:
[left] where is your source ?[s][/s][sup][/sup]

u don see ham na abi?

ELECTION NEWS UPDDATE

February 14 elections postponed by six weeks

The Independent National Electoral Commission
(INEC), has decided to postpone the February 14
presidential and legislative elections by six weeks.
According to an Associated Press (AP) report, this
development is to enable multinational force time,
to secure Boko Haram threatened areas in North
East Nigeria.
An official told AP that millions would have been
disenfranchised if the polls were conducted as
initially planned, while the insurgents continue to
control some cities in that region, with over 1.5
million people displaced from their homes.
More Military strikes are expected in the coming
days, even as troops from Chad and Nigeria have
forced the extremists from a dozen towns in recent
days.
INEC are expected to make an official
announcement at a press conference later on
Saturday.

I'm sure you'll have one reason not to die for any canditate contesting the forthcoming elections after reading this post. Just done with a meeting with a politician and he honestly told me that his wife and children will traveling to UK wednesday next week because of uncertainties about the elections. He also said most of his colleaugues already have their families outside the country. Those you are abusing, cursing and fighting yourself for aren't even borthered about you.

Poverty no good ooo.

Is it certificate he will use 2 solve d problem of Nigeria? We deceive ourselves.

ShowYourCertificate:
How can someone who doesn't have a certifcate participate in an intellectual debate?

[size=25pt]#BuhariShowYourCertificate[/size]

I pray it work out ooo.

I dey laugh 4 our leders, well thank u ooo, but change must take place sha.

Try 2 sit him down nd let him understand hw u feel about u guys sex life, u can tel him 2 see doctor, or buy harb 2 help him, cos his ur man,ur happiness nd ur everything. Good luck.

In this month,God will keep you and your family in perfect peace in Jesus Name..Good morning,HNM

Na wa ooo.