snugle:

Y do we keep asking questions we already know d answers to??, Guys just can't stand the thot of their chic or ex chic in anotha mans bed, so they want you back not because they really want you back, but because of the little overblown ego, just because of their pride, tryin to sell their cows and milk it,

@snugle.
Yes girl - that's definately a strong possiblity and is usually the case. However, I don't believe it is always that simple. I think there are many other circumstances that can play out. I have seen it. People don't always break up because they don't want eachother anymore. Sometimes they do it because they cannot figure out how to fix things and dont know what to do. That's the area of thought I am playing in - the not so obvious - the not so black and white.

@Vigasimple
I am a very confident woman  despite having my flaws, like everyone else. I am unapologetic about doing whats right for me.
I asked the question for a very particular reason - and here is one example: I dated a man for 6 years. Two years into the relationship he lost his job, moved in with me and couldn't find a job for the following two years. I would go to my classes at university and come back home to find him on the same spot on the couch where I left him that morning. He ran out of ambition or the will to pull himself up. I started to look after him financially while trying my best to encourage him to find an income. Sooner or later, he started to resent the fact that I was looking after him financially but he still was not motivated to do something about it. I told him I had to leave him if we could not work together in the relationship. At first, he had no reaction, I left. He ended up getting drunk, and he is still drunk to this day. To date - he has not had a job in almost 10 years and at 41 years old - he lives with his mother.

Last year, I fell in love with a man who I thought I was going to marry. This year he hit me because I expressed my unhappiness at the fact that he could go two, three weeks without calling or checking up on me. When he hit me he said it was because he was frustrated that I did not understand how busy he was at work. When I left him for hitting me - he spent all his time (despite saying he was "busy" trying to get me back.

Despite your unfair judgment  on my personality - I do not regret dumping either boyfriend in both cases. I loved them both deeply but I had to put my own well being first. When you respect yourself enough to let go of a love that is destroying you - you are a very strong person and you should be proud of yourself. Despite what someone does to you - sometimes, even when you know they are not good for you you wish you could hold on to them or that there was some way to make them see the errors of their ways and you can work things out. At times I have wished that a man I had to dump for my own well being - would make an effort to fix things before they go beyond fixing - sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. What I was hoping to get from you gentlemen was an enlightning discussion about what makes a man see the error of his ways when is woman has no recourse but to leave until he does.

Clearly, we are not on the same page.

Scopium:

You are in the business of dumping boyfriends. You do it with wheelbarrow, truck or lorry? I need the statiatics.

@Scopium
Dude, you are making huge assumptions here. I am 34 years old - I have never been married and I don't have any children. I am old enough to know when a man is not the right one for me and have no bones about letting hiom go if he is not willing to treat me well. Despite the fact that I would really love a solid and loving relationship - I will not keep a man who is not willing to love me the way I deserve to be loved. Just beacuse I said I have dumped boyfriends in the past does not make me a serial dumper and the conclusion you have come to is very unfair and short sighted.

Gentlemen (in particular - however, women are welcome),
I have a strange question. Can you please enlighten me? Have you ever been dumped by a woman in such a way that you really regretted doing it? I don't mean crazy women who end up trying to cut up your clothes or get revenge in some way. You may have lost interest in this woman before she dumped you but the way she did it made you ache to have her back, made you want her even more than you did in the beginning. What did she do? How? Why did you all of a sudden feel she was the bomb just because she dumped you if your interst was waning to begin with?
I'm not asking for the purposes of playing games with my brothers, I just want to understand what makes men tick in certain situations. 
I've noticed that when I've had to dump my past boyfriends - I've always done it differently, and I've always gotten different reactions. Some didn't care or even notice, some completely lost theior minds, buty I can't pin-point what I did to get such different reactions. Let me know what you think.

It's funny how just because the brother said he's not interested in girls - everyone is assumming he must be gay!
What's that about folks? There are people who are termed as "asexual". Asexual people just are not interested in sex or romance with either sex at all.

@ Bunna - Hey, listen you are only 20 years old with lots of life and experience ahead of you. You are still very much a work in progress. Don't let anyone make you feel like you are not normal. Everyone has their time to develop to another level of interests etc. Your's wil come if and when it is right for you. Maybe you are just smart and realise that it takes a very special person to engage your heart. The bottonm line right now is you're not feeling it and that's fine. Live by your own set of rules sweetheart and you'll be happy. There are lots of guys out there your age who not only are interested in girls but are ravaged by desies because of it and they have no future. Just chill and be you. Forget what anyone else thinks. Follow your heart,

@toksdam & gastavas:

Thanks for the support gentlemen. I can't believe he dosn't know what he could have with me but when he finally figures it out, I'm going to be so hot, so sexy, sooooooo sizzling. Unfortunately for him, I'll also be very much OUT OF REACH, And a man who deserves my attentions will be in his place.

@Scopium:

WORD!

Everything you guys said is truly awesome! I've only just joined Nairaland a couple of days ago and I'm begining to see I'm in REALLY good company!

omega25red:

@ shugalump i'm sure you have heard of having your cake and eating it too
this man is having his cake and eating it too honestly since you mentioned that this is not the first time this had happened i think he might be living a double life as in he has another family some where and he fights with you to be with them and he tells them he is going on a bussiness trip to be with you. you should look into this

Gosh at 34 you are still hot you shouldn't be taking this kind of crap from no one

@omega25red, Dude, I most definately know what you mean. Rest assured, I did a pretty thorough check on weather he's married or has some similar ficture and he definately isn't - he's just a crappy boyfriend, that's all. I won't rule out the fact theat he may have several women on the go at once though, you never know. I'm certainly not taking his crap and I don't plan on taking him back should he choose to re-appear. He's on his own now,

bebe2007:


@shugalump,

Yeah i feel you, i have been through that road, one question though, when your man gives you the cold shoulder for say three weeks is that love? i mean can one honestly say he loves you? peeps, we need answers because i really wonder.

Silent treatment from my boyfriend is still affecting our relationship till date, he played it with the wrong person, we both refused to relent in a long while and lost all that time. Lets hope we pull through. If you are into this just like i was, please stop in God's name its evil.

@ bebe2007. Girl, one thing I have learnt in all my years is that people have different ways of showing and giving love. For some people - that's a learning process. What I'm trying to say is, it's easy to assume that if someone does not contact you for three weeks it means they don't love you. But perhaps that's a very simplistic view. We all have baggage and reasons for doing what we do. Those reasons could be things we have never thought of before. What messes everything up for me is when you let someone know they are hurting you and making you unhappy by doing certain things and they continue to do it anyway. Now that's where you can distinguish between love and games in their actions. If you love your man - put the pride down and stop playing the games with silent traeatment. One of you has to at least try to break the cycle - for good. Or you risk losing eachother. I think I've finally arrived at a point where I can let my man go. I'm working on it. I'm looking hotter than I ever have and I'm about to get my groove on.

laudate:

Hmmn. . . . .interesting perspective! Shugalump, do you want the honest truth? Dat guy doesn't love you. . .ehm, let me re-phrase that. He loves himself more than he loves you. !

@laudate. We should all love ourselves MORE than we love a partner. I'll always make sure I put myself first in any relationship in the sense that I could never tolerate his abuse just to please hima and make his stay with me. Aside from that - the little sh!t just couldn't handle loving me ENOUGH. Clearly the loss is his.

Orikinla:


Shugalump,
The man that has chosen to ignore you for three weeks is a very evil and wicked man.
Even if he comes back to ask for your forgiveness, PLEASE BEWARE OF HIM.

Life is too precious to be traumatized.

Steer away from anything or anyone that makes you unhappy.

Everybody deserves to have peace of mind.

@Orikinla. PREACH BRODA PREACH! ORIKINLA FOR PRESIDENT! 

@omega25red, Thanks for that. I definately agree with what you said. However, it's still confusing to me. He's done this before and has come back when I left him to his own devices. Furthermore, he tells our mutual friends how much he loves me blahblahblah, Why go through all that if you are not serious? It just dosn't make any sense on his part to behave that way. I'm 34 in December and he's 41 - we're too grown to behave so ugly.

@Seun - you are the business! That's just the attitude I need to adopt. Many thanks.

Tonak, remember this - at some point we all have to learn something the hard way. At this point - it's you're turn.
I'm so sorry about what happened. However, this is your chance to change everything between you now - for the better. Stop the silent treatment cycle you keep putting your wife on and just talk to her. Tell her what you feel when you fight.
I love my man so much, I would forgive all the silent treatment pain he ever put me through if he showed an effort to change and did it sincerely. You're wife shouldn't stop loving you because of what happened. Bare you're soul and leave your pride at the door, learn to forgive and she will do the same.

Good luck!

Toksdam, I'm still trying to recover my heart from some idiot on VI. He ransacked it like the emotional dwarf he is. I know I'll get it back and when I do - he'll definately be sorry. Since he took it I have been concentrating on myself, my body, my spirit, my future. Next time he sees me he's going to die because now I look 10 times hotter, my career has opened 10 more doors for me and I'm about to get 100 times stronger.

I don't know why everyone is making this a 'Western" men. I am currently trying to get over a man who fits your description perfectly, and guess what - he's VERY much a Naija man. I think emotional in-availability is about the man and his baggage. It has very little to do with the geography of where he comes from,

Guys, please help me here because I'm so confused and in pain that I can't see straight.

Met the love of my life early this year and of course everything was amazing. He stood me up three months later when we were supposed to meet for dinner and when I asked him (angrily) why he stood me up and didn't call me for 2 days afterwards - His reaction was not to talk to me at all, for another 3 months.

He then came back to me saying he was serious having the right woman and he wanted me back. I took him back. He since asked me to move closer to him etc and everything was fantastic until about a month ago. He just stopped contacting me again out of the blue. When I asked why our communication seemed to be getting worse, he told me he was extremely busy at work. 3 weeks passed and I eventually lost my temper and told him I would not stand for it. I said he would not hear from me again until he was ready to invest his time and affection in the relationship. I told him that last week on Monday - now it's Thursday and no word from him.

He tells his friends he loves me - some of our friends are mutual. But I'm confused. We come from different cultures. Could this be the problem? Is this how Naija men handle their women or is this just about what a nasty boyfriend he is? Never the less - I'm finding it difficult to let this go without knowing if there is hope that everything will be OK. I almost think if he just came out with it and dumped me - at least I would know where I stand and moving on would be much easier.

How patient should one be in the beginning of a relationship when there is still much to understand about eachother? Does anyone ever really survive the ON again OFF again relationship?

Please, advice would be like medicine for the soul right now.

Orikinla, True this! I'm a woman suffering under silent treatment from my man. Only problem is I can't really understand why. He wasn't paying me enough affection - only conatcting me when he felt like it and not responding to my calls and sms's when he feels like it. I let him know I was unhappy with his lack of communication in our relationship. The next thing I knew - he went completely silent. Now he has not conatcted me for about three weeks now and if I call him he won't pick up. If I email him - he won't respond. This is causing me untod pain. I wish he would just say he dosent want me so I can move on. I feel arrested and paralysed by his behaviour.