₦airaland Forum

[color=#000075]

jennyjatt:
, Do Aptech or NIIT students have lots of job opportunities?

Well, I am sure if there are lots of opportunities out there as they claim, but there's nothing wrong in equipping yourself and going out there to get the job u desire.
Good Speed.[/color]

[color=#000075]Hello.

View more of these jokes on[/color] [color=#000075]EnterTAME[/color] _[click]

[color=#000075]Smiles are very expensive!

Keep smiling.[/color]

[color=#000075]Non Musical?
What's worse than having termites in your piano?

Crabs on your organ. [/color]

[color=#000075]The Bikers Interview
A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.
She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.

She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club."

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join.

So the biker asked her, "You have a bike?"
The little old lady said, "Yeah, that's my Harley over there," and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.

The biker asked her, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady said, "Yeah, I smoke. I smoke four packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."

The biker was impressed and asked, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady said, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."
[/color]

[color=#000075]@temmysexy
Thnks. Glad it make u smile. Keep smiling, !

Named DICK
Dr. Phil was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers and their young children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said, "You are so obsessed with EATING you've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is with MONEY. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, PENNY."

He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is ALCOHOL. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, BRANDY."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on[/color] [color=#750000]DICK[/color][color=#000075], we're leaving."
[/color]

[color=#000075]You know you're having a bad day . . .
You know you're having a bad day when your twin sister forgets your birthday![/color]

[color=#000075]5 Presidents
Five top politicians are on a plane: Musa, Gowon, IBB, Buhari, Obj.
Musa says, "I will make someone happy!" and throws a thousand naira note off the plane.
Gowon says, "I will make five people happy!" and throws 5 one thousand naira notes off the plane.
IBB says, "I will make 500 people happy!" and throws 500 one thousand naira notes off the plane.
Buhari says, "I will make the whole country happy!" and throws Obj off the plane.
[/color]

[color=#000075]Viagra Coffee & Location
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
[/color]

[color=#000075]Analysis of the F word
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word “f***”. It is the one magical word, which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language, “f***” falls into many grammatical categories.

It can be used as a verb -
both transitive (Mary f***ed John)
and intransitive (John was f***ed by Mary).

It can be an action verb (John really gives a f***),
a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a f***),
an adverb (Mary is f***ing interested in John),
or as a noun (Mary is a terrific f***).

It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is f***ing beautiful)
or an interjection (f***! I'm late for my date with Mary).

It can even be used as a conjunction (John is ugly, f***, he's also stupid).

As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word “f***.”

Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
1) Surprise -- “What the f*** are you doing here?”
2) Fraud -- “I got f***ed by the car dealer.”
3) Resignation -- “Oh, f*** it!”
4) Trouble -- “I guess I'm f***ed now.”
5) Aggression -- “f*** YOU!”
6) Disgust -- “f*** me.”
7) Confusion -- “What the f***, ?”
8 ) Difficulty -- “I don't understand this f***ing business!”
9) Despair -- “f***ed again, ”
10) Pleasure -- “I f***ing couldn't be happier.”
11) Displeasure -- “What the f*** is going on here?”
12) Lost -- “Where the f*** are we?”
13) Disbelief -- “UN-f***ING-BELIEVABLE!”
14) Retaliation -- “Up your f***ing ass!”
15) Denial -- “I didn't f***ing do it.”
16) Perplexity -- “I know f***-all about it.”
17) Apathy -- “Who really gives a f***, anyhow?”
18) Greetings -- “How the f*** are ya?”
19) Suspicion -- “Who the f*** are you?”
20) Panic -- “Let's get the f*** out of here.”
21) Directions -- “f*** off.”
22) Awe -- “How the f*** did you do that?”

It can be used in an anatomical description -- “He's a f***ing asshole.”
It can be used to tell time -- “It's five f***ing thirty.”
It can be used in business -- “How did I wind up with this f***ing job?”
It can be maternal -- “Motherf***er.”
It can be political -- “f*** Clinton!”

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:
“What the f*** was that?” -- Mayor of Hiroshima
“Where did all these f***ing Indians come from?” -- General Custer
“That's not a real f***ing gun, is it?” -- John Lennon
“Who's going to f***ing find out?” -- Richard Nixon
“Why the f*** did that apple hit me?” -- Issac Newton
“Heads are going to f***ing roll.” -- Marie Antoinette
“I could have used a f***ing map.” -- Ulysses
“Where the f*** is all this water coming from?” -- Captain of the Titanic
“Any f***ing idiot could understand that.” -- Albert Einstein
“It DOES SO f***ing look like her!” -- Picasso
“Okay, I know, we'll build this BIG f***ing wall to keep them out.” -- Emperor of the Ch'in Dynasty
“I can't believe I just f***ing said that.” -- Patrick Henry
“f***ing backstabbers!” -- Julius Caesar
“You want what on the f***ing ceiling?” -- Michelangelo
“MouthAction is not f***ing!” -- Bill Clinton
“Where is that f***ing pizza guy?” -- Elvis
“Why? Because its f***ing there!” -- Sir Edmund Hilary
“I don't suppose its going to f***ing rain?” -- Joan of Arc
“Scattered f***ing showers my ass.” -- Noah
“I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in my head.” -- John F. Kennedy
“What are the f***ing chances I'm going to heaven?” -- Adolf Hitler
“Hey, where the f*** are your turbans?” -- Christopher Columbus when he discovered the “Indians”.
[/color]

[color=#000075]Simply Politics
A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?"

His dad replies, "Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capitalism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that."

So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his diaper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed.

The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now."

"You do? Tell me."

"OK, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government[/b]is sound asleep, while the [b]people are watching the future being pooped [/color]

[color=#000075]A Drunks asked a Clergy
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man!"

"Well, I'll be damned!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I shouldn't have been so unpleasant about it. Tell me, how long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father -- I was just reading here that the Pope does!" [/color]

[color=#000075]3 Guys go to Heaven
Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.

"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"None. I had a perfect marriage."
"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes."

And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.
"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Honda-End of Discussion.

"And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.
"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Peugeot 504."

Later that day, the guy in the Honda-End of Discussion sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.
"What's wrong?"
"I just saw my wife."
"So?"

"She was riding a BICYCLE!" [/color]

[color=#000075]Good Vibrations
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing!?!" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing!?!" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later, the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.

Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television, with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she asked in shock.

He replied, "What's it look like? I'm watching the game with my son-in-law." [/color]

[color=#000075]Advanced Technology

A Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced medical technology. He said, "We take the lungs out of a man, perform an operation, put the lungs back in, and in 4 weeks, the man is looking for work."

An Englishman said, "We are far more advanced than you. We can take the heart out of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3 weeks."

The Irishman says, "That's nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man, put into another man's body and have them looking for work in 2 weeks."

The Nigerian says, "Well hell, that's nothin'. We had an idiot taken out of prison, put him in the StateHouse and now half the country is lookin' for work!" [/color]

[color=#000075]Idea plenty for this forum oh!
Ride on Guys!
We shall all Succeed in our different pursuits and endeavours!
This generation shall be the BEST generation Naija has ever Got!

Well done brothers and Sisters![/color]

[color=#000075]Couldn't resist this:

Playing Doctor
Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.

"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.

When he heard this, the little boy started to wail!.

"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.

The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."
[/color]

[color=#000075]Thanks y'all.
One for the road . . .

Baby Talk
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," said his mom, "Of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!" [/color]

[color=#000075]Till later.
If u want more, see Comedy Central
or
EnterTaME.

Nice weekend, y'all! [/color]

[color=#000075]Insulting Parrot
A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way.

On the way home, she passed by the pet-store again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!"

She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird.

The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said.

"Yes?", she answered

"You know naw!" with a WINK![/color]

[color=#000075]Hooligan HiJinx
A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells "Give me a Budweiser, or, !"

Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns.

"Give me a Budweiser, or, !"

"O-o-o-o-r-r-r, w-w-what?" stammers the bartender.

"A small Coke."[/color]

[color=#000075]Religious Nuts
There were four country churches in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

_{Source: Comedy Central} [/color]

[color=#000075]Future Handicapping
Papa Iyabo was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."

Papa Iyabo said, "No problem. I'll take you there on the Presidential Jet".

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."

Papa Iyabo said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"

Papa Iyabo is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!" [/color]

[color=#000075]Charging by the Hour
A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates.
To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.
To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!" [/color]

[color=#000075]Comdom Count
A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.

Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"

Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."

Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"

Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."

Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"

Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March." [/color]

[color=#000075]Mysterious Death bed
There was this case in the hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning at 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural.

Why the death?

So the doctors decide to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents.

So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses were so scared and nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil,

Just when the clock struck 11,




, Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
[/color]

[color=#000075]Little Big Fart
There was this Indian chief who was straining to blow a fart but it wouldn't come out.

So he sent his little messenger boy to the doctor and he says, ''Big chief, no fart.''

The doctor gives him a can of beans and tells him to come back tommorrow to tell him what happened.

The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.''

The doctor gives him 10 cans of beans this time.

The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.'' The doctor gives him 100 cans of beans.

The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.''

The doctor gives him 10, 000 cans of beans and says, ''If this doesn't work then nothing will.''

The messenger boy comes back the next day and looks at the doctor.

The doctor anxiously asked, ''Well, did it work?''

The messenger boy says, ''Big fart, no chief!" [/color]

[color=#000075]Hot Wife, Pooped Husband
A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously upset.

"What's the matter, buddy?" asks the bartender.

"It's a long story. I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the edge by my fingernails without any clothes on!''

''Gee, that's tough!'' commiserated the bartender.

''Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated. When her husband came into the room, he wanted to have sex with her -- but he had to piss first. And the lazy son of a bitch pissed out the window right onto my head!"

''Yeech! No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

''Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really made me mad. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my goddamned forehead!''

''Damn, that really is a drag!''

''Oh, I'm not finished! See, what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. Turns out that their toilet was broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!''

''That would sure mess up my day."

''Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!'' [/color]

[color=#000075]On the Roof
A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."

The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.''

The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how's Mom?" asked the man.

"She's on the roof and won't come down."[/color]

[color=#000075]Groundnut "Thiefing" - M&M Peanuts
An old man and a young man work together in an office.
The old man always has a bottle of groundnuts (peanuts) on his desk, and the young man really loves groundnuts.

One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and quickly eats over half of the contents of the bottle.
When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.

And the nice old man answered . . .
"Don't worry, son. I never eat the groundnuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is lick off the chocolate off the M&M's."

_{(i.e. the toothless old man licks off the chocolate covering of the M&M peanuts and keeps the groundnut in the Bottle!)}[/color]

[color=#000075]@Rockchic
Basically the first response your issue will draw is "forget the dude and move on", but there's also the aspect of he/she wearing the shoe knowing where it pinches most.
How long hav u dated this guy?
How financially buoyant is he? If you are also employed, wont it be a plus to the relationship/future family?
What are his actual reasons for the "Vision 2013" _(2008+5)?
Have you tried having a dialogue with him to find out his reason(s) for the 5-yr stretch?
Is there any possibility for a "Vision 2010 or 2011"?
How strong is your relationship with him?
What kind of personality is your guy?
What is his background and upbringing like?
What is the intensity of his love for you _{(on a scale of 1 to 10)}?
How strong are both of you spiritually?
Or is HE looking for an easy exit from d relationship?

So before you take any decision, be it leave or stay, I guess you shld explore all available options thoroughly.
Dialogue, remains an import tool to use.

Best of Success and Godspeed!
[/color]

nobilia:
Poster, you are asking the above question because of your predicament and everybody that answered have answered well but it all depends on your personal situation. ,

[color=#000075]
Nobilia seems to have wrapped it all up.

@Homebase, it really depends on you.
There are people whose folks didnt have a record of their birth, yet they chose a "functional age" which they hav been working and living with.
By how many years were u asked to make d reduction? What benefits do u hav to gain?
What other options do you have? How well have you explored those other options?
I guess people can only giv u advice but it's upto u to make the informed decision and stand by that decision.
AGE aint NOTHING but a number!!
God's speed[/color]

tufe:
ROTFLMAO

the last post is so damn funny. hehe

[color=#000075]Thanks.[/color]