₦airaland Forum

FROM THE MEMOIRS OF A MAD DOCTOR (1)

One thing that aggravates my nerves in these terrible times is the huge neon sign in front of Benitex Supermarket which pompously announces that thieves will be prosecuted. Now everybody knows that its owner, Ben Tojo, was an accountant who had stolen public money. And yet people submit themselves to all sorts of indignities in the hands of his security agents. Recently, a man was publicly flogged for stealing a loaf of bread. Each time I passed by this colossal empire of fraud, I develop skin rashes. Until I decided I could no longer bear the pain. The urge to do something desperate overcome me…..

For about a week now, I’ve been going inside the supermarket and walking off with anything I could lay my hands on. I’m convinced that the guards and the attendants have seen me. And yet nobody had challenged me. Yesterday, I took a giant bottle of Aramis perfume. After spraying the contents in the air, I walked off with the empty bottle. I thought I would be challenged outside but nobody came. So I decided to change my approach. I walked in this morning with some of the things I had taken and dumped them right in front of one of the female cashiers.
‘Looks as if your guards are not as efficient as it is claimed. I’ve helped myself to all this over the past few days. There are a few more at home,’ I said with a shrug.

The cashier examined me intently and then examined the goods intently.
‘All these are stolen goods,’ she said.
‘All these are stolen goods,’ I replied, gesticulating wildly at everything in the supermarket, including workers and shoppers.
‘Thieves are normally prosecuted,’ she said.
‘I thought so too!’ I said with bitter scorn.
‘We can drop the charge if you are willing to pay for them,’ she whispered to me in a very conciliatory manner.
‘So can we!’ I screamed.
By this time, the shoppers who had queued behind me were openly expressing their impatience and irritation. The cashier became agitated. Frantically, she picked up the intercom.
‘There is a man here who had returned some stolen goods. I can’t make head or tail of what he is saying. Sounds mentally disturbed,’ she said and asked me to move aside for other shoppers.
‘Next customer, please.’
Almost immediately, two hefty-looking uniformed men appeared. Each wore an ominous pair of glasses.
‘Is this the man?’ one of them asked.
‘Yes,’ the lady replied.
‘Oga, follow us,’ he said.
There were shouts of, ‘thief, thief!’ at my heels as I followed them.

Very soon, the door of what was nothing but a modern torture chamber suddenly swung open and I was elbowed in. I will never forget the horror and revulsion I felt on entering that place. Whips and lashes of all sizes and shapes, from the tender-looking to the most threatening grotesque were neatly stockpiled. A giant machine for administering electric shocks stood in the middle of the room. Ties, rags, dirty wigs, abandoned trousers, torn blouses littered everywhere. There were tiny specks of dried blood on the bare floor. Behind a desk sat a huge, potbellied man whose enormous lips and massive nose gave one the impression of a rhinoceros in a crouch. If I felt dizzy with fear and premonition, I decided not to show it.
‘Hmmm, looks as if Ben had invested his loot wisely after all. You need millions to protect stolen millions,’ I muttered.

‘What is he saying?’ the rhinoceros growled.
‘I think he is mad,’ one of his mates observed.
‘Well, if he is pretending to be mad, he wouldn’t have to pretend for long. He will really go mad when I lay my hands on his testicles,’ the rhino said and got up with a fearsome scowl.

By now, I realized that our earlier description of his size was a vast understatement.He was as gigantic as Giant Alakuku, and his belly, shaped like an elephant worm, threatened to burst the seam of his trousers. He began to scratch his manhood in sadistic anticipation.
‘Sit down!’ one of them barked at me, pointing at the bare floor.
‘Only my dead body will sit on that floor,’ I said.
‘You may be right. Who knows whether by the time you get there, you may actually be dead!’ one of them said as they fastened on me and bore me down.
‘Now you will need to do as you are told. How many stubborn goats like you have become men of yesterday? All we need to do is to throw out your body when it is dark. The rest of the job is for the city council,’ one of them said as I writhed on the floor.
‘Now, what is his case again?’ the rhino asked impatiently.
‘He returned some goods he had stolen,’ one of them said.
‘I still have others at home,’ I protested.
The rhinoceros completely ignored me. He began to chew his big finger as he figured out his verdict.
‘Hmmmm, at least he is partially honest. If half of the bastards are like this, we wouldn’t be sustaining these terrible losses,’ he growled.
‘You are right,’ one of them said.
‘So therefore, let him have thirty strokes as a warning. Give me a grade C koboko there,’ the rhino said, pointing at the stockpile of whips.
‘Not on your life! I want to be taken to court. Thieves are supposed to be prosecuted,’ I shouted.
‘Do you want to go to court? Can a church rat like you who cannot afford a decent meal afford a lawyer?’ one of the men shouted.

‘Incidentally, what do you do for a living?’ the rhino thundered impatiently.
‘I cure mad men. But it does appear that there are more mad men outside the asylum than inside,’ I said casually.
‘I think his head has knocked!’ one of them observed with cynical glee.
‘What do you do for a living?’ the rhino rumbled again with irritation.
‘I’ve told you,’ I said and tossed my ID card at them.
One of the men picked it up.
‘How do we know you didn’t steal this either?’ he asked without much confidence.
‘Let me have it’, the rhino growled.

The card was handed over to him and soon he began to look at the card and back at me all over in doubt and despair. I could now read confusion on their faces. I decided to make my move.
‘And now gentlemen – if I may ask you a foolish question – what do you do for a living?’ I asked springing up.

There was a tense silence.
‘Isn’t that clear to you?’ one of them said.
‘Are you blind?’ the others chorused.
‘We work for Sonny Security – if you want to know,’ the rhino said.
‘I see. It is even worse than I thought. You make millions for your boss protecting stolen millions,’ I said with sympathy.
They all stared at me in incomprehension. Only the rhino began to squint.
‘Isn’t it funny that a man of your education and standing in the society should become a petty thief?’ the rhino growled at last, eyeing me with suspicion and unease.
‘Exactly, That is the question I want to put to Ben,’ I said with a smile.
The men looked at themselves.
‘Who is this Ben he is talking about?’ one of them asked his mates.
“So you don’t even know the name of the owner of the supermarket?’ I sneered.
‘I think he is getting on to something dangerous,’ the rhino said.

At this time, a private door opened and a spare, medium-sized man in an elegant French suit walked in. I instantly recognized Ben Tojo: dapper accountant, dapper playboy, dapper swindler.
‘Who is this man?’ he screamed, sensing from their expression that something was amiss.
‘He returned some of the goods he has stolen, and…’ one of them began.
‘And since then he has been harassing us,’ the rhino concluded miserably.

Ben Tojo looked at the ID card on the desk and looked back at me in nervous alarm. I walked to the desk and picked the card. Calmly, I put it back in my pocket.
‘Ben, there is really no harassment,’ I began, addressing him with disarming familiarity. ‘They asked me whether it isn’t funny that a man of my education and standing in the society should be a petty thief and I said I have the same question for you.’
The men looked at one another in disbelief.
‘Let him go, he is a mad man!’ Ben screamed and they all pushed me out like a pest.

On my way out, I seized another giant bottle of Aramis perfume and emptied its content in the air.

Tatalo Alamu (My very own mentor)