Two weeks on,
Taofeeqah
Ramadan is finally here and I am no longer feeling melancholy about it, although I would say I am nervous because its been years I fasted. Also, it's the month of blessings and I am anxious to have all the reward therein. I want this Ramadan to be the turning point of my life, its been years I prayed for anything at all and I heard this month had one special night of Destiny that comes with abundance blessings. So I want it all!
My parents are not left out in the fervor of Ramadan. They planned every activities they intend to engage in from Day one till the last day of Ramadan. My mom volunteered to be part of the cooking committee at the central mosque, she's a retiree caterer who once owned a mini restaurant before she sold it and decided to stay at home as a senior citizen who needed to reduce stress. I learnt for the past five years, mom has been writing book about her life's journey (I wondered what could be so interesting in her life anyway) and together with dad they invested their retirement money in real estate and large scale farming.
There's still friction between me and my parents, there has always been friction anyway and I guess it will be that way forever. Because I do not know them and I can say its vice versa. Who they were when I was a child is completely different from who they are now. Strange then, strangier now.
With all their plans that excluded me and made me realize that Dad planned to move into the mosque till the end of the blessed month, which means I will be all alone by myself because wherever my dad goes my mom goes too and i am not excted about the prospect of being left alone. I would have tag along with mom's cooking committee but I dread that mosque. I don't desire to be in the same breathing space with Kawthar and whoever that must have heard the rumor about our fight and my ugly past. But I intend to have the best Ramadan, so I set out to look for Musa maybe he can help a newbie like me have the best of this holy month. It was long after morning prayer when I got to the mosque. I knew it would be scanty and I can make do with lesser people.
"As salaam alaykum" I greeted from the female side
"Wa alaykum salaam" he answered
"It's me Taofeeqah, I want to talk to you"
A minute silence. Then came the loud chuckle which I rolled my eyes at because nothing was funny then he said
"the fighter"
"Really?" I said rolling my eyes again
"the runaway hajia" he said
"OK, enough with the name-calling. Can we talk?" I asked
"I'm all ears" was his reply
But then I am still at the female side with this big board barrier between us. I have never had a communication with someone we are not staring at each other's faces. This is so strange! I wondered if it's another Islamic principle.
"You're not saying anything?" he ask
"I don't know. I'm not comfortable talking with this big barrier between us. I have never communicated that way before. Would we go to hell fire if we talk face to face?"
And then he started laughing like mad. The laughter was wide and loud like that of a crowd. But I was certain he was alone, maybe not.
"I guess not. Come to the male side please" he said
I got to the male side I saw him sitting on a plastic chair behind a plastic table with two other brothers at his side. I groaned in embarrassment because they laughed at me. After exchanging greetings with them, Musa ask me if I am comfortable talking in their presence, before I could reply the brothers moved to the farther end of the mosque.
"How have you been?" he asks
"Alhamdulillah. How about you?"
"Fine, thanks to Allah"
"Ramadan is starting next tomorrow, I don't know anything about it except fasting. I am certain it is more than that. I will like you to tell me what I can do to earn rewards and have the best Ramadan" I said
"Ramadan involves you fasting from dawn to sunset, staying away from fighting, backbiting, lying, using bad languages and every bad qualities. Do your best to get rid of bad intentions and avoid sinning. Do plenty sadaaqah(charity) discretely of course, read the holy Qur'an, pray each solaat at the right time, do dhikr(remembrance of Allah), perform tahjjud and you will be rewarded bountifully in shaa Allah. All these good deeds will boost your spiritual life and help you to adopt good habits. Remember, ask forgiveness and all the goodness you desire in this life and thereafter. I hope I am not boring you?" he asks
"Of course not. I think I can do all these except the reading of Qur'an. I don't know how to" I says
"You can read the English version. After Ramadan inshaa Allah we will fix it. Any more questions?"
"No, thank you very much"
"You're welcome ukhti" he said smiling at me".

Musa

I got back to the mosque right in time for ishai, for the first time in a long while some brother led the solat which I am grateful for. It's not like it was my sole right to lead solat, but the brothers here are so relaxed and really do not care about who led the solat or not. And I don't mind doing it, not because I was selfish or feeling too proud to pray behind another brother but because I just wanted to be close to Allah every seconds of the day. I'm always in the clean mode doing dhikr(remembrance of Allah) when I'm not praying. But tonight for the first time in many months I'm distracted. I couldn't stop thinking about the sister's problem. It's just so similar to mine; no one believed her story, and she's living to deal with rumors. It's so sad, hard,difficult to be that person who can't walk the street with your head up high because people are circulating rumors about you. Me intervening in the sister's problem made me realize the things I was doing wrong. My original intent of coming to the mosque was to seek answer from Allah why these things happened to me. The questions that kept raging in my mind were:
"Why was Musa orphaned?"
"Why did Musa face so much hardship while growing up?"
"Why did Musa married the wrong woman?"
"Why did Musa have to marry a woman who never loved him?"
"Why did you allow those vicious rumors to be spread about Musa?"
"Why Musa?"
But why not Musa? Really!

Tonight I told the sister to let go because its just life trials and it only happen here on Earth. And here I am in the mosque dwelling on my problems for close to two years. I didn't even thank Allah for those trials!
Astaghafirillah!

Ya Allah! I have erred. Forgive me my errors.

After the Ishai prayer, together with Imam Hussein we approached Jamaldeen and his wife. I'm not much of a talker but I left a Qur'anic verse for her to think on, that is if she really believed in Allah and the judgement day. I hope when she read surah Al-hujurat and An-Nur she will learn that it's wrong for a Muslim to spread rumors, gossip of another person.

Islam was suppose to bring out the best in people, they were supposed to have beautiful characters but it just so sad many Muslims are very good with Qur'an recitation but are poor in speech nor do they act according to what they believe in.
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