ARMY GENERAL : "Private Carson I don't remember seeing you in camouflage class today!"

SOLDIER : "oh, Thank you very much sir."

_ _ _

How to Cook a Turkey

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the burkey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

_ _ _

A young boy was teaching mathematics to a young girl, saying that this was his practical.

He kissed her once; he then kissed her again; he kissed her a third time adding "There, thats addition".

She silently gave him the kisses back sweetly saying " So that will be subtraction?".

They then kissed each other at the same time. Both smiled and said together "That's multiplication.”

Just at that moment, the young girls father opened the door and caught them. He then kicked the boy out of the window of the room shouting "That's LONG DIVISION you ediot".

Two men were walking outside a graveyard in Germany when they heard strange musical notes coming from one of the graves. Teeth
chattering, one of the men asked the other, "What the heck is that sound?"

The other man said: "Oh, that must be Beethoven's grave. He is decomposing"

_ _ _


Son: Mom, everyone in school is teasing
me calling me a
werewolf.

Mom: Don't bother
about them son.
Now sit down still
so that I can 'comb
your face'.

_ _ _

Employee: I got to have salary increment. Three other companies are after me.

Boss: Really? Which are the three companies?

Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.

I applied for a job with a building society the other day. I studiously completed the application form and gave it back to the Manager who read through it and when he had finished said "With your credentials, I have the perfect opening for you"

"Great" I replied happily while rubbing my palms together, "and what kind of opening is that sir"

"It's called the door" he said pointing, "Now get the hell out of my office", he screamed.

During a trial The court becomes crowded and rowdy.

Judge: Order! Order!

Culprit: oh yeah, I will have Two hamburgers and a soda please.

_ _ _

During a manifesto the Political leader is giving a speech:

POLITICIAN: If you vote for me, I will build a bridge for you.

MASSES(confused): But we don’t have any river in our town.

POLITICIAN: oh that's not an issue, I will 'dig a
river' and then 'build the bridge'

Boyfriend: Can we have a battle of intelligence between us?

Girlfriend: No thanks, I can never fight an 'unarmed person'

_ _ _

A sign board outside a restaurant said:

"Eat as much as you can and let your grandchildren pay the bill"

A man entered the restaurant, ate as much as he can and when the waiter gave him the bill he pointed to the sign board, "Don't you see, only my grandchild needs to pay for this bill".

The waiter said, "I understand Sir, this is not your bill. It is actually your grandfather's bill".

A king offered half his kingdom or a 1000 kilos of gold or his daughter's hand in marriage if any brave man could cross a river full of poisonous snakes and crocodiles.

No one volunteered but one young man jumped in to the river and crossed it without any difficulty.

The king asked: "What do you want brave man, half of my kingdom?"

The man said: "No your majesty"

King: "Then the 1000 kilos of gold?"

Man: "No your majesty"

King: "Then my daughter's hand in marriage?"

Man: "No your majesty"

King: "Then what is it that you want?"

Man: "The name of the person who pushed me in the darned river".

During a family quiz the husband was asked:

Mod: sir, Do u know the meaning of wife?

Husband: 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'.

Wife on hearing replies: It also means 'With ediot For Ever'.

_ _ _


Judge: The last time I saw you in the court, I told you that I never ever wanted you to come here again. Isn't that true?

Accused: Thats what I told the police your
honor, but they didnt listen to me.

_ _ _

Beggar: Actually I am an author. I wrote '100 ways to become rich'

Mr. Roger: Then why are you begging?

Beggar: err, This is actually one of the ways to become rich.

lilkech: I applied for a job with a building society the other day. I studiously completed the application form and gave it back to the Manager who read through it and when he had finished said "With your credentials, I have the perfect opening for you"

"Great" I replied happily while rubbing my palms together, "and what kind of opening is that sir"

"It's called the door" he said pointing, "Now get the hell out of my office", he screamed.

lilkech: During a trial The court becomes crowded and rowdy.

Judge: Order! Order!

Culprit: oh yeah, I will have Two hamburgers and a soda please.

_ _ _

During a manifesto the Political leader is giving a speech:

POLITICIAN: If you vote for me, I will build a bridge for you.

MASSES(confused): But we don’t have any river in our town.

POLITICIAN: oh that's not an issue, I will 'dig a
river' and then 'build the bridge'

lilkech: I applied for a job with a building society the other day. I studiously completed the application form and gave it back to the Manager who read through it and when he had finished said "With your credentials, I have the perfect opening for you"

"Great" I replied happily while rubbing my palms together, "and what kind of opening is that sir"

"It's called the door" he said pointing, "Now get the hell out of my office", he screamed.

ah.....my sides hurt! You haff kill me with lafta! Haha! Nice one.....

^^^

Thanx

Good collection. Keep em coming

Nice one OP you make my evening Gba

Bump