Actual answering machine messages recorded and verified by the world famous international institute of answering machine answers:
1.) My wife and i can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished washing dishes.

2.) A is for academics, b is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

3.) Hi, this is john: if you are the phone company, i already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, i have plenty of money.

4.) Hi. Now you say something.

5.) Hi, i'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

6.) Hello. I am david's answering machine. What are you?

7.) Hello! If you leave a message, i"ll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, i'll call sooner.

8.) Hi, john's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator, Please speak very slowly while i write down the message and i'll stick it to myself with one of these magnets.

9.) Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

10.) This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where i can reach you, and i'll think about returning your call.

11.) Hi. I am probably home, i'm just avoiding someone i don't like. Leave a message and if i don't call back, it's you.

12.) Hi, this is george. I'm sorry i can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until i call you back.

13.) If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.

14.) Hello, you've reached jim and carol. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Carol likes doing it up and down, and i like doing it left to right, Real slowly. So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

LMFAO. . . you've done it again. this are my favz:

3.) Hi, this is john: if you are the phone company, i already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, i have plenty of money.

10.) This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where i can reach you, and i'll think about returning your call.

13.) If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.

Really cool.

well done

a good way of starting a monday morning , thanks for the laffs