Customer Service Counter, FTBL-R-US Store. INT. Day.
OVER-EAGER REP
Next!
A rather ruffled ARSÉNE WENGER pushes a large shopping cart
packed with footballers up to the counter. He fumbles through
his pockets, eventually producing a fistful of wrinkled receipts,
which he places on the counter.
OVER-EAGER REP
Welcome to FTBL-R-US, your 1-stop footballer discount store!
How may I be of service to you this morning?
WENGER
Actually, it's 12:03. So technically it's afternoon.
OVER-EAGER REP
I apologize, sir. My bad! How may I be of service to you this
afternoon ?
WENGER
Well, I have some items I need to return.
OVER-EAGER REP
I can help you with that. I see you have the receipts. Would you
be wanting a store credit or a refund?
WENGER
Well, it depends what you have in stock…
OVER-EAGER REP
Of course it does. Right now we have quite a few models on
back-order. But let's deal with the returns first, OK?
Where would you like to start?
WENGER
How about this one…
OVER-EAGER REP
Wow! Is that a real SQUILLACI? They're vintage collector's items,
aren't they?
WENGER
I don't think so. I've been trying to sell this one for ages.
Anyway. It doesn't work. And apparently there are no new
updates for it… I'd like a refund.
OVER-EAGER REP
You're right about the updates, sir, but I'm afraid we can't take
this model back – so we can't refund you.
We'd be happy to recycle it for you…
Or you can put it in that donation bin over there by the exit… All
donated items are sent to our stores in third world countries,
where they are freely distributed among local clubs.
This month it's Greece.
Your donation is tax-deductible…
WENGER
OK. Give it to Greece. Just make sure to wipe its memory first.
OVER-EAGER REP
Um… Sir, this model didn't come with memory…
WENGER shakes his head in disbelief. He reaches into the cart
and tries to remove the ARSHAVIN.
WENGER
I'll need some help with this…
OVER-EAGER REP
Of course. I'd be happy to help.
The REP moves round to the front of the counter and helps
WENGER lift the ARSHAVIN onto the counter.
And what seems to be the problem with this one? It looks happy
enough…
WENGER
That stupid smile is always there. I think it was broken when I
bought it. That didn't bug me so much before.. . But now the
whole thing's got … rounder … And slower. And it doesn't want
to go backward anymore. Only forward. And it falls over a lot.
And laughs.
OVER-EAGER REP
OK. Let me just check something…
He looks inside the collar of the ARSHAVIN.
Ahhh. That explains it! You bought the Expanding Matryoshka
Doll version. It's designed to get one size larger every season.
And obviously, it becomes a little more, um, retarded as it
expands.
Our salesman should have explained that to you…
WENGER
He might have. But he was, I think, Russian. Not very good with
English. Or French. Or Italian. Or German. Or Spanish. Or
Japanese.
Come to think of it – he was a bit like this ARSHAVIN.
So can I get a refund?
OVER-EAGER REP
No, sir. We don't issue refunds on Matryoshka models after the
first year… But we can give you a store credit.
He examines the receipt.
Hmm. I see you paid full price for him… That's a pity. We can
only give you 25% credit. Or if you shop online at our Russian
store, we can give you 50%. We have limited stock available there,
but longer shopping hours…
WENGER
That's fine. I'll take the 25%.
Now, this one I've lost the receipt for. But I'm sure I bought it
here…
Wenger hands over the PARK JU-YOUNG.
OVER-EAGER REP
No, sir. I'm afraid this is a fake. It's a Korean knockoff of the
GOMEZ. It's made of cheap, unreliable parts. I'm surprised you
bought it in the first…
WENGER (interrupting)
I didn't really want to buy it… I was just trying to piss off Lille
because they screwed me around with the HAZARD deal. I barely
had time to look at it…
Knock-off, you say..?
Hmmph.
OVER-EAGER REP
'Fraid so, sir. And we've been instructed to confiscate all
counterfeit versions of FTBL-R-US models – so I'm going to have
to take this and destroy it. I hope you understand.
The best you can do is write off what you paid as an impairment
fee… Cut your losses.
WENGER
OK. (He sighs.) Karma, I guess.
How about this one..? It's still under guarantee…
He lays the CHAMAKH on the counter.
It seemed to work pretty well in the beginning. Had a killer
instinct. But then became more like a lamb. A licked lamb.
Timid…
Also, smoke sometimes comes from its head…
And, I think it seems a little… er… fixated on my new GIROUD
model. Let's just say it behaves a bit… how does one say…
different?
OVER-EAGER REP
I see.
There was a batch of recent models that exhibited some… um…
quirky behaviour. The TAARABT… The GOURCUFF… They all came
from the same supplier. Perhaps it's a faulty sensor. Smoke
damage. Or something.
This one I can certainly give you a refund.
Anything else?
WENGER
Yes. I have this BENDTNER model. It's very curious: when other
people use it it seems to work OK. But when I try, it behaves a
little bit erratically…
Also I think the inflation sensor on its ego is miscalibrated…
As well, I hate the fact that it's constantly chewing gum. Reminds
me of that red-nosed, blancmange-faced gum-chewing lout at
Man U…
Additionally it has more accessories than my daughter's Barbie
dolls!
Apart from that, it's fantastic…
He sees that his sarcasm is lost on the REP.
I'm joking. I don't know what the Danish word is for ' reject ' but
I'm guessing it might be ' bendtner'…
I don't know whether to keep it or toss it.
OVER-EAGER REP
Hmm. Well it is a good design… And if it's working for other
clubs, why not just loan it out for a while? It's got great
underpants… The Italians like great underpants…
WENGER
I did that already. The underpants fascination wore off. They
don't want him any more.
OVER-EAGER REP
OK. I'll take it off your hands.
I can give you credit, or I can offer you a discounted direct trade
for the GIROUD… It was a very popular model in France last
season…
WENGER
Thanks, but I have one already.
Actually – it's lovely to look at, but it's not really performing too
well. I was expecting it to do better…
OVER-EAGER REP
Hmm. That's odd. It has a fantastic record…
May I ask what you're feeding it?
WENGER
Through balls. Little touch-and-go's around the edge of the box.
But mainly Hail Mary's from the goalkeeper…
OVER-EAGER REP
Ahh. Well that explains it! The GIROUD needs to be fed lots of
high crosses into the box. From open play and set-pieces. It's not
like the VAN PERSIE: an opportunist…
WENGER (interrupting )
An opportunist!? Is that what you call it?
I call it a traitorous, back-stabbing motherf…
OVER-EAGER REP (interrupting)
I'm sorry, sir, but this is a family blog store…
As I was saying… The GIROUD is great in the air, and has a head
like an exquisite battering ram.
The REP leans conspiratorially in towards WENGER.
Excuse me saying so, sir… But you can't expect these models to
perform if they aren't being operated correctly… They're pretty
simple machines really…
There is a long and awkward pause. WENGER's face shifts
through a number of expressions, as if his facial features were
trying to morph from Harry Redknapp's to José Mourinho's via
Roberto di Matteo's.
WENGER
(Icily)
Yes.
Thank-you.
For that.
But when I need your opinion I'll give it to you, OK?
The REP backs off. He misread this jovial, twinkle-eyed old guy.
There is something bitey inside him, lurking…
WENGER (Continues)
The older models weren't like this at all. The HENRY… The
BERGKAMP… The VIEIRA… Classic.
Why did they stop making them that way?
WENGER's eyes glaze over as he stares into the middle-distance,
as if trying to conjure up the days of glory past…
OVER-EAGER REP
(Sheepishly)
Firstly, let me apologize for my insolence…
It's the parts , sir. They're made in China. By children. Out of
recycled Chinese gymnasts…
There are still models made by Invincibles Inc., but they're
really expensive… The only people who can afford them are
sheikhs and monsters.
I mean mobsters .
There is a long pause, as Wenger continues to stare dreamily into
the past.
OVER-EAGER REP (Continues)
If that's everything, sir, I can take you to our showroom to look
at replacements… We have plenty of models available for
exchange…
And you have a lot of unused credit.
He looks at WENGER's account balance on the computer monitor
in front of him.
A very lot….
WENGER shakes his head.
WENGER
No.
I have to go. I'm getting too old for this. It's depressing just
being here.
I'll come back when I have the energy. If I have the energy.
Perhaps in January… More likely next August.
He picks up his receipts. Has one last look at the returned
rejects. Shakes his head, cursing quietly under his breath.
WENGER (Continues)
Thanks for your help. Goodbye.
OVER-EAGER REP
Goodbye, sir. Thank you for using FTBL-R-US.
And good luck!
WENGER turns to leave, absent-mindedly still pushing the now
empty cart.
He stops at the donation box by the front door. Reaches in, pulls
out an OWEN, examines it vacantly, tosses it back in.
He exits. The doors glide quietly closed behind him.
FIN

Bro,where did u get this sh*t from....as an arsenal fan,i think its kinda funny....LOL @ bendtner and the underpant...nice one

u knw.its hard bein an arsenal fan at these tyms...so ths is whts left of our beloved groove