|Join Nairaland / Login / Trending / Recent / New|
Stats: 1211838 members, 1569045 topics. Date: Tuesday, 29 July 2014 at 03:37 AM
|Funny Shady Bible Stories You Were Never Told: Why Adam ate the fruit by 2scorehigh(m): 10:29am On Dec 28, 2012|
Why Adam ate the fruit – even after being warned not to do so
After Adam and Eve were seriously warned not to eat any fruit from the Tree of Life, they strictly adhered to that very instruction. Anyway, that directive wasn't even that difficult for them to abide by as they had so many options available on the assorted fruits they could consume to their fill and hearts’ desire.
But something later happened.
As I presume you already know, Adam was always away to attend to the naming ceremony of some more new creatures that were being born and the task of naming all of them was quite daunting for him because his newly created helper Eve was not yet so versed in the art of memorizing or even coming up with catchy names like chimpanzee, kangaroo, rhinoceros, crocodile and hippopotamus and she was also having great difficulty in pronouncing them very well, hence the reason why he chose to leave her behind most of the time.
So you can imagine his shock when he came back on this special day to discover that Eve was tying some leaves around her chest and hip areas. There was also a way she was looking at him demurely, almost as if there was a very big secret she was concealing from him, something she has never done before. All these stirred up some curiosity in Adam and he immediately demanded to know what’s up.
“What is going on — here? And why are you wearing those funny decorations?” he queried.
Eve, who was already lying down, looked at him coyly before responding by telling him that it will be better if he comes to lie down beside her. She patted the floor close to where she was half lying to indicate this.
Adam moved towards her. He then gently lowered himself beside her, although his suspicions did not waiver a bit.
|Re: Funny Shady Bible Stories You Were Never Told: Why Adam ate the fruit by kay29000(m): 2:31pm On Dec 30, 2012|
lol! very funny.
|Re: Funny Shady Bible Stories You Were Never Told: Why Adam ate the fruit by 2scorehigh(m): 10:15am On Apr 01, 2013|
Eve sneaked close to him. She snuggled beside him and started to stroke him all over his body from his muscular chest, his midriff and all over his back and his arms all which made Adam to even become more confused because she has never done anything like that to him before although he still managed to remain silent. Then after sometime, she looked up to his face and asked him, “Do you feel anything, Adam?”
“Feel what?! Am I supposed to feel anything? You see Eve, the thing is that I’m so tired from today’s work and I don’t think I have the time to fool around with you now so if there’s anything you want to tell me, I suggest you better start doing so right now, or else just allow me to sleep…please!”
And with that, he forcefully removed and threw away her stroking hands which were now concentrating more on his lower midriff region.
Eve burst into laughter and this got Adam even madder. As he made a movement to stand and leave, Eve held his hand and then announced to him what happened that day in his absence.
She told him that while he was away, a serpent approached her when she was in the garden and to her greatest amazement, this serpent started to talk – to her! Adam considered telling her to stop kidding because it was not possible for serpents to talk but his curiosity due to her strange behavior held him back.
“So, what did this serpent say to you?”
Eve continued. She narrated to Adam how the serpent told her that they were being deceived by their Maker.
“What do you mean – deceived? How…? In what way…?” Adam wondered out loud.
“You see, this serpent told me that the only reason why our Father has ordered us to eat the fruit from all the trees in Eden but never to eat from that particular one at the center was just because he never wanted our eyes to be opened…”
“This serpent told you all that…? And — you believed it?!”
|Re: Funny Shady Bible Stories You Were Never Told: Why Adam ate the fruit by 2scorehigh(m): 10:18am On Apr 01, 2013|
“Yes. This serpent told me that our eyes are closed on purpose by our Father and we will never be able to see the beauty around us or even understand anything that is going on around us, who we are or why we are even here as a result of that,” Eve continued with her narration.
Adam got angry but at the same time, he also felt sorry for her and regretted leaving her behind on that very day because from all he could see, her present delusion was caused by her loneliness. Now, look at what she is saying, she is now imagining all these nonsense about serpents talking and their eyes being closed on purpose by their loving Father, whatever that meant…
“How can our eyes be closed when I am seeing you and you are seeing me?” he questioned her. His curiosity was now waning. He wanted nothing more than going to sleep now but her next statement got his curiosity level up once more.
“You see my dear Adam, I also felt and thought about it that way until I finally decided to give it some trial. That was when I came to realize that everything the serpent said was true! For example, do you know that you are na ked right now?!”
“What…woman…? Na ked…what…? Woman, are you out of your senses? What do you mean – what does that mean - I am na ked?”
“Exactly! You see what I am saying? You see, you are so confused right now because you don’t even know it but I do and to tell you the truth it is really a new and pleasurable experience for me seeing you that way and you will never understand what I am going through and the way I am feeling so hot inside right now looking at you and the dirty things I really want to do with you right now!”
As she said that, she moved in on him and started stroking him once more, but with much determination and fierceness this time. Adam was now baffled and utterly confounded.
“Wait a minute…how do you know all these things?”
“Are you not listening to me?! Of course, the serpent told me to eat that fruit and I did. I ate it and it tasted so sweet like chocolate…”
“You did what?!” Adam jumped up. “You mean you ate the fruit from the Tree of Life? Oh my God, this woman, you have killed me! I am finished! Have you forgotten that once you eat from that tree, you will die?”
|Re: Funny Shady Bible Stories You Were Never Told: Why Adam ate the fruit by 2scorehigh(m): 10:23am On Apr 01, 2013|
But the woman was not yet finished. There was this new fierceness and loss of innocence in her eyes that really shocked Adam as she continued and said, “Exactly what I thought but look at me now, am I dead? Am I not the one talking to you right now? Listen to me my friend, you really need to open your eyes because looking at you right now, I can tell you that your eyes are so so closed!”
“While I was stroking your body, you did not feel anything because your eyes were still closed. That is why you don’t even know what to feel, why you don’t know the things you could do to a woman with your body, why you are so angry with me where you should be glad and rejoicing that we are finally beginning to make some new exciting discoveries, why you should have been eating the fruit by now instead of being this fearful like a woman where I was expecting to see a real man – I mean, a real fearless and brave dude!”
On hearing that, Adam immediately felt challenged. What on earth was she talking about? He was no longer thinking about what their Father said. He was now thinking about what she really meant by the fact that he does not know the things he could do to a woman with his body?
So out of curiosity mixed with insane male chauvinism which made him to momentarily forget all the instructions and warning which their Father sternly gave to them; he said in a very tough voice, “Okay, where is the fruit? Bring it to me now. Give it to me right now let me show you who the man is and what I can do to you with my body!”
On hearing that, Eve’s blood rose and she quickly brought out the basket containing the fruits which she had already gathered in readiness for him – and probably for what she hoped will come next, you know…?
She gave one of them to Adam and as he bit into the reddish-yellow ripe fruit, Eve stood up and starting removing the leaves that covered her bust and waist regions.
And Adam’s eyes immediately opened and he saw things!
|Re: Funny Shady Bible Stories You Were Never Told: Why Adam ate the fruit by 2scorehigh(m): 10:25am On Apr 01, 2013|
He started seeing what he never saw before. This helper who was more or less just like him in every aspect even some few moments ago suddenly transfigured before his very eyes. He started to notice the small differences that he never noticed before. He took in a quick mental note of those lovely looking mounds on her chest and also the missing third leg. Her hips and the curves too, they were marvelous!
But the greatest thing Adam noticed was the effect this whole new experience was having on him. For no reason at all, Adam was shocked to find out that it was as if blood was now pounding in his head and all over his body making him to lose his ability to think clearly.
It was also a shocking but pleasurable discovery to him when he looked down and saw that his member was now so hot, distended, standing at attention and nodding in agreement and it was as if something inside him was now nudging him on to reach out for her, grab her, kiss, squeeze and caress her, and do so many other unmentionable things to her all at once!
It was indeed a very pleasurable experience. He immediately sat up and reached for the rest of the fruits where she had gathered them in a basket and starting biting and wolfing down on them very fast. The fruits were now like some sort of aphrodisiac to him!
Then he quickly rose up on his feet and made a forward movement towards her as he stretched his two hands to grab and squeeze the life out of those two huge and soft mounds on her chest.
But as he approached her, she skillfully sidestepped him and moved out of his reach while laughing coyly as if she was now playing games with him.
And her little games added to Adam’s arousal. She was smiling coyly at him and she said to him, “You now see what I was trying to tell you, Adam? You see…?”
“My eyes have seen the great wonders of the Lord! Sorry my dear but I have now seen that you were right and my eyes were so so closed!” Adam confessed.
He was now pleading with her to stop the cat-and-mouse game because he was almost bursting with intense passion and he was dying to get things started! At last, she allowed herself to be caught but just as he finally grabbed her and was about to squeeze her right bosom, a deep voice sounded from behind him.
|Re: Funny Shady Bible Stories You Were Never Told: Why Adam ate the fruit by 2scorehigh(m): 9:49am On Apr 02, 2013|
“Adam, Adam, where are you and what do you think you are doing?!”
Adam, completely shocked, immediately came back to his senses and quickly let go of her, though somewhat regrettably and hesitantly. Together, they both dashed forward and scrambled for the leaves that were on the floor. Adam grabbed some and quickly covered his manhood and then in a small frightened voice that still bore a clearly suppressed touch of anger in it he said, “My Lord, please stop calling me! Don’t you knock?! Can’t you see I am na ked – and busy?!”
“Look at this foolish man! What did you just say? You are busy doing what…?! And by the way, who told you that you are na ked? Now turn around and look at me! Have you eaten the fruit from the tree I said you should never eat from?”
As he turned around slowly, he did what most men will always do - he quickly tried to pass on the blame – to her.
“The woman you gave me has put me in trouble. Look at her here. She’s the one that gave it to me and I ate!” He said that without looking up to meet that fierce gaze from his Father.
Adam was now so angry and annoyed with himself because of so many things and he did not know who to really blame for that. He was angry that he had even listened to the woman and her bogus talking serpent narrative of a story. He knew he should have told her to shut her trap. He was angry that that he had broken the trust which his Father had placed on him simply because he wanted to prove his manhood and fearlessness to that tempting woman.
He was also angry that he was now blaming the woman even though he was well aware that it was not entirely her fault because he had believed her and allowed himself to be led astray where he should have simply called her to order.
Above all, he was so angry, shocked and shy that he was caught pants down coupled with the fact that he was unable to complete that very unfinished business at hand that was just getting started until that very late and unexpected intrusion by their Father.
And what an unfinished business it was!
Poor Adam! You should have seen him. It was so frustrating for him. He was really spotting a huge and turgid hard-on and for someone who was experiencing that for the very first time, he wasn't doing badly at all!
Oh! I almost forgot. Did I mention that part of Adam’s biggest frustration was mostly due to the great difficulty he was having in willing his turgid phallus to stand down?
Want to read more funny Bible stories like this one? Want to know how Judas answered the Lord's question "Who Do People Say I am?"? Or what really happened at the Wedding at Cana? Or even the full gist of Samson and Delilah? Then grab all of them at once by checking out Funny Shady Bible Stories You Were Never Told now to continue the fun!
Funny Shady Bible Stories You Were Never Told
|Sections: politics (1) business autos (1) jobs (1) career education (1) romance computers phones travel sports fashion health |
religion celebs tv-movies music-radio literature webmasters programming techmarket
Nairaland - Copyright © 2005 - 2014 Oluwaseun Osewa. All rights reserved. See Nairalist and How To Advertise. 61