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Drifting (Memories 1). - Literature - Nairaland

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Drifting (Memories 1). by naptu2: 6:21am On Dec 29, 2012
Drifting (Memories 1)

Sleep must be coming, but not exactly so.
What wonderful sweet sailing drift, drifting so.
Visions coming and going, people coming and going.
And now a thought. Ooh what a thought!

Hunger, I think. Hunger for manna.
My body limp, the words I cannot speak.
So I keep thinking that thought, ooh what a thought!

The second she brings the manna
And I’m so amazed.
“Didn’t you say you were hungry”? Inquired the second she.
“So telepathy is actually possible?", this leaves me wondering.

And ooh what great manna this wonderful legume is.
Thanking God, a spoon I consume.
And then it happens and I remember the state I’m in.

“These lungs are going to burst!" My chest cries.
And immediately I begin to meditate.
Inhale! 1.2.3.4
Exhale! 1.2.3.4

As the rhythm is established, my drifting begins anew.
The fresh breeze has a wonderful new taste
And I’m at peace with myself.
I know all and I know nought
And no one knows I know all, thinking I know nought.
Re: Drifting (Memories 1). by Ishilove: 7:10am On Dec 29, 2012
naptu2: Drifting 1

The fresh breeze has a wonderful new taste
Consider editing- do you feel breeze, smell breeze or taste breeze?

You have painted a picture of a sensation akin to being adrift over a body of water. In context of your illness, its a gentle feeling. Now when gentle breeze blows over a body of water, your senses are assailed by a variety of sensations, chief amongst being tactile and olfactory.

So, 'the fresh breeze has a wonderful new FEELING', or the 'fresh breeze has a wonderful new SCENT/SMELL' will be more appropriate in the context which you have used it.

My thoughts, anyway. smiley
Re: Drifting (Memories 1). by naptu2: 8:12am On Dec 29, 2012
Ishilove:
Consider editing- do you feel breeze, smell breeze or taste breeze?

You have painted a picture of a sensation akin to being adrift over a body of water. In context of your illness, its a gentle feeling. Now when gentle breeze blows over a body of water, your senses are assailed by a variety of sensations, chief amongst being tactile and olfactory.

So, 'the fresh breeze has a wonderful new FEELING', or the 'fresh breeze has a wonderful new SCENT/SMELL' will be more appropriate in the context which you have used it.

My thoughts, anyway. smiley

Thanks very much for your comments smiley . I'll be back to explain better, but do you know that you can actually taste the wind? That's what I was doing. I wrote it that way because I wanted to be completely faithful to my memory.
Re: Drifting (Memories 1). by Ishilove: 8:25am On Dec 29, 2012
naptu2:

Thanks very much for your comments smiley . I'll be back to explain better, but do you know that you can actually taste the wind? That's what I was doing. I wrote it that way because I wanted to be completely faithful to my memory.
You have a point. It's like when someone farts and the smell is pungent you can actually taste the fart on your tongue... cheesy
Re: Drifting (Memories 1). by naptu2: 8:31am On Dec 29, 2012
Ishilove:
You have a point. It's like when someone farts and the smell is pungent you can actually taste the fart on your tongue... cheesy

Hahahahahahahahahaha! Colourful example, but correct nonetheless.

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